i love you, and im sorry
bye
Your eyes gloss over as you read and reread her words. Your phone slips out of your hand and cracks on the wooden floor beneath you with a sharp sound, but you remain in an immobile trance. Your fingers are trembling, and your lungs are unwilling to move. You feel like your heart has stopped, and time has frozen.
And suddenly, it all comes rushing back.
You throw on your pants, pick up your phone, and run downstairs, letting your mind go into overdrive as you think about what to do.
"Kyedae!"
Your shout makes her scream, and she drops the glass she was holding into the kitchen sink, causing it to shatter inside.
"What the fu-"
"THERE'S NO TIME! CALL 911 AND GET IN THE CAR!"
She jolts into action, dialing the number before you could even swipe her car keys from the table.
"Wait, why?" She asks as she holds the phone up to her ear.
You fish through your phone for Kimi's address and hold it out for her.
"Get an ambulance. To this building," you choke out to her, now struggling to breathe.
She relays the message to the operator as you beckon her toward the car, and you both hop in, barely dressed.
You speed down the highway.
...it's already too late, isn't it? She... texted me an hour ago. It's over, isn't it?
Kyedae gasps as she takes in what the operator says. She immediately pulls the phone down and says, "Someone already called an ambulance there. The resident is already in the hospital."
"What's her condition?!?" You yell, loud enough so the phone could pick it up.
"...the operator doesn't know," Kyedae responds after listening.
Both of your bodies are flung against the side of the car as you make a sharp U-turn and start heading toward the nearest hospital.
"...who is the resident?" She asks you, almost afraid to know the answer.
"Kimi," you bluntly reply. You can't see her expression, but she remains silent for the rest of the ride as you speed down the highway toward the hospital.
...
"KIMI! WHERE'S KIMI!!!" You yell as soon as you burst into the main entrance, alarming everyone inside.
Someone quickly comes to your aide to stop the commotion.
"How can I help-"
"KIMI. Where. Is. She," you menacingly ask.
"I... I can check for you..." She woman quickly replies, gulping as she eyes your towering expression.
"What's her last name...? Oh! Kimi... I think she's... ok, follow me," she says after she checks the registry. "But you shouldn't disturb the doctors if they're still-"
"I didn't ask. Move faster."
She runs with you to the end of the hall of intensive care rooms, and, against her protest, you try to slam open the door. It doesn't budge, and you try again.
The door is slowly opened from the other side, and you rush in, shoving apart the inch-wide gap and pushing past the doctor until you see her.
"...ki... kimi?"
Her unconscious body lays on a bed covered by a sheet, and you look back at the doctor for an explanation. He looks at the nurse in confusion, and she sympathetically shrugs.
"She had an accident, but she's ok. She's stable," he bluntly states to you.
A tidal wave of emotions floods you, and you feel something shift deep within your body.
Tears start flowing out of your eyes as you release a wail of relief and agony, and you don't bother wiping away at them, and instead let them form a trail down your cheekbones and to your chin.
Your cries are filled with every drop of regret and pain you feel rushing into your head at that moment, and you breathlessly murmur every word of prayer and gratitude you could think of into the empty air.
When you finally open your eyes again, the doctor is silently standing in the corner, and Kyedae is confused and concerned.
"What... happened to her?" Kyedae timidly asks, not wanting to break the tense atmosphere, but dying to know.
"She had an unfortunate fall down a staircase and fractured her neck in an odd place. Two places, actually. I've never seen anything like it. She just came out of one successful surgery, but she'll probably need another, and then a neck cast. It's possible that she'll suffer an onset of partial or full bodily paralysis, but we're hopeful."
He finishes, and your eyes snap toward him in confusion.
She... fell? Wait, but...
"Can we stay with her? We're her friends." Kyedae asks.
The nurse looks at the doctor, and he nods affirmatively.
"Yes, you can stay. I have other patients to tend to, so I'll be going now," he says as he takes his leave with a brief parting smile.
The nurse leaves soon afterward, and you catch Kyedae's eye. She rubs her eyes in exhaustion and solemnly looks toward the girl on the bed.
"How'd you know she was in trouble?" She asks.
"...she texted me," you say, keeping the details of her message secret for now.
She furrows her brows, trying to piece together how that would have happened.
She looks to you for an explanation, but she eventually gives up as she sees that your thoughts were directed solely toward the sleeping girl.
"I think I'll go home now," she says.
"What? She... hasn't even woken up yet! Don't you want to... see her, at least?" You ask in confusion.
You carefully note the expression that flickers across her face.
"...you'll be here, right? And besides... I don't really have much to say to her..." She mutters.
You pick up the slight tone of disdain in her voice, and you immediately question it.
"Why are you talking like that?" You ask.
"Talking like what?" She replies, taken aback.
"Like... you don't want to be around her."
She stares at you, and you see her struggling with the words she truly wanted to say, but she finally decides to let them out.
"...i don't know why you do want to be around her... after everything she did to you..."
The color drains from your face, and you gulp as you realize that she knew everything.
Of course, she does. Everyone knows everything about what happened because Kimi told them all. And she did so... because I asked her to.
"...do you really want to go home?" You mutter.
"If you want me to stay, I will. But... not for her," she decides.
"Ok... you can go."
She makes her leave without a hug, kiss, or even a wave, leaving you feeling bare and empty.
You sit down in an uncomfortable chair, watching as Kimi's chest slowly rises and falls.
Your emotional exhaustion starts to get to you, and even the hard fabric of the chair becomes comfortable enough for your lethargic body to fall asleep.
...
You jolt up and run the few steps toward the bed, quickly rubbing your eyes as you try to adjust to the darkness.
The muffled shuffling from the bed that awoke you draws you to it, but the figure suddenly stops moving as she hears you.
"Kimi?" You desperately ask into the air.
The figure gasps at your voice but doesn't respond.
You stumble around for a light switch, and finally turn it on, making both of you squint and cover your eyes from the glaring fluorescence.
Once you both adjust, you see Kimi's eyes start to swirl with a similar mix of emotions as what you had seen the previous day, a time that felt like a lifetime ago.
"...hi," she finally says.
Hearing her soft voice, one that you thought you might never hear again, makes you want to rush over and wrap her in a hug.
Instead, you slowly walk over and sit down, thinking of what to say.
"I'm really sorry..." You let out.
She looks taken aback by your words and snaps out of her stupor.
"...why?" She croaks out. "I'm the one..."
She grimaces, feeling her neck ache painfully as she tries to speak.
"Hey. Take it easy. You have neck fractures," you inform her.
She sighs and resigns to laying back in bed.
"I'm sorry because I wasn't there for you. You called me, and I didn't pick up, even though I could've. I just didn't realize what you were going through..."
"I'm... sorry too..." She slowly lets out, trying not to move. "I... shouldn't have fucked it up."
"Fucked it up? What are you talking about?"
"...i tried to hang myself. And I fucked it up."
Silence fills the room as you realize that the girl you once thought you knew was nowhere to be seen.
"...kimi..." You say, haunted by her words. "I..."
"Do you see how they look at me?" She whispers, now starting to get emotional. "How they frown... how they shake their heads and mutter awful things whenever I'm around... do you know what all of your friends think of me?" She asks.
If Kyedae's reaction was anything similar to the rest of them, then...
Oh my god. This is all my fault. I... I made her do this... I made her tell everyone what she did, and drove her to the point of...!
What the hell have I done?!? And for what? For me to forgive her? I ruined her fucking life over this!
"It's not your fault," she says, seeing how much you were starting to panic internally. "Everyone would've found out one way or another."
"..."
"I still meant what I said. Everyone would be better off... without me."
"Kimi, that's not true! I wouldn't be!" You plead.
"You'd feel guilty and blame yourself, I know. You're too innocent to do otherwise. But I know how much pain I've caused you, and I wouldn't be burdening you with any more, so it would be for the best."
"..."
"..."
"...can you tell me what happened?" You ask, hoping to change the subject before you fell into an emotional abyss.
She speaks in a monotonous voice as if describing a boring day at work.
"I texted you my final message, then did it. But the knot slipped loose, and I fell... headfirst. My neck was killing me, but I knew I wouldn't die. So I... tucked the rope under my bed, crawled out of my room, down to the bottom of my staircase, and then called 911 and passed out."
"You crawled all the way down the stairs with a broken neck? Why?!?"
"So they'd think it was a fall. Not an attempt."
"...why?" You ask, already thinking you knew the answer.
"I don't want to be put in some mental asylum," she curtly responds.
"Kimi..." You choke back tears, and finally let them fall, unable to hold them back any longer. You softly sob at her bedside, and you bury your face in your hands as your shoulders convulse.
The girl who might have had some comforting words or hugs to give you when you were sad was now truly gone, and Kimi's silence only makes you cry harder.
"I forgive you, Kimi..." You whisper. "I forgive you for everything... and I'm so sorry this happened..."
"...thanks. But it doesn't really matter anymore."
"...why not?"
"I'm over that. Whether or not you hate me, everyone I've ever known already does, and there's no making up for that. Even my family caught wind of it."
You sit in silence as you try to imagine what she had been forced to feel over the past few weeks. Her hardened eyes conceal the rush of unexpected emotions she was feeling.
"...Why can't we change that?"
"...what?" She looks at you incredulously.
"You've... been going through all of this alone. But now you won't. You'll have me with you, and we can change this." You grab her hand.
"You're an idiot if you think you can salvage this," her strikingly bare voice whispers.
"But we can, right? I'll show everyone how you've changed! How different you are now. Even if they won't listen to you, they'll listen to me, right?"
"But why? What do you want-"
"I care about you, Kimi..."
Her eyes widen momentarily as she starts to think about it, but she quickly shuts herself down and shakes her head, though unable to move it much.
"No, you don't. Don't lie to me, and PLEASE don't lie to yourself."
"Kimi, I-"
"You DON'T! ...please don't say what I think you're about to. Don't give me that..." She says, her voice becoming frail as she squeezes her hand with your fingers inside.
"...I want to start fresh with you, Kimi," you say, ignoring her warning. "I want to give you another chance. I want to reintroduce you to the world and show everyone who thinks badly of you that you're not that person anymore. I'm not asking you to face the world by yourself. I just want you to not give up yet. Let me try to make things right between us and between you and everyone else... please. We can get you the help you need to recover from this and prevent this from ever happening again, and I'll be there with you the whole way. But... only if you want that too..."
By the end of your monologue, Kimi is visibly shaking, and a few tears slowly drag down her cheeks.
"...fuck you..." She heaves out between sobs. "...how... how do you always do this to me?"
You squeeze her hand and remain silent, and her crying intensifies.
She slowly calms down, and you rub your thumb over her palm, letting the repetitive motion soothe her.
"Is that a yes?" You eventually ask, breaking the silence.
"...fine. I... I'll try..." She decides, letting your words reach into her heart and convince her.
You reach over and gently wrap her in a hug, smiling as you feel her arms loosely reach up and around your back.
"Thank you so much. I promise it'll be worth it."
...
You stay with her until the morning, slowly getting her back into a somewhat conversational mood and moving her mind away from the night's occurrences.
The door slowly opens, and your thoughts rush back to reality as you realize where you had been for the past few hours. Brown waves of hair slowly fall into view as Rae sticks her head in. Her forehead carried wrinkles of concern, and she looks back and forth between you two before glancing around and seeing that she was the first one to respond to your text and show up.
"How are you feeling?" She asks Kimi as she steps in and closes the door behind her.
Kimi tries to nod, and grimaces as her swollen neck reminds her once more of why she was there.
Your dreary eyes threaten to close, but you keep them awake, as you knew this would be an important conversation that you might need to have dozens of times.
If any of Rae's friends were in that bed, she would be all over them, making sure they were ok.
"Rae..." You slowly let out.
She picks up on your unusual tone, and her gaze snaps in your direction.
"Yes?" She tentatively asks.
"Kimi is... I mean... um..." You struggle to begin, unsure of yourself.
"I can see how you look at her," you finally blurt out. Kimi squeezes her eyes shut, not wanting to witness the conversation that would ensue, but having no choice.
...what do you mean?"
"You... don't like her. You don't like her because of what she did to me."
She shrugs her shoulders, silently admitting it.
"Why is that a problem?" She asks, starting to get defensive. "I should hate her guts for what she did. But at least I showed up, unlike most of our friends, who probably won't."
"But I've already forgiven her for-"
"And I haven't," she says, crossing her arms.
"But... she..." You sputter out, not sure how to get through to her.
"I don't want to hear it. She seems fine, so I'll go now."
She starts to head for the door, and your eyes widen as you realize that if she left, you would have nothing to say to Kimi, and her faith in you would be broken.
"It wasn't an accident!" You finally blurt out to catch her attention.
"...what?" Rae asks, turning around.
Kimi pulls the blankets up over her head to hide the few fresh tears leaking out.
"Kimi... she tried to kill herself last night."
The color drains from Rae's face as she finally pieces it together.
"..."
"..."
"...but... why?" She finally asks.
You shake your head. "I think you know why, Rae."
She eyes the trembling figure under the blanket and wipes away a freshly-formed tear.
"...because... everyone hates her..." She slowly mutters under her breath.
"But you..." Rae continues, looking at you. "You've forgiven her, even though you're the one she manipulated. I can't tell if you're naive... or if maybe it's time I let it go too..." She thinks out loud.
"She's been through enough punishment for what she did. I think it's time that we forgive her and move on..." You say, encouraging her.
She slowly nods and moves to the bedside, while the girl underneath the blanket stays put.
She opens her mouth, and no words come out. She takes a breath to cool herself and tries again.
"I'm sorry, Kimi. I'm sorry for hating you. I'm sorry for wanting to hate you and not realizing what it would do to you. I forgive you too." Her sentences are short and choppy, but her emotion comes through in them, showing you that her opinion was truly changing.
Kimi slowly nods, still unwilling to remove the blanket.
With a somber expression on her face, Rae looks to you and beckons her chin toward the door.
You nod, and she walks around to kiss you on the cheek and whisper in your ear.
"I really didn't know, I'm sorry..."
"It's ok. Thanks for coming," you comfort her.
She silently leaves, eyeing Kimi with pity in her eyes before slowly closing the door.
Kimi slowly pulls the blanket down, and her cheeks are stained and red.
You wipe her tears away, watching her slowly recover from the tense interaction.
"Hey..." You tentatively say, placing a hand on her bed. "How do you fee-"
The door opens, and you watch an unfamiliar doctor come in with a clipboard.
"I believe you're scheduled for another surgery now, ma'am," she says.
You look to Kimi.
"Ok. I'm ready," she says.
"Are you sure?" You ask. "I'm sure they can postpone-"
"I'm sure. Listen... thank you for staying with me. But I think you should go home and sleep," she says, sounding very tired.
You reluctantly agree and stand up, letting the doctor pass you by as you make your way to the exit.
"I'll be back as soon as I can," you assure her.
She gives you an exhausted half-grin before laying her head back again.
...
As promised, you return to her side later in the day, as the sun finished setting. You could hardly get your mind off of the day, but you eventually succumbed to sleep. You check your phone as you enter the hospital and read Hafu's messages as you walk to Kimi's room.
hey
i heard about Kimi
i hope she's ok and I'm sorry I couldn't come to see her myself
but I want to see you again sometime
i know you're probably busy with her, but I miss you :(
you can take as much time as you need with her
but stop by whenever you can
i can introduce you to David too :)
You type back, letting her know that Kimi was alright and that you'd stop by soon.
...
"Hi," she says, sounding more upbeat.
"Hey! How do you feel!" You ask as you take in the sight of her large neck cast.
"Well, I'm not paralyzed, so not bad..." She says. "And the food here is not awful..."
You smile, feeling your heart swell at the sight of her somewhat back to her normal self.
"Has anyone else come to see you?" You ask.
Her smile falters, and you immediately regret asking.
"No. But it's ok. I don't know if I could have dealt with them without you here anyway," she reasons.
You nod, grateful that she wasn't too sad about it.
"You know, I know you just slept for a while, but I'm getting pretty tired," she remarks.
"Oh? Do you... want me to go?" You ask.
"You can if you want... Or, you could stay?"
"I'll stay," you immediately decide.
"Good. Now crawl in," she says, holding out the blanket.
"Wha- Huh?"
"Come on, I know how cold it is. Just get in."
You hadn't realized it, but you were already beginning to shiver from the frigid air that seemed to be leaking in somewhere.
She slides over, and you lay beside her.
"Are you sure this is ok? I don't want to mess up your cast or accidentally push you off the bed."
"It'll be fine," she assures you as she wraps the blanket back over the two of you.
You turn to face her, and you find her face closer than you expected.
"I..." Her words are cut short by her heart beginning to pound as she sees you up close, causing familiar feelings to start arising in her.
She squeezes her eyes shut, but you could tell exactly what was happening in her head.
"Kimi, if this is hard for you, I can go..." You whisper.
"No. Stay, please. I can control myself now, I promise. I just..."
She slowly opens her eyes, and her gaze is calmer and more collected.
She returns your long gaze, and you both sit in silence as your eyes scan over each other's features in the darkness.
You both feel a silent tension building, but neither of you addresses it. Eventually, the gradual shuffling and shifting as you two try to get more comfortable bring your faces an inch apart, making Kimi subconsciously bite her lip.
You unthinkingly lean in and meet her lips, feeling a nearly electric jolt of emotion wash through you as she soon returns it. Your lips softly graze each other for a few more seconds, and you can feel her heart pounding. It was an anxious yet exhilarating kiss for her, one filled with promise and possibility, but also loneliness and anguish.
You pull away and lean your forehead forward to meet hers.
"I missed you, Kimi..." You finally let out into the inch of space between you.
"I missed you too..." She sighs. "But we shouldn't do this..."
"I know. I promised to start fresh with you. But at the same time..."
You don't finish your words, but she slowly nods in understanding.
"I promise I'm not doing this to try and-"
"Kimi." You cut her off, knowing how careful she wanted to be to ensure she never made that mistake again. "I know you're not. I could tell that you thought about pulling away from that kiss. I know it made you feel a lot of emotions inside, both good and bad ones. You're not manipulating me, and I'm not manipulating you. We're just... living. Two people trying to get by - people who have felt things no one should ever have to feel."
She curls up in bed, pulling her knees up to her chest as she ponders your words.
"We'll talk in the morning about where we want to take things," you reassure her. "Let's get some rest..."
You watch as she falls into a deep slumber, comforted by your body heat emanating from an inch away.
You slowly sit up, knowing you wouldn't be able to fall asleep anytime soon. After adjusting to the gentle hum of the equipment and the occasional beep of machinery, you enjoy the peace and quiet for the first time in a long while.
...
You wake up, looking around in confusion as you realize where you had slept. Kimi's sleeping body was a comforting presence next to you, and you sigh as you let yourself process everything that had happened over the past 48 hours.
You crawl out of bed and stretch your sore back, feeling your muscles loosen.
A ringtone from your phone alerts you, and you quickly accept the call before Kimi could wake up from the sound.
"Hello?" You whisper.
"Hi," a gentle voice says back. "Where are you?"
"Hey, Celine. I'm... at the hospital."
"Oh... right..." She says. The tone in her voice hints at what you feared her opinion was on the matter, but you brush it off for now.
"Why did you call?"
"Well... if you're busy, it can wait, it's not important..."
"Celine. Remember what we talked about last time? It's ok to speak out for yourself. You're important too."
"Right, right. Ok... I was wondering if you could come over sometime so I could practice an... assertiveness exercise with you."
"Oh? That sounds great! What is it?"
"Well..." You can almost imagine her cheeks flushing red as she stutters out a reply. "It's a surprise."
"A surprise? Well... I'm looking forward to it!" You exclaim. You exchange a few more parting words and hang up.
Your attention is brought back to the girl lying next to you, and a slight wave of guilt washes over you as you realize once again what you had inadvertently done to her.
No. I can't think like that anymore. She's hurt me before, and I've hurt her. More importantly, we're ok now. We almost weren't, but... we are.
You watch her sleep, seeing her eyes flutter a little. She eventually opens them, and her bright pupils enlarge and dilate upon seeing you, and a delighted, oscitant expression grows on her face.
She reaches a hand up and caresses your cheek, making you tingle at the soft touch.
"Thank you so much," she drowsily says.
You nod and close your eyes, letting yourself take in the feeling with a warm acceptance.