We need to talk.
You leaned back on your pillow, not bothering to reach for the remote. Those words burned themselves into your mind.
Brring! Brring!
You look at the device in your hand and see that Lily was calling you.
Wait... she meant right now? It's... 3 AM... But I guess I don't have a right to complain.
You take a deep breath before accepting the call and holding the phone to your ear.
"Hey, Lily," you say, making sure to keep quiet to not wake Scarra, who was sleeping on the bed next to yours.
"...tell me what happened."
Even though you fully expected it, the cold, sharp tone of her voice strikes you with nervousness.
"Aria and I were dancing, and then we... got more into it, and then one thing led to another," you replied, immediately thinking of every way you could have phrased that better.
"Did you ask her?"
"Ask her what?"
She sighed in exasperation. "For consent!"
"Yeah, of course!" You confidently reply.
If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that she wanted it too.
"Wait... did Aria tell you differently?" You ask, worried that you might have been wrong.
"She isn't answering her phone. And her roommates are all fast asleep."
"Oh."
"Listen," she continues, after a long pause, "as long as everything's consensual, I guess you can do whatever you want. But... don't fuck with my friends, you hear me?" She attempts a threatening voice, but her high-pitched squeal comes out instead.
"I better not hear a single bad thing from Aria tomorrow morning. Or anyone else, for that matter. And also, PLEASE get a room next time."
"Of course," you reply, relieved. "Thanks, Lily. You're a good friend. Aria's lucky to have you."
"...thanks... wow, i really didn't expect..." She mutters under her breath.
You can't see her, but you can only imagine her confused look at seeing your response to her supposed 'threat'.
"I'm gonna hang up now. Goodbye!" She quickly hangs up the phone.
You deeply sigh in relief as you lay your head back on your pillow, a huge weight lifted off of your chest.
...
"Breakfast's here!"
Your eyes shoot open to Scarra's booming voice.
Your blurry eyes check the time.
11 AM.
"We got you breakfast too, don't worry." Brodin follows up, as you look around and realize that everyone else had already woken up and was sitting down to eat.
You quickly join them and discuss your plans for the day. Everyone was still pretty burnt out from yesterday, so you all decided to take it easy and relax.
Oh, maybe I can do something with Rae today! I hope she's still not as down as she was yesterday.
You decide to text her, asking to hang out.
You receive a response almost instantly.
still pretty tired, so I don't feel like going out :(
if you don't want to be stuck inside you can hang out with someone else.
And if I want to be inside?
come to my room in an hour if you want
but really, you don't have to waste your time.
Time spent with you is never wasted time, Rae.
You see her begin to type out a message, but the typing sign disappears after a few seconds. It pops up once more and then disappears just as fast.
Yeah, I probably wouldn't respond to that cheesy of a line either.
You chuckle to yourself as you scrub yourself clean in the shower.
You throw on some casual clothes and decide to make your way towards Rae's hotel room half an hour early.
Her messages did come off a little self-deprecating. Might as well surprise her early to let her know that I care.
Just a few paces down the hallway from where you left, you find her room, that she shared with Imane, Janet, and Celine.
You give the door a few quick raps, expecting to see one of the girls' bubbly smiles. Instead, you see Imane, her face solemn and her eyes drooping from sleep deprivation.
"Imane! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just... well..."
She opens the door wider to let you see the figure sitting on the bed, back to the door. Rae was clutching a tissue in her hand and looked terrible.
She was so absorbed that she hadn't heard your presence.
You lean to Imane and whisper.
"I didn't know she was sick."
"She's not."
"What? Why else would she- "
"She's miserable. This is how she is when she's sad. Really sad. I've been trying to pry out the issue, but she's not opening up."
Rae turns her head slightly in the direction of the door. Her eyes widen as she sees you standing at the entrance, a concerned look on your face. She instantly turns away and brings her hands to her eyes.
Imane pulls you aside and whispers, "Do you think you could stay here for a while?"
"I was planning on it. Why?"
"I was taking care of her the entire morning after we came back from the club, and I'm exhausted. I need to sleep, but I feel bad about leaving her."
"Of course. I'll take care of her."
She sighs in relief before leaning forward to plant a kiss on your cheek. Unbeknownst to you, Rae turns away sharply at the sight.
"Thank you so much. I owe you one."
She opens the door to the other half of the room, and you hear her plop down on her bed as the door closes behind her.
I guess it's just me and Rae now.
You gently approach Rae, moving around the bed to try to face her from the front.
She notices your movement and quickly scoots around, keeping her face hidden. You see her shoulders quivering slightly.
"Rae, do you want to talk?"
Upon hearing your words, her silence was quickly broken.
"You weren't supposed to come yet. I didn't want you to see..." her voice trailed off.
"I know, but I wouldn't have wanted you to hide this from me. Were you planning to fake a smile the whole time I was here?"
Her silence confirms your thought.
"You're right... I'm so sorry. I'm such a mess," she finally responds.
"It's alright," you softly respond, expressing a sympathetic smile she couldn't see, "It's ok to not be ok. But it helps if you talk."
Still turned away from you, she slides over to one side of the bed and pats the mattress behind her.
You crawl towards her and take a seat where she indicated.
"Is this about what you told me yesterday?" You ask, thinking her solemn expression at the club had to be related.
"Not really... well kinda... I don't know if I can talk about it," she quietly says with a sigh. You can't help but feel pity for her emotional state.
"That's alright. I won't push."
You tentatively reach your hand forward and place it on her shoulder.
"As long as you're ok," you decide to add.
"I'm NOT ok," she quickly snaps back, making you jump a little in surprise.
She follows up in a frail tone, "I just don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"What do you mean?"
She takes a deep breath as you wait in silence. She sits up a little straighter.
"Does your promise still stand?"
"What promise?"
"Your promise to keep this between us."
"Absolutely."
You steady yourself as you prepare to hear what had been bothering her, but you still shudder as the words come out.
"I feel like on camera, I'm a celebrity, and in real life, I'm no one."
Those words hit a little too close to home.
I didn't realize someone like Rae could feel this way too.
"What would it take for you to feel differently?" You ask, involuntarily giving her shoulder a light squeeze.
She remains silent for a few seconds.
"Can I lay down?" She finally asks.
"Yeah, of course. Whatever's comfortable."
She proceeds to lay her head on your lap, making sure to keep her face turned away from your view.
Oh. Not what I had in mind, but not uncomfortable either.
"I guess... I just want to feel like I belong. That's why I felt so sad at the club - because I have no one to hold, no one to feel like I belong with, and everyone else does."
You absentmindedly stroke her hair as she speaks, gently smoothening and combing her long strands with your fingers.
She sighs and settles deeper into your lap as she strokes her thumb along your clothed knee in contemplation.
You both sit for a minute in comfortable silence.
"I get what you mean," you respond, her words bringing your insecurities to light. "Ever since I got into OTV, I've always felt out of place. Everyone just seems so much more experienced.
"Oh, wow... I didn't even think about that," Rae responds.
"But you've done really well... and not to mention, you're an amazing person. I'm really glad I met you."
Your cheeks turn red, and you softly reply, "Thanks, Rae. You're incredible too."
"Aw, thanks," she replies, and although you can't see her, you can sense that she's slowly recovering from her misery.
After a little while, you both slowly return to normal conversation.
"By the way, how was that stream last Thursday?" She asks.
"Oh, I loved it! I had a great time, although it ran wayyy too late."
"Hehe! Sorry, I tend to do that sometimes."
"I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually," you say, as you grab a blanket to toss over the two of you.
...
"Oh my god! It's already 4!"
"What!" You look down to see Rae's phone clock strike the fourth hour of the afternoon. "Damn... I didn't even realize."
"...And I've been suffocating you this whole time," Rae says, blushing, as she slowly moves to get off of you.
"No, I don't mind," you quickly say, having gotten used to Rae's warmth.
You chuckle to yourself as she slowly lays herself back down on your lap and curls into you once more.
You furrow your brows as you think back to your previous, more personal conversation.
"How do you feel right now?" You unexpectedly ask.
She ponders your statement, and you feel her inhale deeply.
Slowly exhaling, she lets out the words you were hoping for.
"I feel... good. I feel like I could lie here forever. I feel..."
"Like you belong?" You finish.
She freezes.
As those words resound through the air, you make the same realization.
You, too, feel like you belong here. With her.
She finally twists her body and turns in your direction, and you see her up-close for the first time.
She hadn't cleaned herself up since the previous night. Her make-up from the night out was running down her face, following the well-beaten path her tears had formed through the long hours of the night. Her eyes were bloodshot and baggy, and her mascara was splayed across her face. Her nose was red and her lips had mere splotches of lipstick remaining.
She looked beautiful.
Even thinking back on that moment later, you couldn't quite put your finger on it.
But something about the rawness of it all, her complete purity, undisguised by perfect makeup, well-done hair, or a perfected smile, made her absolutely stunning.
You gulped as you took it all in.
She quickly turned away again, misinterpreting your gulp as one of disgust.
Quickly realizing this, you blurted out the one thought coursing through your mind.
"Rae, you're fucking beautiful."
She froze at the statement. Normally, she would have dismissed it immediately as nonsense, but your tone and expression told her otherwise.
You locked eyes with her as you both tried to understand this mysterious feeling passing through you.
Tears started to well up in Rae's eyes once more, but this time, you could tell they were different from before.
"...Really?" She finally asks, almost as if afraid of the answer.
A single tear runs down her cheek, and you gently using your thumb to wipe it away. She leans her cheek into your hand, encompassing your fingers in her warmth.
You nod in response.
She cups her other hand around your cheek, and you feel yourself melting into her soft grip. You silently allow yourself to be pulled closer to Rae's entrancing face as it grows larger in your vision. Her gaze averts downward to your mouth, and her lips part slightly. Without thinking, you do the same. You both pull each other closer.
And closer, and closer, and closer...
You feel a jolt pass through you. An exhilarating feeling like nothing you've ever felt. You quickly pull away, to see the same look of confusion and wonder on Rae's face. Without hesitating, you lean forward again, feeling a euphoric energy pass through you once more as your lips connect.
You've kissed plenty of girls before, including Rae, but nothing felt quite like this. There's nothing urgent or lustful about it - just a warm, connecting touch. You feel like you could stay here forever.
You feel like you belong.
You feel Rae's head lifting off of your lap, keeping the kiss unbroken. She moves to sit in your lap, placing her legs to one side of you as she embraces you. You respond, feeling her weight like a warm blanket. You feel your muscles relax, and your tension dissolves into the air.
She pulls away, and you stare at each other once more.
The melting pot of emotion inside of you is tough to decipher.
But when she looks at me with those soulful eyes... I can't help but feel like everything is just... better.
"I... don't know what's happening..." You let out, briefly grinning.
She lets out her bright smile for a moment before she responds, "I'm not too sure either. But this... is something new. Something I like," she adds, cupping your face in her hands as she traces her thumb along your jawline, leaving a trail of heat.
"So... where does this leave us?"
"Ugh, boys! Why do you always need answers to everything so fast?" She says with exaggerated exasperation as she flails her body back onto the bed, instantly returning to her normal self.
You don't reply, instead opting to lean over her and kiss her once more, your hands quickly making their way back to her warm skin. After a few seconds of renewed bliss, you pull away and smile.
"How about this," you say, the euphoria still subsiding, "let me get you some water, and then we'll get you cleaned up."
You swiftly turn around to get off the bed, and you hear the floorboards creaking on the other side of the door.
You immediately make your way over to the door and open it, seeing Imane crouched over, ear to the wall, next to it.
"You were spying on us!" You exclaim.
Rae, unable to see her but immediately understanding the situation, bursts out with laughter.
"Of course she was, HA! She probably didn't sleep for a second!"
Knowing she was busted, Imane stands up, making her way past you into the room, and immediately jumps onto the bed to give Rae a tight hug.
"That was the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed!" Imane cheers.
"You weren't supposed to witness it..." You half-heartedly reply, unable to feel mad while seeing the ecstatic joy of the girls.
"Poki's my best friend! I would've told her by now anyway!" Rae remarks with laughter.
You shrug in agreement, sit back, and smile, resigning to the circumstance.
Wow. That was something special. I still don't know what this means for us, but I guess I'll just go with the flow.
After Imane went back to her room to actually get some sleep, you started helping Rae clean up.
...
"I really like you."
You look down at Rae splashing her face in the sink, confused at her oddly-timed comment.
"I like you too," you find yourself saying back.
"I know I said something earlier about not needing an answer right away, but I get what you mean. I wanna know what we are now."
"Yeah, me too." You sit quietly, hoping she would lead the way.
"...I don't want to completely attach myself to anyone."
Unexpectedly, you feel your heart drop a little at this statement.
"And I don't want to limit you either. Besides, I know how much of a hit you are with the ladies." She adds the last part with a playful tease.
"What? No way!" You lie through your teeth.
Rae turns around to give you a squinted look, and you get the sense that she saw right through your lie.
"I found out what you did with Kimi. And Imane. And... well, you get the point." She casually replied.
Your face turned red-hot.
She knew about that all this time, and yet she still likes me?
"But as I was saying, a committed relationship is something I've grown exhausted of."
"So... you're suggesting that we... date casually? And be open to other people?" You say, praying that you interpreted her thoughts correctly.
"Yeah... I think there's a word for that... Hm, I forgot."
"Polyamory?"
"That's the one. Oh my, you're smart too. Lucky me!" She exclaims as you shake your head and smile.
Patting her face dry, she looks up at you with a fresh smile.
"What do you think?"
Staring deep into her dazzling eyes, you would've said yes if she asked you to jump off a cliff.
Instead, you lean forward and try to kiss her again. But you feel her soft hand push back on your chest, and you pout as she pushes you away.
She giggles and says, "I need an answer, not a kiss."
"I love the idea. If it means I get to do more of this with you, I'd be down for anything."
She rolls her eyes at your statement but pulls you in for a quick kiss anyway.
"I think I should go. I kinda want to walk around the city a little," Rae says, pulling away from the kiss and holding your hands in hers.
"You're not going alone, are you?"
"Janet's coming too. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Besides, I know you'll be there for me if I need it... You always are."
You feel yourself puff up with pride at the last words, lightly squeezing Rae's hands before letting them go.
You share one last embrace before she slips on her shoes and walks out with an energetic step.
A few minutes later, you do the same, returning to your hotel room down the hall.
Toast is the only one there, and he eyes you suspiciously as soon as you enter.
"Why are you so happy?"
Dammit. Of course, he can tell.
"...It's complicated..." You reply, trying and failing to hide the smile that had been painted on your face ever since you first kissed Rae.
"Is this about a girl?"
Oh, come on! This guy is too good!
"None of your business, Toast," you resignedly reply as he raises his eyebrows and nods.
You lay down on your bed and stare at the while-tiled ceiling, vividly recalling Rae's bright, infectious smile and your conversation.
After a few minutes, you snap out of your thoughts by a vibration in your pocket.
You smile as you see the sender.
HIIII! So Janet told me about this AMAZING new place back in LA that I ABSOLUTELY want to visit with you! So cute ^_^
What's it called? Send a pic?
Nope! Gonna be a surprise!
Ah, you tease!
Whoops! Guess you're gonna have to be patient!
You sit back with a grin as you place your phone off to the side. You close your eyes and let yourself gently drift off to sleep, thoughts of your incredible day filling your dreams.