Sin Louise
THE breeze of cold air welcomed my face as I'm staring at the full moon. There's this talk that the end is near, yet I cannot wait for the right time to end this. I am more than willing to end this never ending agony.
This human life is just made for the pursuit of money. That humans are more than willing to kill for it, and how humans can kill one another out of the desire to own money that can be replaced. Ironic that it's more valued than the life that cannot be and will never be replaced.
I am watching the endless stream of lights coming from the cars beneath me. Money can bring a person to the highest building that is ever made, and it can also bring a person to a high place to kill themselves. Money is my happiness...and my death.
I hoped that it would not be too late to start again.
I hoped that those lives that are taken in return of the money acquired can be revived with the same money.
But all those hopes were all alone, just hopes. What's destroyed will never be solved by what you deemed as the solution in the first place.
The only refuge is death.
As I'm now to be killed or to be held captive.
Both are neither as fast and swift like death.
The melancholy of the night brought back those memories. On where it all started, and how my desire to climb the ladder made me realize that I'm just digging my own grave.
30 days ago
I AM SITTING on my swivel chair while combing the edge of my short hair with a random comb that I found in my drawer. The door opened and I carelessly dropped the comb as I arched my brows, waiting for the report I'm anticipating from Detlev, my assistant.
I gave him a firm look despite my anticipation. The news about the antiques we imported will either ripen or rot. It's the antiques stolen from a Japanese museum owner who owed us big sums of money. Fujihara...
" It's accomplished, Miss Silousie. The other organization handled it—we'll most likely get the half. The boys are preparing to take advantage. Wie immer durch Überraschungsangriff." ("By surprise attack, as usual.")
The side of my lips arched. " So you're telling me that it would be one billion if we got it in full? Der Mord ist natürlich ein teil davon." ("The murder is part of that, of course.") I clarified with a calm tone. As if the information relayed is unimportant, but deep inside I knew how money, power, and glory's within my reach. This time, I am sure it's meant to be mine.
" Ja, Miss Silousie." ("Yes, Miss Silousie")
My arched lips turned into a smirk. I slid my hand in my pocket while my other hand remained on the desk, my point-finger tapping the wooden desk which creates this sound...as if I'm counting how far I am to my goal.
It tells me I'm just days away from it.
" Those politicians love to lick those antiques, huh?" I commented out of my own amusement. " Prepare the boys and those police rats. We need to distract the cats."
He gave me a firm nod and left the room. As soon as he left I closed my eyes and rested my head against the swivel chair, knowing that if we played things smoothly, everything would go according to the plan.
20 days ago
"HIS DAUGHTER?" I asked and moved my hands to my back, looking at the dead bodies of the members of the rookie smugglers that agreed to share with the imports. They're killed since we need the money in full.
" We tracked Fujihara's daughter and she's helping her father retrieve the lost antiques. It might reach Japan, I'm unsure. That's a different case if a foreign country would be involved." He explained. "Might spread in the mass media."
I stayed silent for a while, thinking about the solution while watching the boys slice the plastic full of money. I walked towards them and grabbed a bill to sniff it. I smirked before placing the bill in my pocket.
" Tote sie."("Kill her.") I instructed while admiring the money being unpacked.
I heard his fake cough so I gave him a firm glare.
" It's risky to kill such noisy brat. The law enforcement is active here in the Philippines. There's death cases, Miss Silousie." He explained, making me move my head to the side out of curiosity.
" What cases? I don't watch the damn news."
He hesitated for a while before talking. " The news about deaths...I'm not sure if the involvement of the moon cycle is true but I must say, we must transfer the money to avoid it."
My small smile turned into a chuckle, disregarding what he said. " Two things are infinite...The universe and human stupidity." My smile faded as I gave him a serious look." Transfer the money not because of that superstition but because we must move like it'll be taken away from us if we don't. Go to work."
10 days ago
" BRENN alles nieder und hinterlasse keine verdammten Spuren!" ("Burn everything and leave no f*cking traces!") I raised my voice and they all followed the instruction, throwing buckets of gas everywhere. The whole building is now burning before my eyes. The flames roared hell, with all our crimes fueling the fire that's supposed to cover all of the murder we committed.
I placed my palm on my head, we never knew that Fujihara's daughter would stir a huge sh*t and gave the law enforcement some lead to track us. The money is secured, what only matters is our ability to stay alive to seize the money.
We left the place and I couldn't still myself as the vehicle moved. I glanced at the window, brewing in my own anxiety because I knew that a slow pace will only lead us to our graves.
" I told you to kill that sh*t." I said in a firm tone, repressing the anger inside me.
" I told you, Miss Silousie. We all tried our best to kill that b*tch but nothing works...We can't explain it—"
I immediately glanced at him, ready to scold and snap on him. " You can use tobacco but not drugs, Detlev. Kenne deine Grenzen." ("Know your limits.")
He's unable to respond, amused with what I said. I didn't give him further space to talk back, I just cannot believe their unusual reason for their incompetence but what baffles me most is the fact that they never lie to me.
The roads of Manila are all packed with civilians and vehicles. The traffic added to my frustrations. I glanced at the posters and tried to read the words...Somehow I still understand the language after years of staying in Germany. I just came back for this nasty scheme that gave us sh*t tons of money and headache. It would have been smooth if Fujihara's daughter didn't interfere at all.
I'm tapping the side of my head while calming my mood and noticed three cars. I've been seeing those cars wherever we went and we already took several paths. It's suspicious that those cars are still in the same lane as ours—It's been three hours.
" Wir werden verfolgt. Links abbiegen." ("We are being followed. Turn Left.") I instructed, which alarmed them all.
The vehicle immediately turned left, and we found ourselves surrounded with ten police mobiles.
I watched it all occur while my mind dissociated...With the loud sirens, I cannot think what's next. As if the sirens warn us about our impending doom.
Death.
I looked up at the sky and saw the full moon. I received a wave of intuition, that something dangerous is about to come...But a part of me moved and grabbed the gun under my seat, knowing this won't end well, but after all,
I'll protect my money.
5 days ago
I SAT on the floor with my last strength as my palm relied on the floor as I tried to stand up. Everything is dark and blurred, with the only noise coming from the racking movement of the ruined door that is being supported by the pieces of the door frame.
My eyes rummaged around the room, giving me a wave of coldness upon the realization that everyone...
Everyone died.
I gazed at my back and saw the dead body of Detlev, with his eyes open from shock and his body lying on the floor...with a gun in hand and the other arched in my direction. I cannot speak, nor move, I am just staring at the last mark of defeat...all I can see is blood.
Everything went brief. Those bullets left holes on the wall, and the siren filled noise is now replaced with sinister silence. I cannot fathom if I'm alive or...a phenomenon indeed happened.
I've lost my consciousness after being hit in the head and the last thing I heard is the sudden pause of sirens and gunshots that's suddenly halted for unknown reasons.
Where's the shouting police? The sirens?
What happened?
I can feel the motion of my surroundings and my own dizziness, I'll vomit blood at this point. Everything that's on my mind is revenge.
If I cannot take my money down to my grave and save my people from death then the only thing I can bring to hell to burn with me is Fujihara's daughter...
1 day ago
" Silousie...Drop the gun." He tried to negotiate with me, but my last empathy can't even outdo my desire for revenge.
I tightened my arm around his daughter's neck who's begging for my mercy, which only provoked me to move the pistol closer to her head.
" Ich werde meine Meinung nicht ändern." I asked him with a smile on my lips and tears in my eyes. " I won't change my mind."
I am at the point of defeat that I no longer feel like a human being, rather, a soulless person with nothing but money.
Money that won't even give me back those lives that made it all possible.
Even the cries of his daughter cannot alter my mind. Before he could even utter a single word again, I pulled the trigger of the pistol twice. Her head exploded and the blood splattered on my face and crawled on my skin like dirt.
I killed his daughter.
I killed her.
" Silousie..." His empty eyes said it all. That we're equal now. " Anata wa daisho o haran koto ni naru." ("You'll pay.")
I've lost my money, my people, and my future.
He has lost his daughter, his antiques, and his past.
I cannot understand what he said in his language, yet the firmness tells me it's a threat. We both stole something from one another, and brought destruction to one another. As if we're just captives fighting for the exit...and the only exit right now is death.
I pointed the pistol at him, without a thought, I pulled the trigger.
Yet his figure disappeared before my eyes...
I immediately walked at the edge of the building, seeing no sign of him jumping or falling down. I glanced at the exact spot where I saw him for the last time, all that was left was the sight of the full moon. I just kept my eyes on the moon, hoping that it'll take me next.
He disappeared, the body of his dead daughter disappeared.
They're merely curses, badlucks, and out of ordinary...Both of them became the ending point of my life.
I remained standing and my hands dropped the pistol. I am staring at nothingness, with no particular plans about myself and my future. It is the silent knowledge and intuition that it's the end.
I'm ending here.
Present
The melancholy of the night brings back those memories. On where it all started, and how my desire to climb the ladder made me realize that I'm just digging my own grave.
I looked down, this building is tall enough to kill me. Despite everything that occurred in my life, I still cannot make myself take a step forward, rather, I wish to step back. As if there's more life left for me to live, and more things that are left for me to achieve.
But all I am now, is a finished story.
I swallowed while moving my feet, as if the cement would clung unto me to not take a step forward. I have this feeling inside me, a desire, a hope, that someone will pull me away from the edge and tell me that my life won't end here...But after my blindness, my greed—all that I deserve is an end.
Death alone is not enough repentance...For the things that I have done for Money, power, and glory.
I stepped back from the edge of the building and watched the moon. After years of being robbed out of my humanity, I am finally capable of shedding a tear...to ask for God. The moon occupied the sky, it's barely empty. Not even Gods or anything up above can hear me.
Despite the chronic agony, my body moved as if there's more solution to this existence. I found myself leaving the building and rushing to my car. I looked at the moon once again before getting in to turn on the vehicle. I have no destination in mind, yet I'm heading in the direction of Fujihara's small museum here in Manila.
I stopped the car in front of the Japanese designed museum surrounded with tall trees and the ambience of the whole place is sinister yet peaceful. I found my courage to walk towards the front door of the museum, slowly placing my palm in front of the fusuma door. I am surprised to find that it's open. Having no fear, I opened the door expecting Fujihara but the whole museum was empty.
I entered the museum and got a sharp intuition that I should leave the place, yet, my curiosity dominated my fear. I walked towards the middle of the museum and looked around, not until a shadow of a person standing by the door appeared, making me glance to look at it.
No one was there.
I got a silent form of fear that crawls inside me, but not enough to stop me. I remained standing there for a while, feeling the presence of unknown energy, I just know that someone's here...or something is here.
I paced slowly to the wall where I could see the strand of the lamp's pull switch, keeping my watch on the door. I slowly pulled it down and the Japanese lamps lit the room with warm colors, making the place more...sinister.
The sight of paintings, military uniforms, and badges welcomed me along the ceramic jars and vintage things inside the protective glass cases. I found myself not knowing what to do inside the museum, it felt like something or someone was waiting for me outside.
I felt drawn to the military antiques section. I slowly walked towards it while still keeping my watch on the open door. The old uniforms are all worn by the mannequins inside the protective glass case. The mannequins have this vintage gas mask on their heads while the hands are positioned to hold the rifles with bayonets. I even had to blink when I saw the other mannequin look alive in my peripheral vision, yet, nothing is there again.
My head is hit and now I'm seeing sh*ts.
I observed the things in the museum and recognized that those antiques we have imported, including the expensive ones, are here.
It's already imported, already in the hands of some politicians.
But it's f*cking here.
My fear penetrated my system and I rubbed my eyes, not knowing if everything that's happening right now is true, perhaps, I might have jumped earlier and died but I am sure that I am not yet dead.
I'm about to move but the sudden sound of drums echoed throughout the whole museum. My eyes were fixated on the old radio that's probably from the 1930s.
The sound of military drums is coming from that old damn radio.
I immediately ran towards the door to leave but stopped when I felt a metallic taste in my mouth and the heavy pain in my head. I touched the back of my head where I'm hit six days ago and the strong urge to vomit made me clutch the frame of the fusuma door as my knees fell on the ground.
The sound of the drums started to sound distant as if my hearing was blocked. I dug my nails against the fusuma door and saw the blood from my mouth, falling on the floor. From seeing fragments of color to seeing nothing, I released the lump of blood on my throat and felt a swift pain on my neck.