" I know I am selfish and that's why I could not tell you anything. I did not want to lose my right to touch you like this . I know that I don't deserve that ," he hiccupped.
" Why do you keep saying it like that ?,"I blinked away the tears .
" Julia , I was passed from one stranger to another like a trash can to fulfill their desires. For the longest time in my teenage years , I had lived like a sex-doll and the rest went doing dirty works under my father . But you - you are so pure and gentle - you are not like me , you are an angel , Julia ."
I took his face between my palms , so we were face to face . My eyes had started to adjust in the darkness . In the dim light , I could see that he looked horrified and ashamed .
" Liam , I don't love you for your looks or your family or your personality ...hell , I don't even know why I love you so much . ...so I can't hate you for your background or your secrets . I fell for the you under your skins and bones and your name and fame and your fake smiles . Something inside you tugs me in . And that you , can never be dirty , Liam. Am I making any sense ? I guess not ," I sighed ," You are not dirty Liam , you are just scarred . You are just sick and you need rest ."
He rested his face against my chest ," I always thought that you would be disgusted if you know the story . Mo-mother , she told me to hide it and people will leave me if they know about it . I did not want you to look at me like that . I did not want you to think that you have taken someone broken in your arms. I wanted to be perfect for you . I wanted to be someone on whom you can depend on . I wanted to be someone you can love . But it was hard for me just to look at you and simply communicate . The shadows of those people don't leave me , Julia . Even now , I feel like they are clustering me . I was scared to touch you . I was scared that one day I will wake up and realise it was not you , but one of them . So I kept my distance. I did not want you to find out how messed up I am inside my head .... I know that I have been such a horrible husband to you . But everytime I reached for you , I was scared that I would break down . I - I have a hard time to understand how to behave properly Julia . I don't know how I can make you understand but in bed all I have ever been treated as have been like a slave . I don't think that I am able to act like a normal couple ."
And so our marriage that felt like an empty casket had continued. Liam , who was abused sexually never shared a bed with me. And I had thought of him as a cold , distance man while he had just been a scared and broken man .
The more I thought about it , the more I wanted to set the world on fire .
My husband , my Liam he was - he was - raped .
I squeezed him tightly in my arms as if I could protect the child he had been when he had been abused like that .
The damage was already done .
Those people....they were probably roaming free and living a good life but here my husband had slowly spiralled into a grief that made him think that he was unworthy , dirty , undeserving of love .
My Liam , my Liam ...
" I am here and you will never be dirty to me . How can you be ? My pretty pretty husband. My love ," I whisphered as I kissed his hair .
He did not look like the tall , confident man I used to know . He seemed so small and I wanted to hide him from his pain , from this world .
" We will figure this out," I promised him .
" You are not leaving ?," he asked as if he still could not believe it .
" Where will I go without you ?," I whimpered .
How could I leave when he was hurt like that ?Of all the time I had hurt him without knowing the truth was slowly eating me alive .
" You don't have to do this alone , you don't have to be alone in this ," I kissed his face again and again as he sobbed quietly," You are perfect , you are everything I have ever wanted . No matter what , I would always want you like this . You will always be in my heart ."
" Julia , you don't understand...I- I have helped my father kill men , I have shot animals , I have done things for my father that should have gotten me locked up in an asylum ."
.
" I don't care ," I shook my head ," You are still the man you used to be yesterday. It doesn't matter at all ."
"How can it not matter to you ?"
" Cause of all things you matter to me the most ," I kissed his lips , hoping to drive away the fear ," You were just a child, Liam . You were a child bound by your father's spell ."
" S-sometimes , I feel like he is still inside my head ," he shuddered ," What if I turn into my father ?"
" Then I will just remind you who you are ," I put my forehead against his ," Let me take you home ."
" Home ," he said ," You are my home ."
" And you are mine ."
I knew the storm that was waiting for me tomorrow. Now that the lies had evaporated, the bitter truth burnt my soul .
I had no idea how to cope up with the face that my husband's wretched father made him go through all that , nor how to console him so he could slowly heal back .
But would he heal ?
I had no answer to those questions.
All I knew that oneday I would walk to his father with a gun . I would not shot him to head , I would shot him somewhere it would take him painfully long time to bleed out and die.