Episode 1 — "Direct Deposit from Hell"
Cold Open
INT. KENNY'S ROOM – 2:17 A.M.
A phone glows on a mountain of laundry and Hot Cheetos dust.
KENNY (22, hoodie, hair like he wrestled a tumble dryer) blinks awake to a cha-ching.
He squints at his banking app.
BANK DEPOSIT: +$12,000.00
MEMO: "monthly tribute for not smiting, thx — Z."
KENNY
(stares, shrugs)
Cool.
He reaches for a warm energy drink, takes a tragic sip, grimaces. His blanket moves. A SUCCUBUS pops her head up—eyeliner like war paint, tiny horns, chewing his gum.
SUCCUBUS
You got any oat milk?
KENNY
Check the… mini fridge that's actually just a toolbox with yogurt in it.
A shriek from downstairs, a THUD, and a toilet roars like a prison lion.
KENNY
(to succubus)
Stay. I gotta go yell at someone about plumbing and demons again.
He gets up, trips on a katana he ordered in 2019, falls face-first into a bowl of stale cereal, and smash cut to:
TITLE CARD: KENNY: THE USELESS CHOSEN ONE
(subtitle: Episode 1 — "Direct Deposit from Hell")
⸻
ACT ONE
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
KENNY trudges toward the bathroom as framed "Live, Laugh, Loot" signs rattle. From the bathroom comes DEMON PLUMBER (thick mustache, four glowing eyes), wrestling the porcelain like it owes him rent.
DEMON PLUMBER
(toilet growling)
It keeps eating the guests. I told you last time—do not flush haunted rosaries!
LINDA (43, hot, feral PTA energy) leans in the doorway wearing a silk robe and MLM-brand slippers.
LINDA
First of all, those were samples. Second, my downline was drowning.
FRANK (55, alcoholic dad energy, exorcism stains on flannel) swigs ginger ale that is definitely not ginger ale.
FRANK
(to Kenny)
Son, we need to talk boundaries. And by that I mean: do you have fifty bucks?
KENNY
Dad—adopted dad—you asked me that yesterday and I said yes and we both forgot.
FRANK
Right… so can I have it again?
The toilet lunges. DEMON PLUMBER jams a wrench into the bowl; the wrench screams and dissolves.
DEMON PLUMBER
I'm gonna need holy Drano and a mop blessed by someone who's at least verified on Instagram.
LINDA
Kenny, honey, we're hosting an angelic pottery circle at noon, so please keep the succubi in your room and not in the kitchen. Last time they made a cheesecake that tried to recruit me into a cult.
KENNY
Wait, why are angels doing pottery?
LINDA
They're all on sabbatical and trying to be "earthy."
KAYLA (18, goth, eyeliner like midnight, lugging a pentagram made from IKEA hangers) appears at the top of the stairs.
KAYLA
Kenny, did you take my virgin goat?
KENNY
What—no. I don't even know how to set parental controls on a goat.
KAYLA
Right. Well, I'm summoning Satan at three. I posted a poll—"goat or rotisserie chicken"—it's a tight race.
KENNY
Use the rotisserie. Satan likes seasoning.
LINDA
And wipe your shoes this time. Last summoning left sulfur footprints in my Peloton class.
Cha-ching. Kenny checks his phone.
BANK DEPOSIT: +$1,000.00
MEMO: "interest."
KENNY
How do I make money for nothing and still feel broke?
FRANK
It's a mindset. Also, the cable bill doubled because the TV got possessed and started streaming Latin.
DEMON PLUMBER
I can cut you a deal if I can keep any spectral jewelry the toilet coughs up.
LINDA
Fine. But last time you kept a watch that turned time back six minutes and I lost my sourdough.
KAYLA
(to Kenny, deadpan)
Our family is exhausting.
KENNY
You're the one scheduling Satan like he's your Uber driver.
KAYLA
He tips better.
⸻
SCENE: KENNY'S ROOM
SUCCUBUS has rearranged his Funko Pops into a pentagram. Kenny re-enters. The succubus points at his phone.
SUCCUBUS
Babe, your bank is wild. Who's "Z"?
KENNY
Zeus. He rents space in my head. Long story. He pays utilities.
A lightning ping. Kenny's inbox: Email from ZEUS — "Hey champ, Olympus HOA is being weird about parking our thunderbolts on the balcony. Enclosed is this month's rent + surcharge for Hera being on a new cleansing juice."
KENNY
Hera's juicing again. That means exploding toilets for us.
SUCCUBUS
Mood. I gotta bounce—I'm leading a workshop on "Ethical Haunting" in the yoga studio. Can I borrow your hoodie?
KENNY
Not the good one.
SUCCUBUS grabs the good one.
SUCCUBUS
Thanks, sugar. You smell like failure and cinnamon.
She exits through his closet, which sighs like a portal.
KENNY
(to camera that doesn't exist)
I'm not even mad.
Cha-ching.
+ $2,500.00 — "Satanic Security Deposit (refundable)"
KENNY
Kayla! If Satan leaves glitter in the carpet again, I'm charging extra!
⸻
ACT TWO
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
LINDA whips up demon-friendly gluten-free pancakes. FRANK reads a newspaper titled THE SUPERNatural GAZETTE. Headline: "LOCAL GOD ACCUSED OF MIRACLE INSIDER TRADING."
FRANK
Kenny, be a pal—stand near the fridge. Your aura restarts the ice maker.
Kenny stands. The ice maker sighs, starts spitting perfectly cubed ice.
LINDA
(eyeing Kenny)
Bring a hoodie to the pottery circle. Angels never regulate the thermostat.
Doorbell. A literal golden DOORBELL rings like a choir. Open the door—GABRIEL (cherubic, jacked, cardigan), MICHAEL (looks like a CrossFit coach), and URIEL (wears crocs) stand with tote bags.
GABRIEL
Linda! Ready to center some clay and our unresolved heavenly trauma?
LINDA
Welcome, my winged disasters. Shoes off; holy water by the ficus.
They shuffle in. GABRIEL sees Kenny.
GABRIEL
Ah. The Landlord of Coincidence.
KENNY
Please stop calling me that.
GABRIEL
Invoice from Heaven Treasury, line item "Kenny Tithe." We tried to remove it and the spreadsheet bled. Here's your envelope.
Gabriel hands Kenny an envelope thicker than a Tolstoy novel. Kenny opens.
KENNY
Voucher for "One free miracle (small)." What's a small miracle?
MICHAEL
Like… your burrito doesn't explode in the microwave.
URlEL
Or your crush likes your story post and not the one where you look like a memorial bench.
FRANK
Can I use it to fix my cholesterol?
GABRIEL
Mmm. Small miracle.
KAYLA
(coming in, clutching the rotisserie)
Heaven boys, out by three. Basement's reserved for infernal networking.
LINDA
Kayla, be nice; they're grieving a harp recall.
MICHAEL
They snapped in a breeze. It was biblical.
The angels set up pottery wheels. They all look too buff for ceramics. GABRIEL centers clay with saintly intensity.
LINDA
(to Kenny)
Sweetie, go to the basement and bring up the good candles. The rose quartz ones. They help with repentance and Instagram Reels retention.
KENNY
On it.
⸻
SCENE: BASEMENT—"THE EVENT SPACE"
It's part wine cellar, part temple, part teenage crypt. Mood lighting. A poster: "WELCOME SATAN, 3PM – SNACKS PROVIDED." Another: "No Summoning Without a Buddy."
Kenny rummages shelves of candles. He picks one up labeled "TRUTH". It whispers: you are wasting your potential.
KENNY
Same, bruh.
From behind a stack of beanbags, a shadow unfurls—SATAN, tailored suit, sneakers, charming, eyes like expensive whiskey.
SATAN
Kenneth! My favorite small-time cosmic landlord.
KENNY
Satan! You're early. Kayla's still writing your name in bubble letters.
SATAN
I came to drop off the deposit and a gift.
(extends a small box)
Box opens: a black metal debit card with subtle flame patterns.
SATAN (CONT'D)
A "Do-Nothing Card." You carry it. Money appears whenever your vibe is funny. You produce vibes; I monetize the cringe.
KENNY
So… if I'm stupid, I get rich?
SATAN
Finally, a system you can understand.
KENNY
What's the catch? Souls? Paperwork? CrossFit?
SATAN
None. However, the funnier your accidental chaos, the bigger the deposit. Make people laugh, even by accident, and the card fills. Try too hard, it declines with a fart noise.
KENNY
This is the greatest technology since the drive-thru.
SATAN
And if you do try too hard…
(leans in)
the card charges you.
KENNY
How much?
SATAN
Depends on how cringe. If you stream prank videos, kiss your eyebrows goodbye.
KENNY
Deal. Also, rent's due.
SATAN
Already sent. Oh—and don't let Gabriel see that card. He has a gambling problem with charity raffles.
They fist-bump like divorced dads. Satan slips into the shadows, humming a catchy pop song about damnation.
Cha-ching. Kenny opens his app.
+ $600.00 — "you said 'drive-thru' with the right amount of despair."
KENNY
(softly)
I'm a comedian and I didn't even open my mouth.
He pockets the card, grabs candles, heads upstairs.
⸻
ACT THREE
INT. LIVING ROOM – 2:58 P.M.
The house is now a chaos buffet: ANGEL pottery circle on the left, DEMON book club on the right, FRANK napping upright like a retired vampire, and LINDA live-streaming a skincare unboxing to "demi-immortal moms."
KAYLA lights summoning candles around the rotisserie chicken, which wears a tiny crown.
KAYLA
If Satan doesn't appreciate the citrus notes, I'm going to cry ironically.
KENNY
He already dropped off the deposit. Also he gave me a cursed… credit card?
LINDA
Debit. We don't do revolving lines with Hell. Learned that with Victoria's Inferno.
GABRIEL wheels over a giant angelic pot that is clearly a ceramic disaster.
GABRIEL
Kenny, judge our pottery? Winner gets to complain first at confession.
KENNY
Fine. Everyone present your bowls like dramatic Bachelor contestants.
MICHAEL shows a perfect bowl. URIEL holds a lumpy nightmare. GABRIEL's bowl has a tasteful crack that makes it hotter.
KENNY
Uriel's looks like it has opinions about ska. Michael's is a cry for help with protein shakes. Gabriel's is subtle thirst trap energy. Winner: Linda's pancake.
LINDA
That's not how this works, but I accept.
WHOOMP. The room pops like an airbag. SATAN steps into the summoning circle, already holding a nacho.
SATAN
You had me at basil.
KAYLA
You told him already?
KENNY
He's a scheduler now.
SATAN raises a hand; the TV flickers on. It's a montage of Kenny doing dumb things: tripping on his katana, screaming at a Roomba, trying to peel an orange with salad tongs. Each clip triggers the Do-Nothing Card to cha-ching. The room watches, charmed and slightly concerned.
FRANK
That boy's a natural disaster and a passive-income stream.
LINDA
Imagine the brand deals: "I made $8k yelling at a lamp."
GABRIEL
That violates six heavenly codes and a vibe check.
SATAN
The market has spoken. He is profitable chaos.
KAYLA
(squints at Kenny)
So you're like the universe's punchline?
KENNY
I'm the universe's moisturizer. I make everything… slide better.
Everyone groans.
MONTAGE: "KENNY MAKES MONEY BY EXISTING"
• Kenny laughs at a meme so hard he snorts hot sauce; cha-ching (+$80).
• Kenny tries to open a window and pulls the entire frame out; cha-ching (+$350).
• Kenny takes an "aesthetic" photo of coffee; his thumb covers the lens; somehow goes viral; cha-ching (+$1,200).
• Kenny tells a ghost "not right now, king"; the ghost salutes; cha-ching (+$500).
• Kenny attempts a push-up, fails spectacularly, gets a standing ovation from demons; cha-ching (+$900).
BACK TO SCENE
URlEL
He's like a glitch that prints coupons.
GABRIEL
This is an ethical crisis and also very cute.
FRANK
(bright idea)
What if we invest? Stage a full day of Kenny doing stupid—er, curated—stupid stuff.
SATAN
Careful. The card hates try-hards. It's anti-cringe tech.
LINDA
We don't need to stage anything. Kenny, breathe normally.
He breathes. Cha-ching (+$12).
KENNY
Oh, that's so messed up.
The TOILET ROARS again. DEMON PLUMBER bursts from the bathroom, soaked, holding a dripping Polaroid picture.
DEMON PLUMBER
Found this in the U-bend. Might belong to a god.
LINDA snatches it, gasps.
LINDA
It's… Zeus at karaoke.
The angels peer, scandalized. Zeus is mid–"I Will Survive," shirt open, lightning bolt like a prop mic.
GABRIEL
We can't let Olympus see this. Their PR is already just one intern and a wet towel.
SATAN
I'll buy it. For…
(pulls out a checkbook made of snakes)
fifty grand.
LINDA
Fifty? This is a singing god exposed collectible. That's at least a hundred.
SATAN
Eighty, and I get to rename your Wi-Fi to "PeeWee Olympus."
LINDA
Deal. Kenny, the agent fee?
KENNY's phone: cha-ching (+$8,000 "finder's chaos").
KENNY
What do I even do with all this?
FRANK
Be generous. Also, give me fifty bucks.
KENNY hands him the whole envelope. FRANK counts wrong, pockets it, looks proud.
⸻
ACT FOUR
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – SUNSET
Kenny, Kayla, and Satan take a walk past weird neighbors: a werewolf jogging in flip-flops, a vampire mailman wearing SPF 1000, a witch driving a Prius.
KAYLA
So your money powers are tied to how funny the universe finds your nonsense?
KENNY
Apparently.
SATAN
You're a resonance node. People feel you being a lovable disaster, they laugh, the card harvests the giggles.
KAYLA
That's gross.
SATAN
Comedy is gross. That's why it works.
A LITTLE KID runs up, points a plastic sword.
LITTLE KID
Are you the guy who fell off the scooter into his own recycling?
KENNY
Yes. That was a performance piece called "Modern Fragility."
Cha-ching (+$45).
KID
You rule.
(runs off)
KAYLA
Okay, I kind of love this. You get paid to be… you.
KENNY
Dangerous precedent.
SATAN's phone pings. He sighs.
SATAN
I'm late to a board meeting. We're pivoting purgatory to a co-working space.
He hands Kenny a small bell.
SATAN (CONT'D)
If you need me, ring this. It makes a sound only dogs and former youth pastors can hear. Also…
(serious)
don't burn out. Even chaos needs naps.
He vanishes with a smell like expensive candles and lawsuits.
KAYLA
You know Mom's going to build a course—"Monetize Your Mess with Kenny."
KENNY
If she puts me on a webinar, I'm running away to somewhere quiet.
They pass a sign: "WELCOME TO TRANQUIL PINES QUIET COMMUNITY – NO LAUGHING." Kenny locks eyes with it. The sign shakes, falls over, honks like a clown horn. Cha-ching (+$900).
KAYLA
You're hopeless.
KENNY
And funded.
⸻
TAG
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Family movie night. Everyone's squeezed together—angels on beanbags, demons balancing nachos, LINDA in the middle like a queen of chaos. The TV plays a nature documentary narrated by a raccoon (long story).
FRANK
(to Kenny)
I'm proud of you, kid. You finally found something you're accidentally good at.
KENNY
Thanks, Dad.
The house shivers. The TOILET emits a tiny trumpet sound. DEMON PLUMBER raises a finger from the bathroom.
DEMON PLUMBER
It's fixed! Mostly! The upside is it'll never clog again. The downside is it now has opinions about jazz.
LINDA
As long as it doesn't scat sing during brunch.
KAYLA
Satan texted. He loved the chicken. Said next time we can do a charcuterie with "souls-a-mi."
Everyone groans. Kenny grins—cha-ching (+$60).
LINDA
Okay, rule for the house: Kenny keeps the card but we don't force the funny. We let the world roast him naturally, like a rotisserie chicken of destiny.
KENNY
I'm okay being the town's roast if rent's paid.
GABRIEL
By the way, we re-glazed the bowl. We named it "Kenny."
MICHAEL
It has a chip and it keeps attracting money.
URlEL
It also screams if you microwave fish.
Kenny yawns. His phone buzzes again.
+ $5,000.00 — "pilot episode residuals: people laughed; nice."
KENNY
(confused, happy)
I don't even know what that means.
LINDA kisses his forehead.
LINDA
It means you're funny, sweetheart. Now go brush your teeth. The toothpaste keeps trying to unionize.
Kenny stands, immediately trips over the air. He flails, catches the lamp, the lamp headbutts him, he apologizes to the lamp.
MONSTER CHA-CHING (+$2,800).
Everyone cheers. The lamp forgives him, blinks twice.