Cold Open – Mallory's ApartmentMallory storms into her lavish penthouse, barking into the phone.
Mallory: "No, Nikolai, this is not the time to discuss your cholesterol!" (slams the phone down)
Cut to Archer and Spectre lounging on her couch.
Archer's drinking scotch at 10am.
Spectre's sipping fine cognac, polished as ever.
Archer: "Mother, you called us at nine in the morning. Do you hate us?"
Spectre: (dry) "Correction: she hates you. I'm just collateral damage."
Mallory reveals the issue: a blackmailer has a sex tape of her with KGB head Nikolai Jakov. Archer bursts out laughing.
Archer: "Oh my god! You? On tape? Is there a director's cut?"
Spectre: (snickering, mutters) "Pretty sure it's NC-17 for psychological trauma."
Mallory slaps both.
Mallory: "Fix this! Find the blackmailer, retrieve the tape, and keep my name out of the press!"
Act One – Briefing at ISIS HQThe team gathers in the conference room.
Lana's trying not to laugh.
Cyril is confused.
Pam and Cheryl are way too entertained.
Pam: "So it's like… a snuff film, but with Mallory?"
Spectre: (choking on his drink) "Jesus, Pam—no!"
Archer: "Wait, actually… yes."
They learn the blackmailer is a man named Ramon Limon, ex-Cuban spy turned freelance hustler. Mallory assigns Archer and Spectre to retrieve the tape.
Mallory: "And, Sterling, do not sleep with him."
Archer: "Mother! …But also, noted."
Spectre: "Why does she have to keep specifying that with you?"
Act Two – Miami NightclubArcher and Spectre arrive at Ramon's nightclub in Miami. The neon lights reflect off the bar as salsa music pumps.
Archer's already hitting mojitos like water.
Spectre smokes a cigar at the bar, surveying the crowd with a predator's calm.
Ramon spots them and greets Archer warmly, flirting instantly.
Ramon: "So you are Sterling Archer, sí? Even more handsome than I imagined."
Archer: (smug) "Well, yeah. Obviously."
Spectre: (under his breath) "He's drunker than you imagined too."
They sit in a booth. Ramon toys with them, hinting at the tape's value. Archer's ego makes him sloppy—he brags about "outsmarting" spies. Meanwhile, Spectre notices two of Ramon's bodyguards exchanging signals by the door.
He discreetly slips a knife from his boot.
Act Three – The FightThe "meeting" explodes into chaos when Ramon signals the hit. Bodyguards pull submachine guns.
Archer flips the table, spilling rum everywhere.
Spectre dives low, shooting two guards with controlled bursts.
The crowd screams and stampedes.
Archer (drunk, firing wildly): "Eat hot Cuban lead!"
Spectre: "You do realize we're the ones being shot at, right?!"
Ramon bolts for the back exit with the tape. Spectre chases, vaulting over tables. Archer stumbles behind, still holding a half-empty mojito.
In the alley, Spectre corners Ramon. They fight hand-to-hand—Ramon's surprisingly skilled, but Spectre slams him against a dumpster, twisting his arm until the tape falls free.
Archer finally staggers in, pointing his gun.
Archer: "Freeze, Ramon! …Or I'll shoot this mojito right down your throat."
Spectre: "That's not even a threat."
They cuff Ramon, grab the tape, and leave.
Act Four – Back at ISIS HQMallory inspects the tape with relief.
Mallory: "Finally. My reputation is safe."
Archer: "Safe? Mother, you're on the tape. The damage is permanent."
Spectre: (lighting a cigar) "Yeah, but at least the KGB doesn't get to laugh about it at cocktail parties."
Lana glares at both men.
Lana: "You two are unbelievable. One of you's drunk, the other's high, and somehow you save the day."
Spectre: "That's what you call balance, Lana."
Tag SceneLater that night, Spectre is back in a sleek Miami hotel suite. Shirt off, still bruised from the alley fight. He pours himself top-shelf rum and lights another cigar.
Mallory's voicemail plays:
"Spectre, you left blood on the embassy carpet. I'm sending you to Caracas. Clean this up before it stains myreputation."
Spectre smirks, raises his glass.
Spectre: "Here's to terrible bosses."
Fade to black.