It was morning on the stables of Axel. The cold winds signaling the coming of winter had begun to unravel the region. The diligent forest creatures stocking food on their home, the sprawled adventurers that lay on the floor of the stable, beaten beyond violet, and the shirtless man in red wear that stood reading a letter he awoke to find in his pockets.
Dear mister Crim. I'd like to thank you for protecting me from the wrath of the gods. As the diligent shopkeeper I always strive to be. I've left early so I can open my store and attend to the needs of my very real and important costumers. Don't worry about me, for I'll receive plenty of whiteness visits when I am at work, and that should discourage your friend from coming after me. I'll happily look forward to your next visit.
PS: You're so mean. I tried to give you a lap pillow after you passed out from fighting with your friends and you kept mumbling. "So cold" and shivering in your sleep. Us undead have feelings too you know?
[Rips letter apart] No wonder I woke up shivering.
Crim looked over the idiots that ruined his best night yet before he meticulously went around spitting in each of their faces and went inside the stall he was renting. There he found a comfortable slept useless goddess. She was hugging a bottle of cognac and had drool coming out of her mouth as she lay in the bed of spikes.
Wake up you good for nothing.
[Opens eyes, yawns, stretches] Good morning sex offender leech. Burb it so cold in here. [Shiver]
Winter must be coming too. Get up, I need to pick up the chain and rush to the nearest store to buy clothes before we freeze to death. Also heal me already.
Oh right. [[Sacred Heal]] Please wait a second here.
Aqua got up and left the stall. Crim took the chance to retract all the chain he used on the previous night and the bed chain while he was at it. He chanted pain of the light breeze and waited for the useless girl to return.
Taram, goddess Aqua has revived. Here's your stinky t shirt Leech.
What? When did you have the time to fix your clothes?
Oh common Leech, this are heavenly treads. They'll repair themselves if you leave them alone for a while. Tough my pajama is something I have to fix myself.
Well guess it doesn't really matter that much. I still need something more than my shirt. Go find Megumin, she was sadistically watching me get beaten yesterday from her stall. (I guess she's still mad at me.) Then we leave to have some breakfast.
Aye.
And so they left for the guild.
Get out!
What the fuck bitch? You let me in last night.
Well take a look around now.
The guild was full of wounded adventurers. Crim noticed several heads missing from the floor of the stables. So this is where they were, he thought.
I'm surprised you have the gall to show up around here after you hurt so many of our guild members. If I didn't know you better I'd put a bounty on your head for declaring war on the guild. So if you want food you can order and eat outside like the bad dog you are, and if you want to pick a quest then the more civilized members of your party can take one for you, and you're not getting an adventurer class until you learn to behave like a proper and educated man you ferocious creature!
They started it.
Oh really? Let's ask everyone then. Did you guys pick a fight with him?
Brave adventurer: He brutalized us for no reason.
Girl adventurer : He even hit us girls.
Nerd adventurer: He made me feel uncomfortable with my sexual orientation.
See!
That's bullshit. Of course those jackasses would lie about this.
Lady Aqua, Megumin. Is what this man says the truth?
I've tried to stop him, but he said I was useless and wouldn't listen to me.
I've tried too, but I am just a frail and defenseless little girl.
SEEEEE!
Megumin how could you? And you woman, you should be on my side here. Are you sure you want even more reasons to be punished on your plate?
It seems I was right all along. You should be glad we even let you eat here.
One of these days it will be the reckoning for all of you, mark my words. I'll like some stir eggs with beacon and a hash brown, triple that order for me and four margaritas to drink. What would you two like?
Rookie Killer marinated meatballs and a margarita too.
Give her some milk in place of that margarita. Your turn punish-able woman.
I'll like some pork chops. A Shrimp Gumbo and also some Chicken Milanese paired with some Swedish Meatballs and to drink some Grey Goose, leave the bottle on the table and bring me a Rainbow Mountain of flavors ice cream for dessert.
Serve her half that order.
Everyone happily got their food and began to eat. Crim sat by a table he was allowed to take outside the guild, there he noticed a fully armored individual approaching him.
Nice to meet you brave adventurer. My name is Dark—Lalatina, my name is Lalatina! No wait that isn't my name either—
Nice to meet you Lalatina.
[From her table inside the guild] Nice to meet you Lalatina!
[From Aqua table] How's it going Lalatina!
Guild adventurer's chorus: Nice to meet you Lalatina!
Guhyaaaaa! [Crouches in embarrassment]
So what brings you to me lonely table, Lalatina.
Don't use my name so casually! But well I'd came here because a friend told me you were looking for crusaders to join your party.
Oh right I remember that, blurrily for some reason but it seems it didn't work out. Say do all crusaders dress like that? If it wasn't for that helmet I'd swear I seen you somewhere before.
This is the standard high level crusader equipment we all wear it the same. Don't think too much about it.
Well I feel my mind going empty wherever I try to think about it anyways, so I won't. I'd like to welcome you but only if you prove yourself to me.
I'll do it! I'll prove myself as many times as it takes to have you let me inside the party. [Drool clearly coming out of her helmet]
(Damn I really feel like I seen this before but my mind keeps going blank for wherever reason.) Say could you take that helmet off for me a second?
No!
Minus five points for disobeying your leader orders. If you want to stay in the party you'll have to carry all the loot by yourself to make up for those lost points.
Ugyu! Oh how I've missed this! [Red and heavy panting sounds inside the helmet]
(Ah my mind is going blank again. Better I don't think too much and let her prove her mettle to me.)
A man rushed inside the guild crying and with his clothes and hair made a mess. The scene made everyone shift their attention from Crim and Lalatina drama to him.
What happened?
Piders! THE PIDERS!
Please calm down sir, your'e the quest giver that requested for an escort mission with some of our members right?
It's all over. The piders! The piders will devour us all! Those poor kids, they fought their hardest to help me escape. Some of them at least, buts it's all in vain! The piders will come out of the cave and end us all!
Sir please calm down. I don't understand what the piders even mean. Uh sir? Somebody call a cleric hurry!
[[Sacred Highness Heal]]
Aqua used her most powerful healing magic and the traumatized man wounds vanished in seconds and even his skin complexion cleared. He still remained unconscious.
This is bad. We have to send a rescue party immediately and get this man to a bed so he can rest. [Turns to Crim outside the guild]
Why the fuck you're looking at me of all people? I have a very important date so I am not going.
Brave adventurer: Forget about him Luna sis. Me and my party will handle it.
Yeah! We can go too, we need money in urgency.
Is just. The party that was escorting this man was Taylor party.
Everyone in the guild quieted down after hearing the name of the party leader. Crim couldn't help but wonder what was up with the sudden silence.
Hey why you all went silent all of a sudden?
Is just that Taylor party is one of the strongest we have around. Taylor, Lynn, Keith and Dust are all really powerful and work well together, although I could voice some complaints about half of them. I can't deny their some of the best we have here at the guild.
Oh so that's why you turned straight for me. I'm sorry but I am just a levels and frail man.
Stop playing dumb you shameless buffoon! Look around you, is obvious you're the strongest man around here!
Oh my, compliments are appreciated. But damn a quest now of all times. Guess I owe it to Dust and Keith. But damn I can't afford to miss my other date either.
What is this date you keep talking about you cheating leech!?
Yeah, any decent gentleman would learn to put his romance behind the lives of his friends.
Ouch Megumin. Alright I'll save them, I'll take the quest.
That's what I've wanted to hear. Will it be just you and lady Aqua as usual?
Nah I'm taking this girl too. Hey Lalatina you're up.
Don't use my name so casually! But I'll go, oh my goddess in heaven I wouldn't miss a quest with you in my entire life.
Well you're enthusiastic for some reason.
Ha ha ha, I'm going too. You said there wouldn't be problems if a crusader was around to protect me mister Crim. It is time you grovel in the awe that is explosion magic!
Excellent everyone. I'll bring out the map with the location of the cave right away.
Thinking about it better I've remembered I have a date with places to blow up and a girl can't afford to waste her romantic life over the lives of people she doesn't even know that well. [Runs away]
What's up with her all of a sudden?
Well Megumin is kind of a special case, and she hates caves and dungeons.
(Well is better if she plays around rather than go on a quest so dangerous. I'd take her on something more kid friendly when I have the time.) Pick the map and meet us at the gate Lalatina, there's something we need to clear up first.
No problem.
Hey do I have to go too? Can you just come pick me up when we have to leave for the cave?
Get off your dusty ass you good for nothing girl. We're going to buy some stuff for you.
Aqua jumped out of the seat taking the bottle of Grey Goose with her and left the guild with Crim. They walked and walked until they arrived at a certain magic shop where a ruckus was going on inside.
KYAAAA! Somebody help me!
Stop running around the counter you undeAOUCH! [Cries and Jumps holding her lashed butt all over the store.]
Crim lowly chanted lead whip and lashed Chris while she was chasing Wiz.
Is that undead again. I knew she was plotting something or otherwise she wouldn't have a reason to run from that brave thief like that. [[Turn UndYEOUCH! [Cries and jumps holding her lashed butt all over the store]
Crim binds the jumping goddesses and sits them side by side kneeling on the ground. Their painful red lash fully visible as a result of the hole lashed on the booty shorts and the shameless miniskirt.
Why'd you hit me!?
You're really asking for it lately. And if I even hear a why from you you're getting five more. You saw what I did with her the moment I walked in the store and you still had to act stupid didn't you? And if one of you tries to heal. I'm lashing both of you tenth times more.
Aqua, Chris, Hiiiiiii! [Terrified to tears]
I thought I was going to pass out from all the running around.
Well Wiz I've came as I'd promised. Show me where you hang the clothes.
Mister Crim how many times must I say this is a magic shop not an apparel store or something else.
So you don't have enchanted apparel here?
Of course I have enchanted clothes. This is a magic store after all.
All right I guess you must be as tired as I am. The thing is I met with a fellow who was wearing clothes with different enchantments yesterday, and I think that could be really useful for me. And with the winter coming I'd like more than just this southern style clothes to protect myself.
But of course mister Crim. Please wait while I come back and do not let them free under any circumstance.
Watch your tone with me you lich. Unless you want me to ughr, agh stop it Leech your chain is too tight.
Wiz left for the back and returned with some clothes and accessories for wear while Crim amused himself with the bluer face his goddess was making.
This is all I have in stock right now.
I see, what do you have that grants defense?
Well this is a ring of mettle. It grants a small chance to resist death with low health.
That was called a gut passive if I remember right. I'll take that ring.
Crim took the steel ring and placed it on his right hand ring finger.
Anything that covers me from the winter and has defense properties?
Well this black coat right here has a mid-level defense boost that can be enhanced at the crimson demon village.
I'll take that too.
Crim took the coat and worn it over his t shirt. The coat reached little under his waist.
This will be useful to hide the chain from sight too, anything else?
Nothing with defense properties at least. There's this one belt that has two charges of highness heal, but once those are used up it will become just a regular belt.
I like that too, anything that has healing or defense properties will work for me.
Hey I can heal you much better than a stupid belt.
The belt is more reliable.
Aqua: Hey!
Here is your belt, but I am afraid everything else is of offensive or miscellaneous use only.
All right how much was everything then?
Oh the belt is 5799 USDE, the ring 12000 USDE and the coat 22000 USDE.
Holy shit that's expensive.
[Money sign eyes] How mean mister Crim. This is all at the cheapest price on market. And you won't find the same items if you go to a different magic store.
Hey Leech didn't you said you would get something for me? I want some fancy wine.
We are shopping for equipment you idiot.
Eh but I don't really need anything. My clothes, raiment and staff are all divine relics anyways.
Did I just hear staff in there after I've told you many times to stop hiding shit from me?
Hmmp! [Pouts] I don't need some low quality items sold in a dubious store run by a lich, and my stats are maxed and I know all the priest skills anyways. So if you understand then set me free and let's go buy what I want.
Dubius store? How mean lady Aqua.
Keh. [Aptitude]
Whah. [Cries]
Now that I think about it Aqua, can't you learn the skills from other trees if your already done with yours?
Huh? [Aptitude] Who do you take me for, a fool? If I could do that I would have done so from the very beginning. Only the scrubs of the adventurer class can multiclass like that. I was able to learn from the party tricks tree because that's a miscellaneous tree that's not associated with any class.
Unbelievable. No matter what I do I can't even get a tinge of extra power out of you.
Hey! That sounds like I am a weakling that can't power up no matter what. Is just I'm at full power at all times like the goddess I am!
Wait mister Crim, I think I have something that can help.
Wiz left for the store and came back with a white book.
Wiz This is a skill book; it possesses skills of the miscellaneous category that can be learned by all spell caster class. This skill is called multicast. It allows the user to fire the same spell twice or even trice if he or she is powerful enough. But it uses even more mana than it would casting that number normally. It is phenomenal to save time when fighting, but it doesn't combine spells into one more powerful nor does it increase fire power.
Eh I don't want to have to read that long ass book for something so useless, besides my magic is potent enough to do its job in a single cast anyways.
Wait please lady Aqua. You don't have to read the full book to acquire the skill. It is just stock full of different ways to learn it in order to help the more. Not so good students. Once you learn the skill the book will banish by itself and you'd be able to use multicast.
I am afraid to ask but how much is that book again?
Well even though it is a locked skill book that can't be learned from others and has a single use, I'll sell it to you at the cheap price of 49000 USDE.
All that goes above and beyond what I made yesterday. I need a discount.
Discount!? How mean mister Crim. Some of us like to pay or bills and eat more than just a loaf of bread once a week. Discount? What does that even mean? Who even does that?
[Fakes dizziness] Ah my wounds from last night are wearing on my body.
Hey didn't I heal you—
Ah! I don't think I can keep the chain working when I feel so weak. [Chains comes slightly loose]
Wiz could see the eyes of the goddesses shining menacingly and freaked out.
Wait mister Crim I get it! You have saved my life many times how could I've even dared to treat you like a regular costumer. You're my honorary costumer and you'll get a 5% discount on anything you order.
Ugh I can't hold it for much longer.
Did I say 5%? I meant 25% percent!
Well that's enough for what I have so I'll take that. [Chain tightens]
Your total comes at 66,599. 25 USDE. Thank you very much for your business.
Well that's enough for now. I am left with nothing but a measly 2000 after all the cost from yesterday and the 10000 I left Megumin. If I wasn't in such a hurry I would really think thrice before buying all this.
Hey why'd you give money to Megumin but not me?
I'll pretend I didn't hear that as my good deed of the day. Also Wiz, sell me one pair of pants for my white haired friend.
Huh? I like my clothes thank you very much; I'd consider that if their enchanted.
Here's some pants mister Crim.
And some female underwear too please.
Crim took the pants and menacingly approached the goddess.
Eh? Wait what are you plotting? Get away from me!
[Lust and desire] You have a terribly big hole in your shorts over the lash from before milady luck. And one butt streaker goddess is enough around here.
Huh what butt streaker goddess?
GET AWAY FROM ME! [Trashes in the floor to get away]
Nope.
Then release me so I can dress by myself!
That won't do, that won't do. You can't be trusted around here, and going outside like that is out of the question. It's all right. My girls loved to have me dress them before they left for work every morning. I'll be professional I promise. [Pro pride]
NOOOOOOOOO!
One minute later.
[Cries] Ugh he saw everything, he touched everything. [Wails] You better take responsibility for all you done to me you sinner!
I don't know the word, responsibility.
You disgusting-sinning-degenerate-piece of shit-parasite-leech!
Awawawawawa. Mister Crim please don't do stuff like stripping girls bare inside a respectable store like mine.
Uwaaaah. [Cries]
Well that's enough, we have a party to save and if we make it quick I can still catch my date in time.
Crim left the store dragging the goddesses bind in chains. Once he walked far enough from the store he released them.
You may heal yourself now.
[[Sacred Heal]] [[Sacred Heal]] How dare you tell me when I can heal myself you leech!
You do this shit every time you'd let me sleep wounded for the whole night.
[Dries tears] I'll make you pay for this mark my words. [Storms off, trips, cries gets up and resumes running]
Just leave Wiz alone and everything will be fine!
That girl will never forgive you.
Meh she will, just like you do.