There are three universal truths in life:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. And the fact that if you are a harem protagonist, you will end up in a bathhouse or hot spring surrounded by half-naked women.
I didn't make the rules. The anime gods did.
Unfortunately for me, that universal law decided to activate barely a day after I woke up in this ridiculous new "harem protagonist" reality. I hadn't even had time to figure out why the ceiling kept collapsing every time a new girl appeared, and already destiny was dragging me by the towel toward humiliation.
---
It began after breakfast when Ayaka, my ever-smiling childhood friend, gave me a look that could only mean trouble.
"Protagonist-kun," she said sweetly, "don't you think it would be nice if we all went to relax together? You've had such a stressful morning. A hot bath would do wonders."
Her words were innocent enough. Her tone was not.
Before I could protest, Reina—the fiery ponytail girl—nearly spat out her tea.
"WHAT?! With him? Absolutely not! He doesn't deserve to share a sacred bath with us!"
Which, translated from tsundere-ese, meant: She was definitely going to end up in the bath with me.
Then Seraphina, the silver-haired mage who still hadn't paid for the ceiling repairs she caused, raised her staff as if she were announcing a royal festival.
"In my realm, communal bathing is a sacred ritual of trust and bonding. It is only natural that Protagonist-kun bathes with his chosen companions. I shall participate."
I groaned. Loudly. "Do… do any of you realize how this is going to look?"
Ayaka's smile widened. "Don't worry. We'll be careful."
Spoiler: they were not careful.
---
One hour later, we were standing in front of The Sizzling Sakura Bathhouse, a traditional-style hot spring inn complete with sliding paper doors, wooden lanterns, and steam rising in suspiciously artistic ways.
The sign even sparkled. Of course it sparkled.
"This is a trap," I muttered.
Ayaka tugged on my sleeve. "Come on, Protagonist-kun! It'll be fun."
Reina crossed her arms. "Just don't peek, or I'll kill you."
Seraphina nodded gravely. "Should he peek, I shall erase his memories with forbidden magic."
"…That's somehow worse."
But resistance was futile. The gods of fanservice had spoken.
---
The men's side of the bathhouse was empty. Obviously. Because this wasn't about me relaxing. This was about destiny setting up the perfect storm of steam, towels, and misunderstandings.
I slipped into the hot water with a sigh, finally letting the heat melt away some of my stress. Maybe, just maybe, I'd get five minutes of peace.
Then I heard the door creak open.
"Protagonist-kun?" Ayaka's voice floated in.
My blood turned to ice.
Wrong door.
Ayaka stepped inside like she owned the place, steam swirling dramatically around her. She had a towel wrapped neatly around her curves, and her hair shimmered with tiny droplets of water.
"This is… the men's side," I stammered.
She tilted her head. "Ara? Is it? Silly me, I must have taken a wrong turn."
Nobody in recorded history had ever "accidentally" wandered onto the wrong side of a bathhouse. Not without plot reasons.
Before I could say another word, the door slammed open again.
"You IDIOT! What are you doing here with him?!"
Reina stormed in, cheeks bright red, steam clinging to her like an aura of pure tsundere rage. She clutched her towel as if it were a sword.
"I-I told you not to do anything indecent!" she snapped, pointing at me even though she was the one invading. "This… this is a trap!"
Ayaka blinked innocently. "Ara ara~ you followed me, didn't you, Reina-chan?"
"I DID NOT—!!"
And then, as if destiny wanted to confirm that yes, this really was happening, the door slid open once more.
"Hmm. So this is where you all went."
Seraphina von Lunaris entered like a queen attending her coronation. Her silver hair glowed in the mist, her towel was arranged perfectly, and she moved with the confidence of someone who definitely knew this was an ecchi setup and didn't care.
I nearly choked. "W-wait, why are you all here?! This is the men's side!"
Ayaka clasped her hands together. "It seems destiny guided us."
Reina crossed her arms, face beet red. "I-it's not like I wanted to be here! I just came to… supervise!"
Seraphina raised her staff. "In my realm, men and women bathe together as equals. This is but a test of your composure, Protagonist-kun. Fail, and the balance of the multiverse may shatter."
"That's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard!"
But no one listened.
Now I was stuck in a bath surrounded by three towel-clad heroines. The kind of scenario guys dream of… and protagonists desperately try to survive.
And then it got worse.
Ayaka slipped.
Her foot caught on the wet tile. She stumbled forward, arms flailing.
Right toward me.
Time slowed down. Steam swirled dramatically.
She fell. I caught her.
The towel slipped.
For one horrifying, glorious, fate-sealed second, the universe decided to remind me that I was indeed in an ecchi parody story.
My life flashed before my eyes.
"PROTAGONIST-KUN!!!" Reina and Seraphina screamed in perfect stereo.
Reina's fist shot forward like a rocket. Seraphina raised her staff, chanting something that sounded suspiciously like a "memory wipe spell."
I did the only thing I could.
I screamed too.
---
What followed was less a bath and more a battlefield.
Reina smacked me across the head with the strength of ten angry tsunderes. Ayaka, still flustered, scrambled to fix her towel while insisting it was "just an accident." Seraphina summoned a glowing orb of magic that fizzled out because the steam made her incantation too slippery.
"Honestly," I groaned, holding the bump on my head. "Can't we just relax like normal people?"
Ayaka pouted. "But Protagonist-kun, this is normal. For you."
"That's not comforting."
Reina jabbed a finger at me. "You better not have seen anything!"
"As if I had a choice!" I snapped.
Seraphina sighed, settling into the water like a queen. "Truly, this is the path of destiny. Your resolve is being tested. Can you remain pure in the presence of temptation?"
I opened my mouth to argue. Then Ayaka leaned a little closer, steam curling around her smile.
"Protagonist-kun, are you feeling too hot? Maybe I can help wash your back."
I nearly drowned.
Reina shrieked. "AYAKA!!!"
Seraphina, of course, nodded thoughtfully. "A fine idea. In my homeland, back-washing is a sacred duty shared among bonded warriors."
"Stop making everything sound sacred!" I cried.
But it was too late. Ayaka had grabbed a washcloth. Reina was flailing to stop her. Seraphina was chanting something about "the Ritual of Sudsy Unity."
And me? I was wondering if it was possible to fake my own death and move to another universe.
---
The chaos escalated in ways I could barely describe. Towels slipped. Buckets of water tipped over. At one point, Reina slipped too and accidentally landed on my lap, which resulted in her screaming, punching me, and then screaming again because screaming was apparently her default setting.
Ayaka kept trying to "help" me relax, which mostly meant getting far too close for comfort.
And Seraphina? She treated the whole thing like a scientific experiment, observing every accident with the calm curiosity of someone who had read the script ahead of time.
By the time the bathhouse staff knocked on the door to ask if everything was alright, the place looked like a battlefield. Water everywhere. Towels hanging from suspicious angles. Me, curled in the corner like a man who had aged fifty years in half an hour.
"Never again," I muttered. "Never again will I step foot in a bathhouse."
Ayaka smiled sweetly. "Ara, don't say that, Protagonist-kun. Next time will go more smoothly."
"There's going to be a next time?!"
Reina crossed her arms, cheeks still burning. "I-I only came to make sure you didn't peek! Next time I'll be more careful!"
"There's DEFINITELY going to be a next time?!"
Seraphina's eyes gleamed. "Indeed. For the prophecy is clear: the Harem Protagonist must endure countless bathhouse encounters before reaching his true destiny."
"…I hate this world."
The three of them just laughed. Steam curled around us like the closing curtain of a bad stage play. And me? I made a mental note:
From now on, I'm showering. Alone.
End of Chapter 2