We were walking through the forest again when Naruto suddenly piped up:
"Hey, hey, hey! Are you single?"
I froze mid-step. "…What?"
"You know!" Naruto grinned, jogging ahead to look me in the eye. "Do you have a girlfriend? A wife? A secret crush? C'mon, you're old, right? You have to be married already!"
My eyebrow twitched. "That is none of your concern."
"So that's a no!" Naruto burst out laughing. "You're single! Wahahaha! No wonder you're so grumpy all the time!"
I clenched my fists. "Naruto…"
"Do you even know how to talk to girls?" he added, grinning with wicked glee.
I nearly choked on my own rage.
That night, I found my sandals stuffed with leaves. My cloak was tied in knots. My kunai pouch had mysteriously vanished—until Naruto "accidentally" tripped, spilling it from under his shirt.
"Oops," he said innocently, eyes twinkling.
I inhaled slowly. "Naruto…"
He giggled. "You should've seen your face!"
Later, I went to drink water from my canteen—only to spit it out immediately. Salty.
Naruto was rolling on the ground laughing, tears in his eyes.
"YOU PUT SALT IN MY WATER?!" I roared.
He only laughed harder.
For the first time in years, I almost coughed blood from sheer fury.
As we traveled the next day, Naruto refused to be silent.
Instead, he started making up songs. Loud, ridiculous songs.
"♪ Mister Grumpy Uchiha, stomping through the woods, never smiles, never laughs, only eats burnt food! ♪"
My eye twitched violently.
"Stop singing."
"♪ He has no girlfriend, he has no friends, maybe one day he'll smile again— ♪"
I activated my Mangekyō in sheer rage. "NARUTO."
He only laughed harder, running circles around me.
Finally, after hours of trolling, Naruto asked the fatal question while I was sharpening a kunai.
"Hey… do you even know how to kiss a girl?"
The kunai slipped. My chest tightened. For a moment, I genuinely felt blood rise in my throat.
Naruto saw my face turn red and burst out laughing so hard he fell backwards, clutching his stomach.
"You don't! You really don't! AHAHAHA!"
I covered my mouth, feeling the metallic taste of blood.
"…You… little… brat…"
Naruto only grinned smugly. "Heh. I guess I'll have to teach you someday."
I almost fainted from rage.
That night, as Naruto snored soundly under my cloak, I sat alone by the fire, clutching my chest.
This boy was going to kill me—not with jutsu, not with betrayal, but with his endless noise, his pranks, and his shameless questions.
And yet… despite my suffering, despite the blood in my throat, I felt something I hadn't in years.
The faintest warmth of family.
Even if that family made me want to strangle him daily.
Night fell again, the fire crackling softly in the clearing. Naruto wriggled into my cloak like a caterpillar, his bright blond head barely peeking out.
I had just settled against a tree when I heard his voice.
"Hey…" he mumbled.
I sighed. "What is it now?"
"…Can I hug you to sleep?"
I blinked. "What?"
Naruto looked at me with those wide blue eyes, hesitant but stubborn. "Back in the village, nobody ever let me… so… can I?"
I froze. Hug? Me?
I had faced Root assassins, ANBU squads, and even Orochimaru's twisted experiments without hesitation. But this? This made my skin crawl in a way no blade ever had.
"No."
"Why not?!" Naruto sat up, glaring. "Dads hug their kids! That's, like, a rule or something!"
"I'm not that kind of father," I muttered, closing my eyes.
Naruto puffed his cheeks. "Then you suck as a dad. Again."
My eyelid twitched.
I must have dozed off, because when I opened my eyes, Naruto had moved.
His small arms were wrapped around my side, his face buried against my chest.
My entire body went rigid.
"…Naruto."
He mumbled sleepily, "Warm…"
I looked down at him in horror. A jinchūriki, sleeping peacefully against me like a child who trusted me more than anyone else.
Me. The one who had stolen him away.
My chest tightened, and for a moment, I couldn't tell if it was rage… or something else.
I sat there stiff as stone while Naruto snored softly, his grip refusing to loosen.
Part of me screamed to shove him away, to remind him I wasn't here to coddle him.
But another part — the part I hated — stayed still, letting him cling.
Was this what family was supposed to feel like?
I tilted my head back, staring at the stars, cursing under my breath.
"…This brat is going to be the end of me."
We had stopped in a small border town to resupply. I pressed a small pouch of ryo into Naruto's hands.
"Don't waste it," I warned. "Food, tools, medicine. Essentials only."
Naruto beamed, eyes sparkling. "Got it! Essentials only!"
I should have known better.
One hour later, Naruto came running back with his arms full of bags.
"Look, Dad! I bought essentials!"
I blinked. "…Why do you have three giant boxes of instant ramen, fireworks, and… is that a frog-shaped piggy bank?"
Naruto grinned proudly. "Yep! Essentials!"
I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Where is the rest of the money?"
He laughed nervously. "…Gone."
My chest tightened. "You spent it all?!
"Hey, don't look at me like that! You're poor, anyway!"
Time froze.
"…What did you just say?"
Naruto puffed his cheeks, glaring up at me with all the smugness in the world. "You're poor. That's why you only ever buy fish and make it burnt. If you had money, you'd buy ramen like a normal person!"
I staggered back, clutching my chest. Blood nearly rose in my throat.
This boy… this boy had just called an Uchiha poor.