"You, You have one of those job things," Edward said, rushing to Carlisle. "Tell me where I can get one of those."
"A Job?" Carlisle said, delighted. One of his "children" actually wanted to do something?
"Well, Edward, when I was still alive I went to college for 8 years to be able to practice medicine. Then after I became a vampire I was reduced to kind of...haunting the hospital," he said, a bit sadly.
"It's not so bad. I still get paid well. I'm not sure what to do with my 401K plan...after all I'm immortal." Carlisle reclined back into his chair as he considered this. "I suppose I could place it all in a ROTH IRA, Let a little interest build. Perhaps make some investments in a startup Tech Company..."
Edward nearly loses his shit. "What is he saying? Is this English?"
Bella scrunches up her nose and shakes her head "No". "ROA? Sounds Indonesian. Are you speaking Indonesian, Carlisle?"
"Hey, I know a guy who could get you a JAH-AB!" Emmett said, suddenly. "Macaroni Toni! He's been bugging me to let him give Rosalie a job. Something that requires fishing... a HOOKER I think it's called. I told him, nah! I didn't want Rosalie walking around here smelling like fish so..."
Edward was delighted! His face lit up as Bella rubbed her baby bump and rolled her eyes. For a bunch of 100 billion-year-old Stegosauruses, this lot was dumb as shit.
Emmett led Edward to the place where he could find the immensely powerful wizard, "Macaroni Toni".
And a great and amazing wizard he was. He was dressed in neon green Valour, with a white fur tiger print collar, and platform shoes that contained water and no less than three clownfish each!
Adorned on his fingers were brilliant gold and platinum rings. Further ornaments hung from his neck on a gold rope. He carried a golden wizarding scepter with an iridescent crystal ball on its head. But on his head, oh great vampires of ancient times, on his head was the finest wizards hard Edward had ever seen!
My God, HE WAS BLINDING! He sparkled in the sunlight brighter then Edward could ever hope to. The sheer magnificence of Macaroni Toni bought Edward Cullen to his knees. He was overcome with the passion of the Macaroni!
"getyobitchassoffthefloor..." Macaroni mumbled, in a voice that was so slight it was barely more than a whisper, and it came out musically, like a chuckle. To even be audible, Macaroni had to sneer, so every word could escape, quickly and in a single file, least a syllable gets cut off when his sneer fell.
"Mac, my man!" Emmett shouted, slapping the pimp five. "I need you to hook my brother here up with a JAH-AB!"
"fuckhimman, heaintshit! Whenyougonnaletmehookyouupwiththe...MIAMI DOLPHINS?"
Emmett shook his head "no". Macaroni was unperturbed. "The Chicago Bulls?"
"Nah, man! I'm good. I'm not like dumb-dumb over here; sexing mortal chicks, getting them all pregnant and stuff"
"Oh, REALLY?" Toni moaned, pulling his pink glasses down his nose to get a good look at Edward. "youarethefather, huh?" He completed this with a tittering laugh.
"C'mon, huh..." Toni said motioning for Edward and Emmett to follow him. They walked to a nearby fast-food restaurant, Toni and Edward walked in through the door and Emmett crashed right through the wall like the Kool-Aid man, because if he didn't what is all that "BIG, STURDINESS" of his for?
"Buuuuurrr!" Emmett shook the dust and dirt out of his hair. "What the heck is this place?"
"thisismynewspot," Macaroni Toni said with a (p)impish chuckle. "Icallit-HAM-BURGERS!"
"Hamburgers?" Edward asked, tilting his head like a confused dog. Toni used one of his long, sharpened fingernails to motion for Edward and Emmett to follow him.
"thismy, cover operation," He said, "BEHOLD!"
As they stepped into the kitchen they saw cooks and worker men inside. But these men weren't regular men.
The first man was a handsome dashing blond. He had a red "Ham-Burgers" apron on over what looked to be a very expensive black suit.
"That's CHRISTIAN from the book, Fifty Shades of Horny" Tony explained.
Christian walked up to Edward and shook his hand nervously. "Please to meet you, old chum!"
"nextwehave, Male and Peter from, The Hungry games!"
The two young handsome men were at the fry station arguing with each other.
"I told you to dump the fries in 15 minutes ago!"
"Why? So everyone can have soggy fries? Do you like Soggy Fries, Peter? Do you?!" And the boys began wrestling on the ground.
"Here is the assistant manager, Rabio" Toni pointed to an older man with long blonde hair who would have been attractive 40 years ago but today...hmmm, not so much.
Rabio nodded his head as he continued to sweep the kitchen floor unmolested.
"I'm picking up on a theme here," Edward said, looking over all the men working in the restaurant. "They all have gay names..."
"My name is not GAY!" Peter shouted as he and Male wrestled on the floor.
"Their names were all concocted by female novelists." Macaroni Explained. "Even me, Macaroni Toni is my MAN NAME. My original name was Harry Pop-her!" Macaroni Toni gave that little (p)impish laugh again and bowed theatrically.
"And here at HAM-BURGERS, we are in the service business. Female service business, giving women what they really want. Gorgeous, romantic guys and greasy food! No one would judge them for fangirling or fat asses here!"
"Fat chicks are gross," Emmett announced.