Chapter 3 - Chapter 2 Hell shattered and numb

I remember when I was 7 1/2 my mom was given an ultimatum it was either her new husband or me and my brother well my mother decided it was in her best interest to choose him. We were pulled from school without a word shoved on a plane dropped in an another province miles away she sighed the papers like we didn't exist without any explanation and walked out the door without a word that was the day I shattered for the first time. I was separated from my brother my only friend he was placed in a good place that took care of him from what I saw I didn't see him very much at all. Me on the other hand got sent to a place that i only stayed 2 weeks I shared a room with 2 others she quit and retired shortly after that, they had a hard time placing me anywhere no one wanted to take me the only option was to place me in a hospital until they could find me a placement I spent my darkest days there alone that's when I started to act out as a child I started smoking at the age of 9 years old. I got caught by staff I quit for a while not for very long. I was finally found a placement it wasn't very much better at least it was a bed a roof over my head for a bit I lived with 6 other girls my foster parents had 1 dog and 12 cats I was paid an allowance for going to school they bought me smokes ehen I wanted them, we were always dropped off on the weekends in the nearest town I was 12 at the time that was when I first started drinking it was a way to numb the pain that I was feeling I started spiraling out of control I don't remember very much I would drink at school in a cup with the pop top the teachers never questioned anything as far as they new it was apple juice, by then I was at a 12 pack a day of alcohol and half a pack of smokes a day from there I sprawled farther I started to numb myself even more with weed laced with God nows what I would go to school wasted just to be numb from everything because that hurt alot less than the pain I was feeling, I would wake up on the weekends wherever I could find a place to crash wake up and do it again the next day first thing in the morning I would drink from morning to morning I didn't care about anything my goal was to be completely numb 24/7 being numb made me not have to face reality to not feel a thing to not show any emotions I was taught not to at young age I would get beat every time that I did. I learned fast to not show anything just resting butch face 24/7 if you wanted to show emotions than you went and hid and made sure you were quiet about it. It didn't really get any better for me than either we got dropped off on a Friday and we weren't picked up until Sunday afternoon was perfect for a delinquent child . We were taken to doctors not very often I only remember going twice the whole time I stayed there except for the bs therapist that they tried to shove on me to try and help me cope I didn't give a dam I sat there without saying a word the whole time at that time I would have rather suffred in silence than let anyone into my reality could you really blame me after everything so far last thing that I needed was another person pretending to care with false intentions. We didn't go into town very often it was far away was a good days drive to get there and back it was usually to get catfood dog food and kitty litter mostly I call this part of my life the salad diet and the don't eat at all diet most of time it was just a salad with cheese thousand islands dressing on a good day there weren't many of those at all I usually ate a laghie taffy and called it a meal I didn't care at all food didn't matter, I skipped more school than I went to I found it boaring never was a challenge for me the days I would sit in class I would do my own thing drowning out everything I called this the zone out and be off in my own little world doing my own thing, school was boaring to me I would always find a way to get in trouble so I didn't have to actually go to school I remember getting kicked out of daycare was almost kicked out of kindergarten I stood up for the people getting bullied I'm the reason for the bars between the windows I was pushed through one trying to save my little brother from a bully. Anyways rambling on lost in the train of my own thoughts way too many things flowing a million miles a minute. Where was I on yeah young teenage years I started to rebel further from there I gave myself my own tattoo when I was 12 1/2 pierced my own nose that took forever lol I only used ice and a saftey pin don't try this at home go see a professional definitely not recommend I started getting more piercings when I was 13 I was going to do it with or without written consent I didn't give a dam I call these my I don't give a fuck years because I really didn't give a fuck idk how I didn't die I would drink until.i would throw up and drink more until I blacked out than drink some more. I did this for many years I was only sober when my mother would send for me that was only every major holiday and every summer for 3 weeks in the summer just enough to get the branding and crops done then we were sent back home. It want much better at least I had an actual bed my own room for the first time in my life, I had a lock on my door privacy for the first time or so I thought saftey was just an illusion my mother had no idea and if she did she never said anything I have never told anyone to this day still idk who I was protecting my mother's happiness I guess. My step dad was just like my real dad I would lock my door he had a key I made sure I was always gone never home some days I didn't have a choice a girls gotta sleep right I would keep myself up for days sober I wasn't allowed to drink at my mother's house I would just sneak it out of the cabinet when they were sleeping, is when I started the hard liquor journey for the first time. There was a bar in the basement I started with whiskey they never noticed, I was only allowed to smoke cigarettes outside I was 13 by then my mother bought my smiles and my lighter when I needed it I was so far gone I. The darkness I was lost I didn't even recognize myself anymore I just wanted to go back to party land shoved on the plane and left alone and forgotten u til the next holiday rolled around she only cared when it was convenient for her or when she had to other than that no phone calls, no birthday gifts no happy birthday just forgotten like I never existed at all followed by a bunch more of numbing thr pain. I got so out of control that I was about to age out of the system be step.up with a place of my very own nope my mother had other plans without consulting me at all. Mind you I did alot of dumb shit back then lesson learned don't know how I made it through my teenage years at all most of it was a drunken blur, wasn't a day I was fully sober at all. I didn't start slashing myself until I was 14 I figured why not maybe someone would actually give a rats ass nope not at all I was left to my own devices u til I eventually got board and grew out of it it didn't take very long 6 months when it gets really cold I can still see the scars is just a reminder of the pain that I went through. I used to get really bad headache's I couldn't see anything just a black and white TV screen I was always frozen in place nothing worked was placed on meds for it but they never worked I stopped taking them it was only making it worse than before I figured if I was going out I was going out with a bang pretty sure they wouldn't have even noticed that I was gone they probably would have thrown a party and celebrated that I was gone. I was moved from where I was to my mother's house that didn't last long either I hated being told what to do all the time between that and my step dad I didn't want to be there at all I went to school skipped even class until I got kicked out this was about grade 8 I think idk dosent really matter