Idk where to start the odds were stacked against me from the moment I entered this world, I lived in a apartment when I was a baby I can remember sleeping in a snow suit in the middle of winter in my crib there was no heat in the apartment the landlord didn't want to fix the heat. I suffered severe frostbite of most of my body I was told that 3 minutes later I would have lost all my extremities. I moved into a larger house paid for by my adopted grandfather I remember having no heat either a wood stove was brought into the house, theor was a large hole cut in the floor with a large metal greate so that the top floor was heated. My father wasn't a very nice man I can remember from when I was 3 years old my parents would always fight with eachother I remember having to comfort my 2 1/1 year old brother I took care of him fed him ect. My father was always wasted, my mom was never around I was constantly left alone to raise and take care of my little brother we didn't have very much just 1 tog and a stuffed mouse I slept on the floor with a blanket no bed at all everything that we had was passed down like I said I grew up dirt poor with nothing we only ate once a day that's all that was in the fridge on a good day. The living room always had beer bottles scattered everywhere cigarette butt's all over the table. I still remember my father telling me if you touch those matches I'm going to burn your hand on the wood stove. I can still smell the smell of stale beer occasionally makes me want to throw up most days. I was cleaning up one day I picked up the matches to clean off the table I got caught with them in my hand I got dragged to the stove my hand got pressed against it, I got badly burned that day I was never taken to the hospital it was covered up and hidden until it was healed. My brother was about 3 1/2 to 4 years old I remember sitting on his bed my father was teaching him to read from a kids book he got mad when my brother couldn't pronounce a word breaking his leg. You see my father was a monster hiding g behind a mask I still remember all the fighting the screaming the nights he would always come home drunk and drink rapidly most days. He rapidly raped and beat the trap out of my mother that's how my brother showed up, constantly cheating on my mother draining her accounts acusing her of everything under the sun. The multiple attempts to kill her the most horrific was the semi truck that he paid to hit her idk how she survived I can remember standing at my bedroom window watching it happen powerless to stop it the other time he poured gasoline on the BBQ and told my mom to go and light the BBQ she was lucky that day. Idk what eventually snapped in my mom she got the courage to finally leave I don't remember after how many years of staying she planned in secret if he would have found out he would have tried to kill her again. I remember bei g placed in the back of a cop car while my father was at work and escorted out of town. I never had any friends growing up I spent most of my days lone. Idk why to this day I remember being dropped off somewhere I'm not sure where, I was passed from family member to family member for a week to 2 weeks at a time never really listened to I was always ignored like I didn't exist left to fend for myself I was 6 years old by then I had to teach myself everything I begged to go to school I was never enrolled I skipped multiple grades my family never cared you see I've had to rely on myself from a very small age I never had anyone that I could rely on they never gave a dam I was always singled out everything. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I was always pushed to the side I remember being brought to family gatherings the usual holiday where everyone got together everyone mingling with everyone I was always alone sitting in the corner non existent to everyone around me.i have spent my whole life in the darkness in the shadows never feeling like I belonged anywhere or fitting in at all. I feel like the family I had never actually gave a dam at all they only cared about themselves. My mother found a new person to be with and completely forgot that we existed when it wasn't conventional for her she only flew us in when it was conventional for her or she needed to get large amounts of work done for short periods of time. I learned never to be comfortable in one spot they kept moving us around from place to place all the time. It wasn't until I was 7 years old that being passed from family member to family member actually stopped, I was passed between my mother and my father after that yes my mom knew what he was capable of but still did it anyways. I would just start to get comfortable make a friend of 2 and be ripped away and moved somewhere else I only stayed in one place 2 to 3 weeks at a time never any longer than that most of the time. I got really sick for 3 weeks I remember being extremely lethargic I didn't want to eat I wasn't hungry at all I had to carry a bottle of Tylenol with me it wasn't until week 4 that I couldn't move at all I was finally taken to the hospital they took so much blood that my vein had collapsed in the process, I stayed there 2 weeks I had no family or friends come and visit me I was alone through it all the nurses came to check no one else came until the day that I was released from the hospital I was put on a plane and sent to my mother that didn't last very long. I spent Christmas there and was shipped back to my father's house without a word. I was sent to a babysitters house everymorning at 4:30 am I was half awake half asleep when we were dropped off fed breakfast once we arrived the usual corn flakes and milk and sent back to bed we never got the option of another meal once we woke up at all just pushed off to school for the 2 months that we were there idk maybe longer I blocked out alot of my child hood it wasn't a very pleasant one at all. We would usually head back for lunch which was the usual kraft dinner and hot dogs everyday sometimes just breakfast at 4:30 am. I was always watched by an older couple one male and 1 female the female was okay the male not so much the male like little girls way too much I suffred for years in silence before I could actually gain the courage to say anything even then nothing happend to the guy he just got a slap on the wrist and nothing more than that. It triggered my father to speak out about what he did when I was younger. I have healed in silence alone I haven't talked about it but im.being called to write this for a while now this isn't easy to write I never thought that I would share my trials and tribulations and survival through everything that I have been through in my life being alone has taught me alot as a child that when you get to that dark you are drawn to people who are suffering and you can feel it deep in your soul you never want to see anyone suffering from anything sometimes there burdens become to much to bear on there own they just want to know that someone notices them, gives a dam let's them know that they are never alone even if it feels like you are your not if this inspires just one person to continue to not struggle to not give up to keep fighting for your dreams, I know that it might feel impossible at the moment nothing was ever built in a day take it one day at a time you will make it just don't give up no matter what the odds are you will make it
