The guild had just paid us for dumping the bandit leader on their counter like a half-priced rotisserie chicken. Aryan might have "accidentally" parked the car on his legs one more time before handing him over. To be fair, the man did try to stab us.
The guild clerk pinched her nose. "You two are the weirdest adventurers I've ever met."
"Correction," I said, pointing to Aryan, "he's weird. I'm charismatic."
Aryan just muttered, "I drive."
The guild clerk sighed, pushing us our reward. "Here. Silver coins, a free drink ticket, and… a coupon for 10% off therapy."
I raised a brow. "That last one feels targeted."
She looked me dead in the eyes. "It is."
We strolled out with jangling pockets, Aryan chewing his toothpick like it was a full meal.
That's when I said the fateful words:
"Aryan, listen. If we're gonna survive in this world, we need a party. A squad. A crew. You can't spell 'teamwork' without 'me,' and… uh… 'tea.'"
"Listen, Aryan," I said, counting coins. "We can't keep running this as a duo. You're the driver, I'm the mage. That's not a party. That's a YouTobe collab.
He squinted. "I drive."
"That's your answer to everything. But fine. We need muscle. We need brains. We need—"
"THERAPY."
The voice shook the air. We turned.
There he was.
Dr. Kevin.
A man built like a GigaChad statue carved by Zeus himself. Chiseled jaw. Beard sharper than my GPA. Muscles stacked like he did push-ups before he was born. He radiated testosterone and judgment in equal measure. And in his hand? Not a sword. Not a staff. But a clipboard.
And instead of a kind smile? He had the permanent scowl of a man who charges $300 an hour to tell you that you're the problem.
"I am Dr. Kevin," he said. "Philosopher. Therapist. Destroyer of egos."
He pointed his clipboard at me like a weapon. "I hear you claim to cure depression. Pathetic."
I blinked. "...I don't know if I should fight you, hug you, or pay you per session."
Kevin sneered. "You? Cure depression? With your clown magic? I've been a therapist since before. I don't cure depression. I weaponize it."
Kevin ignored me and turned to a random bystander. "You. Why are you clapping?"
The man froze. "B-Because… you're inspiring?"
Kevin leaned in. "No. You're clapping because your father left and you're desperate for male validation."
The man broke down sobbing.
I whistled. "Bro, he just cast Emotional Damage as a passive skill."
Aryan muttered, "He drives minds."
"Shut up, Aryan," I said, "that doesn't even make sense."
Naturally, I asked the only logical thing: "Hey, wanna join our party?"
Kevin tilted his chin. "Maybe. But only because your incompetence will give me endless case studies."
And just like that, we unlocked: Party Member #3 – Dr. Kevin, Therapist of Doom.
armored boots thundered down the street. A squad of knights stormed in, weapons drawn.
"You there! Dr. Kevin!" the captain barked. "You are under arrest for fraud, emotional manipulation, and, uh… general meanness."
Kevin didn't flinch. "Ah. Projection. Classic. You probably have unresolved parental issues."
The knight actually flinched.
And just like that, we were dragged off to the castle's Investigation Chamber.
The chamber was circular, stone walls lit by torches. In the center floated a glowing Truth Orb, humming with magic. Priests stood by with clipboards of their own, glaring.
"This orb forces honesty," the captain announced. "No lies can be spoken in its presence."
Kevin folded his arms. "Good. Finally, a worthy opponent."
The interrogation began.
"Dr. Kevin," the captain demanded, "did you scam villagers with fake therapy?"
Kevin locked eyes with the orb. "No. I told them the truth. For example—" he turned to the captain— "you're insecure about your authority, so you overcompensate by polishing your armor until you can see your nonexistent abs in it."
The orb glowed green.
The room gasped.
The captain turned beet red. "T-That's irrelevant!"
Kevin leaned back. "Irrelevant? So was your marriage. Your wife left you because you can't hold eye contact for longer than three seconds. That, and your bed squeaks too much."
The orb glowed green.
The captain shrieked. "WHO TOLD YOU?!"
Kevin smirked. "Your posture did."
Aryan leaned toward me, whispering, "He drives pain."
The orb glowed green again.
I slapped my forehead. "Stop validating him, damn it!"
Knight: "Did you call the mayor a potato?"
Kevin: "Incorrect. I called him a rotten potato with a superiority complex."
Orb glows green.
Knight: "Did you ruin the blacksmith's marriage?"
Kevin: "I didn't ruin it. His wife did when she cheated with the baker. Their kid has frosting-colored hair. Connect the dots."
Orb glowed green.
The blacksmith fainted in the audience.
Knight: "Did you tell the priest he wasted his life?"
Kevin: "Yes. He pledged celibacy, then spends his evenings staring at bakery girls like a starving dog."
Orb glows green.
Priest faints.
At this point, the Truth Orb itself was overheating from all the savage truths. It started vibrating like a washing machine on steroids.
Kevin leaned forward, whispered to the orb: "You're insecure about your roundness."
The orb cracked.
"TRUTH OVERLOAD!" the priest yelled as the orb exploded into glitter and shame.
That's when one knight snapped. "Enough of this! He's mocking us!" He swung his sword.
Kevin cracked his knuckles. "Ah. My favorite form of therapy: exposure."
Kevin ducked and countered—by slapping the man in the face with his clipboard. WHACK. The knight dropped like a sack of unresolved trauma.
One knight charged. Kevin sidestepped and said, "You only fight because your wife is stronger than you in bed."The knight tripped, burst into tears, and ran away.
Another swung a spear. Kevin blocked it with his clipboard. "You use long weapons because you're compensating."
The knight screamed, dropped the spear, and curled into the fetal position.
The room exploded into chaos.
"Arrest them all!"
I shouted, "Summon Fireball!"—and got a flaming dodgeball again. I hurled it, smacking a knight square in the helmet. He fell screaming, "MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL… oh wait, never mind, it was ugly anyway."
Aryan calmly kicked over a chair, sat in it backwards, and whispered, "I drive."
Then, somehow, he drifted the interrogation chair across the room, smashing into two knights like it was Tokyo Drift: Therapy Edition.
Kevin was untouchable. One knight tried stabbing him, but Kevin just pointed at him. "You're only violent because your mother never hugged you."
The orb glowed green. The knight dropped his sword and started crying into his gauntlets.
Another knight swung at him. Kevin sidestepped, clipped him with the clipboard, and hissed: "You peaked into bathroom in high school."
Orb glows green. Knight collapses in shame.
I laughed so hard I almost forgot we were fighting. "Kevin's not a therapist. He's a final boss!"
he captain screamed, grabbing the orb. "ENOUGH! THIS WILL END NOW!"
Kevin smirked. "Orb. Tell the truth. this man cry after sex?"
The orb glowed so violently it cracked.
"NOOOOO!" the captain shrieked as the orb exploded into a glittery rain of truths. Every hidden secret in the room was revealed.
One priest sobbed: "I steal communion wine!"
Another knight wailed: "I'm into goblin feet!"
The mayor's assistant shouted: "I've been replacing tax documents with my doodles of cats!"
The chamber descended into chaos.
Aryan calmly drifted his chair into a corner, folded his arms, and said: "I drive."
When the dust settled, half the knights were crying, the priests were in therapy, and the Truth Orb was a pile of shiny rubble.
Kevin adjusted his clipboard. "Pathetic. I cured more trauma in ten minutes than your entire system did in a century."
The knights had no choice but to release us. The captain resigned on the spot, mumbling something about "opening a bakery in another kingdom."
Aryan lit a new toothpick. "He drives… honesty."
"Stop saying that!" I snapped.
The orb was gone, but I swear the air itself glowed green.
With their morale shattered and their insecurities publicly exposed, the knights surrendered. The priest tried to save face. "The orb is destroyed, but… by its last verdicts, you are innocent."
We walked out free men.
Kevin smirked. "Of course. Therapy always wins."
Kevin smirked. "Your father never loved you."
I clutched my chest. "Okay, you're in. Party officially expanded: Unusual Mage, Driver, and Therapist of Doom. Together, we're like… The Avongers, but worse The Traumavengers!""
And just like that, the Traumavengers were born.
Kevin adjusted his glasses. "Pathetic name."
As we left the chamber, peasants whispered in awe, nobles wrote petitions, and one knight quietly applied for therapy.
Somewhere above, I swear the gods were rolling on the floor.
Above, the gods were still watching.
DivineChat:
Holy_Simp_69: pls make Kevin roast me next 🙏GodOfChaos69: Party comp is cursed af lol
HeavenlyIntern: I quit.
ZeusAltAcc: Meme mage, Driver, Therapist? this party is cursed LMAOO