I didn't know what went wrong, whN I N E I called up Shaina on my way back home, trying to be what people expected me to be like: flirtatious and charming, two words that I was sure I wasn't. 'Hi. Where are you?' 'I was just going to college,' she said. 'Can we meet for a little while? I just dropped your sister to the hospital, so I needed to talk to you,' I said. 'Oh. Is it something important?' 'Yes, it is,' I answered quietly. She told me she was near my old house and I asked her to stay there. I drove like a madman. 'Hey,' she said. She seemed happy, and she was smiling. I wondered if Diya had made a big deal out of nothing. 'Hi. You seem happy!' I said. 'Hey, do you mind if we hang out at my place? I promise I will not do anything this time. It's too hot out here.' She nodded. We walked to my house and I let her in. 'You said there was something important you wanted to tell me about Diya. What was it?' she asked. 'When did I say that?' 'You did! You said you just dropped her at the hospital and you wanted to talk to me about something important,' she repeated my words. 'I never said it was about her!' I said. 'You're so sneaky, Benoy,' she responded and laughed. 'I heard Manoj is coming tonight, and that you guys will decide on the engagement date. Are you excited?' I asked. 'Excited? I am not sure,' she said. 'And they were about to come tonight, but I think they are not. They are yet to let us know.''Does he trouble you any more?' I asked. 'I am used to it,' Shaina answered. 'The only things you should be used to are the good things people say about you. Do you want water? Let me get some,' I said and got her water from the fridge. 'Isn't that water old?' she asked. 'My maid still comes every day,' I said. 'This is as fresh as fresh can be.' 'Why do I forget you have secret stashes of gold biscuits hidden all over the country!' she mocked. 'You sound like your sister,' I pointed out. 'But unfortunately, I am not in love with your sister.' 'Stop it, Benoy,' she said shyly. 'You have to stop doing that.' 'Stop doing it? Are you crazy? You're like getting married tomorrow!' 'NOT TOMORROW!' 'Whatever. You're getting engaged in a month or so. I think I should make up for all the time to hit on you!' I said. 'Okay, fine. Enough.' She laughed. 'I should really go. If Manoj gets to know anything of this, he will probably kill me, and then kill you.' 'Ask him to try. I am a Delhi boy, man. Doesn't he know who my father is? He fucking owns half of Delhi.' I chuckled. 'And still you're with him. I don't see any reason why!' 'I should really go,' she said and smiled again. 'You should really stay. I am getting people to lock the door from outside. Not normal locks, but the titanium ones, ones you can't break into. We will be locked here forever.' 'Why do you say things like that?' 'Because I love you. And I will never say things like this to anyone else.' 'Why do you make my life so complicated? Things were better when you weren't around, Benoy,' she said. 'Because I love you.' 'If I were you, I would hate me with everything I have got. How are you so persistent? I have done everything wrong and still you won't go?' she said guiltily.'I only fall more in love with you,' I answered. 'This is why I stay away from you,' she said. 'Why?' 'Because you are charming, and sweet.' 'But why stay away from me?' I asked and put my best smile on. 'You can just ask Manoj and his family to fuck off. That's all you need to do.' 'You know I can't do that,' she said. 'And now, I really need to go. The longer I stay, the more I would want to stay. I can't afford that. I can't mess it up again. I am very scared.' 'Why are you scared?' 'That I might fall for you,' she said and looked away. 'I have thought about the two of us together, and it's beautiful. But I feel terrible about it. Guilty.' Her voice was heavy and serious. She looked even prettier now that she had told me that I was on her mind. Just knowing that I meant something to her meant the world to me. 'You don't have to feel guilty. I don't feel guilty about hitting on a girl who is about to get engaged.' 'Very funny, Benoy. It's different. You wouldn't understand.' 'I would. But the last time I wanted to understand you, you called me a spoilt brat and a stalker!' She laughed. And she looked oh so cute! 'Brat you are. Sorry for the last part. Manoj wanted me to say that. Almost everything I said about you was just a repetition of his words, the things he wanted me to say. You know I would never say those things about you. I was so fond of you! I still am,' she clarified. 'It's okay. Obviously I know. So you don't regret anything that happened between us?' 'No. It was the best time ever!' she said and smiled at me. 'Not even the kiss?' 'Especially not the kiss,' she said, her eyes half open, half closed. 'It was my best kiss ever.' 'Hmm.'She said this and came and sat close to me. Inches away. I did not know how to react. Her hand crept up mine, and I was scared. I didn't want to kiss her again and lose her. That would be just the worst. 'Maybe, it was not meant to be,' she said and looked deep into my eyes. 'It is … and err … I wish I was drunk.' 'Why?' 'Then I wouldn't be sorry for thinking about what I want to do to you,' I said. I don't know why she came close to me. She must have come to make me feel better, but I was undergoing an entirely different set of emotions. Like the ones I had gone through that day when she was drenched and had got naked at my place. 'What do you want to do?' she asked, almost whispered with her lips slightly apart. 'I would rather not say. The last time I tried something, you left my place crying.' 'I think you should try whatever you want to,' she said, her hand rubbed against mine. This was getting creepy. Creepy but nice. What the hell! I decided to tell her what was on my mind. 'I would have kissed you. Kissed you and made you shut up about Manoj and the crap that is going to happen tonight. Wrap my lips around yours and kiss you long enough to make you realize that I am what you want, not him.' 'Do it,' I heard her say faintly. 'What?' 'Do it, Benoy.' I made sure of what she said. And then … I leaned into her. Her eyes never let go of mine. Her hand clutched my hand tighter. Still centimetres away from her lips, my eyes closed as I could already sense the overwhelming pleasure. Time froze as my lips touched hers, the soft wetness of her soft, pink lips against mine, and our bodies met. I lost myself in the kiss, as my lips warmed up to her and I kissed her out of passion and not out of studied style. I did not know what I was doing. I had lost mysenses. The kiss lasted for ten years, and my heart beat out of my chest. The wetness and the passion of the kiss had reached every iota of blood rushing through my body. As my eyes closed and opened periodically, I looked at her. And every time I saw her, I only kissed her more, my hands gripped her tighter, as if never to let go. I was out of breath by the time I stopped kissing. I didn't want to stop. 'I love you,' I said. 'Don't spoil it,' she said and bent into me. She looked at me with her eyes half drowsy and her lips wet from the kiss we'd shared. I felt her fingers on my neck and she let her nails linger there. Slowly, she moved down and her fingers hovered around the first button of my shirt. She still looked deep into my eyes. Then, she leaned further on to me and kissed my ear. Her tongue played with my ear while her fingers skilfully unbuttoned me. Her hands and fingers were all over me, teasing me and taunting me. Her eyes, her hands, her touch— everything drew me closer into her. It seemed like a dream. Her every touch, her every move owned me. I was hers. 'Take this off,' she whispered in my ear. I got rid of my shirt. She pushed me on the couch and climbed on top of She kissed me on my lips again. I tried grabbing her, but she pushed away my hands. She started kissing me on my neck, licking it and biting it softly. She moved down, slowly kissing my chest and further down. Her eyes never left my gaze and I kept looking back at her. I felt helpless as she moved down and unbuckled my belt. The belt was snapped open. 'What do you want me to do?' she asked. I was too numb to say anything, and she unhooked the button of my jeans. My feelings had no bounds, no explanations, everything turned hazy. And nice. 'Take it off,' she said again. But before I could, she did so. She looked at me and smiled. She sat up and removed her T-shirt. And then the rest of her clothes. She was right on top of me. Bare. I looked at her in disbelief. My body underwent a million internal orgasms as I saw her. The shapely hourglass figure wrapped in the most exquisite and perfect skin. Thegorgeous breasts. The light coming from behind her accentuated her features and she looked perfect. Between that day when she had changed out of her clothes at my place and this day, I had imagined her naked quite a few times but this was better! 'You need help,' she said and looked at me. I felt her hand creeping down. My toes contorted as she weaved her magic around me. 'Was that good?' she said as she looked up at me. Her eyes still dripped with unbridled passion and lust. I did not say anything. I just grabbed her. Her body was as smooth as porcelain, and it was phenomenal just to touch her. I could not help but dig into her. My tongue, my lips went all over her, as I flipped her over and went on top of her. She struggled a little but then gave in. My senses got clouded with her perfume and her touch, and I ravished her. I kissed and licked, almost to prove myself. She locked her legs around me and moaned. And every time she moaned it only made me savage her more. I sank my head into her gorgeous breasts and she kissed my forehead. And we suddenly started kissing again. 'We should do it,' I said. 'You think?' 'Yes,' I said. 'I thought you would never ask, Benoy,' she said and kissed me. Soon, I found myself again lying on my back. She climbed over me, and kissed me. What we did next would never leave my head. Our bodies collided and we made love. It did not matter when we rolled off the couch. It did not matter and we did not care when we were on the dining table. I have no idea how we reached the bedroom. But I do remember that I did not let go of her bare skin. My fingers never let go of her skin, her touch never left mine. We kissed until we ran out of breath. We bit and clawed our way into each other. Our hands were all over each other. So were we. We lost count of time and space. Three hours later. We lay next to each other, on the floor. I was exhausted and panting. She lay beside me. I looked at her and caught her looking at me. Her eyes hadsmall tears that were streaking down. But she was smiling. I crept my hand up on the floor and she clutched it. She rolled over on to me and hugged It was not the fact that we'd made love that I was smiling about. What made me smile was that she looked at me with such love in her eyes. Maybe, I was imagining it, but it sure made my day. She slept with her head on my chest; she kissed me whenever she woke up. And I kissed her on the forehead whenever I got the chance. I did not know what she was thinking, but I knew what I was thinking. Has this really happened? Things suddenly changed in my head. This was an entirely new concept of Shaina in my head. She was a pretty and cute girl, who had been so guilty about briefly kissing me that day. But this was different. It was an entirely different side of her. And this side was incredibly seductive and sexy. As we snuggled and periodically kissed, we did not say anything. I did not know what to say. I don't know how much time passed. But my reverie was broken by her phone buzzing on the table. 'Ohh shit! It's seven,' she said; her phone kept ringing. It was her mom. 'Hi, Mom,' she said. 'Yes, Mom. With Benoy. Yes, I am just coming. Thirty minutes.' She immediately got up and looked for her clothes. I tried not to look at her as she changed. I got up, too, and got into my clothes. 'Need to go, Benoy. Manoj is home. They are home!' 'Ohh.' 'Shit! Why did I tell Mom I was with you!' 'Did your mom tell him?' 'I don't know,' she said. 'Can you drop me home?' 'Oh fuck! I had to pick up Diya from the hospital.' 'She's already home,' she said and checked her face in the mirror. She was worried. And tense. I drove faster. I did not know what to say. Just a few minutes back, we were lying in each other's arms, naked, and now she was on her way to decide on which date she had to get engaged. I was furious, but my skin was still tingling from before. Just as she got down from the car, I asked her, 'So?''So?' 'What about today?' I asked. 'Benoy?' she asked. 'Do you mind coming upstairs?' 'ME? Are you crazy? Your bastard boyfriend and his family is there,' I grumbled. 'Please,'she pleaded. I couldn't say no.C H A P T ER F O RT Y Mrs Gupta opened the door. 'Hey, beta! What took you so long?' 'Traffic,' I said, trying to compose myself. 'Shaina.' She turned to her daughter. 'Why don't you make him sit at the dining table? Call your sister, too. She's sleeping I think.' We walked to the dining area and I couldn't see Manoj or his family there. Shaina's father was missing, too, so I assumed they had gone for a walk or something that adults do. 'Where is everybody?' I whispered in Shaina's ear. 'They must have gone out,' Shaina told me. Diya came out of her bedroom, rubbing her eyes, still sleepy. 'What are you doing here?' Diya asked as she saw me. 'Diya beta. You also sit down with them. I will serve all three of you together,' she said and Diya joined us at the table as well. 'Are you sure we should eat, Aunty? Shouldn't we wait for Uncle and the others?' I asked but Mrs Gupta was too busy filling up the plates in front of She pointed out to the different casseroles in front of us and told me I shouldn't feel shy and I should eat whatever I felt like. She disappeared into her bedroom. 'You were sleeping inside?' I asked Diya. 'Didn't you meet Manoj and his family?' Before Diya could answer, Shaina butted in, 'They don't like Diya. So Mom must have asked her to be in her room. Is that right, Diya?' Diya smiled and nodded. 'It will be so strange if they walk in now and see us all eating,' I said.'I don't care what that bastard thinks,' Diya said with disdain. 'Where were the two of you?' she asked us. 'We were hanging out at his place, but then Mom called and told me that Manoj and his family were here to decide the date of our engagement. So we rushed back!' Shaina explained. 'Aha! Okay,' Diya said and nodded her head. 'I'm surprised you're here, Benoy. Manoj hates you; you clearly love my sister. On a scale of one to ten, you're clearly a ten as far as undesirability goes.' 'She wanted me to be here,' I said, gulping as fast as I could. I wanted to run out before Manoj came, because I would have punched him otherwise. 'If left to me, I would thrash Manoj to inches away from his death, and then thrash him some more.' 'You would have done nothing!' Shaina argued. 'Excuse me?' I said. 'What excuse me? You just sit where you are and try to act all wise and understanding, Benoy. Why couldn't you just tell me that I should walk out of this wedding?' Shaina bellowed. 'I agree with my sister,' Diya said. 'Excuse me! The last time I said I loved you, you said I was spoiling it! And you were ALWAYS SO FUCKING HAPPY marrying this guy!' 'But I could have been happier with you. I know that. You know that. You didn't even have the balls to talk to my parents once about you and me. They love YOU! And you still couldn't tell them that you loved me,' Shaina argued. 'Yes, I agree again. You don't deserve her, Benoy,' Diya added. 'You know, FUCK BOTH OF YOU! I was the one who was crying day after day after day, and you, Shaina, were the one frolicking around with that bastard! And you blame me for this mess? When have I ever taken a step back from saying that I love you and that you're the best thing that ever happened to me?' I said and banged my fist on the table. 'You never fought for me, Benoy,' Shaina said and looked away. 'Totally,' Diya said, still eating.'You know. GET LOST! Both of you,' I shouted and got up. 'I am fucking leaving. I am not into your games. I love you but you never fought for me! I am with that guy but I have no problems kissing you and then dumping you for no good reason. He's an asshole but I will still be with him. I'm DONE with all this!' I started putting my shoes back on. 'See, you're still running,' Diya pointed out. 'You're always running,' Shaina said. 'Manoj and his family are minutes away from getting here,' Shaina said. 'And if you loved my sister as much as you say you do, you wouldn't be leaving. You would sit here, punch him in the face and kiss Shaina right in front of his family. Instead, you choose to run. You're a coward, Benoy,' Diya said, disgusted. 'FINE! I will just stay here and show that bastard his place. I will beat him up, right here, in front of his parents, and in front of yours. Don't give your community crap then! Don't go telling me that your parents would lose all their respect and their daughter is a slut. I am SERIOUS. I WILL FUCK THE GUY UP!' I growled and clenched my fist. 'We will see,' Diya said and Shaina nodded. They sat on the sofa while I paced around the room, trying to remain angry, reminding myself of everything I had faced because of Manoj. Twenty minutes passed by. 'Where the fuck are they?' I asked angrily. 'Maybe they just knew you would beat them up, and hence decided not to come,' Diya said. 'I think that's a fair assumption,' Shaina said and laughed, and then Diya laughed. 'What the fuck is going on here?' I asked Shaina. She got up from the sofa and walked up to me. She put her arms around me and kissed me on my cheek. 'No one's coming,' she said. 'What do you mean?' I asked, perplexed. 'I broke up with him two weeks ago,' Shaina said. 'The day I met you and cried. I had already broken up with him, but I thought I would go back.But then you called and came over, and I knew if I went back then, it would be the biggest mistake ever.' 'You knew?' I looked at Diya. 'Of course I knew!' she exclaimed. 'So Manoj's chapter is like finished? He's not coming? Like no engagement and all the bull crap?' I asked in disbelief. Shaina kissed me again. 'Nope!' 'Why didn't you guys tell me? I was dying. I was literally dying!' I shouted. 'I wanted to tell you,' Shaina said. 'I wanted to run to you the moment I knew I had to be with you, but Diya wanted you to toil after me! Trust me, it was hard for me to stay away.' I kissed her. 'You're a witch, Diya,' I said. 'You should know that!' 'If it weren't for me, you two wouldn't have met,' she countered. 'You never know,' Shaina said. 'I love you, Shaina,' I professed and turned to her. 'I love you more,' she said and kissed me on my lips. 'That's gross. This is officially the worst day of my life,' Diya said.THE BEGINNING Let the conversation begin... Follow the Penguin Twitter.com@PenguinIndia Keep up-to-date with nce to any actual person, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental. ISBN: 978-0-143-42155-9 This digital edition published in 2 'We still don't have to be friends. Can we get back to the book? A lot is still left,' she said and buried herself in the book. We got back to our books. I was not comfortable sitting with a person who was pissed off with me, but there was nothing that could be done. I was distracted thinking about it, so I logged into Facebook, searched, found her profile and added her. A little later, I dropped in a message.Nice profile picture. Her phone beeped. Oh shit. She read it and kept the phone on the table. No reaction. I forced myself to concentrate on economic and fiscal policies, most of which made little sense. A little later, my phone beeped. It was a Facebook message. Diya Gupta: Thank You. And I don't hate you. I smiled, bent over and asked her, 'Coffee?' 'But I just got here. I think we need to study a little,' she answered, but I pleaded and she agreed. We started talking again, and I kept my fingers crossed that I wouldn't wake up Cruella de Vil again. When she was not shouting or being arrogant, she really had a sweet voice. 'It was sweet of you,' she said. 'As in?' 'What you did for me yesterday. And the apology … It was sweet.' 'You didn't leave me a choice. I had nightmares of you stabbing me in my sleep.' 'I can't say I haven't thought about that,' she said. 'I am glad I didn't do it, though. But you always came across like an asshole. The big cars, that unabashed swagger, not a care in the world, sick attitude and that image of yours. You paid for admission and you buy out professors. It's not fair!' 'Hey,' I said, 'I paid for just two subjects in the first year. The rest of them were my honest attempts to learn on my own.' 'Really?' 'Yes, Eshaan taught me everything. What did you think? I paid for everything? Do I look that dumb?' I asked. We took our seats in the library. 'Well, I will not lie, but you kind of do look stupid in your stupid red shoes and your tight T-shirts.' 'Whatever!' 'But why didn't you just attend classes?' she asked. 'My mother was undergoing treatment for cancer last year so I had to miss a few,' I whispered, as the librarian motioned to us to stop talking. 'Oh, I am sorry. Is she better now?' she asked apologetically.'She is dead,' I said flatly. I have never got used to saying that; it's still as painful. 'I had no idea,' she said suddenly, as she looked at me. I knew the look in her eyes. It said, Oh, his mom died. 'It's okay,' I smiled at her. 'I am sorry. I thought you lied when you said you had family problems.' 'C'mon, there was no way you could have known.' I smiled and asked her to concentrate on the job at hand. I assured her that I was fine, and yet, she kept looking at me from time to time with pitying eyes. It was four in the afternoon when we took the second break. She was still on the thousandth page because much of her time went into helping me out rather than reading the book herself. I had slowed her down. 'I am sorry. You could have completed the book by now if I were not this dumb,' I said. 'C'mon. We are a team. And we are only as strong as our weakest link! And I didn't say you're stupid. I just said you look stupid,' she said. 'Whatever,' I said and sipped at my coffee. We took frequent breaks and we gossiped about professors, our classmates, people we had crushes on (all her crushes were on senior toppers), and she was surprised to hear that I was single. 'Didn't you once date someone from the fashion parade team? During the very early days?' she asked. 'Naah, not really,' I said. 'Just rumours. I had just talked to her once. Did it become news?' 'Kind of.' 'You are kidding me! And then you say I look stupid. All evidence points to the contrary. I think I am gorgeous in my red shoes,' I said. 'You're so gay, Benoy.' 'You're just jealous,' Isaid. 'Yeah, right,' she said. We went back to the drudgery of our books, and we laboured on till it was six and time for Diya to go back home. 'You can't go now! We have so much left to do,' I protested.'Benoy, it will be seven thirty by the time I reach home. I am not allowed outside beyond that,' she said. 'You will be able to do the rest on your own, right?' 'On my own? There are two hundred more pages and you didn't even make notes for it!' 'Benoy, you can! Stop freaking out,' she said sweetly. 'Like I can climb Everest and design the next supercomputer.' 'Shut up,' she said. 'Please? You can come to my place and study!' I begged. 'Thank you for the invitation, but it's not possible. My parents will, like, literally kill me. Like they would actually chop me up and feed me to the dogs.' 'I wouldn't want that,' I said, and added, 'for the dogs' sake. I don't think you'll taste all that good.' 'Fine, then. I will just go and you can finish the rest WITHOUT MY HELP,' she said, faking anger. 'I was kidding, man. I'm sure anyone would love eating you. Okay, let's do one thing. Let me drop you home, and on the way, you can orally explain to me the chapters a little bit and then I will read it on my own.' 'But I am going home with my sister,' she said. 'So?' 'Okay, I will just call and tell her that she should leave on her own.' We picked up our bags and headed towards my car, and she called me a lucky bastard after seeing the car I drove. 'You're so spoilt,' she said. 'I know,' I replied. We hardly studied on the way back. She was too busy poking fun at how rich and spoilt I was, and how poor she was, and kept saying that I should adopt her and the rest of the college. 'Here,' she said, as we stopped outside the decrepit government flats that seemed like they would fall apart any moment; the buildings were stained from the water that seeped through their walls, the paint was wearing off and the walls were scaly; they were a wreck.'This is where you live?' I asked. 'Yes, right there,' she pointed to a balcony with clothes hanging on a clothesline, with a smile on her face. As I saw her smile, I could not remember the last time I had smiled looking at my house after a long day. My house had a fully functional gym and central heating, while hers had leaking pipes and stained walls, and yet, she was smiling and I was alone. 'Thank you for everything today,' I said and got down from the car too after her. 'You are such an awesome teacher.' 'As if I had a choice. You're pretty clingy, Benoy,' she said. 'I have been told that. But hey, just one thing more, the bag you carry has to go! It's ridiculously big, Diya. It looks like you're carrying dead bodies inside.' 'If I had the kind of money you have, I would have slaves carry my bags, bags much bigger than this,' she mocked. 'Yeah, yeah.' She left and I drove back home, smiling. Diya was not the kind of girl I was used to, but behind all the crappy clothes she wore, the hideous spectacles and the dead people's bag, she was pretty in her own special way. I went back home and opened the book immediately so that I could finish it up quickly before falling asleep. I revised what I had studied since morning. I was amazed at how much I could recall. I felt intelligent! I called her. She was busy making the presentation. In the background, I could hear her entire family shouting and creating a ruckus. So, that's how a family feels like, I thought. I couldn't study for much longer, and I logged into my Facebook account. Diya Gupta accepted your friend request. She hadn't uploaded many pictures on to her profile, but she looked nice in the few she had. She would have looked much better if she got rid of her spectacles and brushed her hair once in her lifetime. However, it was not her pictures that kept me occupied for the rest of the night. It was someone else's.I woke up the next day, a little groggy from the previous night, tired, because I had just fallen in love. I was still hugging the laptop for dear life. It wasn't her pictures that kept me up all night, but someone else's. Most of those were not tagged so initially I did not know who she was, but I felt compelled to find out. I started scanning through her friend list. Once. Twice. Thrice. None of the faces matched! Well, there were 687 friends and a lot of them had decided to hide their faces with flowerpots or replace their faces with Japanese schoolgirls with striped stockings. There was no way I could tell who that girl was. Well, the girl in the pictures was beautiful. It seemed like that girl's eyes would pop out of the screen. She was fair and she had such extremely sharp features that could cut through steel, yet soft like a kitten's. Facebook pictures often lied, but it was such a beautiful lie. I wanted to call Diya up and ask her about the girl, but it was not a wise idea! I didn't want her to think I was a creep who spends nights staring at pictures of random girls and tries to establish contact. But, I mean, there has to be some law against looking so perfect. It was only after I read a few comments on one of the pictures, in which the girl had a cute puppy pout, that it struck me who she was. I felt stupid for not having read the comments earlier. Diya Gupta: Well, thank you. After all, she is my sister. <3 Almost immediately, I ran the search 'Gupta' in her friend list. Bingo! Shaina Gupta. Studies BA (Hons) English at Miranda House, Delhi University. Lives in Delhi. Knows English and Hindi. Born on August 12. Her picture was a sketch, but it was a match. It was her. Diya's sister. I had slept with Diya's sister. I had hugged the laptop to sleep! Shaina Gupta. I already had a big Facebook crush on her.C H A P T ER T E N Diya and I spent the next week studying and fine-tuning the presentation, ironing out the chinks and revising the course over and over again. I had not stopped stalking Shaina's profile, her blogs and her sketches (there were many!); if there was any trace of her on the Internet, I got to it and devoured it. Her poems were mostly distressing, in a silver-lining sort of a way—a dying girl meeting God, a hurt puppy getting wings and other weird magical stuff—and her sketches were either of beautiful girls crying or sitting on the edges of cliffs or they were dressed up in finery, holding wine glasses in hand; it was confusing and intriguing, and I couldn't make out if she was a depressed alcoholic or a pretentious prick. Diya and I gave the presentation, and it went beyond our expectations. Well, she was horrible when she started—she sweated, rubbed her palms together, faltered and forgot everything. Diya totally blanked out again and the professor just made it worse by raining down a flurry of questions on her. 'What was in that slide again? 'You have written this here, but earlier you said that …? 'Can you explain this slide?' She had looked at me when she was all lost. I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back at me. I think that gave her confidence because little by little, all her nervousness evaporated, and she kicked some serious ass out there. The professor, surprised and defeated, turned to me and started asking me questions. 'So, Benoy, now you tell me …' Only God could have bettered my performance.The professor accepted that when he announced the grades and said that we had far surpassed his expectations. Fuck him. I was glad it was over. 'Happy?' I asked when I left the class. She had been freaking out all day, like only girls can, as if tension-inducing hormones are girl-specific. 'You have no idea how much, Benoy! I had been so tense. You did so good!' she said and hugged me again. She could not stop smiling. 'Yeah, I have to admit. I was kind of awesome.' 'You're so full of yourself!' 'But you kicked ass, too, Diya,' I said and smiled at her. She was ecstatic. I was happy because she was so happy. It really meant a lot to her. I was glad I had been a part of it. 'We should go out and celebrate,' she said. 'Kamla Nagar?' I asked. 'Only if you're paying,' she said. 'I mean I shouldn't have to tell you this. It's been days since we had food on our table at home. I'm starving. I think I have goitre and beriberi. I am, like, the poster girl for malnutrition.' 'Shut up! You're not THAT poor,' I said. 'You never know,' she said and we laughed. She couldn't stop making fun of the economic chasm between her and me. We went to the closest coffee shop and I couldn't get her to stop talking. She didn't let me pay so we split the bill. 'So you're saying your parents will get you married as soon as you graduate?' I asked. 'But who's going to marry you? Won't people notice the bag you're carrying?' 'He he. Benoy, I know you think you're funny, but you're not,' she mocked. Then added, 'They will not get me married if I, like, get through to London School of Economics on a full scholarship for my master's.' 'LSE? You will go to London? I'm not sure if they would let those spectacles inside their country,' I responded. 'Fine. I just hope I get the scholarship. They just choose two out of thousands of applicants. I wish I could sell a kidney and scrounge up the money,' she said, despondent.'But are you serious about the marriage thing?' I asked. 'Dead serious. You have no idea how conservative my dad is. He would get me off his back like this,' she answered and snapped her fingers. 'It's so unfair. Benoy, I have not dropped out of the top five in any grade. In ANY grade, and I didn't study hard all these years to be a housewife at twenty one. It's just not fair.' I nodded, not knowing what to say. 'Best of luck,' I said. A little later, we left the coffee shop and walked to my car. 'Diya,' I said, as we huddled inside the car. 'There is something I wanted to give you.' 'Me? What?' she asked. 'Aw! Benoy, you didn't have to do this,' she said, as I gave her the bag I had bought for her. 'This is too small for carrying the heads of the little children I kill every day!' 'Can you stop being disgusting for a minute?' I grumbled. 'But I do not need this. You need this. You don't have a bag.' 'I don't have a bag because I don't need one! I don't want my best friend to look like the Hunchback of Notredame with that bag,' I said. 'Don't push it. I am NOT your best friend,' she retorted. Seeing me make a puppy face, she cupped it in her hands and said, 'You're, like, my only friend!' 'That's better!' 'You are sweet, Benoy.' 'Thank you. You aren't bad either,' I said. We smiled and though she was happy, I could not ask about Shaina, something I thought I would. I thought she would pick up the conversation because I had liked every picture in which she was with her sister, but she did not mention anything.C H A P T ER E L E V E N 'Where the hell are you?' Deb asked. 'I was in college. Why?' I said. 'College? Just when I need you, you are in college? Come home, I am outside. And why college, man? Is everything all right?' I wanted to tell him that I enjoyed attending classes with Diya, but I couldn't mouth the words; I couldn't even believe the words. 'Why? What's the problem?' I asked because I had never seen Deb so flustered. 'I need to do something special for Avantika and I thought I would decorate your house and get her here. What say?' 'Deb? Haven't you already done that before, like, a million times?' 'But that's all I can think of. I have done almost everything else. I don't know what else to do, Benoy.' 'But it's not her birthday, right?' 'Will you just stop attending your stupid classes and come home?' he asked. I excused myself and hurried back home; Diya told me she would photocopy the notes for me. 'What's the matter? Why the big surprise?' I asked as I let him in and he sat on the couch, his head in his palms. 'I am tired of the cat-and-mouse game, Benoy. The pursuit and everything have lost their charm and I want to get it over with.' 'Get it over with?' 'Yes, Benoy, get engaged!' he said. 'Do you even have any idea when was the last time I made out?''Umm … a year ago? Is that why you want to get married? That's the stupidest reason ever!' 'Well, not really, but that could have been playing in my subconscious, now that I think. Anyway, I really need her, man. The break-up is killing me now. She used to be everything to me. She was the person whom I could fall back on. Now it just sucks. Don't you wish for someone like that in your life?' 'I already have that someone in my life. More than one.' 'Benoy, I am really not interested in listening about your flings right now,' he said. I was talking about Diya and Eshaan, and I would never make out with either of the two! 'Whatever,' I said. 'Anyway, I will do it with a big diamond ring, and I will get it soon,' he said. 'Umm, okay. I am not sure if it's a good idea,' I murmured. 'What? You think I shouldn't do it?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and wanted me to explain my apprehension. 'Look, Deb, you have cheated on her. Twice. That's not by accident. You're an asshole.' 'So? I won't do it ever again, Benoy. I love her,' he protested. 'And there is no one else I could ever get married to. You know that! I love her too much.' 'It hasn't even been a year since you two have been apart. Give it time, maybe you will get over her. It's not the first time you're breaking up with someone!' 'I don't want to get over her,' he complained. 'I know, Dada, and, well, I like Avantika, but you know you shouldn't get into something like marriage without being sure,' I argued. I was never against relationships, but I had seen Mom in a loveless marriage. 'Benoy, I know why you're saying this, but not every marriage breaks down,' he continued.'I read somewhere, All weddings end in either divorce or death. Nothing good can come out of it, Deb!' I coaxed. 'Plus, if you get married, I will lose a brother. I can't have that! You're the only family I have, man.' 'C'mon, Benoy. I will always have time for you. You just have to call and I will be here.' 'Oh, fuck off. Either you're busy in your business or busy wagging your tail around Avantika. I'm not even sure she likes you any more,' I ranted. 'Of course she likes me!' he scoffed. 'Do whatever you want to do! Why did you even ask me?' I barked. 'Because you're the only one who understands. Dad can't care less, and Mom wants me to marry a Bengali girl,' he reasoned. 'I am on your mom's side,' I said. 'And you're so young, Deb. Like, you're twenty-one!' 'I'm twenty-five,' he countered. 'You look twenty-one!' I exclaimed. 'I just want to know you're with me on this one,' he said. 'Fine, whatever. Don't run after me when she refuses and tells you that she has a boyfriend far better looking than you.' He laughed. With Deb engaged, I would need a girlfriend at least. He left my place after an hour. Nothing I said could change his decision. He was going to do it, much to my disappointment. Once he left, I switched on the laptop. Shaina had posted three new poems on her blog. I couldn't understand one of them. I suspected the leaking boat in the poem was a metaphor for life, but I wasn't sure. The other two poems were just twenty lines long, and I cursed when I finished reading them in a few short minutes; her sentences always had a tinge of tragedy sprinkled in them—honest and beautiful. Like her. And I had not even met her.C H A P T ER T W E LV E Over the last few weeks, there had been two people who had been extremely happy. One was Eshaan. The other one was, well, me! Eshaan saw me in college every day and now he could go a little easy on project 'Help Benoy'. Diya and I were growing close. Diya was fun and bitchy and really mean when she wanted to. The look-at-her-boyfriend type. I had slowly dragged Diya from her traditional sit-on-the-first-bench-and-write-everything approach to listen-to-only-those-professors-who-matter approach. The best part about her was that she smiled and laughed at whatever I used to say. She made me feel that I was the funniest guy in the whole world. It was a great ego boost. I liked spending time with her; she was insanely funny, and she laughed at all my jokes (that was new!). After a long time, I had found someone like that, like a breath of fresh air. 'This is so boring,' I whispered in her ear. 'Shut up,' she said, as she jotted down something that the professor said. 'HEY!' the old professor shouted and looked at us. He warned us to stop talking or he would throw us out of the class. I wished that he would, and the next time he caught us, he did. 'I told you to SHUT UP!' she said angrily. 'I did! It was you who was talking. You asked me to shut up and that's when he caught us.' 'But I had to ask you to! You just keep on talking like you have something important to say but all you say is bullshit,' she said, as she angrily walked towards the parking lot. I was laughing and that was pissing her off.We instinctively went to the coffee shop we used to go to. Her anger fizzled out in a while. We figured we could not remain angry at each other for long. We were back to our usual conversations, and she began to analyse me like a certified psychiatry practitioner, something she loved to do. 'But how can you make out with someone you barely know, Benoy? That's disgusting,' she snapped. I had told her about my friends, all of whom were rich and slept around. My school life was pretty happening. I had a serious girlfriend, but all my other guy friends were good-looking and popular, and they led scandalous and colourful sex lives. In fact, the school basement was out of bounds during our last year in school because our headmistress had caught two of my friends having sex with their girlfriends in the music room in the basement, together. It was a huge scandal! Diya refused to believe I wasn't one of them. They did this to ensure privacy! 'It's their personal choice,' I said. 'It's their lives. Let them do what they want to. It's not as if they are doing it in your bedroom.' 'Don't lie! I am sure you did it too. Serious relationship, my foot! You seem just the kind of guy who would do such a thing,' she accused. 'Why don't you believe me!' I said and refreshed the browser on my phone. Shaina hadn't uploaded anything new. It was very important for me to drive it into Diya's head that I was not as bad as she thought I was, that I was not a flirt, and that I didn't sleep around. It was bad enough that I was stalking her sister on Facebook. Tired of trying to convince her that I was the good guy, I steered the conversation away from me. 'Why do we always talk about my relationships? Why not yours?' 'Mine? Be serious, Benoy. Who would date me? I am every guy's worst nightmare. And plus, my parents would have killed me had they known.' 'Oh c'mon. You haven't dated anybody?' I asked. 'Umm … I have … one. Two, really. It's pretty daring of me to do so. I felt like Lady James Bond, and I had to be all sneaky when I used to meetthem. I don't date now. I don't want to break their trust in me. I was young and foolish.' 'Aha! This is interesting,' I said. 'So tell me everything about the guys!' Her first relationship was in school when she was in tenth standard and they were together for two years. After school, he went off to do his engineering from somewhere outside Delhi. And as it happens, differences crept it. Different schedules, different timetables, new friends and new insecurities. Not to forget, expensive STD calling too! 'Long-distance relationships don't work,' she sighed. 'I know. My ex-girlfriend went to Australia after school,' I said. 'We used to Skype or use video chat on Yahoo! for a few days. But, it didn't work out!' 'We used to Skype, too!' she exclaimed. 'Aha! And do what on Skype?' 'Shut up!' she said and looked away, smiling. It was hard for me to imagine Diya acting naughty on the webcam. It's like imagining kittens having sex. There's nothing sexy about it, and it's totally wrong. The only things I thought she would sleep with would be books, notes and exam answer sheets. If anything, maybe a picture of a professor. Her second relationship was more of a fling, even though she never admitted it. It lasted just a month. The guy was in Hans Raj and thought Diya would be an easy lay. But Diya? An easy lay? Well, whatever. 'So, it was really a fling!' I said. 'I can't believe you fell for the guy. You are too intelligent for that shit.' 'I'm a girl too. And the smartest of girls get their hearts broken by the dumbest of guys,' she snapped. 'Yeah, behind those spectacles, I really can't see anything.' 'Whatever you might say, it wasn't a fling. Now, shut up,' she said. 'So? Who was better in bed?' I asked. 'You cannot ask me that. And I asked you to shut up!' she said. 'I can,' I said. 'You said that day I can talk to you about anything.' 'I meant about you, not about me. And this conversation is over. You can't ask girls that question. This is the reason why you're single, Benoy.''I'm single because I choose to be single. You know I won't let this go. You got to tell me.' 'Okay, fine, it was the second one,' she said. 'The one you had a fling with? You dirty girl! Did you get in a leather dress and whip him too?' 'It was not a fling, Benoy! And leather is too expensive. I'm the rich dad's son after all,' she snapped. 'Okay, whatever. So you had a better time making out with the one you were in love with just for a month,' I said, just to drive it home. I pressured her to tell me more, but I got the feeling she might kill me and stuff my head in that old bag of hers, so I backed off. But? Still? Diya? In bed? 'You look positively shocked, Benoy. You thought there wouldn't be a guy who would want to make out with me?' 'Are you crazy?' I said. 'No! You are very pretty. Any guy would like to make out with you. I don't know how that's a soothing thing to say, but no, you are nice.' 'You don't have to lie now. You think I'm odd, don't you?' 'I like odd,' I corrected. She was not bad looking. Diya was even cute, but I was never attracted to her like that. And when I told her she was cute, she blushed like a schoolgirl. 'But, Benoy, you must have had flings, right? You don't have to lie to I will not judge you.' 'I am not like that. Why do you keep saying so?' I asked. 'Benoy, you are okay looking in spite of your stupid shoes and the big cars. You look like you must be dating many girls at one time. Girls like Palak—they must be falling all over you.' 'Hmm,' I said, not wanting to clarify. I was pissed off even though this was not the first time. Deb, Avantika and now even Diya made me feel that the only reason a girl would ever date me was that I was rich and connected.Diya was the last person whom I wanted to think that. I had been obsessing about her sister. Her poems were becoming darker, and there were more sketches of women and girls crying and staring at the setting sun, which I now knew from her poems was a metaphor for oblivion. The silver linings were getting thinner; I was concerned. So finally, I decided to pick up the conversation. Diya had uploaded a few pictures of herself with Shaina and I had liked them. 'By the way, the new pictures, I like them,' I said. 'Hmm. I saw you liked them. Thank you! You should spend less time on Facebook.' She had missed the point again! How could she miss it again? In all other matters, she was all brainy, but why miss this! It was frustrating. Anyway, we were drinking our coffee, when I was patted on my back. It was Eshaan and his scrawny thin girlfriend, Sonil. I wanted to throw up on her. 'Not in class?' Eshaan said. 'Obviously not,' I said. 'Hi, Diya,' Eshaan said and looked at Diya. And I looked at Sonil and smiled. She was unmoved. Bitch. 'Why don't you join us?' I asked, even though I did not want that scrawny, painfully thin, tall bitch anywhere near me. She was taller than Eshaan and not cute at all. Eshaan deserved someone cuter, someone more like him. Someone like Diya! They were perfect! Eshaan and Sonil sat down and they ordered for themselves. Sonil and I repelled each other like similar poles of a magnet. 'So, why here?' Eshaan asked. 'He got us kicked out,' Diya said. 'Ohh. Eshaan has got kicked out because of him a lot of times too, though it gives us a lot of time to date,' Sonil said. I am sure she meant it as a joke. Ha ha. Nobody found it funny, bitch. Moral victory, yeah! 'So, Sonil, what do you do?' Diya asked her. 'Maths Honours. I plan to take the IAS exam after this.' 'That's great. Lots of money, I have heard,' I said.'It's not the money. It's the respect that matters,' she said and looked at me as if she had been starving for months and I was a juicy burger. 'Yeah, but there is a lot of money too.' 'For your information, it's a government job and no government job pays well.' 'But there are other sources of income!' I said, purely meant to poke fun and nothing else. 'You think every administration person is corrupt? No. It's because of you businessmen who try to buy our honesty, dangling your stolen income in front of us, that we stray,' she grumbled. 'Firstly, I am not a businessman! And everyone knows why people become IAS officers. No one respects IAS officers. They respect the money they have,' I said, and now I wanted to scratch her face open. 'It's narrow-minded people like you who bring the country down. Buying professors, buying government servants.' 'So then ask them not to get sold! If I can buy it, I will. It is up to you whether you get sold or not,' I said and she frowned. 'Whatever,' she responded. 'You're from the filthy breed of rich people who think they can buy anything and anyone.' 'Okay, fine, I am like that. Let's not get into this any further,' I said. 'Yes, let's not,' Eshaan said. All this while, Eshaan and Diya were just watching us bash each other. 'Why not, Eshaan? I do not know how you are friends with someone like him! He only uses you. Attendance, talking to professors, assignments … that's all he needs you for. Can't you see that? Why would he ever be friends with you? Has he ever done anything for you?' 'Umm. He drops me home sometimes,' he stuttered. 'At least I don't try and control him,' I said. 'I do it because it's for his own good. So that he doesn't waste his life on friends who don't give a shit about him. To keep him away from suckers like you,' she bawled. 'I think you should go,' Diya interrupted and looked at Sonil and handed over her bag.'And you, Diya—' 'You should go,' Diya said, 'or it will not be pretty.' 'Fine,' she said, grabbed her bag and Eshaan, and got up. 'But listen, guys like him are parasites and you will know that soon. Humphhf.' She walked off, leaving us in an awkward silence. 'Such a bitch!' Diya said after a while. 'I know,' I said. 'But you were good! Especially with that dialogue—or it will not be pretty! It was awesome. But just curious, what would you have done? Catfight? Eh? Tear each other's clothes off?' I joked. 'I don't know. I just get a little possessive about people close to me,' she said and smiled at me. A little possessive? Little? In those moments of it-will-not-be-pretty, it seemed like she would drive a fork through Sonil's eyes. I thought it would be best to delay the question, 'Hey, is that your sister in your pictures?' 'Anyway, you didn't tell me, did you give that second guy a blow job? Tell me now or I will tell your parents that their daughter goes about giving blow jobs to men!' 'Fuck off.' Eshaan called me later that day to apologize. 'I am very sorry about Sonil today,' he said. 'It's okay, Eshaan. I know she doesn't like me, no big deal. But why don't you dump her! She is such a bitch. Why can't you see that? She treats you like her puppy, man.' 'C'mon, I am lucky that she is dating me,' he said and he was adorable when he did that. 'I am not you, Benoy.' Argh! Not again. 'Any girl would love to have you. You are cute!' 'You think so?' he asked innocently. Eshaan was the perfect guy to date. He looked cute, was sincere, considerate and caring. Just the guy a girl would like to tell her friends about. Or even her mom, for that matter.'Yes, I think so. Why don't you dump her and date someone who really deserves you. Like … umm … say Diya?' I said. 'Diya? I thought you were kind of—' 'NO! We are just friends. C'mon! You know me better than that,' I clarified. He fell silent. Eshaan was like an open book. It was child's play to guess what he was thinking. 'Do you like her?' I asked. 'Not really,' he said. 'She is nice … but no. Maybe. She is cute.' 'Fine, fine,' I said. 'You can figure that out later, but please break up with that girl. And for heavens' sake, do it soon!' He laughed about it, and bitched about Sonil; I hoped Eshaan would realize how wrong Sonil was for him.C H A P T ER T H IRT E E N Deb had not yet found the perfect ring, and he had been everywhere in Delhi to look for it. He had even called his ex-girlfriends and Avantika's friends to help him out with the selection of the ring, but he just could not choose one. That day when my phone rang and I saw Avantika's name flashing, I wondered if Deb had found the ring and proposed. 'Hey,' she said. 'Hi, Avantika! Long time.' 'Yes, how are you? Are you and Palak still … you know?' she asked. 'No! Not at all. Never met her after that day.' 'Aw. Sad for you. Anyway, I wanted to ask you something about Deb. He is behaving a little strangely.' 'As in?' I asked and put the phone on loudspeaker. 'He is a little too happy, Benoy. He doesn't call as often and is always busy. It's been quite a while since he asked me to patch up with him. It's so unlike him.' 'So why are you so worried?' 'I am not worried. I am happy for him. But then … Okay, Benoy, I will ask you something. Please don't lie to me.' 'I won't!' I said. 'Has he found someone?' she asked in all seriousness. Only God knows how hard I tried not to laugh when she said that. 'I don't know and I am not lying.' 'I am so sorry, Benoy, to drag you into this. I am just scared that I might have pushed him away. I should not have made him wait this long. I should have patched up.' 'Chill, Avantika.''But what if he is with someone else? I even saw his messages on a friend's phone. I could not read them but he never texts my friends. Why did he text her?' 'Why are you getting so scared? This is what you wanted, right? You always asked him to look for someone else since you could never see him as your guy again,' I argued. 'I never thought he would go away. I just wanted him to run after me a little more! It's not that he has not tried to make me jealous before, but this time, I feel something is up.' 'You are thinking too much, Avantika.' 'I don't know. Did he tell you something? Anything? He must have talked to you?' Deb, who was sitting with me, had listened to the entire thing on loudspeaker, smiling stupidly like an orang-utan. I felt happy for him. I assured Avantika that she had nothing to worry about and she disconnected the call. 'Benoy, don't you think marrying her right now would be a little too drastic? We can wait, right? As you said, I'm still young!' Deb said and smiled. 'You're such an asshole, Deb,' I barked. 'Chill, I'm not going to stop looking for a ring. But it's good to know that she won't reject me when I go down on one knee,' he responded. 'So happy for you, man,' I said and hugged him, and felt sorry for myself. He was convinced about the big steps he wanted to take in his life, and I couldn't even ask Diya about her sister.C H A P T ER F O U RT E E N I was at Dad's office signing papers that day. Luckily he was busy in a meeting so he could not come out to see me. I signed the papers quickly and left the office. I smiled at the few girls that worked there. It was not that bad a place. I could have worked there for my internship. Anyway, I walked to the underground parking space and towards my car, my eyes darting to spot the car Dad used to drive. The beautiful silver-grey Bentley. I looked at it and wondered if there was anything that a man could want more. I walked past it, trying not to drool, headed to where my car was parked and beeped it open. I put the key into ignition and reversed the car out of its parking space, but the car stuttered, jerked a little and came to a rude stop. I shut the engine down and tried again. Kharrr … Khaarhh … Khaarhhh. The car stuttered for a while and came to a stop. I gave it a few more tries, pushing the pedal all the way down, but the car died on me again. And then, there was smoke rising from inside the hood of the car. Darn. Frantically, I stepped out from the car and stood at a distance, just in case it decided to blow up; it happens all the time in the movies. I waited for the smoke to settle down. I stood there watching the smoke settle, and then tried to call a cab, but the network was terrible. 'Is there a problem, Benoy?' a voice called out. I wondered if it was Jack the Ripper, but it was my father. 'It died,' I said and pointed to the car. It was still spewing out fumes. Diya would jump and dance and laugh if she were to see the car bathed in white smoke; she had been trying to makeme use public transport instead. She was appalled to see how much I spent on fuel alone. 'The network doesn't work here in the basement,' he said. 'You want me to drop you somewhere?' I considered it for a few brief seconds, and then thought, What the heck; at least I would get to sit inside the shiny Bentley. I felt like a cheap pervert as I looked at the car, wanting to take it out, get it drunk on diesel, drive her around town, to take its top off and stare at the bare V8 engine. I lusted after I nodded my head and he tossed the keys towards me and said, 'You can drive.' My hands trembled, my lips quivered, I sweated and blood rushed to every part of my body; it was an orgasm. 'Great car,' I said even though describing it as just 'great' was an insult. It's like calling Lana Del Rey just another girl; it's like calling the Beatles a boy band. 'Your mother used to love this car a lot, too,' he said, almost mumbled. 'I used to be scared when she used to drive this.' 'What? Drive?' 'Yes. She never told you that she drove this car?' 'No, she didn't. All I knew was she didn't want me to have this car.' I knew they met now and then, but I did not know that Mom drove his car. All I knew was that she hated him! 'She loved this car. I actually bought one for you but she didn't let me give it to you,' he explained. 'I know about that. I don't know why she would keep me away from something this awesome?' I said as I pushed on the gas, making the beast roar. 'She didn't want you to be anything like me. Or do anything the way I do it.' 'How does owning the same car make me like you?' 'That's exactly what I told her. But she just didn't listen,' he said.I found it hard to put all this together. Like him and my mother talking about the kind of car I should get. I always thought that my hatred for him was a continuation of my mom's hatred for him. 'This is so much better than the Audi,' I said. 'You can keep it.' 'It's hard to say no to such a car,' I said. I felt like such a sell-out, a disgrace. It felt like betraying Mom, but it was she who was talking to him, not me. 'Then don't. Just keep it. Anyway, it takes up way too much space in my garage,' he said, like a salesperson, only that he was buying me; I felt worse. 'Thank you.' I sold. I could almost see Mom shaking her head, pointing a finger at me and saying, 'You're greedy.' We reached Barakhamba Road where he said he would get down. 'Thank you for the lift,' I said. 'Thank you for the lift, Benoy. It's your car now,' he said and smiled. 'Thank you for the car.' This was the longest conversation I had ever had with my dad. Until I was seventeen, I had barely heard him talk, and I assumed, like all steel traders, he would sound like a rustic, uneducated businessperson. I had no idea that over the years he had made up for his lack of education and how! What I really hated about him was his British accent! I mean, how could he be cooler than me? That is never how a father–son equation works! It was hard growing up without a father. But it was even harder to stay angry when you miss having a family, a family that could possibly have a cool dad. I drove around in the new car for about an hour, testing its limits in the open wide roads, and then came back home. I parked the car outside my house and, out of habit, I pulled open the glove compartment for the house keys. A package fell out. I emptied the glove compartment, collected the spare keys from the neighbours and headed home. I checked the boot space forstuff that my father may have forgotten there, but there was nothing. I dumped everything on the living room table and flopped on the couch, still fantasizing about the car. I called up my father's personal assistant to come and collect the stuff but no one picked up the phone. I dropped in a message. I called up Diya to tell her about the new car. 'Hey!' 'You sound happy?' she said. 'What happened? Did your father buy you Russia or something?' 'You should meet me! Like right now? Can you do that?' 'I don't know. I will have to ask Mom. I will call you back if she decides to let me live.' 'Fine, do that and call me. ASAP.' Diya had always had trouble getting permission to go out of the house. Her parents were a nightmare. No guys. No late evenings. No night-outs. I waited for her call; intermittently I would look out of the window and admire the car in the parking space. I could not wait to show it to Diya, Deb or whomever I could have got hold of. I called her again, but she cut my calls. Then, just out of boredom, I started sifting through the stuff I had got out from the car's glove compartment. I picked up the package, which was deliciously sealed, pasted and taped. And until this day, I wonder how my life would have been had I not opened that envelope.C H A P T ER F I F T E E N There are times in life when a few seconds change everything. Either you are irreversibly fucked, or you hit a jackpot, but regardless, nothing remains the same. I had that moment then when I opened that envelope; everything changed. It was indescribable what I felt because I felt happy and sad and beautiful and cheated; I felt like crying, but I also felt like laughing. I held the envelope and tried not to cry, a million questions in my head. I did not know what to feel. I felt lied to. Cheated on. But I felt happy. I lay there speechless, on the couch, with the phone in my hand, and there was just one question I wanted to ask! Why? I called Diya again and explained to her what I had found. 'So what exactly are you saying?' Diya said, as I told her what I had seen. 'Hmm. You didn't get it? These are letters. Pictures. Even tickets to Sikkim. There was a micro SD card with pictures of them.at made her walk away.
I tried to figure out, but nothing she would say,For my questions pestered her, my tears made her embarrassed.
I never wanted to be a priority, but a little love was all I expected.
I still kept giving, giving, day in and out.
But all went in vain, when all she beheld were doubts.
Doubts of an uncertain tomorrow, so she told me, 'I have to go.'
My dreams, my wishes, my love were shattered in a single blow.
I stood by the balcony, looking into the thin air.
I clung on to her picture, crying silently so that no one saw.
All I begged of my fate, was a sight of her.
Occupied with things important, she had moved on well in life.
It was never tough for her, for I was another man by her side.
She thought I must be over her by then; least was she aware that I died each
day.
I moved out, I had forgotten how it felt being loved.
I sought a place to pour my heart out, I looked below and above.
When saw no place to confine, saw no place to cry my heart out,
I kept walking towards a dead end, against the fate I had enough fought.
I reached the valley, stood there high, saw down the abyss and looked
behind.
When saw no one who would call me back, I let my body be taken down by
the wind.
They located my body amidst the woods, with a note in my hand clutched
tight.
And a picture of her in my hand.
It read, 'I will love you till I die,
don't let her know of my death,
She might live life in guilt.
Just tell her I went to a place afar,
And though I loved her still.'
I stood there while they laid my corpse; a kid asked me who he wasI told him 'a part of me'.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
S E V E N
My internship had started and it had been two days since I had been going
to the office. Since I literally owned the place, I really had nothing to do,
and I remembered the time Diya had asked me to take the internship
seriously, but I had no motivation to do so now. My days were a gigantic
mess, cluttered with thoughts and memories of Shaina and Diya, all of them
painful.
I sat in my seat and could not decide whether to call up Dad or Shaina,
and while Shaina, I knew, would not ever pick up my call, Dad would be
dying to receive my call. I called up Dad. It felt somewhat stupid to explain
what had happened.
'Hello?' I said.
'Hi, Benoy, everything going fine in office?'
'Yes, yes. I needed to talk to you about something else.'
'Tell me.'
'I was wondering if I could come to your office.'
He said he would be in my office in another two hours or so. As I leaned
back into my chair, I wondered how the conversation would go.
'I know we haven't talked in the last two decades, but I really love this
girl and it's all screwed up and I want you to straighten this out.'
Or,
'The girl I really like is kind of getting engaged, so can you please talk to
her parents and ask her to cancel it because I am in love with her. The girl?
Yeah, she's not sure about me. I think she doesn't think I'm worth ending her
two-year-long relationship or fighting with her parents.'
There was a knock on the door. It had not even been an hour and I saw
Dad standing outside looking like a high-profile lawyer from a sitcom in hissharply cut suit and shiny black shoes. Not a sidekick, but the main guy. I
was proud of him. The anger I had for him had slowly melted away after I
had seen the contents of the envelope, and though I hadn't talked to him
about it, I was sure he knew I had forgiven him.
'Hey,' he said and pulled up a chair. 'How do you find your new office?'
'It's a little more than I deserve,' I said.
'So? What did you want to talk to me about?' he asked.
'Umm. There is this girl …'
'Shaina?'
'How do you know?' I asked. 'Oh right. You know everything about me.
What else do you know? Did you tap my phones? Did you tap hers?'
'Should I have tapped hers?' he asked, leaning forward, a twinkle in his
eyes, like he was about to snap his fingers and it would be done, no
questions asked. God! He was cool.
'No, it's fine,' I said.
Then I started speaking, and he hung on to every word as I narrated the
entire story. Dad nodded his head from time to time and asked questions
about Shaina and Diya, almost like making a timeline of events in his head.
'So? You want me to talk to their parents? I can do that,' he said. 'She
doesn't have to get engaged right now. It's too early for her.'
'But what would you say?' I asked.
'I will say whatever you want me to say,' he answered.
'I will let you know,' I murmured. 'All of this is so confusing. I don't
even know if Shaina wants me.'
'Of course she wants you. Who wouldn't want my son? Look at you.
You're handsome and intelligent. I don't think she can do better than you. It
will be okay,' he assured me.
I smiled at him. He talked to me about work and office and told me that I
could take as much time as I wanted to settle down.
'I have a really boring meeting with the lawyers. Can I see you later?' he
asked.
'Yeah, sure. I will be right here, doing nothing,' I said.'Cheer up, Benoy. It will be okay. She will come running after you!' he
said and winked. He left for the meeting.
Later that evening, I lost it and broke down. The hurt was almost physical
and I didn't know what I had to do to make it all go away. My head hurt,
and I felt like dying, like, literally dying. I thought of drinking myself to
sleep but it would come back the next day. This loss was permanent; it was
never going away. I panicked. Thinking of Manoj and Shaina made me
want to kill somebody.
I called up Dad and asked him if he could call Shaina's father and do
something about the situation.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
E I G H T
I waited for Dad to call me back. It had been an hour since I had texted him
the number. The doorbell rang. It was Dad standing outside, his shoulders
drooping, his eyes overflowing with despair, and I knew he had nothing but
bad news.
Dad told me that Shaina had known Manoj for five years, and they had
been in a relationship for two years. Shaina had told him that they were in
love, and both their families were happy with the decision they had made.
She had added that she never loved me, and wanted me to stay away from
her.
Her parents asked Dad and his disgraceful son, me, to never call anyone
in their family again; they even threatened to file a police complaint against
my dad and me. They told him how uncultured I was. They told him that I
had not been brought up well because I had grown up in a broken family.
They called Dad names and told him that he had been a bad father and a
damaging influence on me. They called him vile and uncouth. I felt sorry
for Dad; he didn't need to bear the assault for my mistakes.
'I'm sorry, Dad,' I said. 'I didn't know they would say so much.'
'You want me to stay. We can drink it away if you want to.'
I felt good about him being the kind of cool dad that everyone wants, but
I knew even drinking wouldn't solve this.
'I will be fine. But thank you so much, Dad.'
'I am sorry I couldn't make a difference.'
'You did what you could do,' I said.
We talked for twenty more minutes. I asked a few more questions and the
more I got to know, the more my heart broke. He left, even though he really
wanted to stay. But I wanted some time alone.What was she thinking? One last fling? The questions kept haunting me
all night and in a fit of anger and depression, I called up Shaina, but her
phone was still switched off.
Frustrated, I called up Diya. It was probably the fifteenth call that she
answered and by this time, I was on the verge of breaking down again.
'Diya,' I said, crying. Almost howling.
'Benoy?' she said. 'Are you okay?'
'Umm …'
'Are you okay, Benoy?'
'Should I be okay?'
'But?'
I disconnected the line.
She called back almost immediately. I disconnected the line once again. I
needed someone to talk to, not someone I would have to explain everything
But she kept calling over and over again.
'Benoy, can we talk, please?'
'There is nothing to talk about. You got what you wanted. You wanted
me to stay away from her, and see, I am nowhere near her! She doesn't even
want me near here!'
'Benoy, I really had no idea about how you felt for her.'
'You DIDN'T? Didn't I tell you that day like a million times over that I
love her? Didn't I? Didn't I send you over a hundred texts saying the same
thing?'
'But—'
'What but?'
'I wasn't sure! You can't blame me for it. Both of you didn't tell me
ANYTHING! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, BENOY!' she
shouted.
'You know, just fuck off. You and your sister, both of you. I don't need
you guys! Just GO AWAY!' I said and disconnected the line.
She called again and I disconnected the line. She was not helping. I could
have done without her. But her incessant calling made me pick up the phone
again. It was irritating.'Benoy, I am sorry. At least FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. I didn't know
what to do with you guys. Both of you were lying to me! BOTH OF YOU!
And how was I to know what you felt for my sister was genuine?'
'Well, now you know.'
I cut the line and lay back on the couch with both my hands on my head.
I just wanted to ask Shaina if she was so sure about Manoj, why did she
encourage me and let me fall in love with her? As I flicked through the
pictures of Shaina and me—the two of us smiling—I knew it was real, that
both of us felt it and it wasn't just in my head. I knew I was more than a
friend.
I was not ready to accept that the best days of my life were a lie. I loved
her. And I would keep doing so. For me, it was real, and it would always be.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
N I N E
It was just a crush, get over it!
I lost count of how many times I said this to myself and forcefully
smiled. I hoped the next moment would be better, but it just remained the
same. I did not want to talk to anyone. Not Diya, not Shaina and not anyone
else. I tried hard to be normal. There were days when I totally locked
myself in, spent hours crying, but I knew that it was not a solution, so I tried
to be normal with everyone. Deb and Avantika had been going through the
best phase in their lives. They were engaged now, their families knew and
they didn't have to sneak around to be together.
On the other hand, Shaina had called me a rich, irresponsible brat, who
was obsessive, had nothing to do and needed to be reined in.
It was eight in the evening and everyone in the office had left when Dad
walked into my office.
'Are you still working?' he asked as he came in.
'Umm … yes,' I said.
Over the last few days, I had realized the only way I could keep that
beautiful fucking face out of my mind was by staying in office. I would call
her sometimes, from the office lines which were one-way calling, so I could
call her, hear her say 'Hello' over and over again and keep the phone down.
'Is something wrong?' he asked.
'No, what could be wrong?'
'Benoy, it really doesn't have to end like this,' he said. 'I'm not good
with women or relationships, but I think she was pressurized to say what
she did.'
'Dad, I called her up so many times since that day but she told me to stay
away. She doesn't even reply to my texts. She has even changed her numbertwice,' I said.
'Benoy, you can't just expect her to end her two-year-long relationship
with a guy just because she spent three weeks with you. I now know the
kind of community she belongs to. It wouldn't take seconds for people to
know that she dated somebody and then broke the engagement. It's a little
too much to ask for,' he explained. 'Having said that, I don't think she
deserves what's happening to her.'
'I hate her family,' I said.
'Not more than me, son. So, not leaving office any time soon?' he asked.
'In just a little while.'
He left and I put my head down on the table. I thought the days would get
easier as they passed. I hoped I would start hating Shaina for what she had
said about me, and I really thought I would get over it, but it was far from it
and I hated it. I leaned back on the chair and looked at the ceiling. I could
see her, smiling at me, laughing at me for being such a fool to think that a
girl like her would ever love me.
Then there was a knock on the door. It was Deb, and Avantika followed
closely behind.
'Hey,' Deb said, 'what's up, man?'
'What the fuck are you doing here?' I asked. 'Dad asked you to come
over, didn't he? I am fine, guys. You didn't have to come.'
'Oh, fuck off, Benoy,' Deb barked. 'No one cares about you. We need to
use your house.'
'Is it?' I asked, sceptical.
'We actually had to go out, but then the club has no reservations available
today, and we don't want to waste the night,' Avantika explained.
'Let me talk to Dad. He will get you in some club, I am sure!'
'Don't do that! It will look so bad on us. I really don't want that,'
Avantika pleaded and made a cute face.
Pretty girls always win arguments. We sat in my car and we left for my
place. I tried to be normal; I laughed with them and tried to be as funny as I
could because I did not want anyone to worry too much about me; it wasn'tworth it. They asked if things were fine and I nodded. Things were indeed
fine; it just felt a little incomplete, like I had been robbed of something.
'Oye, Benoy. A friend of Avantika is coming over, too,' he said. 'You
wouldn't mind, right?'
'Oh please! Don't tell me you are setting me up with somebody. I really
don't need this right now.'
'We are not trying to set you up,' Deb said.
'Fuck off,' I barked.
Avantika continued, 'We just told her that you've been single for long
and you are extremely nice. And then, she wanted to meet you! Honest. She
saw you on Facebook. It's not really our fault.'
'But why, Avantika? I am all right! You don't need to do all this.'
'Oh, c'mon. Don't be such a prick. Give her a chance at least,' she said.
'Maybe you will like her!'
'You didn't have to do this. I am sorry, but I think she will be very bored
today. She will have the worst day of her life today and she will hate the
two of you for it,' I said.
'Ohh, c'mon! Two drinks down your throat and you will tie her to your
bed!' Avantika said. 'We all know you well.'
'Maybe not,' I said.
We reached my place and waited for her to turn up. Avantika got busy in
arranging the house, putting things where they should have been, while Deb
and I got ourselves a couple of beers.
'So, it was your idea? Why don't you get it, man? I don't even know
what I will say to this girl. This is so screwed up,' I ranted.
'I swear it was Avantika's idea. She still thinks that you will get over it.
And this was another one of your flings.'
'And you know it's not?'
'I don't know what it was, but it was certainly not a fling for you. Girls as
pretty and smart as her … you don't ever find them again,' he said in
hushed tones. I was glad he understood.
Soon the bell rang and Avantika went to get it; I was already bored and
Deb asked me to stop rolling my eyes. A girl dressed in hideous looseclothes and a pair of spectacles straight out of hell walked in.
'Hi, Benoy,' she said.
'Diya? What on earth are you doing here?' I asked, shocked.
'I came to see you,' she said.
'Ummm … I should be so angry right now,' I said. 'Ideally I should kill
you.'
'Oh bullshit. I know you can never be pissed at me for long,' she
quipped. We hugged each other. 'I missed you, Benoy.'
'I missed you more,' I said, 'even though you're one of the evil sisters
who totally wrecked my life.'
'At least I am the pretty one!' she said.
We laughed and then we cried.
'I didn't think I would miss you so much!' she said.
'I missed you more!' I said. 'Trust me. I hated you more than I missed
you, but I did miss you a lot.'
We all had a little laugh. The pizza Avantika had ordered suddenly tasted
better.
'So,' Avantika asked Diya, 'Benoy isn't all that bad, is he?'
'Now, don't embarrass me. I really didn't mean any harm. She is my
sister after all. Moreover, I didn't think he was bad. I just thought he was
not right for my sister.'
'We don't blame you,' Deb said. 'But what's with your sister? No
offence though! I really don't buy that Benoy stalked her.'
'I am sure she has a reason for whatever she said that day,' I said.
'Oho?' Avantika butted in. 'After all this, still defending her, Benoy?
You're so gone, man.'
'I don't mind being in love with her, Avantika.'
'I am sorry, Benoy,' Diya said again.
'It's okay, Diya. I screwed up. There's nothing you could have done.'
'Benoy?' Deb asked me. 'Don't you want to at least ask what was going
through Shaina's head? What was she thinking?'
'I don't want to complicate her life. And really, she never explicitly said
that she loved me, so it's fine. I am sure her guy is nice and she will behappy with him. I think he's ugly as shit, but then it's okay. I also wish he
gets run over by a truck.'
'Or gets stuck inside heavy machinery and gets torn apart!' Deb said,
excitedly.
'Or drowns!' Avantika added. 'I am sure your dad can manage this.'
'I'm sure he can,' Diya said. 'I just heard he bought half of the United
States and a third of Great Britain. Is that right?'
'Ha ha, very funny,' I retorted. 'But is she happy with Manoj?' I had not
seen her update her blog or upload pictures of her sketches; I wondered if
her parents had let the steam off her a little bit.
'Benoy, the only reason why Manoj told his parents was because Shaina
told him about you. He was just jealous and furious and he felt cheated,'
Diya said.
'But Shaina agreed to the engagement, right?' I asked.
'She should have been happy that her boyfriend of two years finally told
her parents, but all she has done is cry,' Diya explained.
'It's okay for him to be possessive. Maybe he panicked. But I am sure
she loves him,' I said.
Deb interrupted and said, 'I am sure it was Manoj who had put the words
into Shaina's mouth. That bastard.'
'That could be true. I know my sister and she is not like that. She cannot
be this rude,' she said. 'And, Benoy, even if Shaina loves you, she won't
tell you; she can't. My parents are already not talking to her. Can you even
imagine what would happen?'
'So what now? We just sit here and do nothing?' Avantika asked.
'Yes, that's what we are going to do. Nothing is going to come out of this
discussion. This is stupid,' I said. 'Don't give me hope because there isn't
any.'
'Benoy,' Diya said, 'the only reason why I came here was because I had
started believing in you. And I really think that if there is anybody who
should be with her, it's you. Don't let me down now.'
'That's sweet of you, but I don't know what she feels for me, Diya. For
all you know, she hates me now,' I said.'We will see,' she said and smiled at me.
I had reasons to get drunk that night.
Diya was confident that there was some place in Shaina's heart for me.
That was reason enough for me to be happy. I had to make a physical effort
to stop myself from dreaming and thinking about the day when Shaina and I
would be together again. I felt extremely cheesy, when I automatically
replaced the imaginary guy (Manoj!) in the engagement, and I could see
Shaina and me exchanging rings and smiling at each other, kissing each
other. The daydream sequence kicked all my other daydreams' asses pretty
bad!
I talked a lot about Shaina that night; the play of her name, Shaina, on
my lips felt like heaven.C H A P T ER T H IRT Y
There was good news in the air and a spring in my step. There was
something to cheer about. Though Shaina was still ridiculously
unattainable, I felt good, thinking that her own sister and my best friend had
faith in me. I went to the office that day thinking about her, as I always did,
but I wasn't depressed any more.
I had been avoiding Eshaan's calls for quite some time now. I called him
'Hi, what's up? They didn't make you the CFO yet?' I asked Eshaan.
'They are still deciding on it,' he answered. 'How are you, Benoy? You
don't answer your phone any more, Benoy?'
'Things weren't so good for the last few days.'
'Diya told me about your problems with Shaina. It will be okay. If you
need anything, just give me a call.'
'Fingers crossed! And tell me, how's office? How's the crowd?' I asked.
'We are the youngest here, Benoy,' he said.
'Haven't you started hitting on Diya yet? You have a shot with her,
Eshaan,' I said.
'I don't know! I have heard what her parents are like and I don't want to
get into that. And I don't think she even likes me.'
'Have you tried telling her that you like her?'
'I don't like her!' he said. 'She is cute. But there is nothing of that sort
between us, Benoy.'
'But you two are so similar! You can spend years talking about important
economic stuff. That's so your thing. There is no reason why you shouldn't
be together,' I suggested. 'You two are made for each other. Don't ruin it!'We talked for another twenty-odd minutes and he returned to his work,
and I kept thinking about how desperately I wanted the two of them to be
together. They were so meant to be.
Diya and I had been planning this for long now.
In the past few days, Diya had often mentioned me in her conversations
with Shaina to elicit reactions, but Shaina asked Diya not to talk about me
any more.
I waited in that coffee shop for Shaina to turn up. It was supposed to be a
sister's day out. That is what at least Diya told Shaina. It had been forty
minutes since I had been waiting and looking in the mirror every five
seconds to check whether I looked all right. My heart was beating as if tiny
earthquak