'Hmm.'
es were hitting it periodically.
She walked in, and she looked as gorgeous as she always did. She started
looking for her sister, and instead found me.
'Hey,' I said; almost immediately, her expression changed to one of
horror and surprise. She did not look pleased at all; my heart sank.
'Benoy? What—'
'Can we talk? Before you say anything?'
Before I could even get up, she stormed off, banging the door as she left.
I followed her outside the coffee shop; she was waving at autorickshaws.
'What? Benoy, I don't want to talk to you. Is that too hard to
understand?'
'Yes, it is and this is driving me crazy. All I want from you is the answers
to a few questions and I will not bother you ever again!'
'Are you sure?' she said. 'Because once I sort this out with you, I don't
want to have anything to do with you. Are we clear about this?'
She was cold and heartless, and broke my heart into further smaller
pieces with every word she said.
'Can we just go inside?' I begged her.
We didn't order anything. The waiter hovered near us and Shaina swatted
him away.
'Why?' I asked her.'I am not the person you want to be with. Please just forget it like any
other fling of yours. It was a mistake, Benoy, and you know that.'
'It wasn't a mistake. I had never been surer about anything. And I didn't
even know about Manoj. You didn't think it was important for me to
know?'
'I didn't want to. And it was a mistake telling you anything. I did not
want this. He forgave me once; he will not do that again. I really need to
go.' Her voice was calm, frosty.
'What if this is meant to be and not what you have with Manoj?'
'You hardly know me, Benoy. Manoj and I have known each other for
five years now. We are in love. He is right for me. Moreover, my parents are
ind
asked if I should go in. She nodded, held my hand and we went in.
Wrapped in bandages and tucked inside a white blanket, Diya looked
tired, her face was swollen and there were needles sticking into her skin.
She looked drowsy. The monitors beeped. She could hardly react when she
saw us. Shaina kissed her on the cheek. Diya smiled and she looked at me.
We sat on both sides of her bed and smiled at her. I hoped she would feel
better with us around. We didn't say anything.
'It would have been better had I died,' she said.
'Don't say that,' Shaina said.
'I am a cripple. I will always be that way. I should have died.'
Tears streamed down both their cheeks.
'You will always be our Diya. You are bigger than this. And we want you
around. Ever thought what we would be without you?' Shaina asked.
'I just want to die.'
She did not stop crying, just looked at Shaina and me with tears in her
eyes. Her eyes begged us to take her out of the pain of living the rest of her
life confined to a wheelchair. It just sucked.
'You will be fine,' Shaina said.Diya started to doze off. We settled her head on the pillow and left the
room. Shaina was in tears again. We walked wordlessly towards the
pharmacy to get ourselves a water bottle. Shaina started sobbing loudly and
clutched me. She staggered and her legs gave way. I thought she would
faint. I helped her up. We stood in the middle of the hallway and she kept
crying. Her howls were loud. She bit me a few times, and dug her nails into
me as she tried not to shout.
I don't know how much time passed. She just kept on crying. Every few
minutes she used to lose her ground and fall over me. A little while later, we
sat on a bench and she kept crying and hugging me. She kept repeating the
same thing—that she loved her and how she wished it had happened to her
and not Diya. I just hugged her and told her that things would be fine. I
wished I could make it better for her.
'You know what?' She looked at me. 'I used to be so jealous of her. That
she was so smart. And ambitious. I always used to feel bad about it and then
taunt her on her clothes and her spectacles.'
'Hmm.'
'I never used to mean it. Never. She was always the most beautiful sister
anyone could ever have,' she said and broke down again. As she cried,
between her sobs, she kept telling me how much she loved her.
She drifted off to sleep and when she woke up, she realized that she was
sleeping on my shoulder. She stood up with a start and smiled at me
sheepishly. There were still tear marks on her cheeks. Her kajal was
completely rubbed off and her naked eyes still looked as beautiful. From the
corner of my eye, I saw Manoj and his older brother sitting on another
bench. Shaina noticed it too. She looked at me.
'He is here,' she said.
'Yes, it's okay. Go.' I smiled.
As she started to leave, she said, 'Thank you, Benoy. I needed this. I
needed to cry.'
'It's the least I can do. I'm sorry,' I said. 'Had she … not come to meet
me—''Shut up, Benoy. Never think of that. Never,' she said and touched my
arm.
Then she walked away. She sounded genuine. Maybe it was just Manoj
who blamed me. Manoj hugged her again and looked at me. Probably to
send me a message—Shaina is mine.
I was sitting on the bench, fiddling with my phone when for the first time
in those days, Mrs Gupta came up to me. She was an elegant woman, but
the last few days had been hard on her. She was in a terrible state and hardly
looked like the two sisters had described her to me. She was sweet.
'Beta.'
'Arre, Aunty. Sit.'
She sat down next to me and said, 'Beta, you should go home now.'
'No, Aunty, it's okay. I can be a little help around here.'
'You have already done a lot, beta. You need some rest,' she said and ran
her fingers through my hair. It reminded me of my mom.
'Aunty, you need rest. I am young and can handle this.'
She did not say anything for a while. I could see that she was trying too
hard not to cry.
'Beta? Will you forgive us for that day? I cannot say anything to
bhaisahib. I am too ashamed.'
'Not your fault, Aunty. Shaina must have felt that.'
'I don't know, beta. But you're a nice boy,' she said and got up. I could
sense she was about to cry again. Her eyes were starting to tear up.
It was mid-afternoon when a doctor, who had flown in from Mumbai at
my father's request, called Shaina, her parents and Dad to the chambers. As
they moved in, Mrs Gupta looked at me and asked me to join too. I looked
around and followed them. I could see Manoj standing in the corner,
fidgeting in his place. He was furious at being left out.
'What is the news, doctor?' Dad asked the doctor as he looked through
reports and results from various tests.
'Umm. The good news is that she doesn't suffer from paraplegia. Given
the type of accident, she is very lucky.'All of us looked at him with wide eyes, because we did not know what
paraplegia meant.
'In paraplegia the patient loses all sensation in his or her legs, often up to
the chest area … so that is not the case.'
He continued, 'See, when there is an injury to the spinal cord, it is
usually incurable. What is done in the first thirty minutes of the trauma is
what decides the fate of the patient. In this case, satisfactory care had been
taken so she was saved from paraplegia. But since the injury was still
significant, there was sufficient damage to the spinal area. So right now she
suffers from partial paralysis.'
'Partial paralysis?' I asked.
'It is usually to one side of the body, but Diya has been lucky that her
loss in movement is limited to her left leg. Though there is some loss on the
right side too, but with the right treatment it will be okay. Even her left arm
is fine only that she might have some trouble coordinating with that hand.
With the right therapies she might get cured.'
'Might?' Diya's father asked.
'Sir, since the spinal cord cells don't have the ability to regenerate or
repair, often such damage is permanent.'
'So you mean there is a chance she may never walk again?' Mr Gupta
said.
'There is always the worst-case scenario. But, there is a very strong
chance that she can improve and with the right therapies she should be able
to do most of the things that a normal person can do,' he said.
Most things that a normal person can do.
People around me broke down into tears, hugged each other and talked
about gods and godfathers they could go to in order to get her cured. I was a
little relieved though. Earlier we had been told that she would never be able
to walk again or even do the very basic things. That she would be trapped in
a wheelchair. But to hear that she would be able to walk, even if with a
crutch, gave me huge strength. Moreover, he said that with the right
therapies she might be almost fully cured too. She might even walk like she
used to.The aunties and her mother kept asking the doctors questions about the
therapies and how long it would take her to walk again. The doctor gave
vague answers to every question of theirs and I did not blame him for that.
The meeting went on for over an hour after which everyone was just sadder.
Everyone was waiting for a miracle. I was happy with whatever we got.
Dad, Diya's father and I hung back and asked if he knew some hospital
that she could be shifted to for the requisite therapy. He advised us to stay
put at this hospital for the next week or so. He said that once the initial
recovery was complete, she could be shifted to Escorts. Dad asked if she
could be flown outside the country … anywhere, that might increase her
chances of being cured. The doctor shook his head. Dad reiterated that
money was not an issue. The doctor still advised against it.
Finally, after a lot of probing, he suggested two doctors in California who
were partial-paralysis recovery experts. He asked Dad to talk to them and
see if he could get them to fly down to Delhi or fly Diya out after she got a
little better.
'Bhaisahib,' Dad said to her father, 'don't worry, I will get the two of
them to India. We will get Diya to walk again.'
'But—'
'Don't worry about the money. She is our daughter too. Just pray that our
beti walks again.'
I knew Dad had money. And I knew Diya's treatment would hardly dent
his income. But spending hours in the hospital, spending entire days talking
to doctors … it was a different thing altogether. These were the same people
who had called him a bad father.
Later that day, Diya had woken up and all the aunties had gone in to see
her. I wondered what happened inside. Also, Eshaan came to the hospital.
He had gone to Vaishno Devi for five days and his phone was not working.
I told him all that had happened in the last few days. He was distraught and
shocked. Finally, after everyone had had his or her share of time with Diya,
Eshaan and I got in. Every one of us had been instructed not to cry or say
anything negative in front of her.'I heard your dad is doing a lot,' Diya said as she looked at me. 'I heard
doctors are coming in from California. Your dad is bringing them?'
'Umm.'
'Nothing will help,' she said.
She moved her left hand, and it just moved haphazardly; the tubes and
the needles strained as she moved her hand around.
'I can't live with this.'
'Diya, the doctors are positive about your recovery. You should be too.
Your arm will be perfectly fine after therapy. He said that—'
'Will I be able to walk?'
'See, I didn't go to the gym every day for nothing! Until the time that
your left leg is cured, I will be your crutch! That's not too bad is it?' I said.
'Hmm. What do you think?' She looked at Eshaan.
'You will be fine. Just be positive. I just read on the Internet that
willpower is everything. That's what decides the rate of recovery more than
anything else,' he said.
'That's what decides? Benoy, then you should ask those doctors to cancel
their flights. I just need willpower, nothing else!' she mocked. Her will to
live was questionable and I understood that. We left after the nurse came in
and gave her medicine.
'Talked to her?' Shaina asked as I came out. I introduced Eshaan to
Shaina and he left. 'What did she say?'
'She is sad. It's hard for her.'
'I know. She has lost the will to fight,' she said.
'Don't worry, we will make her want to fight. I am with you, Shaina.'
'I am sorry for earlier, Benoy. And I am sorry for my parents,' she
murmured.
'It's okay. You don't have to be sorry for anything to me! Ever,' I said.
'I just want you to understand that Manoj wanted me to stay away from
you. And my parents. Maybe this is God's way of punishing me for what I
did to you.'
'God doesn't punish cute people like you.'
'Manoj hates you,' she said. 'Even more now.'Before I could say anything, Manoj reappeared, probably from hell, in
the corridor and she had to go. Manoj gave me his badass look, to which I
was immune.
The day before, Diya's mom had come up to me and said, 'You shouldn't
take the blame on yourself. It's God's wish. If someone says something,
don't mind.'
I was pretty sure Manoj had tried influencing her too. However, I had
started to feel that her parents liked me and my father. They had realized
that they had committed a mistake in judging us. Probably, they were still
angry with their daughter for she had broken their trust, but they were okay
with us.
My dad's a stud after all.C H A P T ER T H IRT Y
-
S I X
It had been more than a month since Diya had been in that terrible accident.
All the relatives had disappeared after the initial concern. My days had a
very specific schedule. I had to pick Diya up from her place every morning,
take her to Escorts for her therapy, go to college and make notes of every
single class that I attended. Diya had been very strict about this. She did not
want to miss anything that happened in college. So consequently, I had to
sit on the first seat and write down everything that was taught in class.
After classes, I had to go back to the hospital, pick her up and drop her at
her place. Often, I used to end up having dinner at her place. Sometimes,
Dad, too, dropped in. Over the last month or so, they had become like an
extended family to us. Her parents had begun to love me. But then again, I
owed it to Diya. My life had been totally empty before she walked in.
It was strange that they were the same parents we were all so scared
about! But then, seeing your daughter almost die is a life-changing
experience. And I guess who stays by your side during those times matters
a lot.
When Diya had left hospital, it was hard for her to walk without someone
accompanying her. Slowly, her condition had improved but she still used a
walking stick. The one with four pegs at the bottom. Her left hand though
was now totally functional. However, the bad news was that her progress
had slowed down. The doctors were still putting in their best, but they were
not positive about full recovery.
Her LSE dream was crushed though. Her treatment had already cost her
parents a lot. Despite my dad's protests, her parents had paid for a part of
her treatment. They paid whatever they could afford. It was not a lot, but itwas a lot for them. However, she was not going to LSE any more, which
was for sure.
'Beta,' Mrs Gupta said. I was in the kitchen helping her out.
'Yes, Aunty?'
'I think Manoj is coming over to see Diya.'
Shaina was still with him. I saw less of him now, though. We took care
that I was not around when he was. It was apparent to everyone that we did
not like each other.
'Oh, is he? I should leave then.'
'Oh, you don't have to, beta.'
'Aunty, you know that he doesn't like me around.'
'I know. I wish … I feel so bad sending you away every time he comes.'
'It's okay, Aunty. I know you will miss me, but I will come tomorrow
again!' I joked.
'You are too nice, Benoy.'
'Aunty, I like your food. That's why I come here. It reminds me of Mom.
So, I have an ulterior motive.'
'Who says I am not your mother? Don't I call you beta?'
'That's sweet, Aunty. Chalo, I will go now. Your other son must be
reaching.'
'Yes, and take this. I have packed food for you.'
'For me? And Dad?'
'Ohh … I didn't pack for bhaisahib,' she said, already feeling guilty.
'Kidding, Aunty. See you tomorrow,' I said and left.
I knew that Aunty liked me more than she liked Manoj. But that was not
enough. I wished it was the same for Shaina, too. Manoj had been doing
everything to cut me off from the family. He even hired a taxi service for
Diya, but it did not work because the taxi driver took many days off and she
could not have afforded to miss a single day. Dad had bought me a Land
Cruiser to facilitate the process, but Diya gave me hell every day for it.
'I didn't ask him to buy the car!' I said. 'He called you and told you that,
right?''Yes, he did! But he will do whatever you would ask him to do. And I
can walk now. It's not that I am totally incapable. Your big car makes me
feel like shit, Benoy.'
'Whatever, Diya. Can't you just enjoy the luxury for a bit?'
'Why don't you start walking with my crutch and see what a luxury that
is!' she retorted.
'You're such a pain in the ass! Differently abled my foot,' I said. 'Your
ability is just to piss me off.'
'But I am sorry, Benoy, for being such a burden on you and your father.
Like seriously.'
'Ohh, c'mon! Now don't start again! Dad and I have too much money or
time. If I didn't have to carry you around, I don't know what I would do in
life. I would probably kill myself in boredom,' I said.
'But I am sorry. You absolutely have no social life because of me. You
must curse me for being a cripple.'
'Diya? Firstly, you are not a cripple. You will be fine! And secondly, you
are my social life! You are my best friend and you are more than I will ever
ask for.'
'But—'
'No buts. Just shut up.'
She started weeping.
'Now what? I can't deal with your PMS, man,' I complained.
'Shut up, Benoy. You wouldn't understand what I am making my family
go through. They are so worried about who they will get me married to.
You know the kind of people around me.'
'Oh, c'mon. Anyone would marry you! Okay, if you don't find anybody,
I will marry you. Deal,' I said.
'I think that's what even Manoj's parents are waiting for,' she said sadly.
'My parents are so tense. They have been pushing all the functions back.
Benoy, no one wants to get married to a girl who has a crippled sister. They
are probably thinking they will have to take care of me after my parents are
gone.'
'You are just imagining things, Diya.''He himself told Shaina so,' she said.
'Who? Manoj?'
'Yes. He hasn't told my dad in exact words but he has dropped hints. He
keeps asking about my medical costs and my wedding … I am just twenty,
Benoy; I can't take all this nonsense,' she said. 'Why can't they just leave
me alone so that I can limp in silence?'
'You are thinking too much.'
'I'm not thinking too much. They haven't even come to our house even
though they live just a few blocks down the street. What do you think?'
'I think it's great that your family has got rid of them. Has she asked
Manoj about this?'
'No, what would she say? But she knows what they are up to.'
'Bastards.'
'I just want this to end. I hope I start walking without this fucking
crutch,' she cursed.
'It's just a stick and you will be absolutely fine—I just hope so,' I said
and parked the car in the compound and helped her get down from it. I
smiled at the nurses and they took her away.
I couldn't wait for Manoj and his family to be dead and gone, away from
Shaina, away from us.C H A P T ER T H IRT Y
-
SE V E N
Things were getting tougher for Diya. The medicines and the therapies were
not working as well as they should have been. The doctors had almost given
up hope, but Dad kept pushing them to work harder. That day I called
Diya's mom to tell her that I had dropped Diya, but it was Shaina who
answered. She was crying at the other end.
'Hi?'
'Hi, Benoy.'
'I just dropped her at the hospital. Why are you crying?' I asked. Silence.
'Are you crying, Shaina?' Silence. 'I need to see you right now. I'm coming
over. Isn't your mom home?' Silence. I could only hear her cry. 'I will be
there in twenty minutes.'
I rushed to her place and rang her bell incessantly till she opened it.
My God! Did she look beautiful! Sometimes, I thought that just her face
was beautiful enough to spend one lifetime just looking at her. I let out a
huge sigh and wondered how lucky Manoj must feel to have someone like
her. Not for an hour or for a day, but forever. She looked beautiful as she
smiled at me. Pretty beyond words, beyond poems, beyond epics.
'Everything okay?'
'Yes … umm … no,' she answered. Her voice became even sweeter as
she got sad.
'What happened?'
She looked away. She had tears in her eyes.
'You are crying? Why? Look at me,' I said and instinctively went and sat
closer to her, and took her hand into mine. I did not care if she was Manoj's
or whoever's; I could not see her cry.
'Nothing.''Look at me and don't cry. You can tell me, and I am sure everything will
be all right. Shaina? Don't cry, please. It feels so wrong when you cry.'
'It's just that … Manoj.'
'Manoj? What did he do? TELL me.'
'He just keeps making me feel bad about my sister, telling me that she's a
cripple and that she won't ever walk again,' she said.
'Tell him she will be all right!' I grumbled. I hated it when people did not
have confidence in her.
'He says he wouldn't be able to marry me until my sister is cured,' she
said.
'What?' That asshole.
'Earlier, he used to give all kinds of excuses and I never said anything to
him. But yesterday, I pushed him and he said very clearly that his parents
wouldn't allow him to marry me.'
'Fuck him! How can he say that? And what if Diya, heaven forbid—?'
'His family wasn't very happy with his decision to marry me in the first
place. They are in a huge debt. They wanted a hefty dowry, and Manoj's
wedding was their last hope. Now they say all sorts of stuff to my parents
and my parents can't say anything. I feel so stuck and responsible for all of
this,' she said, holding her head in her palms.
'You are saying he won't marry you now because your parents cannot
pay the dowry any more?'
'I don't know, Benoy. His parents have started looking for someone else
for him.'
'And he doesn't say anything?' I asked, shocked. 'Can't you see, Shaina?
He doesn't love you, Shaina. How can you not see that?'
She broke down. I held her hand again and tried to find words to soothe
her, but I was too disgusted to say anything. At Manoj's parents, at Manoj
and at Shaina. I just wanted to go to Manoj's place and knock his brains out.
'Everything will be okay. I will talk to Manoj.' I don't know why I said
that.
'Please don't. He hates you and if he gets to know that I talk to you, he
will beat … I mean, get very angry with me.''Does he abuse you?' I asked angrily.
'No! Never,' she said, rather unconvincingly.
'You can tell me that, if he ever—'
'No, he doesn't!' she suddenly shouted.
'Okay, fine,' I said. 'Calm down. So, what do you want me to do?'
'Nothing. I just wanted to tell somebody. I couldn't think of anyone but
you.'
'I am glad that you thought about me.'
'I do, Benoy. I'm so sorry for whatever happened.'
'You look matchlessly beautiful even when you cry,' I said.
'I am with him, Benoy. When you talk like this, it just—'
'Just?'
'It messes with my mind.'
'Hmm.'
'You should go now,' she said.
'I think I should,' I replied. I wouldn't see her for the next two weeks.C H A P T ER T H IRT Y
-
E I G H T
Another fortnight had passed by, and Diya was getting better. That day,
Diya did not say anything while in the car. Since I was the only person she
used to talk to, she had loads to talk about. Finally, I couldn't take the
silence and asked her. I was a little afraid that it would be about her
condition.
'What happened?'
'What? Nothing,' she said and looked out of the window.
'Why are you so quiet today? Is it the big car? Or is it the fact that you're
disabled? What's troubling you?'
'I told you, it's nothing,' she said.
'It cannot be nothing. Tell me,' I insisted.
'Benoy, Manoj's parents are coming over tonight to decide on the
engagement date and other details.'
'Tonight? Why didn't anyone tell me?' I asked, shocked.
'They just called this morning to confirm, and I just can't take it. I just
HATE the guy.'
'And Shaina?'
'I know she's my sister, but she's being stupid. She's just so scared of this
Manoj guy. She just can't seem to extricate herself from this relationship.
It's so irritating. She's a different person with me and with you, but you
leave her with him, she becomes his slave.'
'I don't know what to say to that,' I said.
'He is not right for her. You are.'
'Shaina doesn't think so, Diya. I met her and I tried to tell her what I felt,
but she is not concerned. I think she likes me, but not enough to leave him
for me,' I explained.'I just want to see her happy. She is happiest when she is with you.
You're so sweet and selfless. That's what she needs, not a controlling
bastard.'
'But—'
'What but? See, Benoy. For Shaina, it's hard. Every relative of ours
knows about Manoj. There is a lot of pressure on her.'
'So?'
'So she cannot back out of the relationship. It would be very humiliating
for our family. People will call her a slut. Just think, Benoy. She would
never do it, no matter how much she likes you,' she explained.
'So what do you suggest?'
'That you're a fool. You should go there and get what's yours. You're the
richest idiot I have ever seen, Benoy. You drive around in ridiculous cars,
you wear all these expensive clothes, you're sweet and you're charming,
and you can't make a girl fall in love with you? How utterly nonsensical is
that? It's ridiculous!'
'But you always said my clothes are ridiculous?'
'But they look good on you. Like, not runway-model good, but decent.
Benoy, I don't want my sister to get married there. I don't want that guy
anywhere near my sister. It's all up to you. Be the charming flirt we all
thought you were!'
'I can't flirt!'
'With her, you don't have to,' she said.
'You might be disabled, but you're certainly getting smarter.'C H A P T ER T H IRT Y
'So? I mean, do we still talk to each other like we want to kill each
other?'
'You never fought for me, Benoy,' Shaina said and looked away.
'Totally,' Diya said, still eating.'You know. GET LOST! Both of you,' I shouted and got up. 'I am
fucking leaving. I am not into your games. I love you but you never fought
for me! I am with that guy but I have no problems kissing you and then
dumping you for no good reason. He's an asshole but I will still be with
him. I'm DONE with all this!'
I started putting my shoes back on.
'See, you're still running,' Diya pointed out.
'You're always running,' Shaina said.
'Manoj and his family are minutes away from getting here,' Shaina said.
'And if you loved my sister as much as you say you do, you wouldn't be
leaving. You would sit here, punch him in the face and kiss Shaina right in
front of his family. Instead, you choose to run. You're a coward, Benoy,'
Diya said, disgusted.
'FINE! I will just stay here and show that bastard his place. I will beat
him up, right here, in front of his parents, and in front of yours. Don't give
your community crap then! Don't go telling me that your parents would
lose all their respect and their daughter is a slut. I am SERIOUS. I WILL
FUCK THE GUY UP!' I growled and clenched my fist.
'We will see,' Diya said and Shaina nodded. They sat on the sofa while I
paced around the room, trying to remain angry, reminding myself of
everything I had faced because of Manoj.
Twenty minutes passed by.
'Where the fuck are they?' I asked angrily.
'Maybe they just knew you would beat them up, and hence decided not
to come,' Diya said.
'I think that's a fair assumption,' Shaina said and laughed, and then Diya
laughed.
'What the fuck is going on here?' I asked Shaina.
She got up from the sofa and walked up to me. She put her arms around
me and kissed me on my cheek. 'No one's coming,' she said.
'What do you mean?' I asked, perplexed.
'I broke up with him two weeks ago,' Shaina said. 'The day I met you
and cried. I had already broken up with him, but I thought I would go back.But then you called and came over, and I knew if I went back then, it would
be the biggest mistake ever.'
'You knew?' I looked at Diya.
'Of course I knew!' she exclaimed.
'So Manoj's chapter is like finished? He's not coming? Like no
engagement and all the bull crap?' I asked in disbelief.
Shaina kissed me again. 'Nope!'
'Why didn't you guys tell me? I was dying. I was literally dying!' I
shouted.
'I wanted to tell you,' Shaina said. 'I wanted to run to you the moment I
knew I had to be with you, but Diya wanted you to toil after me! Trust me,
it was hard for me to stay away.'
I kissed her.
'You're a witch, Diya,' I said. 'You should know that!'
'If it weren't for me, you two wouldn't have met,' she countered.
'You never know,' Shaina said.
'I love you, Shaina,' I professed and turned to her.
'I love you more,' she said and kissed me on my lips.
'That's gross. This is officially the worst day of my life,' Diya said.THE BEGINNING
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First published by Grapevine India Publishers Pvt. Ltd 2011
Published in Penguin Metro Reads by Penguin Books India 2013
Copyright © Durjoy Datta 2013
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All rights reserved
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the
authors' imagination or are used fictitiously and any resembla
No matter how hard I tried, I could not change Diya's perception.
'And you are not adding her on Facebook!'
'What's wrong with that?''Just like that. I don't want you to go about liking every picture of hers,
like you have done in mine.'
'You noticed?' I asked.
'Obviously, Benoy. I am not blind.'
'Oh, okay. But—'
'Nothing doing. No adding her on Facebook,' she said this sternly, and
we did not discuss it further.
Like a petulant child who does exactly what he's asked not to, I sent
Shaina a friend request. The more Shaina was treated like a guarded
princess, the more I was drawn to her.
My eyes grew weary and tired waiting for the friend request to get
accepted, but I couldn't make myself give up on the hope.
And then, a message came.
Shaina Gupta: Are you sure? ☺ Didn't Diya ask you not to add me?C H A P T ER E I G H T E E N
That day, Deb came over, and as if I was not already having a bad day, he
had decided that he would add to my list of worries. I had spent an hour,
and I had not yet drafted a reply. Why the fuck can't she just accept the
friend request?
'Hey,' Deb said. 'Guess what?'
'That you're not getting engaged?'
'No, asshole. I got the ring!'
'This is the worst day of my entire life. The only brother I had is now
someone else's. I don't have any reason to live.'
'Oh, cut it out and be happy for me, man.'
'Okay, fine. But have you thought this through, Deb? Being engaged? It
is a big decision. No more sleeping around? No more night-outs or dates
with other girls.'
'It's the easiest decision I have ever made. The only girl I want to be
around is her,' he explained.
'That's sweet.'
'Yeah, anyway, you should be doing all that. Not me. It's your time now!
I will just be the boring elder brother!' He smiled.
'I don't do that either.'
'Oh, c'mon. Don't be that boring, Benoy. I am getting engaged, and you
seem depressed!'
'Okay, whatever,' I said.
We talked for a little while, and it didn't take long for him to notice that I
was distracted. I kept checking the phone for a notification that would say
that she had accepted the friend request. Maybe, she was waiting for me to
reply to her message.'I think I like someone,' I finally told Deb.
'Ohh, sure you do! Diya, isn't it? I always felt that. Even my mom told
me that the way she looked at you at our place, she just knew something is
going on. So?' Deb said excitedly.
'Diya? No. Are you out of your mind? I was talking about Shaina.'
'Shaina?'
'Diya'ssister.'
'Diya's sister? As in, real sister?'
'Yes, real sister. What else?'
'Oh, that's just fucked up. Does Diya know?' he asked.
'I mean, she has an idea. And she doesn't like it.'
'Just tread carefully, Benoy. For now, can we stop talking about your
girl? Okay, I will show you the ring, and even if you hate it, you have to lie.
Get it?'
'Yes, sir. Deb sir.'
He showed me the ring. There was no way any girl would say no to a
ring like that.
'It's brilliant,' I said and congratulated him again. I wished him luck and
he left me to my misery. After he left, I went back to my message screen.
Benoy Roy: We don't have to tell her! ☺
It wasn't witty, it wasn't smart, but I had to reply.
Shaina Gupta: You don't but I have to. She is my sister! And she doesn't
have nice things to say about you. ☺ I don't trust men with big cars.
Benoy Roy: She is just possessive! Will you add me already! ☺
Shaina Gupta: *Runs to ask Diya if she should*
Benoy Roy: Nooo! *Dies*
Shaina Gupta: *Jerk*
A little later, I got the notification that I had been waiting for.
Shaina Gupta accepted your friend request.
Within seconds, Diya called. Crap.
'Benoy!' she almost screamed on the phone.
'You wouldn't believe what just happened,' I said.
'What!' she still screamed.'Deb is getting engaged! He had this huge ring and he is proposing to
Avantika … right NOW. Can you believe that? It's CRAZY!'
'What? Really?'
'Yes, he showed me the ring. It's huge.'
'You seem so excited,' she said. 'I'm so happy for him!'
'So am I!'
She was sufficiently distracted. We talked about Deb and his engagement
and what it would mean to me; she forgot she had to blast me for adding
Shaina.
'But I had asked you not to send her a request,' she said, not as angry any
more.
'When have I ever done what you have asked me to, Diya?'
We both laughed at it, and I mailed her the picture of the ring that I had
clicked. She got busy with that. As soon as we disconnected the call, Shaina
messaged me again.
Shaina Gupta: That was well handled! ☺
Benoy Roy: Anything to be in your friend list.
Shaina Gupta: That was creepy!!
Benoy Roy: The pressure to be smart and funny is getting too much to
handle for me. What do you call creepy in French?
Shaina Gupta: Now that was sweet! ☺ Creepy in French is 'rampé'.
Benoy Roy: But you know what would be really sweet?
Shaina Gupta: I am thinking chocolate cake? What's on your mind?
Benoy Roy: Yeah. Chocolate cake. But yes, exchanging numbers!
Shaina Gupta: Why don't you call my sister and ask for it?
Benoy Roy: I think we should stick to chocolate then! ☺
Shaina Gupta: Aw! 9999993489!
Benoy Roy: So much better. ☺ Vous êtes un grand!
Shaina Gupta: Your Google Translate skills don't impress me.
And our conversation shifted from Facebook messages to text messages
and when she had exhausted her free messages, I called her. She asked me
to wait until her sister had drifted off to sleep.
'Hey,' I said.'Hey, do you want to talk to Diya? She is right here,' she said.
'Very funny.'
'Why not! You're best friends after all,' she joked.
'Shaina, you are the girl here. I am the guy. I am supposed to be funny!
And you are supposed to laugh at my jokes. Not the other way around.'
She faked a giggle and said, 'Does that work fine with you?'
'You need to work on making that giggle a little more realistic!'
We both giggled at this. This time, her giggle was more realistic. We
didn't talk for long since she had an assignment to complete. Just before
sleeping, I visited her profile and saw all the pictures again. I resisted the
temptation to like all her pictures. I did not want Diya to notice that. And
secondly, Manoj Nagpal, a guy from her list, had already done that. He had
liked every picture of hers!
Manoj Nagpal likes this.
I checked him out, and he was a 'rampé'-looking guy.
Manoj Nagpal. Studied at Delhi University. Lives in Delhi. Knows
English, Hindi and Punjabi. Born on September 12, 1986.
1986? Creepy OLD bastard!C H A P T ER N I N E T E E N
'Has anybody replied yet?'
It had been quite some time since Diya had applied to a few places for a
summer internship but she was getting nowhere with it. Unlike me, she was
only sending applications to the top-notch organizations.
I had already given up and decided that I would work at my father's
company. Despite fervent requests, she had refused help of any kind
whatsoever.
'Nothing as of now,' she said.
'Do you want me to talk to my dad?'
'No!' she said.
'What if—'
'Eshaan called yesterday,' she interrupted.
'Aha! Eshaan? I didn't know you guys were calling each other and stuff.'
I nudged her.
'He had called once to thank me for that day. I told you about that! He
said he was contacting a few companies and asked me if I wanted to apply.'
'I think he likes you.'
'No, he doesn't. He's just sweet and you know that.'
'I know he does. The question is whether you like him or not?'
'Like him? I hardly know that guy! And please, I cannot get into
relationships like you do.'
'Why do you always say that? Have you in the last few months ever seen
me talk about anyone? Or being with someone? This is unfair.'
'Fine. Fine!' she said.
'Seems like there are still a few things you have to know about me,' I
grumbled. First thing amongst them was that I was in love with her sister.'Oh. I totally forgot. I saw your dad's video on YouTube. He was invited
to a conclave organized by the Chambers of Commerce,' she told me.
'What about it?'
'He sounds good! He has an accent and you don't. I am afraid but he's
cooler than you are, Benoy. You're a step down in evolution. He's good
looking too. What happened with you? Are you adopted, Benoy?' she
asked, smirking.
'Whatever.'
'I think you can learn a thing or two from him. He's quite the rock star,'
she said. 'He's like the good parts of Richard Branson and Gerard Butler,
and you're like the bad parts of Johnny Lever and the guy from
Frankenstein.'
I stayed quiet; it was because I was happy and confused.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
The only time I didn't miss Shaina was when I was reading her blog and
staring endlessly at her sketches. Calling her always daunted me because I
felt like an illiterate homeless guy while talking to her. She was educated in
French and Spanish, wrote poems and drew like a dream, and sometimes
she would talk about poets and their lives and their best works, their
techniques of writing and what not; I just drove around in my dad's stupid
big car like it was mine.
'Weren't you with my sister all morning?' Shaina asked the first thing
after answering my call.
'Yes, why?'
'That's creepy, Benoy. You spend all your day with my sister and then
you hit on me. That's not done.' She chuckled.
'If I were hitting on you, I would have liked all your pictures … like
someone has.'
'Someone?'
'Some guy. Manoj somebody in your list. He has liked all your pictures.
Who does that?' I said irritably.
'Oh, c'mon. He's a nice guy.'
'And he is as old as your dad,' I snapped. 'He's twenty-six, Shaina. You
are young enough to be his daughter.'
'Love knows no age!' she countered.
'You can like him as much as you can right now, but let me tell you, he's
not going to last. A natural-cause death is fast approaching.'
'That's just mean. He isn't that old!' she countered.
'He is twenty-six! Imagine. When he was in first year, you were in the
seventh standard. That's like paedophilia, Shaina.''Now you're just making it sound worse! George Chapman, a poet, said,
"Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are
fools."'
'At least you agree that he's old. Are you dating him or something?'
'Could be! Could be not. Whatever be the case, I'm not looking to date
you. You're not my type,' she professed.
'What's your type? I have already started watching all the top French
movies in the IMDB list, and I am thinking of reading through all of Byron
and Keats and Neruda and Frost, if that's what your type is,' I said.
'I think I should just go and tell Diya that you have been troubling me,'
she jested.
'Err …'
'Aw! Look at you. You're cute, Benoy. I'm sure you will find yourself a
nice girl. I am kind of surprised you aren't seeing anyone,' she said.
'I'm not!'
'I just thought girls would be clamouring to get to you. Except your
shoes, I think you're everything a girl can ask for,' she commented.
'Is someone paying you to be sweet to me? I am really not used to it,
Shaina.'
'Modesty! Thy name is certainly Benoy Roy. You know what, the first
time didi talked about you, I thought she would explode! She was so angry,
like really pissed off. What did you do? She told me that you were an
inconsiderate, rich brat.'
'I am not a brat!' I protested. 'Oh, by the way, I loved the new poem. I
don't know how much I got, but it's brilliant.'
'Oh, please don't read my poems, Benoy,' she said. 'They are horrible!'
'Are you kidding me? I have cried, like, so much reading them, and I
don't even know if I understand them completely,' I said.
'You're just being sweet. No one really likes them. Everyone dies in my
poems. How can you even like them? I don't even know why I write them
in the first place. I end up depressing myself,' she explained. 'I want to stop
writing them.'
'No! Don't stop. I love them,' I protested.'Thank you,' she said. 'I think I should keep down the phone. Diya
would want to know who I was talking to and I really don't like lying to my
sister.'
We disconnected the call. It was a little uncomfortable hiding it from
Diya. I slept peacefully that night, imagining Shaina in a quaint old town
cottage, working on a poem in her study, while I looked on, thanking my
stars for having met her.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
O N E
I sat there in my car and waited for her outside her college; I didn't think
she would agree to see me without her sister but she did. I was ecstatic and
nervous. The wait was long, painful and nerve-racking. She exited her
college campus and our eyes locked. As she walked and smiled shyly, as
she looked at me, I had to remind myself to keep breathing. I wish I had
learned a few lines written by any French poet to describe to her how pretty
she was, and probably impress her, but she knew I was an illiterate buffoon.
'Hi,' she said as I opened the door for her.
'Hi,' I repeated, voice barely escaping my throat.
'Don't you have a smaller car? This attracts way too much attention,' she
complained.
'Umm, I think you attract more attention than the car,' I said.
'You never stop flirting, do you?'
I shook my head. I noticed that every time I complimented her she would
curl up into a ball and be embarrassed about it, and then she would smile.
She did not have much time on her hands, and we were together just for
the time it took for me to drive her home.
'I'm so embarrassed that you read my poems, Benoy. You must think I
am some depressed widow or something,' she said.
'Not at all. I told you I really like them,' I said. 'I think you're just
fishing for compliments.'
'No, I am not,' she said. 'Are you this sweet to everybody?'
'Not really, I just prepare my speeches for you.'
'Stop being so sweet to me, Benoy. You should try your speeches on
someone else. I am really not looking to date anyone right now,' sheconceded, and looked out of the car window, sad, like the protagonists of
her tragic poems.
'Why is that? Am I that undateable?'
'No, with this big car and stuff, you are way too dateable. I am sure
you're a heartbreaker,' she said.
'I will never do that,' I said, 'to you.'
'You never give up, do you?'
I shook my head.
'It was nice meeting you today, Benoy,' she said as we reached close to
her apartment.
'The pleasure was all mine.'
We shook hands and got off the car. She walked away from me, and it
seemed like the world came to an abrupt end.
I called her as soon as I got home; it was desperate but I couldn't help
calling her.
'You need to stop calling me, Benoy.'
'Hello, nice to talk to you too,' I said.
'If Diya finds out about this, she will kill you.' She chuckled.
'Let's kill her first then?' I suggested.
'Wait. Let me just do that,' she said and added after a pause, 'okay,
done.'
'So did you kill her?' I asked her.
'Yes,' she whispered. 'She did struggle a little, but I was stronger than
her. I made it look like an accident. She slipped on the bar of soap and
landed head first on the butcher's knife. I am sure no one will suspect foul
play. It's the perfect murder.'
'You're deliciously entertaining, Shaina,' I said.
'Um, Benoy. I had wanted this for long. So I was already slowly
poisoning her. But, today I couldn't take it any more. So, I just used the
kitchen knife.'
'You know that you're totally random, Shaina? Right?'
'I know,' she said and laughed.'I just called to tell you that I really liked seeing you today,' I confessed.
'I liked seeing you today too. The best part was when I got out of the car
and I turned around a blind corner and I could see you, but you couldn't see
I really liked that,' she conceded. 'Hey? Can you hold on for a bit? I
need to get inside my blanket …
'Okay, I am back,' she whispered. 'I hope you can hear me.'
'It works for me,' I said and found myself whispering too.
'You can speak normally, Benoy, unless of course, you have someone
sleeping beside you too.'
'Not really, but if I whisper like this, it will make me feel that I am there
with you,' I said.
'I don't know what to say to that. You have all the arsenal to have girls
running after you,' she responded.
'They don't work on you,' I said, despondent. 'What will work on you?'
'Stop trying on me. Don't you think I deserve better?' She chuckled.
'Ohh, call waiting,' she said and switched to the other call before I could
say anything. I waited for fifteen minutes and then cut the call. It took
Shaina about half an hour to call me back.
'Are you sleeping?' she asked. 'I'm sorry. It was an important call. Did I
take too much time?'
'Thirty-four minutes.'
'You were counting?'
'Every second,' I said, trying hard not to sound pissed off.
'I'm really sorry. You shouldn't have waited,' she murmured.
'I can't help but wait.'
'Please don't be sweet to me, Benoy. You scare me.'
'Scare you?'
'You know you're charming and cute, but we need to maintain our
distance,' she explained.
'Who was it?' I asked on an impulse, wondering why she always pushed
me away saying things like that.
'Manoj.''Ohh, he is not dead yet? Last heard, they were looking for coffins his
size.'
'Stop being so mean to him. He isn't that old.'
'Okay, but you have booked a seat in the old-age home, right?'
'Shut up!'
'But what is he doing hitting on someone half his age? Well, I forgive
him! Anyone would hit on you!'
'See, there you go again.'
'With what?' I asked.
'Stop flirting with me! I have a hard time explaining to Mom why I smile
so much these days.'
'That sounds good.' I beamed.
'I don't like you making me smile!' she said.
'You do the same to me!'
We talked for an hour, tucked inside our blankets, whispering into our
phones, as if we were together, she and I, hiding from the world.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
TWO
The late-night talks with Shaina became a daily routine. But sometimes it
was distressing because I had to fight for her time with Manoj Nagpal, the
old creep in her friend list. And I was not winning the fight. Anyway, that
day I was supposed to meet Diya. It had been a few days and we had not
talked or met.
I missed her, but I missed her sister more. Yeah, yeah, I am an asshole.
So what! Everybody loves their crushes/girlfriends more than their friends.
I was no different!
'Someone's got too busy!' Diya said as I walked up to her.
'Me? No? You are the one who's busy giving interviews.'
'I don't have a wealthy father, Benoy. What was the last thing he bought
you? A helicopter?' she teased me.
'Haw! That's just unfair.'
'I wasn't serious. But I have to give these interviews. Otherwise, my
profile would look so empty,' she said.
'Anyway, where is Eshaan? Didn't he have his interview, too?'
'Yes, he did. But he had to rush home. He is always so busy,' she said,
irritably.
'You seem upset that he's busy! What's up between you two? Something
that I should know?' I said, grinning stupidly.
'Benoy, I really don't think of Eshaan like that.'
'But he does. He really likes you.'
'I can't worry about relationships right now. My father is a feudal lord,'
she said.
'That's like the worst joke ever. And who said relationships and careers
don't go hand in hand? Both of you love your books! Economics! And Godknows what all! This is so meant to be.'
'If you like him so much, Benoy, why don't you date him? Stop pestering
me about him.'
'Fine, I won't,' I said. 'Anyway, how's Shaina?'
'She is good, why?'
'Just like that. She ever mentions me?'
'You? Why would she mention you? I have said this before, I am saying
this now, and I will keep saying this … you don't have to think about her.
She is my sister. There are millions out there. Go after them!'
'But, I—'
'No buts. I said it. And that's final.'
I wished there was some way I could tell Diya that my feelings for her
sister were genuine. Shaina and I had now gone on three dates. And I had to
lie to Diya every time we had gone out. It wasn't the best feeling in the
world.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
T H RE E
I had been counting hours. It happened every time Shaina and I had to meet.
The nervousness, the confusion about what I should wear, the insecurity
about my hair, new pimples … it made me feel like a little girl.
'Hey!' I said as I spotted her. She wore a bright red kurta, with jeans that
hugged her shapely legs. She wore flip-flops; she looked just the kind who
would go watch Spanish art movies alone and write depressing poems that
people would discuss years after she's gone.
'You look awesome,' I said.
'Thank you. You look great too,' she said.
'Where do you want to go?' I asked, half expecting her to drag me to a
library or a museum.
'We need to talk,' she said.
She sounded serious and we picked a place that was quiet and serious. It
was very unlike Shaina, but I was positive. Maybe I would get to tell her
today how much I loved her; I had practised the speech a million times in
my head.
'I talked to your sister yesterday,' I said to Shaina as she fiddled with her
phone.
'My sister? Why?'
'I didn't tell her anything. I just asked about you. She doesn't even want
me to be in the same universe as you.'
'Then stop trying, Benoy,' she said. 'She loves me too much. And she
would never approve of you. She never likes guys around me, Benoy.'
'But why? Why is she so stuck up? It's not as if she has never dated
anyone,' I said, frustrated. 'Does she know about the other guys in your
life? Like Manoj?''Okay, whatever. We are not talking about him.'
'Why not! You dated him?'
'I don't want to talk about him. Can you respect that?' she asked. Not
wanting to anger her, I stayed silent. 'Manoj is smart and he is really
mature. Diya approves of him.'
'I thought we weren't talking about him,' I grumbled, rage coursing
through my body.
An awkward silence hung around us.
'Umm, Benoy, I really like you, but we have to stop this,' she said.
'Stop what?'
'Meeting secretly, talking on the phone, your flirting with me. You think
it's harmless but it's not,' she explained.
'I would never do anything to harm you. Why would you say that?'
'I can't explain everything to you, but we've got to stop meeting each
other. If you ever have to see me, we can catch up in the presence of my
sister,' she murmured, her voice low and serious.
'But why?'
'You make me like you, and that's wrong on so many levels that I can't
even begin to explain to you,' she said. Every word of hers broke my heart
into a million pieces; I could feel it happening in excruciating slow motion.
'I am glad to hear you like me,' I said and forced a smile, wanting to cry.
'My sister doesn't like it and you don't have the slightest idea how my
parents would react if they came to know,' she said. 'You only spell trouble
for me. I don't like thinking about you, about us.'
'It's enough for me to know that you think about us,' I responded.
'You are so wrong for me,' she said and looked away.
'Then, who's right? Manoj?'
'Maybe he is, maybe he's not,' she answered.
'C'mon. He will be dead in a few years. He is already sixty,' I tried to
lighten up; this conversation was only breaking me down.
'He istwenty-six.'
'He looks sixty.''It's useless talking to you,' she said. 'I don't even know why I am
compelled to talk to you.'
'I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm strikingly good
looking,' I said.
'Whatever.'
I looked at her and she smiled at me shyly. She wouldn't talk much that
day; she listened to me and my stories, and would just nod, or look away. I
didn't talk about us; it depressed her, and it hurt me to see her like that.
'Are we meeting tomorrow?'
'You want to?' she asked.
'I wouldn't let you go home ever if it were up to me.'
'I will let you know. I will have to ask Mom. She asks too many
questions these days. I don't have answers for her like I don't have answers
for myself,' she said, looking away from me. I didn't like her talking to me
in riddles; she felt distant and cold.
I drove back home, distracted, not sure what to make of what she had
said. Her doubts, her apprehensions saddened me, but her obvious
consideration for what I felt for her gladdened me; I felt like I was in one of
her poems, conflicted yet happy, confused yet clear, sad yet infinitely
happy.
Maybe that's what being in love means.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
F O U R
We had kept meeting, though we never talked about whether or not we liked
each other, or what Diya would think, or whether we should date or not; I
was cautious about anything I said to her, scared that I might put her off.
That day, I was waiting near her house; I always parked at a safe
distance. It had been drizzling for quite some time now, and I saw her at a
distance, running, jumping over puddles, dodging traffic, and by the time
she reached my car, she was drenched.
The wet white T-shirt she wore clung to her body and her beautifully
carved legs glistened as water droplets streamed down them. A small drop
of water trickled down her face and rested on her slightly parted, soft, pink
lips.
'Hi,' she said and she pulled out tissues from the box and started rubbing
the water off herself.
'Hi,' I said, trying hard not to stare.
She was almost bare. I could see the colour of her skin beneath the wet T
shirt, and I tried hard not to stare. I put the heater on full blast and she
thanked me for it.
'Stop staring, Benoy, you're embarrassing me,' she said, still trying to get
herself dry. I looked away. The rain pouring outside and the near nakedness
of Shaina were just an invitation for me to do something stupid.
'I think I should change,' she said.
'Let's go to my place? I will give you something to wear?' I said.
'Your place?' she asked. She was sceptical but there was no other choice;
she was still dripping.
'Nice house,' she said as she looked around. A few stray strands of wet
hair clung to her face and her neck, small beads of raindrops were still stuckto her face, and her neck and further down. I wanted to be those drops and
explore her porcelain-smooth skin. I could not help but stare at her fulsome
breasts behind her T-shirt, her flat stomach and her thin waist.
'Can you get me a T-shirt?' she asked.
I nodded. Reluctantly, I left and got her a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. She
locked the room behind her and changed. I tried not to imagine her bare and
in my room; the thought was delicious and so wrong.
Finally, the door creaked open.
'How do I look?' she asked and struck a pose. The T-shirt ended mid
thigh; it was so long that it hid the shorts beneath it.
'You always look amazing!' I said, my heart aflutter.
'The tee is a little big though,' she joked.
We sat on the couch and ordered pizzas for ourselves. She started to talk
and I found it hard to concentrate on her words. I tried not to make it
obvious that I was checking her out, which I totally was.
Everything was going perfect, when suddenly she came back to the topic.
'This isn't right,' she said. 'I shouldn't be here.'
'Can we not talk about that again?' I begged.
'We can't run away from this conversation, Benoy. I am really fond of
you. But—'
'But?'
'Benoy, you and I, this will never be. And you know that. The sooner we
understand this, the better,' she said.
She said this casually, not realizing that she was killing me from the
inside. Instead of just saying this, she could have just ripped the beating
heart of me and handed over to me in my palm.
'I am not particularly in the mood to understand that you try to run away
from me at the drop of a hat. It's particularly torturous today, since you're
looking totally hot,' I said, almost desperate.
'Fine, then, let's watch a movie? Which movie do you want to watch?'
She went through my collection of DVDs and was disappointed that she
could only find mindless action movies—just the kind she hated.
Disappointed, she asked me to pick one.'Let's just watch whatever you want to. I think I have bored you enough
by making you watch the movies I do. You deserve a break,' she conceded,
and suppressed a smile.
I mindlessly picked one and she slipped it into the DVD player. She
tapped a few buttons on the remote and the movie started to play. I was still
trapped in her words, words she didn't realize could affect me the way they
did. She was always good with words.
'Do you mind?' she said, as she slipped right next to me.
I dimmed the lights and instinctively leaned into her; I put my hand
across her shoulder and she didn't brush it off. I wanted to stop the movie
and ask her what she meant by what she had said. But I was scared to lose
that moment. I wanted to make the most of it. The questions could wait for
another time. The movie ended, and right before it did, right before the
tearful climax, Shaina and I had kissed.
I kissed Shaina.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
F I V E
A silence hung around the room as if somebody had died. She looked at me,
and I looked at her. I did not know what to say. I had no idea what it meant
or where it would lead us. She started crying. What happened later was not
what I had in mind; it wasn't planned and it was not why I wanted her to
come over.
Quietly, she gathered her things and prepared to leave—she did not say a
word. I did not know what to say because I did not know what she felt. I
wondered if it was because of the guilt of betraying the trust that her parents
had in her.
She disappeared into the room to change back into her clothes; they were
still wet.
A little later, she came out. I had no idea who had initiated the kiss. I did
not feel sorry about it, but she did.
'I am sorry, Benoy.'
'Sorry? Why? You don't have to be sorry,' I said. She still avoided eye
contact; she was still crying.
'I should have never come here. I said this was wrong, didn't I?'
'Why is this wrong? This is perfect.'
'This is wrong, Benoy. I don't do this. I don't kiss guys I hardly know.'
Her voice was desperate now.
'I didn't mean to kiss you. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.'
'I know you didn't mean to, Benoy. It's my fault. It's because of me. I
kissed you back,' she said and began to leave. 'You don't have to apologize.
I led you into believing there was something between us.'
'Can we at least talk about it?'
'There is nothing to talk about. Can I go?'I blocked her way. Her silence and her words, both affected me
profoundly.
'I am sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you, but I thought—' I said.
'Yes, I wanted to kiss you as well. And that's what's wrong, Benoy. Now,
please let me go. I can deal with this myself. Please leave me alone.'
'But, Shaina, I love you. I don't see what's wrong in this,' I said, feeling
betrayed.
'We don't love each other, Benoy. I don't even know what on earth I am
doing here!'
'No, Shaina—' I said, but she was in no mood to listen. Fuck.
'Didi was right. I should not have called you. It's my fault, Benoy,
seriously.' She came close and talked softly. 'You are not to blame. You are
too nice, and I fell for it, even though I shouldn't have. Who wouldn't?'
'But you and I, it seems so right, doesn't it?'
'I don't know. I just don't want this to go any further. I cannot do this.
Please don't make it any tougher than it already is, Benoy. Please don't ask
any questions. I don't have any answers to give you.'
'Is it Manoj?' I don't know why I asked that.
'I said no questions, Benoy,' she said and left the house.
She was crying as she walked away. I knew that image of her leaving my
house would haunt me for a long time to come. I went back to the couch
and ran my hands over where she had sat. I could still smell her there. I felt
dizzy and terrible.
I wondered where I had gone wrong. I played the last half an hour again
in my head. But, even if we kissed, what was the big deal? I loved her, and I
told her that. And she only had good things to say about me. Where have I
gone wrong? Do I not deserve her?
I kept calling her, and she kept rejecting my calls. I sent across a million
texts, but she did not reply. Maybe, she was dating Manoj, that old creep. If
she were, why couldn't she just tell me that.
I had to take a few vodka shots that day to put me to sleep. As I was
falling asleep, I wished I would wake up and it would all be a nasty
nightmare.It was not a nightmare; it was happening for real. I woke up the next day,
two hours too late and my head hurt. There were missed calls and unread
texts from Diya. She wanted to meet. Nothing from Shaina. I called her
again. There was no answer. This was real. And it hurt.C H A P T ER TWE N T Y
-
S I X
'What the fuck, Benoy? It's already three!' Diya shouted at me as I walked
up to her.
She did not look pleased at all. I was supposed to meet Diya at one in the
afternoon in Saket and shop for our internship clothes. She told me there
was no one else she could go out with. She had noticed my absence from
her life recently. My phone was always busy. I was always out with friends
and hardly ever available. I had been avoiding her calls; talking to her made
me feel guiltier.
Just as I had left my place to meet Diya, I had received a text from
Shaina.
Benoy, I need some time alone. I need to figure things out.
Please don't text me or call me for the time being.
She could take as much time as she wanted to come and fall right back in
love with me. That was what I was concerned about. Shaina needs some
time to think, that's all, I reminded myself.
'I am sorry, Diya! I got stuck somewhere,' I said.
'You are too busy these days. Where do we go first?'
'Umm, Zara?'
She grabbed my hand and dragged me to the outlet. As she pulled me
towards the shop, I wondered if things would have been easier if I had kept
Diya in the loop since the very beginning.
'Isn't this like too tight? I look like an elephant in tights.'
'This is what everyone wears these days, Diya,' I said. 'And you look
hot. Stop wearing clothes that aunties wear.'
'Whatever.''If not for anyone else, you can dress up for Eshaan!' I argued; both of
them were doing their internship at BMR Advisors.
'Thank you,' she said, after we were done overhauling her wardrobe.
'What? Thank you? You're my best friend! I can do that for you.'
'Okay, listen, Benoy. I talked to someone from LinkedIn who's studying
without a scholarship at LSE. I have inboxed you his mail id. You can ask
him any questions that you have,' she told me. I had expressed interest in
going to LSE with her, but I hadn't done anything about it yet.
'Diya? That's two years away. Why would I need to talk to him now?'
'I just felt that you desperately wanted to go,' she said sadly.
'Aw! I really do. Okay, you know what, I have already talked to Dad
about it and he will ask people around.'
'You did?' she asked and smiled.
'Yes. I did. I know you will fail your exams there without me. I know
how much you need me!' I said, and hugged her.
Hungry and tired, we went to Khan Market to have lunch. I did not say
much on the way; I was tired since I had not slept the night before. I toyed
with the idea of telling her about Shaina; it seemed like the only option.
As I parked my car, my phone beeped. It was a text from Shaina.
Benoy, I am sorry. We can't be in touch any more. Please don't call or
text me. Please understand. This is my last text. Take care. Best of luck
in life. I am sorry.
As we went about choosing a place, my head hurt. My hands trembled
and I wanted to call her. My stomach felt strange and it seemed I was
falling sick.
'What happened?' Diya asked. 'You seem strange. Is everything okay?'
I nodded.
We sat down to eat and I was yet to say anything. She kept asking but I
could not form the sentences in my head. I was dazed. I read Shaina's
message repeatedly. Finally, I gathered some courage and spoke up. I
needed somebody I could talk to regarding Shaina.'Umm, Diya, I need to tell you something.'
'Tell me?'
'Promise me you won't freak out and will first listen to everything I say.'
'Sure.'
I started to narrate everything that had happened between Shaina and me
in the past few weeks. She sat motionless as I told her everything, leaving
nothing out. I tried to convince her that Shaina meant the world to me and
that this was not any fling, and that I was not a fling sort of a guy; her face
gave nothing away, and I didn't know if she believed me. I showed her the
text Shaina had just sent me. As she finished reading it, tears rolled down
her cheeks. She said nothing. She just looked away like her sister always
did whenever she had to smile. Or cry.
'Are you okay?'
'I need some time alone.'
'I can explain things, Diya.'
'Just fuck off, Benoy,' she said, got up and stormed off.
I ran after her, trying to calm her, but she wouldn't listen. I followed her
to the metro station. She kept crying silently even as she boarded the metro.
'But at least say something!' I said, as she disappeared inside the metro.
Twice in two days, I had seen people I loved truly cry and walk all over
me and away. They will come back, I told myself. I was sure that they
would be sorry some day. Diya would beg me to accompany her to LSE.
And Shaina would ask me to kiss her again.
Everything will be all right, I said to myself.
I drove back home with nothing to look forward to. I checked my phone
repeatedly. No texts. No missed calls. I started to call both the sisters
incessantly, hoping to make them understand.
Diya was not replying to my messages. But she finally answered my call.
'At least say something, Diya,' I said. 'I said I'm sorry.'
'There is nothing to say, Benoy.'
'I didn't mean to hide it. But you were so—'
'Let it be. I don't want any explanations,' she grumbled.'But—'
'Benoy, just don't call me. I need to talk to my sister. I will get back to
you.'
'But—'
'Don't call me unless I do. I don't want you anywhere near me,' she said
and cut the line. I did not want her to fight with Shaina because of me, but
clearly, it was going to happen. Hours passed by, I did not hear a single
word from either of them. I was nervous and it was almost two when Diya
finally called me—her voice stern, her words straightforward.
'Hi, Benoy.'
'Hi, Diya. Look, I am sorry … but—'
'You don't have to be. I told you I love my sister way too much and I
would never let anything happen to her,' she said.
'I would—'
'Just listen, Benoy. I do not know what you feel for my sister. And I
really don't know what she feels for you. I talked to her about it and she is
not sure about you. It's better that you two don't talk,' she said, very coldly.
'I hope you listen this time.' It reminded me of the day when she first talked
to me—cold, heartless, ruthless.
'At least let me talk to her once.'
'Benoy? There is something else, too, that you need to know.'
'What is it?' I asked.
'Shaina has been seeing a guy for the last two years.'
'What? She is seeing someone? Who? Manoj?'
'Yes.'
'But she never told me about that!' I protested.
'She never told me either, Benoy,' she snapped. 'She told Manoj about
you and they broke up.'
'So that's good, right, Diya? I really like your sister. I really do, trust me.'
'NOTHING IS RIGHT, BENOY!' she shouted. 'Manoj came with his
parents to our place. He told my parents everything about their two-year-old
relationship. Dad thrashed Shaina till she almost passed out. I was there,Mom was there. Dad even accused me of being a part of it. It was Manoj
who stopped Dad and told him that he wanted to marry Shaina.'
'What did your parents say?' I asked, my heart thumping in my chest.
'They like him. I told you what they are like, Benoy. They are already
fixing dates for her engagement. They don't want people to know that
Shaina was in a relationship. You have no idea how my relatives will react,'
she said.
'What? How can they do this? I need to talk to Shaina. Please
understand, Diya. I really need to talk to her. Can I please do that?' I
begged.
'Shaina is sitting right next to me and she doesn't want to talk to you,'
Diya explained.
Every word, every sentence felt like death, permanent and damaging. I
shuddered to think what Shaina had gone through for me.
'But what do I do now?' I asked her.
'I don't know. That's for you to handle, Benoy. Please leave us alone and
go away. That's the least you can do. Please don't screw us up more,' she
said, her voice cracking.
'Can I at least talk to her?' I begged.
'No, BENOY! You can't!' she growled. 'Don't make it worse for Shaina
and me. Manoj is a nice guy and he loves her. Please leave us ALONE! And
don't ever call here again.'
Silence.
She had disconnected the call. All was lost. There was no silver lining; it
wasn't one of Shaina's poems; I wasn't getting a second chance; I wasn't
the magical puppy with broken legs, but with glittery wings. My fairy tale
had hit a road block, a dead end; the fondness, the softness of her touch, the
warm hugs, the stolen glances—all of it was a lie, a mirage, a trick to
deceive me. I started writing, hoping to put together in words what I felt,
like Shaina used to, and I wrote it down. It didn't make me feel any better.-