"Darcy Sinclair?" Carl Zeiss said with a skeptical smirk as we walked. "Sounds like a name you made up on the spot."
"So does yours," I shot back.
"That's my true name, you plaque-faced fucker!"
"So is mine, you berry-licker!"
Of course, I was lying through my teeth. I'd nicked 'Darcy' from a history book and 'Sinclair' from another. But as we bickered, the distant town grew closer, its front entrance finally visible. A new, more practical problem emerged.
"Hey, Carl," I asked, "how are we supposed to get in? We don't have any identity papers."
"Simple," he said with an air of confidence. "We tell them we are adventurers from a faraway land. We claim we encountered monsters in the forest and lost all our belongings, including our adventurer cards. They'll escort us to the Adventurer's Guild for verification. There, I will use my blood enchantment on the receptionist and have her forge us a new set of adventurer cards as a party."
"Why not just use it on the guards at the gate?"
"It takes a great deal of energy," he explained, "and an adventurer card is far more valuable. It will serve as all the legal documentation we need to live carefree, not just in this town, but across the entire kingdom."
"I didn't know you were that smart."
"Shut up, buffalo dung face."
I froze. "W-Why... why did you specifically say my face looks like buffalo dung?"
Carl just gave me a knowing smile. As the town's tall wooden gates loomed before us, he stopped and looked at me seriously. "Listen, Darcy. You must not tell anyone in this town that I am a vampire. Not the guards, not anyone. Understand?"
"Why? I can see beastmen walking in and out of the town from here. What difference does it make if you're a vampire?"
He stared at me, his red eyes wide with disbelief. "Are you really that ignorant of this world, or are you just messing with me?"
(Shit. What? Humans and vampires aren't on good terms? I thought they were, from the way he was talking to me. I've made a foolish mistake!)
Time for some Grade-A bullshit. I put on the most tragic face I could manage. "Pardon me, my dear friend. As I was a complete failure to my aristocratic family, they kept me in captivity, removing all contact from the outside world so that they wouldn't feel any humiliation..."
(PLEASE BELIEVE IT!) I screamed internally.
Carl's expression softened into one of pity. "Well then, allow me to enlighten you about the wider world."
(HE BELIEVED IT!)
"Humans and beastmen have reached a shaky peace," he explained. "But for creatures like us... creatures who are known to drink human blood... why do you think they would ever try to befriend us? You are the only crazy one who was willing to form a party with a vampire. Perhaps it really is because you know nothing of this world."
"Pretty sure I would have run away too if I didn't know you were a carrot-sucker," I muttered under my breath.
"Wait... how did you know carrots are my favorite?"
"....WHAT!?!?"
After a few more minutes of Carl giving me a crash course on this world's basic lore—explaining the name of the kingdom, the different races, and the complex and apparently bloody history between humans and vampires—we finally reached the main entrance. It was guarded by two men who looked like they hadn't slept in a week.Lets just call them Guard 1 and Guard 2. They both had dark circles under their eyes and leaned wearily on their spears.
"Stop right there," Guard 1 grunted, straightening up. "We've never seen you two around here. State your business and show us your identification."
I stepped forward, ready to unleash my carefully prepared story. "Well, you see, we are adventurers from far away! We were just coming from the Great Forest, where we found a tomb deep within its woods. We decided to raid it, only to find it was flooded with monsters! We barely escaped with our lives, and tragically lost our adventurer cards in the process..."
(Yep, he's not gonna believe it.)
"By the 'Great Forest,' you mean the Forest of Broken Vows?" Guard 1 asked, raising an eyebrow.
"YES!" we both exclaimed in unison.
"That's impossible," Guard 2 said flatly. "That forest is the most dangerous in the kingdom, filled with monsters and natural phenomena beyond understanding. Even if you were strong enough to survive, we don't see a single battle mark or injury on you."
"No, there are injuries!" I protested, pulling up my trouser leg. "Injuries from battle with a monster! See!" I showed them the scrapes and cuts I got from scrambling up that tree to escape the giant frog-thing.
Guard 2 squinted. "Tell me... why are your battle injuries on your inner thighs and arms?"
"Yes, I agree," Guard 1 chimed in. "Explain yourself."
"You... you really want to know?" I asked, feigning embarrassment.
"Yes, we do!" they both said.
"It's... it's really embarrassing for me..."
"EXPLAIN!"
I took a deep breath. "The monster... it tried to molest me!"
The guards looked at my face. Then they looked at each other. Then they looked at Carl's elegant, handsome face and said in unison, "If it was him, we might have believed it. But you?"
"Oh, damn it, it's true!" I shouted.
"Tell us the truth," Guard 1 demanded. "Where are you from, and what are you planning to do in our town, Dunford?"
While I kept arguing, Carl had been silent, staring at the ground. Guard 1 finally lost patience with me and rounded on him. "Hey! You! Answer honestly, where are you coming from?!"
Carl slowly lifted his head, a devious, wicked smile spreading across his face. It was the most terrifying expression I had ever seen.
"You really want to know?" he asked, his voice dripping with malice.
"YES!" the guard shouted.
Carl leaned in close and whispered.
"...From your momma's room."
...
That fucking carrot-sucker!!!
Yep, that's how we ended up behind bars.