Indu didn't know when it started, this slow shift in how she saw herself or how others saw her. It wasn't a sudden decision—it was more like she just woke up one day and found herself surrounded by people she didn't know, in places she never usually went, doing things that didn't feel like her at all. But somehow, it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Maybe it was her way of trying to escape the constant thoughts about Arnav, or maybe it was her way of finally convincing herself she could be different.
She had spent so many years feeling like she was invisible, trapped in her own world of uncertainty, unsure of how to break free. But now, it felt like a challenge—an experiment, perhaps. If she could stop caring so much about what people thought of her, if she could stop worrying about being the quiet, introspective girl, maybe she could be something else. Maybe she could be someone who wasn't always so wrapped up in her own head.
So she started going out more, hanging out with people who barely knew her. She would laugh and join in on conversations, things she'd never done before. She'd walk into crowded cafes with strangers and pretend to enjoy the noise, the chaos, as though it gave her some kind of freedom.
At first, it felt like a kind of release. For the first time in forever, she didn't feel like everyone was watching her, judging her. But then, as the days passed, something started to change. She felt... disconnected. Disconnected from herself. It was like she was playing a role in a life that wasn't hers, wearing a mask that didn't fit.
It didn't take long for the people around her to notice. Friends she thought she knew started looking at her with raised eyebrows. Whispers followed her around campus. What happened to Indu?She's not like this. They weren't wrong. She wasn't like this. She wasn't the carefree, spontaneous person she was pretending to be. But for some reason, the facade felt easier than being the person who sat alone, wondering if anyone would ever care enough to look her way.
But the more she played this new role, the more it felt wrong. There were moments—quiet, private moments—when she would catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror or hear her own voice in a conversation, and she wouldn't recognize herself. She didn't know who she was anymore. The girl who used to write notes about her thoughts, who found comfort in the silence of her own room, seemed to be slipping away.
In her quest to be someone else, to be noticed, to maybe even catch Arnav's attention, she had lost the one thing she had always valued most—her authenticity. And in doing so, she had started to hate the person she was becoming.
But the more she tried to pull away from this version of herself, the more it felt like she was stuck. She couldn't go back. People saw her differently now, and not in the way she wanted. They saw the girl who was suddenly hanging out with the wrong crowd, the girl who had lost her sense of direction, the girl who had changed.
And it made her wonder if Arnav saw it, too. Did he see the new Indu—the one who was trying so hard to fit in, to be someone she wasn't? Did he think she was pretending? Did he think she was just like everyone else?
The more she tried to fit in, the more she realized she was falling further from who she really was. Her heart ached with the realization that maybe Arnav never noticed her at all, maybe he never saw the quiet girl who was always quietly observing, the girl who wrote notes about him in her diary. Maybe he'd only see her as this new version, the one who was trying to be something she wasn't.
There were nights when she would go out with people she barely knew, drinking and laughing with a fake smile plastered on her face. But all she could think about was how much she wished she could just be honest with herself. To stop pretending, to stop caring about whether Arnav noticed her or not, to stop changing for the sake of others. But the fear of being judged, the fear of not being enough, held her in a tight grip.
As the weeks passed, she found herself more and more lost, more distant from the person she used to be. The weight of trying to be someone she wasn't was beginning to crush her. It wasn't just about Arnav anymore; it was about her. It was about figuring out who she really was and learning how to accept herself—something she had never truly done.
And yet, the thought of confessing her feelings to Arnav still lingered. The longing to tell him, to finally be honest, was still there. But now, it felt like a distant dream. How could she tell him anything when she didn't even know who she was anymore?
The gap between who she wanted to be and who she had become seemed impossibly wide. She wasn't sure if she would ever find a way back. And the worst part was, she wasn't sure if Arnav—or anyone, for that matter—would ever see the real her.
Maybe, for the first time, she understood what it meant to be truly lost.