Chapter 17 – A Reason to Live
"I am Subaru Natsuki, the one and only knight of Emilia… and the Champion of Satella."
Regulus stepped back, unable to believe what he was hearing. "What the hell are you talking about? None of what you said is possible! The Witch of Envy has no Archbishop, let alone a Champion! She does not show favor to anyone!"
Subaru doubled over, coughing up blood, but stood back up with a smug grin. "Well," he said weakly, "I've been told I have a knack for seducing Witches."
Regulus scoffed. "Not possible! If anyone would have her favor, it would not be a man pretending to be the Sage, but me! Regulus Corneas! The most satisfying existence in the world! What power could you possibly have that I don't?"
Subaru hummed and pretended to think. "Oh, I don't know… just the Authority of Envy." He shivered as the Witch's hand warned him not to go any further, but his eyes never left Regulus.
Regulus shook in rage. "You can't! An insolent, disgusting, pathetic little shit whose only weapon is his words cannot hold a power such as that! If that is your power, then tell me: what is the Authority of Envy? I deserve to know!"
Subaru clucked his tongue. "Now, now, that's a secret between me and my darling Satella. She'd be a bit jealous if I said anything about it." He smirked as Regulus growled. "You know, the Authority of Envy is not the only trick up my sleeve.
"I also bear the Authority of Greed."
Silence filled the room, interrupted only by Subaru's hoarse breaths. Then, suddenly, Regulus laughed.
It was not Subaru's angry, hopeless, self-loathing laugh.
It was the laugh of a madman who couldn't be bothered to take the situation seriously.
"Amazing! Perfect! Hilarious!" Regulus crowed. "You confront the Sin Archbishop of Greed, and you have the gall to claim that you have my power? Look at yourself! You are beaten, pathetic, yet you compare yourself to me? Now I know your boast was a lie, for how could you possibly think you have the Authority of Greed?"
Subaru wiped the blood pouring from his lips with a smirk. "Tell me, Regulus: when's the last time you gave your Lion's Heart to one of your wives?"
Regulus said nothing, but his derisive sneer deepened.
"No use trying it out," Subaru said flippantly. "They're all safely out of harm's way. But you wouldn't know that, would you? You have no connection to them anymore. That's because I'm here. I took your Authority. Now, your heart lies solely in you." He smirked. "Just like a mere human, Regulus."
Regulus shook with rage. "Inconceivable! Nonsensical! I am not human, for I am invincible! Do you know an invincible human? No, you do not, for they do not exist! There is only me, Regulus Corneas!
Subaru gave a cocky grin. "Invincible, huh? But without your Heart being given to someone else, it's limited to… what, five seconds?" He didn't wait for an answer. "If I keep up the pressure and force you to use Stillness of an Object's Time, you'll have to stop, and I can kill you."
Subaru coughed and sputtered as one dead man spoke to another. "You're finished, Regulus."
Regulus snarled. "You claim to steal what is rightfully mine? Laughable! Unthinkable! But I am a kind man, so I will indulge your delusions. Even if my Lion's Heart was gone, I can still overpower you with ease. You, a dying child with nothing to your name, can barely stand before me! You have nothing, so you seek the Witch's love! That is a right for me, only me! You took that away! Youyouyou are trying to take her love for yourself, just like a weakling! Weak, utterly weak, so pitiful! Do you pity me? Is that what are doing? Do not pity me! Do notnotnot pity me!"
The air between them shifted, and a massive gash appeared on Subaru's upper arm. He didn't even flinch. "After that whole speech, that's all you can manage?" he asked mockingly. "You'd think the Sin Archbishop of Greed would aspire for something more impactful."
Another shift, and part of Subaru's cheek was torn right off. In his grief, he didn't feel a thing. "Just a flesh wound," he said lightly. "Capella stabbed me in the heart. I crushed her into a singularity and removed her from existence." As if to prove his point, Subaru held out the ruby-encrusted dagger once again. "Now, are we going to do this, or not?"
Unable to hold himself back any longer, Regulus dashed forward with inhuman speed and punched Subaru straight in the gut.
One second.
Subaru's intestines ruptured and he collapsed to the floor, but he was a dying man with nothing to lose. He stabbed at Regulus's leg with as much strength as he could muster. His dagger bounced off harmlessly and Regulus kicked Subaru with enough force to send him skidding across the hall. Within an instant, Regulus was in front of Subaru, preparing for another strike.
Two seconds.
The sound of chains. A scream of rage. Like an angel of death sent to enact judgment, a blue-haired demon fell from above and landed in front of Subaru, intent on protecting him.
At that moment, she looked like his Rem, and his heart broke further.
"Apologies, Sir Subaru." Her voice echoed around the room as she gripped her morning star tight. "I was dealing with scum, but it seems like I missed one."
Three seconds.
Rem threw her chain lightning-fast, but Regulus caught it in his hands, hurling it right back. Her horn glowed brightly as she showed the world what it meant to be a demon. With a burst of power, she shouted, "Huma!"
A shield of ice, normally a simple barrier, reflected the projectile back to Regulus at twice the speed. She trailed behind it at speeds unfathomable to even the fastest of ground dragons.
Four seconds.
But a demon was nothing against an invincible foe, especially one as furious as Regulus. He tanked the flail and punched Rem in the chest. Unlike Emilia, she didn't just crash into the wall, she flew right through it. The stone shattered like glass and she crashed into the building next to them. Regulus turned and sprinted towards Subaru at near-light speed as the air between them warped and twisted.
Five seconds.
Regulus froze. The air stilled. Pain like nothing he'd ever experience gripped his heart. He looked down in disbelief, flinching back at the hatred in Subaru's dark eyes.
With the last of his breath, the dying knight condemned him. "You had hundreds of wives, desperately seeking the Witch's love." Subaru's voice was quiet, almost inaudible, but was filled with the strength of a man who had nothing left. "In the end, I am the one who owns her heart."
Invisible Providence squeezed the Lion's Heart, shattering it into a thousand pieces. Regulus Corneas, a simple human with nothing special about him, died.
With that, Subaru's adrenaline faded, and he let his head rest against the cold, marble floor. His vengeance fulfilled, he closed his eyes and smiled to himself as he awaited the Witch's hand.
Thirty seconds later, his windpipe failed, and he stopped breathing. Only a few more minutes left, and his brain would shut down.
Five minutes passed, and nothing happened. Why was he still alive? Why was he thinking, feeling, and… breathing?
He cracked his eyes open ever-so-slightly to find… a glow? And… a cat? No, a demi-human… Felix? Was he nearby and heard the wall explode when Rem crashed through it? Did it even matter?
'Please, Satella,' he begged desperately. 'Let me die. There's nothing without her.'
Nothing happened. He began to panic. If he fell unconscious after he was healed, his save point would update, and Emilia would be gone forever.
His dagger. That would solve everything. He picked it up with what little strength he had and brought it to his throat. With a growl, Felix knocked it out of his hand.
Pathetic. He couldn't even break a promise right.
Subaru closed his eyes, hoping for the cold embrace of death… and opened them to find an unfamiliar ceiling
He held his head in his hands and wailed like the pathetic weakling he was. His thoughts once again went to his dagger, but before he could act, a warm presence locked itself to his side.
He opened his eyes to see the concerned face of his spirit. Shame filled him. He was so caught up in his grief that he didn't even consider the girl that he viewed as a daughter.
He felt as despicable as the Sage.
He reached out to pat her head, but his movements were sluggish. There was no point in trying anymore. He'd simply comfort her for a moment, make an excuse to have some alone time, and kill himself.
That's all that remained for him in this timeline.
"Beatrice…" he whispered, unable to muster the energy to speak clearly. "Are you okay?"
She buried her face into his shoulder, like a child seeking comfort from her father. "Don't worry about me, in fact." She matched his volume as if to make sure he wouldn't feel alone. "I was able to absorb enough ambient mana to regain consciousness, then took the rest from you, I suppose." She raised her head, butterfly pupils shining with concern, and said, "I'm more worried about you, I suppose."
He looked at her incredulously. "Me," he breathed as he flared with indignation. "You're worried about me."
She tilted her head in confusion. "Of course, I'm worried," she said innocently. "You nearly died, I suppose."
A surge of energy flowed through his veins as rage filled his heart. "Who cares about nearly?" he yelled, though he didn't know if his anger was directed at Beatrice or life itself. "Emilia is dead! The woman I love more than anything is gone!"
He buried his face in his hands, unable to face reality head-on. With nothing else left for him in this timeline, he felt for his knife, only to find it missing. In a panic, he reached inwards with Invisible Providence, seeing if he can grab his own heart like the Witch did. Firmly grasping it, he began to squeeze and –
Beatrice, unaware of Subaru's actions, patted his hand soothingly. "You're confused, I suppose. Emilia is fine, in fact."
Subaru stopped short as he let go of his heart. "I'm… But she's… What?"
"Hmph. Must Betty repeat herself, I wonder?" She tried to look annoyed but seemed more relieved than anything else. "Emilia had a minor concussion and nothing else, I suppose. She's resting in the next room, in fact. The maid is unharmed and sleeping, before you ask. She's quite resilient, I suppose."
"Wait, I don't understand," he gasped out. "Cor Leonis… and Emilia's light –"
Never went out.
It disappeared into the shadows.
'Thank you, Ella,' he whispered in his mind, hoping that she could hear him. 'From the bottom of my heart, thank you for saving Emilia. I love you so, so much.'
He was probably imagining it, but he could have sworn that a cold hand cupped his cheek, stroking it lovingly.
Beatrice grabbed his hand, remarking, "Subaru's face is scrunched up weirdly, I suppose."
He managed to chuckle. "You'll understand when you fall in love."
Utterly serious, she responded, "Betty doesn't need to fall in love when she has her Subaru."
He felt a lump in his throat. All he could do was gather the girl in his arms and hug her as tight as possible. They remained in that position for some time before she broke the silence. "We need to talk, I suppose," she said quietly, refusing to meet his eyes.
He gasped loudly and clutched his chest. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed, fighting off a grin. "Are you breaking up with me? Do not devastate my heart so, my dearest Beako!"
She huffed and glared at him. "I'm serious, in fact," she scolded.
He shoved down his smile. "Sorry, sorry. What's up?"
She bit her lip; a habit she'd most likely picked up from Emilia or Satella. "Do you remember what you did before falling unconscious, I wonder?"
Of course, he remembered. "I killed Regulus," he said proudly. He had help, sure, but in the end, it was him. Not Reinhard, Julius, or any of the other knights that were much more powerful than him.
Subaru Natsuki, Emilia's one and only knight, killed the Sin Archbishop of Greed.
Beatrice must have been thinking something along the same lines for a burst of pride entered her eyes. A moment later, however, she squashed it down. "That's not – we'll get into that later, I suppose." Her eyes grew sad. "I meant what happened after that, in fact," she mumbled.
He tried to feign ignorance, but one look at her knowing gaze and he knew it was pointless.
"I woke up and saw some of it," she said softly, and his heart broke. "I hadn't recovered enough mana to hear anything, but I saw you get hurt, and I couldn't help you."
He remembered all the times she had said she'd get nightmares if she saw him die, and that was before they were contracted. He couldn't imagine how she was feeling now. He reached out to comfort her, but she twisted away, vehemently saying, "Betty was supposed to protect you, but she couldn't! And then you… you tried to –" She cut herself off, unable to say it out loud.
She rapidly clenched and unclenched her tiny fists, shaking slightly. "I want to be angry, I suppose," she whispered brokenly. "I want to yell at you, but I can't, in fact. For four hundred years, I wanted the same thing, but now…" Tears leaked from her eyes. "Now, I have Subaru, and the thought of being alone again…"
"I'm not going anywhere, Beako," he insisted. "I'm right here."
"But you almost did, in fact," she said, sorrow etched upon her face. "You promised to stay by Betty's side, and you tried to leave Betty!"
He still didn't understand why she was so upset. Why did she feel this way? Why did she care so much?
He knew she would grieve his death. Satella helped him realize that. Still, he didn't know why.
If Return by Death stopped working, would it really make a difference? A couple of people would be sad for a moment, sure, but they'd move on and would eventually realize how much better off they were.
He had done horrible, horrible things. Everything was his fault. There's no way he would ever be forgiven, and he wasn't sure he wanted that. He deserved retribution, not forgiveness. Even in this life, he was a mess. Every day, Beatrice dealt with his self-harm. He spat in the face of Emilia's affection by loving another woman. He projected a dead woman onto Rem. Puck hardly ever saw his daughter. Satella watched him from her shrine, fighting off a demon he created.
All Subaru did was hurt the people he loved. They'd be better off if he never came into their lives. So, why the hell should it matter if he died?
The only thing he was good for was undoing their deaths.
Somewhat aware of his tumultuous thoughts, Beatrice reached out to hold his hand. Her small, soft fingers intertwined with his. "You gave up, I suppose," she whispered, pain evident in her every word.
He looked at their clasped hands, wondering why she chose him. "I thought Emilia was dead," he said flatly. "There's nothing without her. That's what it means to be in love. When she dies, I die, too."
But that wasn't the full truth, was it? Subaru was a wreck with or without Emilia.
On a dark, stormy night, a young man with nothing to his name shot himself in an alleyway. On a whim, the Od Laguna deemed him a befitting companion to a young half-elf, and Subaru's soul was sent into the arms of Satella.
After skipping school for five months in a row, Subaru Natsuki realized how much of a waste of space he was. His parents would have been so much better off without him. So, he stole his mother's anxiety medication and downed it all. In a daze, he made his way to the convenience store, inching closer to death every moment. Mere moments before he could pass on, the Witch's hands grabbed his heart and he blearily opened his eyes in the Lugunican Royal Capital.
Subaru killed himself for Rem, twice. Sure, he knew he'd come back in those cases, but did that mean anything? The first time, he had barely known her, and she had brutally murdered him in the prior loops. He didn't jump off that cliff to save her. He jumped off it because he deserved to die.
Now, he tried to kill himself because he let Emilia die. He chose to save her over everyone else.
Everyone, including the girl in front of him.
"What about me?" Beatrice shot back. "My life is tied to yours, in fact."
His mouth dried up. "You can break the contract and go back to using the Forbidden Library for mana," he reminded her, but it felt hollow.
A spark of anger entered her eyes. "That's not the point, and you know it, I suppose!"
"Then what is the point?" he snapped, lashing out at the person who deserved it the least. She flinched at his verbal abuse, but he didn't let up. "You told me that you lived for me! What would you do if I died?"
He knew he was being cruel, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
She gripped his hand tighter, surprising him with her strength. "Betty would live for your memory!" she shouted. Her eyes flicked to the shut door, making sure no one would hear them before turning her ire back to Subaru. "It doesn't matter how hopeless or depressed you get, I suppose! You're the one who taught me that death was not the answer, in fact!"
"That's because you don't deserve to die!" he yelled. "You sat in that library, doing nothing wrong except being too damn adorable, while I was out there fucking up the world!" His entire body trembled, but he refused to let the tears fall. "It's not even just back then, but now. I led you all into danger for my own selfish desires. When you get hurt, it's my fault!"
Beatrice scoffed. "How self-centered you must be to think you're the only reason we're here," she mocked. "Do you think we like the Witch's Cult, I wonder?"
She narrowed her eyes at his shocked face, saying, "You must be messing with Betty, I suppose. No one is this oblivious, in fact."
Apparently, Subaru was. "What are you talking about?" he asked incredulously. "I led you directly to Regulus!"
She shook her head. "You're our leader, and the banner we fight under," she admitted ruefully, "but we fight because it's what we believe in, I suppose."
He looked away, his anger melting away into confusion. "You wouldn't be in this situation if not for me," he pointed out quietly.
"That's true, I suppose," she conceded, "but we would not follow you if we did not believe in your cause." Her eyes softened. "We believe in you, Subaru, and we are here because we want to be here, in fact."
A lump formed in his throat. "But still, you were hurt," he retorted.
"You were hurt worse, in fact," she said stubbornly.
That was fine. It was his retribution.
She reached out and placed a small hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "You don't see it," she realized. "All the people who love you, I suppose. The people who fight beside you. You don't see that people would miss you, in fact."
He shook his head vehemently. "I see it," he insisted. "I just know that you're wrong. You think you love me, but you'll get along just fine without me."
Her face fell further. "Then you don't truly see it, I suppose." She was quiet for a moment. "Subaru… what is your reason to live, I wonder?"
He didn't even need to think about it. "Emilia and Satella," he answered instantly.
"They're not your reason to live, I suppose," Beatrice said sadly like she realized that would be his answer. "If they were, you would not have tried to hurt yourself, in fact."
She could see he was getting frustrated with his lack of understanding, or perhaps her perceived misunderstanding. She drained a bit of his mana, trying to take the edge off. That way, he would truly listen to her. "You are Betty's reason to live, in fact." She hugged his arm tight, as if afraid that he would disappear if she let go. "Every day, Betty wakes up, thankful to be by your side, I suppose. Betty loves her Subaru more than anything else."
He frowned at the contradiction. "You said you'd go on without me," he reminded her. "I can't be your reason to live."
She narrowed her eyes and said lowly, "Let me ask you something, I suppose. Do you want Betty to die, I wonder?"
He reeled back as if struck. "What the hell kind of question is that? Of course, I don't!"
She nodded, satisfied with his answer. "And that's why Betty will live, even if you die."
He didn't understand. He couldn't understand.
His reason to live was Emilia. His knife was always handy, ready for him to stab himself in the throat if need be. He would save her, no matter how much it hurt.
His reason to live was Satella. He never told Beatrice or Emilia, but on one cold, cruel night, he decided to leave it all to his next incarnation. He laid there, bleeding out in the Watchtower, wearing his first smile in months, for she would be saved in his next life.
They were his reason to live, and that's why he killed himself.
And that's when he realized that he was looking at it the wrong way.
Emilia and Satella were his reason to die.
What a wretched, slothful existence.
Beatrice's eyes softened. "Now, you understand," she whispered gently. "You need to find your reason to live, I suppose. I know it's not me, but that's fine, in fact. There are different kinds of love, and I know that I'm still important to you, I suppose."
She leaned into him, letting him play with her hair the way she knew he liked to. She would never admit it, but she liked it, too. Even in his miserable state, his deft fingers masterfully weaved in and out of her blond locks, tenderly massaging her scalp. He played each strand of hair like the strings of the finest harp, performing for an audience of one.
Her lips wavered as it truly dawned on her just how close she was to losing moments like these, to losing him, but she pushed her grief down. She needed to remain strong for her contractor. So, she wrapped her arms around him, the way she always did after his nightmares, and whispered, "Let Betty help you find your reason, I suppose."
He clung to her like a lifeline and kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much, Beako," he said softly. "I can't live without you."
She relaxed into his embrace and laid her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It had almost stopped, and she would never take it for granted again. "Betty loves her Subaru, too," she said, though it was muffled by his shirt. "Even if you don't understand why, just remember that it's true, I suppose."
He averted his eyes. "Okay," he said at length. "I'll remember."
"Promise," she begged. "You broke your promise, so I need you to give Betty a new one."
"A lying promise-breaker," Emilia had shouted at him in the tomb. To think that over a year later, he still hadn't changed… He hated it, hated himself. He hated making baseless oaths. He hated doing things purely for his own personal gain.
From now on, he would only promise something when he intended to uphold his end of the bargain.
"I promise, Beatrice," he said quietly but sincerely. "I know that doesn't mean much right now, so for proof, I'll add it as a rule to our contract."
Her eyes widened. "You mean it?"
Contracts were only modified in drastic cases, like with Emilia and Puck when they needed to change the flow of mana. Subaru hated to admit it, but this was also a life-or-death situation. He managed a shaky smile. "You got to make five rules as my spirit, so it's only fair I make one as your contractor, right?"
She nodded furiously and held her palm out, saying, "Name your terms."
Subaru looked at her with determination and created the most important rule of their contract.
Six: I will always be Betty's Subaru, and I will never leave you.
The Od Laguna imprinted the solemn vow upon their very souls: a promise that would never fade, for nothing could break the terms of their contract.
She looked at their entwined fingers in awe, feeling the magic flow through them, before adopting a stern expression. "This doesn't change anything," she reminded him. "I'm still mad at you, I suppose."
He bowed his head with a smirk. "Forgive me, Dearest Beako, for I have sinned."
Clearly, that was the wrong answer. "No more joking about your pain," she reprimanded. "It makes Betty sad, and that breaks Unofficial Rule Number One of our contract: No sadness allowed."
He chuckled a bit. "I think I've broken that rule one too many times, but whatever. I'll try not to joke about suffering."
"Good, I suppose," she said with a nod. She hopped off the bed and offered him her hand. "Ready, I wonder?"
Raising his eyebrows, he asked. "Ready for what?"
She gave him a look that clearly said she thought he was hopeless. "I said that was your last chance, remember? You're going to go tell Emilia what happened, I suppose."
He glared at her. "No way," he said with a tone that brooked no argument. "I'm not putting her through that."
"Stop being so selfless," she snapped. "You need all the support you can get, in fact."
"I'll just feel worse if I upset her," he said angrily.
She crossed her arms. "You're not being Betty's Subaru," she said lowly. "Betty's Subaru isn't a coward, and you made a promise to always be him."
They stared each other down before he relented. "Fine," he muttered, resigned. Once again, she offered him her hand, and he slowly slid off the bed. Almost immediately, he collapsed.
"Damn it," he grunted. With Beatrice's help, he managed to stand, although he was still a bit unsteady. He grimaced, asking, "Felix healed me, right? They say he's the best healer in Lugunica, but he's nothing compared to you."
She winced, and his frown deepened. In sheer disbelief, he asked, "Wait, you don't actually blame yourself for any of this, right?"
She looked at him guiltily. "Betty knew you were feeling that way, so she promised herself to never let you out of her sight, I suppose. Then, Betty let herself fall unconscious, in fact."
He gaped at her. "That's ridiculous," he exclaimed. "None of this is your fault!"
She averted her eyes and stubbornly said, "Subaru has no right to dissuade anyone from feeling self-blame, I suppose." At his silence, she pressed on, bitterly saying, "Subaru left my sight for less than ten minutes and almost died. It's Betty's fault.
It was twisted logic, but he employed it all the time if it meant criticizing himself. He narrowed his eyes. "You're learning from me," he grumbled, "and I hate it."
She gave him a wry grin. "That's what it means to be a spirit and contractor." She squeezed his hand. "Let's go, I suppose. Your little girlfriend is worried about you."
Crusch's estate was massive, but Emilia had been placed in a room down the hall, so it was an easy trip. She was sitting up in bed, staring listlessly at her lap. Subaru softly called out her name and she whipped around to face him. Her amethyst eyes, red-rimmed from crying, lit up at the sight of him. "Subaru!" she exclaimed, clearly relieved.
He waved back weakly. "Hey, Emilia-tan."
Beatrice gently pushed him forward, saying, "I'll leave you two alone, I suppose. Don't forget your promise to me."
Emilia looked at Subaru strangely after Beatrice left. "What promise?" she asked.
He shifted uncomfortably, dreading the upcoming conversation. "I'll explain soon enough, but right now…"
She gazed at him with eyes that had seen too much. She needed him, too.
He sat down on the bed and wrapped an arm around her as she leaned into his embrace. He held her to his chest, placing gentle kisses on her silver hair. Eventually, his lips found hers, and the world was forgotten for the moment.
He tried to die to have another moment like this. By dying, he risked giving it up forever.
He attempted to pull away, but she dragged him back in to kiss him again. Desperation coated her every movement as she left gracefulness behind in favor of passion. She had yearned for his touch for months, and the day after he finally gifted her with it, he almost left her. She never wanted to let go, but humans needed to breathe, and half-elves were no different. Her lips left his, but her grip on his arms remained firm.
"I'm just glad you're okay," he told her. "I thought you died, Emilia."
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "Me?" she asked incredulously. "I thought you died! I-I thought I was alone again!"
A pang of guilt shot through him. "I'm not going anywhere," he promised.
'Even though I almost did,' he thought ruefully.
"You can't go," she begged. "I need you, Subaru."
"And I need you, Emilia." So much so, he would die for her. "I love you."
"I love you, too," she said softly. How long had he waited to hear those wonderful words? She snaked a hand around his neck, pulling him in. "I love you more than anything. I can't live without you."
Her tears were salty, but her kiss was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted.
He didn't deserve her. He never would, but he'd try his best to be a man worthy of standing by her side. That meant he'd have to keep his promises, including the one he made to Beatrice.
His entire body tensed, but he forced the words out. "Listen, I… I messed up, Emilia. I messed up really bad."
She shook her head. "You didn't mess up," she said with a hint of pride. "The man who destroyed my home… You stopped him. You killed Regulus." Her face fell as she cast her eyes downward. "I'm the one who messed up. I did nothing. The entire time, I was unconscious."
Fountains of blood flashed before his mind's eye. "You weren't just unconscious," he confessed with haunted eyes. At her confused look, he asked, "Do you remember what Regulus did to you?"
She tapped a finger to her chin. "It's a bit fuzzy… He knocked me into a wall, right?" She nodded to herself, saying, "Yeah, that seems right. I had a bunch of bruises and a concussion, but Felix fixed me right up before taking us to Crusch's mansion."
Subaru let out a shaky breath. "That's… that's good, yeah."
He never wanted her to remember.
She tilted her head. "Why do you ask?"
How much should he say? "Your injuries were a lot worse than that. I think…" He looked towards the door, making sure it was shut. "I think she saved you."
He didn't need to specify who she was.
Emilia's eyes widened before her features softened into a smile. "That explains why there were shadows," she mused. "I thought it was simply a result of losing consciousness. It seems there's yet another thing I have to thank her for."
"Another?" he asked.
She leaned into his embrace. "Mhm. She keeps you safe."
He wanted to leave it at that; end the emotional moment on a touching note as he held the woman he loved… but Subaru didn't deserve that, and Emilia deserved better.
So, with bated breath, he told her the truth: how, when he thought she died, he tried to join her.
Return by Death wasn't an excuse. He simply gave up on life, and now he had to face the consequences. He wasn't sure exactly what was coming, but what he knew was that he broke his promise to Emilia. His second trial burned through his mind.
"Liar!" Emilia had screamed over his bloodied corpse. "Subaru, you liar! You said you loved me! You promised to stay by my side!"
To keep himself sane, Subaru had to view this as one looping timeline. There were no parallel universes. However, if that was false, and he truly was going to another world, then he would have left Emilia alone.
'Just like in the Tower,' he thought bitterly before pushing it down.
Even in Japan, he'd lived in two alternate realities: one with parents, and one without. Hell, he was literally in another world right now. Was it so far-fetched to think that Return by Death sent him to another reality?
It was possible. No, more than possible. Who knows how many times he left everyone behind?
He was a liar. A lying promise-breaker who didn't have the strength to stand by Emilia's side. So, he would accept her rejection. Her anger. Her resentment.
...Except that's not how Emilia worked.
"Don't leave me," she whispered as she clung desperately to him. "Don't go."
He gaped at her. "What are you –"
"Please." Her voice was small. Weak. Shaken. The voice of a young girl afraid of losing everything. "I can't live without you, Subaru. I can't. Please, don't leave me."
After hearing her broken voice, he almost wished for her to condemn him. "H-hey, I'm right here, yeah?" He wiped her tears, but dozens more replaced it.
She buried her face in the crook of his neck as hot tears soaked his shoulder. "Need you… You can't… Love you… Don't…"
He tried to comfort her, but she kept repeating broken phrases and pleas. He'd kiss her forehead, stroke her hair, rub her back… everything that calmed her down when the memories became too much, but nothing worked.
She was in hysterics because of him, yet all he could do was apologize.
For over an hour, she wept. She was unable to form a coherent thought, let alone speak one. The mere idea that he could die left her nearly catatonic.
For the first time, he was glad she didn't know about Return by Death.
Slowly but surely, her sobs turned to hiccups, but her grip on him did not lessen. "Did you mean it?" she asked quietly, unevenly, her tumultuous emotions preventing her from speaking clearly.
"What, my apology?" he asked, sweeping her hair out of her face. "Of course, I meant it."
She shook her head vehemently as she scrunched up his shirt in her fists. "That's not what I meant, you blockhead."
He rolled his eyes. "No one says –"
"Were you lying when you said you loved me?"
With those few words, Subaru's heart shattered to pieces. "What?" he asked in disbelief. "How can you say something like that?"
She began to shake as her grip tightened. "When you love someone, you stay by their side. You don't abandon them." Fresh tears poured down her cheeks as her voice wavered even further. "W-we were supposed to be a team, Subaru, but you left me," she croaked. "Does that mean –"
"No!" he shouted, startling her. "I love you more than life itself, Emilia!"
She let out a choked laugh. "Well, that clearly isn't very much."
He winced. "Look, I…" He took a deep breath. "I just wanted to save you."
She pushed off him, suddenly furious. "How?!" she yelled as her sobs intensified. "How would dying save me?!"
He reached out for her, but she backed away. "I don't understand!" she cried. "Why would you do that? Why would you hurt yourself?" Horror filled her eyes. "It's my fault, isn't it? You wouldn't have done this if not for me!"
He opened his mouth to rebuke her, to tell her that he killed himself before, but the world stopped. A hand reached out to caress his heart, but it did not squeeze. It was gentle, loving. Not a threat, but a warning.
It was not the Witch's hand, but Satella's.
She knew he wasn't going to mention Return by Death, but the Sage's suicide. It would have proved his point, yes, but it wouldn't be the correct way forward. It would break her even further.
Once again, she wasn't just looking out for him… but for Emilia.
The world resumed, and he took a deep breath, keeping his face carefully blank. "I was a mess," he told her instead, "and I wasn't thinking clearly. I swear, at that moment, I thought that dying would have fixed everything. None of that is your fault."
She searched his eyes, looking for any signs of deceit. Then, in a small voice filled with resignation, she muttered, "This is madness."
"I'm not lying," he insisted.
"I know you're not," she said lowly. "I just… I don't understand, Subaru. What could have possibly led you to believe such a stupid thing? Was it from blood loss? A concussion? Some curse that causes temporary insanity?"
He flinched, hating that he had to keep using this line. "I can't tell you."
She frowned as if expecting that answer. "I want to believe you," she said quietly before shaking her head. "No, I do believe you, and that's the concerning part."
He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "Thank you, really, I –"
"You're under constant watch," she declared. "I will not be leaving your side for an instant."
Her voice shook, but she pressed onward. "You… You fell under this insane idea that killing yourself would save my life." Her fists clenched as if the mere idea caused her indescribable pain. "What if that happened again? What would I do? How could I go on?"
"You'd be fine," he wanted to say, but couldn't. As much as he claimed that everyone would be okay without him, he knew for a fact that Emilia would be dead if not for his intervention.
Even so, something told him that she wasn't talking about her physical state.
She took several shuddering breaths, the fight leaving her with each exhale. Sorrow replaced the anger as she moved to sit by his side with guilt in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said softly.
He looked at her in surprise. "What are you sorry for?" he asked incredulously. "I almost killed myself!"
She flinched, and he felt a dozen times worse. Slowly, like she wasn't sure she had permission anymore, she reached out to grab his hand. "That's why I'm sorry," she explained sadly. "You're in pain, and I'm only thinking about myself."
He shook his head. "You have every right to be upset," he admitted, shamefaced. "What I did was selfish. Even if you were dead, and if me dying would have saved you, I'd still be leaving this world behind, and that's wrong. Beatrice would lose her contractor, and..." he gulped, "...who knows how long she would wait before my next incarnation showed up, let alone one with my memories?"
Emilia gently stroked the back of his hand with her thumb. "Too long," she whispered. "Perhaps another four hundred years too long." He flinched, but she pressed onwards. "Juice would remain insane, and…" She took a shaky breath like she couldn't believe she was about to say this. "...Shaula would still be stuck in the Tower."
It was like she punched him in the gut, harder than Regulus ever could. Tears leaked from his eyes, and she leaned forward to wipe them away.
"You see it now," she said softly as she stared into his eyes, "don't you? You're important to so many people. You're loved by all you meet." Her amethyst eyes, no longer shedding tears as she remained strong for him, pierced into his soul. "I love you, Subaru Natsuki. You saved my life. No matter what becomes of me, that fact will never change."
"But there's nothing without you," he argued, his voice weak. "How can I go on without the woman I love?"
"Don't worry about that," she said, smiling fondly at him. "We're going to make it to the end, hand in hand. I won't die that easily, not with my knight by my side."
"But what if you do?" he shot back. Her countless deaths played out in his mind's eye. Not once did he regret following her into the Reaper's cold embrace. "What do I live for if you're gone?"
She wrapped her arms around his neck, whispering, "You'll live for my memory."
His breath caught in his throat. Beatrice had said something similar as if it were obvious. Did it really work like that? Could he truly live for someone's memory?
Emilia stroked his cheek, knowing full well what was going through his mind. "If you died," she said quietly, "I'd be beyond devastated. I wouldn't ever be the same. I couldn't move past it. I wouldn't be surprised if I –" She cut herself off, shaking her head to clear it. "However, every moment of every day, I'd remember how you saved me. I'd remember your smile when you said you loved me. I'd remember how it felt to hold you or to kiss you."
The smallest of smiles danced upon her lips as she pressed her fingers to them, reliving his warmth. She kissed him again as if to test that her memory was accurate, and she smiled as she was proven right. "I love you. If you died, I can't see myself ever loving again because you'd always be in my heart. You're my reason to live, whether you're by my side or not."
He shook his head. That was not how it worked. Not with him. "I'm not like you," he said stubbornly. "I can't do that. No mere memory compares to having you by my side."
Her amethyst eyes gleamed like the finest of diamonds as she leaned her forehead against his. "Then it's good we're never going to get to that point," she whispered before momentarily pressing her lips to his. He felt the same jolt he always did, but it was dulled by memories of her deaths.
That couldn't happen. He couldn't lose her again. He'd do everything he could to save her. Reason to live or not, he'd be damned if he let anything happen to her. He would make her the Queen of Lugunica, where he would proudly stand by her side as her knight.
Did he have the strength to do such a thing? He was done making promises he couldn't keep, so could he really promise to make it to the end without dying?
...Yeah. He could.
He killed multiple Sin Archbishops. He plotted the demise of countless unstoppable foes. Those were his actions… not the Sage's.
If he could fight so hard for her, then surely, he could protect her.
And... he could learn to live for her, too.
Emilia pulled back slowly, saying, "I'll always be by your side, Subaru. Through thick and thin, for better or for worse, I'm right here." He couldn't see it, being so close to her face, but he could feel her smile. "Do you know why that is?"
He took a shuddering breath before saying, "Because I'm your reason to live."
She hummed, satisfied that he understood. "I know that, deep down, I'm your reason as well," she admitted. Her warm fingers danced on his neck as she smiled comfortingly at him. "But right now, you're not doing so well."
He didn't respond. He didn't need to.
Their breaths intermingled as she held him close. "I know you don't like yourself very much," she whispered, "even though I think you're marvelous."
"No one says that in real life," he mumbled, but his heart wasn't into it.
She smiled at him, and his breath caught in his throat. "It's a good word to describe you," she said earnestly. "Every day, I'm going to make sure you know how marvelous you are. Every day, I'm going to show you how much I love you." Her grip on him tightened as her eyes shone with determination. "Every day, I'm going to give you a memory worth living for."
He choked up. "You don't have to do that," he muttered.
"I want to," she said earnestly. "I want you to see yourself the way I see you."
She gently pushed him back on the bed, laying his head on the pillow as she stroked his cheek. "I love that you make me a stronger person," she whispered, for her words were meant for him and him alone. "I love how you hold me when the nightmares become too much, and how you grant me the strength to overcome them."
She lied on top of him, their lips inches apart as his arms snaked around her waist. "I love your eyes," she said quietly, taking a moment to admire them. She wiped the tears that fell from them, smiling as they gazed back up at her in wonder. "People say they're scary, but I see kindness. They're the eyes that asked to be my friend when I had none, and the ones that gave me love in a loveless world."
She kissed him, lighting a fire through his body. He let a hand creep up her back to rest between her shoulder blades, gently pushing her into him. Everything about her was so warm, so soft, and his heart ached when she pulled back.
"I love your compassion," she murmured breathlessly. "Even when someone is cruel to you, you see their pain and try to save them."
His lips locked to hers as his body said what he could not.
For over ten minutes, Emilia declared everything she loved about him, kissing him between each statement. Overwhelmed as he was, Subaru was not able to respond verbally. He simply drowned in her affection, wondering how he got so lucky.
He had never been happier than when she informed him that they'd be doing that every day for the rest of their lives.
She lay beside him, idly drawing circles on his chest as she smiled lazily at him. "I don't know about you," she said with a blush, "but I think that was a memory worth living for."
He merely laid still, unable to believe what just happened. Maybe it was simply the adrenaline running through his body, but right then, he realized what it meant to live for someone.
It wasn't merely to fight to save them. It wasn't only to sacrifice himself for their survival.
It was to love and be loved. To give and to take. To live life to the fullest, because his happiness was theirs.
Had Subaru ever had that kind of relationship before?
Looking back on it, he and Satella were like that… but they lost it. As she became increasingly sick, his sanity fell by the wayside. He became possessive. Dangerous. Angry. He would have sacrificed the world to keep her safe. He loved her unconditionally, of that there was no doubt, but he was not of sound mind. His love was toxic and harmed her more than helped. To this day, he didn't understand why she stayed with him, let alone continued to love him.
With Emilia, Subaru would give up everything for her. While not as bad as the Sage, Subaru had still been possessive over her. He remembered how jealous he acted towards Julius, and how terrified he was of letting her out of his sight. He made a fool of himself in the name of love, but it was merely lust and his own self-serving ideology. He treated her like a doll whose only purpose was to boost his confidence.
But he wasn't the same Subaru, was he?
He didn't know how he'd act if she died again. He wasn't sure if he could stop himself from committing suicide. As long as he had Return by Death, that was an option for him.
That's exactly why he would not let her die. He would protect her from the machinations of a monster.
Emilia was his reason to live, and he told her so.
At that, she smiled wider than he'd ever seen, and she held him yet again. She laid on him as her lips caressed his. She threaded her hands through his hair as warmth and love flowed through him. He had never felt so lucky, so happy, so fulfilled. He would live for moments like these, and he would never forget them.
For the first time in centuries, Subaru Natsuki remembered what it meant to be in love, and he reveled in that sensation for hours.
The sun was high in the sky when Beatrice found Subaru and Emilia curled up against each other, Emilia's head on her lover's chest.
"Pathetic, I suppose," said Beatrice with crossed arms.
Not a trace of annoyance could be found in her voice.
"You tell Betty you love her, yet you immediately run to another woman's side, in fact." Her butterfly eyes danced with mirth. "It seems my contractor's misadventures with women spread further than I thought, I suppose."
Emilia giggled and Subaru gasped dramatically. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed. "My one true waifu, my dearest Beako, has found me with a fair maiden!" He slapped the back of his hand against his forehead and pretended to faint. "Whatever shall I do?"
"Beg for my forgiveness, I suppose," Beatrice deadpanned. Her eyes softened. "How are you feeling, Subaru?"
Subaru opened his mouth to say he was fine, but it was a loaded question, and she deserved a proper answer.
As long as he had Return by Death, he would suffer. He would never again use Return by Death.
He was alone in his grief, for he could not speak of it, and they would break if he were able to tell them. He was never alone because his family loved him.
He was haunted by his actions as the Sage. He had a chance to make things right.
He was constantly hurting his loved ones, and he didn't understand why they stayed with him. They loved him unconditionally, and he would cherish them forever.
He no longer had a reason to die, but he had many reasons to live.
Subaru looked Beatrice in the eye, gave her a genuine smile, and spoke from the heart.
"I'm glad I'm here."