Chapter 83
Alex stared at the two of them until she finally questioned, "What are you doing?"
"Treasure hunting," they replied together.
"Wow," Claire exclaimed, already sighing.
"So you're really going under the house to see what's there?" I asked, half‑rhetorical. The whole week they had been daydreaming about what could be down there.
"Yeah, don't you want to come?" Phil invited me again.
I shook my head. "No, thanks. I'm a bit claustrophobic." Seeing Luke's confused face, I clarified, "I don't like tight, enclosed spaces like that crawl space."
That photo of the guy who got stuck and died inside Nutty Putty Cave still haunts me...
"So you're afraid?" Luke asked, half‑mocking.
"Yeah, a bit," I didn't deny it, "but we can do other awesome things, like learning to surf in Malibu," I suggested.
Alex Kelly had mentioned it before, and it caught my interest - we could practice right in front of dad's house.
"Cool!" Luke got excited, but his mother quickly turn it down. "Nope! Not gonna happen!"
"Aunt Claire, you don't need to worry. It won't be just one instructor - there will be lifeguards on the sand, one on a jet ski, and another in a farther boat," I defended, assuring her it wasn't dangerous.
"We can talk about it later," Phil said - not thrilled with the idea either, though for a different reason. "Let's go, buddy." He pulled Luke outside.
"Alex, should we buy you some shoes?" I offered to my cousin.
"I said I'm not going to the party," she insisted.
I looked directly at her. "You're very cute, Alex - someone is going to ask you to dance."
She was caught off guard, embarrassed, then retorted, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"What? We are both intelligent, Alex. Let's save it." And I continued, "You also know I don't sugarcoat things. I mean that," I reinforced.
"You're a young beauty. If you were three years older and we weren't related, I'd totally hit on you."
She opened and closed her mouth, but no words came out.
"Believe me, cousin - almost all my regrets came from things I didn't do," I spoke more soberly. "It's normal to be afraid, but don't run from it."
She shifted awkwardly. "And what if no one asks?"
"Their loss - they'd lose the chance to dance with a beautiful, intelligent, and slightly snappy girl," I smiled. "And if you call me, I'll show up in a limousine with everything money can buy and dance with you myself."
"Please don't," she shut the idea down immediately.
"Yeah, Jake is a horrible dancer," Marissa intervened
I gasped, "Hey, Coop!", but I revealed, "I'm taking dance classes with Summer - I'm getting awesome!"
"I can teach you how to dance," Claire declared and began dancing.
I frowned, "I'm better than that, right?"
Marissa nodded, unsure how to react while watching my aunt dance very awkwardly.
"Oh my God. You and Dad together suddenly make so much sense," Alex commented sarcastically, then added, "Mom, stop. I know how to dance," before heading to her room to change.
After Alex left, Claire patted my shoulder, "Thank you for that, Jake."
"No need. She's like a little sister to me, just like Haley," I told her. "And I mean it - if we were the same age and not related, I would date her."
"Face it, Aunt Claire, you'd love having me as a son‑in‑law." I smirked.
"No!" she denied promptly, then after a moment added, "Definitely not! You and Alex would give me gray hair even faster!"
"Coop?" I saw her spacing out.
"I wish I had someone like you when I was fourteen..." she admitted softly. "I mean - the way you are with Alex."
"You have now," I pointed out. "You're only two-and-a-bit years older than her - and not much more mature," I joked, earning a playful shove from her.
Claire went with Haley to her driver's license test, while we three went to the mall.
I convinced my cousin to listen to Marissa and buy some new clothes as well. She became way more fashionable - which wasn't too difficult, considering Alex had a rather dubious taste in style.
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Haley had (surprisely) passed her test and joined us. Marissa and Haley in a shopping mall would take forever, so I escaped with Alex.
I returned to Brentwood.
Entering the kitchen, I saw Jay and Gloria. "My good family, what party is this?" I inquired, since I had just heard Gloria mention one.
"I dunno, I understand about 20% of what goes on around here," Jay said while still reading the newspaper.
I commented dryly, "I think 20% is way too much for you, Uncle Jay"
Gloria chuckled, then detailed, "Manny showed up a little while ago with an excuse that he was sick and that it was better not to go to the party tomorrow."
I raised an eyebrow, "The one at the amusement park, right?"
"Jess (yes)," she confirmed, "Manny is afraid of roller coasters."
"Poor kid," Jay muttered absently.
"Jay, he won't admit it, but I know that Manny's sad because he will miss the party. Why don't we take him somewhere to take his mind off it, hmm?" Gloria suggested, "How about we take him to the pier and go fishing?"
"He likes to fish?"
"Yeah. He comes from a long line of fishermen and smugglers." Gloria boasted proudly, "But I encourage the fishing." she added.
Jay stood up and left the newspaper on the table, "Okay... I'll grab the fishing gear and talk to Manny."
After my uncle left, I looked at Gloria suspiciously and said, "The pier just so happens to have a roller coaster right next to it."
Gloria made a face like someone caught red‑handed, then pulled me along, "Come on, let's go!"
"I'll be mad if we really end up fishing - we're too young for that," I mocked.
We both laughed.
That day, Manny finally lost his fear of roller coasters. Jay... not so much...
Chapter 84 - Coat room
On Saturday morning, we were in Malibu for my cousin's eleventh birthday.
"Happy birthday!" Rose handed Jake a package.
He unwrapped it. "A magic set? Awesome."
"How lovely. Perhaps he'll grow up to be a carny," Grandma quipped with her usual sarcasm. Evelyn and Jay could easily become great friends, judging by their matching personalities.
Rose continued, seemingly unbothered by Evelyn's remark. "It includes fourteen different illusions that will amaze and astound your friends. But, of course, your friends may be smarter than mine."
Well… I don't know about smarter, but at least they are real...
"Cool!" my cousin exclaimed.
Rose stood up saying goodbye. "Have fun at the Magic Castle."
"Aren't you coming with us?"
"I wish I could, but I gotta go to some clown's wedding," she answered before leaving.
I wonder if Cam will be there too... with all the incredible coincidences that happen around me
"Poor soul," Evelyn muttered, then pushed another package toward him. "Now. Open Grandmommy's present."
Jake unwrapped it but made a disappointed face when he saw what was inside the box. "Clothes?"
"Happy birthday."
"Thanks a lot, but clothes?" he repeated.
"Not clothes, darling. It's Calvin Klein," she spoke proudly, as if that made any difference to an eleven-year-old boy.
"Here," I handed him mine. "Happy birthday, kiddo."
"Wow, an iPod Mini?" Jake reacted excitedly, immediately hugging me. He ran to his room, probably to load some songs right away.
"Grandma, are you sure you don't want to come to Boston this week?" I offered. "Everything will be top quality."
"I can't, sweetheart. I already have something scheduled," she declined, though with an appreciative smile for being invited again.
"I thought you wouldn't invite your uncle. I know you don't like his personality much," she pointed out.
I responded, "I have some conflicted feelings about him," mostly a lack of respect, and then added, "but he is still family... and the trip will piss Judith off."
Especially when she hears how luxurious it was for him.
Grandma let out a poisoned laugh while I went to see what my dad and uncle were doing.
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"Almost ready? Judith and Liz will be here soon," Alan urged beside me.
We walked together into Charlie's room.
"Liz. Thank you," Charlie exclaimed, making the face of someone who clearly did not remember the person's name. "Boy, that would have been embarrassing."
Alan preached, "Charlie, please don't make a bad situation worse. Judith and Liz have been at each other's throats for years."
"Why's that?" Dad blinked.
"I don't know," Uncle Alan started dryly, "Maybe it's because Liz was always more popular, or maybe because Judith was smarter."
My God, if Judith is smarter, then Liz must be a door...
"Maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception," Alan finished, like an angry raccoon.
"Huh," I exclaimed, hearing that. "I can see why she was popular."
Dad smirked, "And you haven't even seen how beautiful she is. Or was… I just hope she stayed hot."
Alan was glaring at both of us, but the doorbell rang before he could continue his rant.
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Uncle Alan answered the door, "Hey, soul sisters. Come on in."
Judith replied curtly, "Hello, Alan"
"Alan, you look fantastic," a woman in a red dress, far too provocative for the occasion, said, adding, "I guess single life really agrees with you." She smiled at my uncle.
"Wow, someone seems to get lucky today," I whispered to Dad, because it was pretty clear what Liz wanted.
"And here I am, thinking this was Jake's birthday," I joked, since it looks like his dad is the one getting the best present.
Charlie just frowned.
"You know, doing okay. Starting over, landed on my feet. Like a cat," Uncle Alan answered her.
Then Jake came running, "Hey, Mom," he hugged Judith and quickly turned to his aunt, who was still near the door, "Hey, Aunt Liz!"
She hugged him back. "There's my favorite nephew," she said, handing him a large package. "Happy birthday, sweetie."
"It isn't clothes, is it?" Jake asked.
Grandma also appeared from the kitchen. "This is a surprise," she uttered, looking at both sisters.
Judith just nodded, "Hello, Evelyn."
"You're looking very well," Grandma motioned to Judith's body. "Slimming down nicely."
"Thanks. I recently dropped 160 pounds," she replied sarcastically, tilting her head slightly toward her ex-husband.
"152," Alan corrected.
My dad finally came downstairs, "Hey, everybody"
I did the same.
"Uncle Charlie, Francis, look what Aunt Liz got me!" Jake showed off the skateboard he had just received.
"Awesome," Charlie exclaimed.
I approached my cousin. "My friend Seth knows how to skateboard. I can ask him to teach you sometime."
"Cool!" he beamed.
But Judith immediately found a flaw. "I don't suppose you thought to buy him a safety helmet."
"You ride with Aunt Liz, you take your chances. Right, Liz?" Dad approached her with his usual grin.
But the response was the opposite of what he expected. "This guy? Are you sure?" she grimaced, clearly rejecting the idea.
I gave a small wave. "Hi, I'm Jake's cousin, Francis."
"Liz," she replied, giving me a once-over. "You're the one driving that Ferrari?" she asked with a playful tease
Judith deadpanned, "He is underage, Liz."
"And he has a girlfriend," Summer appeared in the doorway. She handed Jake a present, then walked right up next to me.
She pouted. "I step away for one moment and there's already a tramp circling you," she whispered.
Just like a great sitcom, someone else showed up right after, a busty blonde already clearly drunk. "Hey Charlie, I was passing by..."
"Sal?" I raised an eyebrow.
She noticed me. "Huh, you're the cute one from Mitch's family. No wonder I felt like I'd seen a Charlie-lookalike somewhere."
Summer instantly stepping in front of me, with one hand on her hip, "Somebody order more skanks?" she made a face.
Chapter 85 - New wick
The next day, Alan and I were in the kitchen. I was telling Berta about what happened yesterday at Jake's birthday.
She was working on Sunday for some extra cash (but she won't come from Wednesday onward since the family will be traveling).
"So your father didn't get any luck yesterday?" Berta snorted.
I shrugged while cutting my pancake. "Yep. Sal was too drunk when she showed up, and it only got worse once she started drinking with Grandma at the Magic Castle."
I had to call Cam and Mitchell to come pick her up. Cam even made a whole scene when he saw Rose dressed like a clown and realized he wasn't invited to the wedding (it was from someone he actually knew).
"And Judith's sister wanted this one," Berta spoke, nodding toward my uncle.
Alan made a face. "Nothing happened, Berta," he denied.
She scoffed. "The meat always drops on the vegetarian's plate," she said mockingly.
"She's my ex‑wife's sister," he defended himself.
Berta retorted, "One more point to do it."
Then dad walked into the kitchen smiling. "Morning, all." He beamed. "Beautiful day."
"You're in a good mood," Berta looked at him, "even after everything yesterday."
"Well, I suppose I am." Charlie nodded, ignoring what happened yesterday. "I got a little email this morning from an ex‑girlfriend who says she needs to-" he made air quotes, "- 'see' me."
"No kidding," Berta said dryly. "I wonder if she's 'knocked up,'" she imitated the air quotes.
"Uhh," I clapped playfully, "Am I getting a new brother or sister?"
Dad shot me a glare. "Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in five years."
"So she's bringing you a four‑year‑old," I pointed out.
"Believe me, nobody's bringing anything." He shut the topic down, then turned back to our housekeeper. "Remember Jill?"
"Jill the slob?"
"Yeah, but do you remember how hot she was?"
"Sure, she was a tight unit, but she left dirty dishes everywhere." Berta deadpanned. "Wait a minute," she remembered something. "Isn't she the one who dumped you?"
"Somebody dumped Charlie?"
"Somebody dumped Dad?" Alan and I said at the same time.
"Broke his little black heart. It was pathetic," she nodded dryly.
Charlie denied, "She didn't dump me. She had personal problems and moved to Europe to, you know… find herself."
"Berta?" We both sought the truth.
"He wept."
"I did not. I felt the appropriate level of sadness for a good relationship that had run its course," Dad explained.
"I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row," Berta revealed.
"I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck," Charlie finished, grabbed his car keys, and walked out.
"You bring her home, you clean up after!" our housekeeper shouted before he left, then she turned to Uncle Alan. "Thank God you never get any, even when it's right in front of you."
I stiffed a laugh.
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After a few hours, I was lying on the living room couch reading a book when the door suddenly opened.
"Thanks for the ride, Bill. You're a good friend." Dad walked in with a guy behind him.
The man acted surprised. "You called me Bill."
"That's your name, lady"
"Just like old times, huh? Drag your drunk ass home, take you upstairs, get you undressed and…" Dad's friend was already helping him up the stairs.
"Hey, I don't want to interrupt," I stood up from the couch, "but Dad… did you change your preferences?" I raised an eyebrow.
Charlie scoffed.
"Wow, he really is like you," the guy beside him commented, staring at me.
"Bill, this is my son, Francis," Dad introduced us, "This is my old friend Bill"
I muttered, "Bill… Jill… and the whole talk about like old times…" My eyes widened. "Hey, Bill, did you come back from Europe with… I don't know… extra personal baggage?" I spoke the last part very suggestively.
"I told you he was a smart one" Charlie smirked.
Bill looked a little embarrassed, but confirmed it.
Then Uncle Alan also showed up, and Dad made the introductions again.
"Nice to meet you, Bill."
"Same here." He shook Alan's hand.
"I thought you were gonna hook up with that girlfriend who wanted to 'see' you," Alan commented, glancing at his brother.
"Right. Turns out she changed her 'mind'. Anyway, I ran into my old friend Bill here," Dad explained.
"So, stood up by Jill, ran into Bill. That's funny," Alan laughed nasally.
Charlie snorted, "You have a sick sense of humor, Alan."
My uncle started small talk. "So, Bill, are you from around here?"
"I was, but I moved away for a couple of years. I'm planning on moving back and buying a place."
Then, out of nowhere, my grandmother walked out of the kitchen. "Hello. Evelyn Harper, Evelyn Harper Real Estate."
Good Lord, Grandma can be summoned in different ways.
"Yeah, Mom's here. She came in through the garage," Alan announced.
Dad dismissed it, "No problem, I'm drunk."
"I'm Bill Shraeder. I'm a friend of Charlie's."
"No need to apologize." Evelyn spoke with a poised smile, "So, are you interested in renting or buying?"
"Buying."
"Excellent. Price range?"
"I'm flexible."
"I'll bet you are."
"But I was talking money."
"So was I. Sexy and liquid. I like that in a man."
Evelyn and Bill went back and forth.
Seeing the two of them interact, I decided to intervene. "Grandmother, I need to talk to you."
"Now, dear?" She shot me an annoyed look.
I nodded. "Now."
She leaned closer, and I made her an offer. "I have an acquaintance looking to buy a property. Show him something today." I held up nine fingers.
"Nine million??" she exclaimed.
"If you don't want it, I'll tell Phil" I muttered.
She turned to Bill. "Sorry, I'll have to assist you another day."
Grandma said her goodbyes, already heading toward what could possibly become her biggest sale of the year.
Chapter 85 - New wick 2
Seeing Evelyn leave, Alan went back to his room, and Charlie did the same after saying goodbye to Bill. He was about to go as well, but I stopped him.
"Hey, Bill, why not stay a little longer?" I suggested. "That way you get to know the whole family. My cousin should be arriving soon."
Jake had ended up going back to Sherman Oaks' house yesterday because of his aunt.
Berta walked by and stared at Bill, probably sensing some familiarity. She didn't connect the dots and decided to go back to cleaning.
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A little while later, after chatting with Bill for a bit, the doorbell rang.
"Hey, Francis!" Jake appeared, excited. "I brought new games I got as a present!"
"Cool, buddy," I smiled at him, then made the introductions. "This is Bill, an old friend of my dad." I gestured with my hand, "and that is Judith, my uncle's ex‑wife."
"Hi," Judith smiled, probably because Bill was a good‑looking guy (formerly hot chick)
"Hey, Judith, Bill just got back from Europe and he's still getting used to being back in Los Angeles," I revealed.
"Summer caught a cold," I lied, "and I've got these tickets for a nice outing today. Are you two interested?" I paused. "Like friends... you two commented you needed to meet new people."
Judith said that after the whole Jake's birthday fiasco.
They exchanged a look and, a little awkwardly, agreed. Judith eyed me strangely, probably because I was being unusually nice to her.
"Hey, buddy," I turned to my cousin, "let's play that game."
Then I sent a message to my girlfriend, canceling our plans for the day and explaining why.
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Later that night, I went to the kitchen.
Uncle Alan and Dad were eating pizza.
"Hey, son, why did Bill text me to thank you?" Dad questioned, looking at his phone. He was much more sober now.
I answered casually while grabbing a glass of juice. "I gave him two tickets for a nice outing today."
Charlie raised an eyebrow as he read a new message. "Well, it seems he's already testing his new toy with some woman."
"Huh," I exclaimed. "You two might want to know that this woman in question is probably Judith."
Alan choked and turned to me. "You matched Bill with my wife??"
"Ex‑wife," I corrected him. "And I didn't match them up. I only gave them tickets and said to go as friends. I didn't tell her to do him."
My uncle shot me a glare. I just ignored it.
Dad grew thoughtful, stood up, and came back shortly holding a framed picture. "Alan, you might want to know this too."
"What is this?" He asked.
"Look."
"Who's this?"
"This is Jill."
"The woman who dumped you?"
"Get over that. Nobody dumped me."
"All right, I'm sorry. Why are we looking at Jill?"
"Just look at it."
"Okay." Alan examined the photo. "She's cute. Very tall. Broad shoulders." Then he shouted, "Holy mother of God!"
"Welcome to the Matrix," Charlie smirked.
"So Jill is..." My uncle pointed at the picture.
"Yep."
"And you and Jill used to..."
"Every chance we got."
"And Judith is..."
"At this very moment."
"Holy mother of God!" Alan screamed again
Then Jake showed up. "What are you guys yelling about?"
I stuffed some pizza slices into one of the boxes. "Here, grab some more pizza and take it to your room," I told him, handing it over. We had already eaten together earlier.
"I'll go play with you again in a minute," I added as he headed back to his room with the pizzas. Kid is a black hole.
Dad went back to the subject. "Do you realize what this means?"
"Yes..." Alan was still looking shocked.
But Charlie blurted out what we weren't expecting. "It means I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or I slept with a man in a woman's body."
"Can we go back to how this affects Judith?" Alan made a face.
"Come on, Uncle Alan," I showed my point of view. "We still don't know what Judith really likes. Sometimes women, sometimes men. I don't see a problem."
And Judith is the last of my worries. At most, how would affect my cousin...
"Ha, now she can have both," Dad pointed out, "Bill used to be a hot chick, now he's a dude. Any of those would be game for your ex-wife"
"Look on the bright side, Uncle Alan," I turned to him.
He snorted. "What bright side?"
"If they get married, you won't have to pay alimony."
Alan made a weird face, thought about it, and said, "It is a bright side."
I concluded, "And we were lucky it didn't happen with Grandma. That would've been a little traumatic. My dad and my grandma slept with the same dude."
"Eugh, just the idea makes me freak out," Dad replied in repulsion.
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The next morning, I was having breakfast with Alan, Charlie, and Jake.
We heard Berta exclaim, "Gadzooks!" from the living room. Then she walked into the kitchen.
"Morning." She headed straight toward my dad. "Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?"
"Like what?" he asked.
"I don't know... Go to a fun party? See a great movie?" She paused. "Run into an old flame with a new wick?"
I suppressed a laugh.
She continued with her usual sassy tone, "What are the odds? One brother turns them gay, and the other turns them guy."
This time I couldn't hold it and burst out laughing.
I revealed to her between laughs, "And there's more, Berta. Now the two of them are together."
"Gadzooks!" she exclaimed again. "Here, boss, take more pancakes," already sensing it had been my doing.
"And you two?" She looked at Charlie and Alan. "How about a sausage link and a couple eggs?" She smirked.
They both stared at us until Jake innocently said, "I accept," still listening to his iPod Mini, completely unbothered by what was happening around him.
"Kiddo has a sixth sense when it comes to food," I said as I removed and adjusted his headphones, noticing how loud the volume was.