Chapter 62: Christmas
"Come on!" I kept pressing the buttons harder.
Seth raised his hands. "And the winner is... me!!"
"You're really bad at this," Anna laughed, grabbing the controller from my hand.
I justified myself, "My usual opponents are six to eleven-year-old kids."
This time it was Anna and Ryan who started playing the fighting game. In the past few weeks, we've been getting together once in a while at Seth's place (and Ryan's, since the Cohens became his legal guardians).
"Hey, Jake, wanna be part of what I call Chrismukkah?" Seth spun toward me.
"Huh?" I blinked. "Is that like Christmas plus Hanukkah?"
He nodded. "Right. It's a new holiday, and it's sweeping the nation."
"Hey, fellas, we got the tree," Sandy, Seth's dad, entered carrying a Christmas tree.
"Or at least the living room," Seth added.
"Hello, Jake, would you like to stay with us for dinner?" Kirsten asked.
I thought for a moment. "Sure, the girls are having that time of the month."
"You know, that's kinda offensive to us women," Kirsten lightly scolded with a mocking smile.
Anna chimed in, "He means they're having girls' night today."
Seth's mom was about to apologize, but Anna cut in again. "Don't, he totally phrases like that on purpose."
"Okay, can we get back to the best holiday ever invented? And that was by me" Seth jumped into the conversation.
"Chrismukkah?" Ryan raised an eyebrow.
"Allow me to elaborate." He walked over to Sandy. "You see, for my father here, a poor struggling Jew growing up in the Bronx, Christmas meant Chinese food and a movie."
Then he moved next to Kirsten. "And for my mom over here, WASPy McWASP, it meant a tree, stockings, and all the trimmings"
"I'm not a wasp" she retorted
He ignored it, and finished, "So, I created the greatest superholiday known to mankind, drawing on the best that Christianity and Judaism have to offer"
"We didn't really know how to raise Seth," Kirsten admitted, trying to justify his eccentricities, making everyone laugh.
Suddenly, Seth's phone rang. "It's Lindsay," he said excitedly.
I stood up and stopped him from answering right away. "Calm down, you already kissed her, no need to act so eager."
"Count to three and ask her to Chrismukkah," Anna added. He did that, then answered and walked to the corner.
"Who is Lindsay?" Sandy inquired curiously.
I responded, "Soon to be Seth's girlfriend. Lindsay Gardner is one of our classmates"
"You're welcome," Anna expressed, spreading her arms.
"Now you're taking all the credit?" I looked at her.
"I did more than you, smart boy," she smirked at me.
And this time, it was my phone that rang.
Ryan finally spoke up, "Girlfriend?"
"No," I denied. "A thirteen-year-old girl who keeps calling me."
"Alex?" Anna asked.
"Yep, you never let any misunderstanding slide, do you?" I answered. Since that day, my cousin has been calling me from time to time, wanting to talk about some book or intellectual topic.
After we finished talking, Seth had also ended his call and said to all of us, "How about a Chrismukkah on December 26th?"
"Dude, you haven't even started dating and you're already whipped?" I remarked astonished
We played a bit more and then went to have dinner.
"How come you're not at the girls' night, Anna?" Sandy asked while grabbing another serving of pasta.
"Yeah... Taylor, Haley, Summer, and Marissa... not my thing," she replied.
"I think only a superior being like Jake could handle all four of them together," Seth commented ironically.
I joined the conversation too. "I barely talked to Taylor, just with the Powerpuff Girls... and Tinkerbell here."
Anna raised an eyebrow. "Really, Jake? Tinkerbell?"
"It's a good one," Seth laughed
"See," I pointed out, "even Ryan agreed. That's his face when he agrees with something."
"That boring face is his usual," Anna retorted.
"Why does she hang out with us, again?" Ryan commented.
I shrugged. "Seth needs a lab partner and a relationship advisor"
"You're hilarious," Seth said mockingly, while Anna didn't even bother to respond.
We finished dinner and kept talking.
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A week later, December 24th finally arrived. I was watching Miracle on 34th Street with Jay, Manny, and Gloria when suddenly a monster appeared screaming on the screen.
Jay jumped in shock. "What the hell is that?"
"Inocente!" Manny pointed at Jay, chuckling.
"What the hell?" he exclaimed again.
"When you told me we were going to watch this movie, I asked Jake to help me for a joke copy," Manny revealed. "You are the inocente!"
"Maybe I'm a little confused right now. What's this 'inocente' stuff?" Jay inquired, already annoyed.
"In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition," Gloria explained, still laughing. "The one who gets fooled is the inocente!"
Uncle Jay replied exasperatedly, "We tell practical jokes on April Fool's Day. Don't do that again."
Manny and Gloria left giggling, while Jay kept grumbling, "Inocente," and looked at me. "Are you okay with this crap?"
I shrugged. "Some of my friends are celebrating Chrismukkah - Christmas mixed with Hanukkah. My dad will probably celebrate with eggnog and a beautiful, but random girl. Adding a Colombian tradition seems perfectly normal to me."
I stood up. "I'm going to deliver all the presents and then I'll come back."
-----------------------------
I stopped first at the Dunphys' house.
Alex was the one who opened the door. "Jake!" she spoke excitedly and immediately went on, "I read Crime and Punishment..."
Haley came over too, nudging her sister aside. "Uhh, gifts," she cheered, hugging me but also reaching for the present.
"Cousin, you might need to be careful not to get dumber by osmosis," Alex remarked sarcastically.
Haley turned her head. "I don't have osmosis."
"See?" Alex pointed out, and the two of them started bickering.
I slipped an arm around both of them. "Okay, you two"
"Wait, where's the Christmas tree?" I frowned, noticing that the tree was no longer in the living room.
Chapter 63: Christmas II
"Where is the Christmas tree?" I asked, since I had helped decorate it too.
"Our parents are crazy people," Haley commented.
"We are not crazy," Claire appeared along with Phil and Luke. "We canceled Christmas until one of you three confesses who burned the sofa with a cigarette."
I glanced at each of the three - Alex, Haley, and Luke. None of them looked guilty.
Luke wasn't good at hiding secrets, Alex would confess as soon as pressured, and Haley would ask me for help to escape punishment (if it were her).
"They can't confess something that none of them did," I argued. "It was me. I got a little distracted and dropped the cigarette butt. I'm sorry."
"Great! I'll go get the Christmas tree back!" Phil said excitedly.
"Nice," I moved closer to him. "I bought a mini-Santa Claus that climbs a rope. We can put him on the tree." I showed him, taking it out of my shopping bag.
Phil took it, "Cool!" reacting much like Luke, who was watching beside us.
"Phil!" Claire barked, staring in disbelief at us.
Phil blinked confused. "What?"
Claire gave him the look.
"Right," he corrected himself quickly. "Uncool, buddy." He started pulling me to help him bring the tree back.
"That's it??" Claire looked incredulous. "No, no, no." She repeated.
Phil paused, then improvised, "You're… not playing Mario Kart with me and Luke... today." He looked at Claire for approval.
She let out a frustrated sigh. "We're against smoking and setting a bad example. Jake, you're banned from coming here until the end of the year."
I stayed calm. Well, that's less than a week…
"That's not fair, Mom!" Haley protested
"Who am I going to talk about books and science with?" Alex added, complaining.
Phil joined the chorus. "Yeah, Claire, why should we be punished as well?"
"Mom, you said Christmas is about forgiving and all!" Even Luke managed to blurt out something that sounded halfway wise.
Claire's patience snapped. "Why am I being treated like the villain here?" She took a deep breath. "Fine. Three days. That's final."
I had to hold back a laugh. I love this family.
"Guys, she is right," I spoke, placing a hand on her shoulder, then whispered, "You know, Aunt Claire, stress shortens life expectancy by twenty percent."
"And you shorten mine by fifty!" she shouted back.
"Don't say that," I replied, pulling out another bag. "I bought you a fine wine."
She narrowed her eyes. "Are you treating me like an alcoholic woman?"
"No," I denied immediately. "The wine I gifted you in the past must have been emptied by gnomes," I remarked.
She snatched the gift, said thank you, and headed to the kitchen.
After helping Phil bring the tree back to the living room, we decorated it again and talked for a while until I mentioned that I needed to deliver the rest of the presents.
I stopped by Malibu and told Dad I would spend the 25th at Jay's house too. He wasn't really bothered by it.
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That night, I went back to Brentwood with Jay (we bumped into each other by chance at Mitchell's house).
"Where were you for so long?" Gloria inquired as we walked into the kitchen.
Jay explained, "Just a little last-minute shopping," then asked, noticing a round food on the table, "What's this?"
"Buñuelos," Manny spoke, already eating one.
Jay frowned. "Who? What?"
Gloria explained, "Cheese fritters. It's a traditional Colombian Christmas food."
"Okay, new rule. From now on, we do Colombian things when we're in Colombia," Jay declared annoyed, continuing his rant, "We do American things when we're in America."
He stormed off toward the pantry, shouting, "No more of your food, no more of your music, and especially no more of your crazy holidays!"
Manny and Gloria exchanged a disappointed look
"Inocente!" he yelled, suddenly reappearing.
Manny put his hands over his face, clearly realizing he'd fallen for our prank.
"You know, it was hard to get fireworks on Christmas Eve," I finally revealed what Jay and I had in our shopping bags.
"Go, Manny!" Gloria encouraged with a wide grin, patting his shoulder.
Manny ran to hug Jay and then me.
"Thank you!" he said, beaming.
I smiled too. "Let's go, we need to set up those fireworks out back, somewhere safe."
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The next morning, Christmas lunch was at Jay's house.
Mitchell, Cam, and Lily were the first to arrive, followed by the Dunphy family.
Claire came to talk to me while the rest of the Dunphys were nearby.
"Jake, I owe you an apology," she began, "but could you please wipe that smug grin off your face?"
"No way!" I denied. "I only took the blame so I could have the moral high ground, and to annoy yo…" I cleared my throat, "I mean, save the Dunphys' Christmas," I smirked.
Claire's eyes were twitching. "Either way, sorry, and thank you," she said, hugging me.
I whispered, "I'm totally going to use that in the future," which made her lightly pinch me.
"What about us?" Haley joined in. "You and Dad blamed us first! You were going to cancel Christmas for something none of us did!"
"You called us all liars!" Luke added.
Phil repeated the same line Luke had used yesterday. "Christmas is about forgiving."
"That's all on Luke," Alex snorted. "You took away the biggest holiday!"
"I made a mistake. People make mistakes. And they make up for those mistakes..." Phil paused, then exclaimed, "by taking their family... to Italy!" Everyone cheered, except for Claire, whose face instantly turned worried.
We ended up having a very unique Christmas lunch, with some Colombian dishes mixed in and a new recipe Cam had just discovered.
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That night, everyone left, and I did too, heading over to Summer's house. She had spent Christmas with her dad, but he was going out for the night with her stepmother.
Summer peeked outside before opening the door.
"Merry Christmas, Jake," she grinned at me.
I took a long look at the sexy Christmas outfit she was wearing. "Merry Christmas, Sunny," I replied, and she pulled me inside.
Chapter 64
"Hello?" I answered my phone.
Seth started talking on the other end of the line. "Man, for a brief moment I thought you slept with my aunt," he blurted out right away.
I glanced to the side of the bed and gave Summer's breasts a squeeze. "No, I'm pretty sure I'm still with Summer."
Then I asked, "So, my dad's at your house?"
"He was, I caught him sleeping with my aunt, and he ended up leaving," Seth kept talking, "She isn't married or anything, it was just a really awkward situation."
"Hmm," I murmured.
"You don't seem that surprised," he remarked from the other end of the line.
I explained, "My dad's a Don Juan, and he and my uncle had dinner yesterday at my grandma's house, your neighbor."
I went on, "With all due respect, Seth, your mother is beautiful, so I assume your aunt is too. I can see that happening."
"My aunt wasn't supposed to be here, let alone sleep with a guy before even saying hi to us," Seth commented ironically.
Handful chick... totally my dad's type.
"Well, at least lunch won't be boring," I laughed.
He let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, for some reason, Lindsay's mom will come too. Boring is exactly the type I wanted to be."
"Don't worry Seth, everything will be fine. I'll be there soon," I said and hung up.
"Hey, jerk, these are not stress balls," Summer turned toward me as I didn't stop squeezing her breasts.
"Are you sure? Because I'm feeling less stressed already," I joked.
She just made a face at me. "What did Seth want?" she asked, sitting and guiding my hand inside her pajamas. Yeah, way better with no fabric in the way.
"He just called to say that my dad ended up at his house," I revealed.
"You two have rabbit genes, right?" Summer teased, already understanding what happened (not exactly with whom, but it didn't really matter for her).
-----------------------------
After we got dressed, Summer and I went to the Cohens' house.
"Ryan, you look like you didn't sleep well," I commented, noticing his tired face as he opened the door for us.
" 'Someone' slept in my bed," Ryan answered flatly.
I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I don't think they did much sleeping." I quipped
"Not helping, man," he shot me a look.
"Jake, Summer!" Seth welcomed us as well. "The man we need," he declared, and we all headed to the kitchen.
"Kirsten, Sandy…" I waved to both of them. "Hello there!"
and they greeted me normally.
"You came early, Jake," Sandy observed, sipping his coffee. "Help yourself," he offered, motioning toward the food on the table.
"Thought you'd be more bothered, Kirsten," I found their lack of reaction a bit strange.
"For what?" She tilted her head.
"Yeah, I haven't told them yet," Seth cut in. "Hailey's here," he announced.
I glanced at him. "Your aunt's name is Hailey? You don't have aunt issues, do you?"
"Just a coincidence, and I like Lindsay now" Seth replied.
Kirsten stood up abruptly. "Wait, wait- you saw her? You were talking to her? Or, uh... did she say what she's doing here?"
"I have two guesses," Sandy deadpanned. "Either she run outta money or run outta money."
Huh, a sister without money showing up at her sister's house - sounds familiar.
Kirsten signed, touching her forehead. "Hailey's here."
Then a blonde young woman came to the door wearing a singlet and underwear.
"Hey guys, guess who's back," she uttered, smiling.
"Hello, Hailey," Sandy muttered, lowering his head after noticing what she was wearing.
Seth laughed awkwardly. "Aunt Hailey, later- when you're dressed - we'll hug."
Ryan just gave her a look and didn't say anything.
"Seth. Robe. Her. Now," Kirsten ordered, placing her hand on her hip, already showing great annoyance
"Huh?" Hailey blinked when she saw me. "Are you Charlie's son or brother?" she questioned while putting on Seth's robe.
"His son," I replied, unfazed.
Kirsten's eyes darted between us. "Oh, you didn't!!" she exclaimed, irritated, probably putting the pieces together.
"See? Now you know what she was doing, or who she was doing" I commented, receiving a quick glare from her.
But she soon turned to Hailey again. "We haven't seen each other for years, and the first thing you do is sneak in here with a stranger?"
"He's no stranger. He's your neighbor's son, and my dad," I pointed out.
Seth muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "Can't you stop poking the wasp nest?"
Kirsten started lecturing Hailey, but she didn't seem very bothered by it. Seth's mother ended up leaving to avoid getting even more annoyed.
"Looking good, nephew Seth," Hailey commented, giving him a once-over.
"Thank you. Puberty happened."
"It's been that long?"
"It sure has."
Then Hailey pointed at us, "And new friends?"
"Yeah, that's Ryan. He's kind of a long story," Seth introduced us. "Jake you've already know his name."
"Do I need to call you Mommy?" I mocked
she found it amused, "bite me"
"Can't, I have a girlfriend," I said, glancing down since Summer was in my arms.
"Summer," she introduced herself coolly
Hailey nodded and turned back to her nephew. "So, now that you're a man, what are the New Year's Eve plans? Got any girls to kiss?"
"Yes, Lindsay, she's coming here for lunch," Seth revealed.
I continued, "About the New Year's Eve plans, I reserved a few tables at The Standard Downtown, Rooftop VIP, for us."
"Taylor might not come," Ryan murmured
I raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because of three little words Ryan couldn't say," surprisingly, it was Hailey who explained
"Where's the Frosted Flakes?" Seth joked.
"That's four," Hailey corrected, then said each word slowly, "I. Love. You."
"Shut up. Ryan, Taylor said that to you?" I asked, receiving a small nod.
"Okay, what did you say?" Seth asked, intrigued.
He muttered, "Thank you."
We all grimaced.
"God, that was worse than I expected - even for Seth," I said, still wincing.
"I love you too, Jake" Seth replied dryly.
Chapter 65: Chrismukkah II
Okay, back to the New Eve, The Standard Downtown, Rooftop VIP - that's a good one!" Hailey glanced at me.
I paused for a second. "You can come with us, but if you cause trouble, I'm gonna kick you out," I warned.
The doorbell rang.
"It must be Marissa. I texted her saying we were already here," Summer noted.
"Marissa? Is that the short chick next door?"
Seth corrected her, "No, puberty happened," gesturing to show she was taller. "She's a Laker."
"Yep, can't say the same for Haley, Summer, or Taylor," I joked.
Summer gave me a light headbutt since my chin was resting on top of her head.
Marissa showed up a moment later. "Hey, guys," she gave a small wave to everyone.
Summer went to hug her since they hadn't seen each other on Christmas. I went to hug her too.
"Jake, Haley and I need your help," she spoke as soon as we pulled apart.
"Why the face?" She noticed my grimace.
"Nothing good ever comes from the two of you," I teased, getting a light shove.
Summer leaned forward, curious. "What do you need Jake for?"
"We need someone to wear what we designed. The problem with Dylan..." she hesitated.
"That he and Haley keep breaking up and getting back together," I finished for her.
And we all went to play video games, to the disbelief of Seth's aunt.
-----------------------------
After a while, Anna appeared.
"Hello, Anna, join us," I handed her the controller.
Summer sat even closer to me, and I placed my hand around her waist, making her smirk at Anna.
Anna ignored it and sat next to Seth. "Jake already lost?"
"Hey, I won against Sunny and Coop!" I exclaimed.
"Isn't it so sad?" Seth mocked.
I shot back, "What's sad is you sitting in a place with traces of what could've been my brother or sister."
Seth and Ryan stood up instantly.
"We forgot to change the sheets," Ryan grumbled.
Seth gave me a look of realization. "So that's why you took those chairs for yourself, Summer, and Marissa."
"Yep, I don't trust any place here," I laughed.
Anna looked at me strangely. "What happened?"
"My dad hooked up with Seth's aunt," I replied, unfazed.
"Wow!" Anna gasped, "They did it here?" she questioned, astonished, as this is Ryan's room.
"Here," I pointed to the bed, "probably there, there" I started pointing, "and there. Definitely there!"
"Dude!" Seth threw his arms open.
Marissa suddenly started laughing.
Summer lightly scolded me, "Look what you did to my best friend. Now she's laughing about your degeneracies."
"Hey! It wasn't me, it was my dad. I'm only stating facts," I defended myself.
Marissa finally spoke through laughter, "Only Jake could say something that absurd with such calmness."
Before we could continue the conversation, the doorbell rang once again.
Seth quickly checked his phone. "Must be Lindsay," he headed to the door with us following.
-----------------------------
He opened the door. "Hello, Lindsay," Seth smiled, "and Mrs. Wheeler," he greeted awkwardly.
Lindsay was about to approach Seth, but her mother held her firmly by the shoulder.
"Seth, can I talk to your parents?" she asked.
Lindsay immediately made a face. "Mom! You're being weird," she protested.
I frowned. She didn't seem to be doing it just out of motherly protectiveness or anything like that. I could see she was slightly shaken.
I decided to step in. "Seth, why don't you take Mrs. Wheeler to meet your parents?"
"Hey, Lindsay, I heard you want to join the Social group?" Marissa also pulled Lindsay aside along with Summer.
That left Ryan, Anna, and me.
"Is it just me, or did the atmosphere get tense?" Anna wondered.
I was still thoughtful. "Yes, there's something going on. She's clearly against Seth and Lindsay's relationship, but I don't know why."
"Doesn't seem like a 'he's not good enough for her' thing," I concluded.
It was not like Claire with Haley and Dylan.
"You're the genius one," Anna teased. "Solve it."
I shook my head. "I know little about her. There are so many possible reasons - maybe she thinks it'll hurt Lindsay's studies, or for some religious reason, or she doesn't want her involved with the rich kids from the Palisades. Gosh, Lindsay could even be someone's illegitimate daughter close to the family."
"Lindsay said she was raised only by her mother," Ryan commented.
"Okay, that would be bizarre," Anna remarked.
I nodded. The odds should've been minimal. Of all people, the one Seth started liking?
A knock echoed again. Ryan opened the door - it was Seth's grandfather.
"Mr. Nichols, everyone's in the kitchen," Ryan informed him. The man nodded and walked that way.
"Seems like Caleb Nichols still doesn't like you," I noted.
"Tough guy," Ryan replied shortly.
"Yeah, better not to say what I think of him," I added.
Seth came running a moment later. "Guys, I need your help. Mrs. Wheeler wanted to talk alone with my parents, and things got even stranger when she saw my grandpa."
We all headed to the kitchen.
Caleb was speaking, facing Lindsay's mother. "I can't believe you just showed up like this, Renee"
"Did you really think we could get away with it forever?" she reacted. "Besides, Lindsay and your grandson were about to start a relationship."
"What!?" he shouted, now turning toward us - more precisely, toward Seth.
Kirsten frowned. "Get away with what? Dad, start talking." She demanded.
Mr. Nichols took a deep breath and began to confess. "Kirsten, Hailey, I had hoped I could protect you both from this forever, but..."
He continued reluctantly, "Sixteen years ago, I made... I made an error in judgment - one that almost ruined my marriage."
"Oh my God!" Hailey and Kirsten exclaimed in unison.
"Wait, wait, wait," Seth repeated, "are you saying that Lindsay is my aunt???"
Chapter 66: Chrismukkah
Are you saying that Lindsay is my aunt???" he shouted, completely incredulously.
Marissa, Summer, and Lindsay appeared moments later, likely drawn by the commotion.
"What is this all about?" Lindsay questioned.
"I'm Seth's grandfather, and you, Lindsay, are my daughter," Caleb revealed plainly now.
Good Lord, he could've been a bit more tactful about saying that.
Renee, already with tears in her eyes, apologized softly, "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I should have told you."
"You're my father??" Lindsay's voice cracked. "Seth is my nephew?" She recoiled in disgust before fleeing in tears.
"Someone go after her," I urged, since everyone else was frozen.
I quickly grabbed Seth by the shoulder. "Not you. Not now, Seth," I said firmly, giving him a pat on the back.
He yelled at his grandfather and stormed off to his room, with Ryan following him. Anna sprinted after Lindsay.
"I don't know what to say," Caleb Nichols muttered, approaching Kirsten and Hailey.
Kirsten slapped him across the face. "Get out of my house," she snapped before leaving.
Hailey did the same.
With Sandy and Lindsay's mother also gone, the room fell into an awkward silence, leaving only Caleb, Summer, Marissa, and me.
He eventually stepped out without a word.
"Suddenly, my family's not so dysfunctional," Marissa commented.
I scoffed, "And that says something."
She just glanced at me from the corner of her eye.
"Are you going to help?" Summer asked.
I remained thoughtful. "I'm trying to think of how… I'll talk to Seth," I decided.
The two exchanged a look, not really knowing what to do in this situation, and ended up following me.
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"Hey," I stepped into Seth's room. He was lying on the bed with Ryan beside him, both of them silent.
"Seth, once you told me that what the Cohens do is laugh through your tears, crack jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event…"
I went on, "Sometimes you'll even make the joke during the traumatic event."
"Yeah, well… that was above and beyond traumatic," Seth murmured, still staring at the ceiling. "How would you feel knowing you kissed your aunt?" He turned toward me, horrified.
"I don't really have an aunt at my age. The closest thing, thinking 'aunt' or a relative around my age, would be Claire or Haley…"
I considered it for a moment. "That would be… gross."
Summer bit my shoulder. "Why did I feel zero conviction in that answer?"
I looked away. "Summer, you've seen Haley. And Claire. I'm trying to be morally correct here - is it my fault my family is gorgeous?"
Seth managed a faint smile, but then all of us went quiet again.
I stood up. "If you need my help, call me, Seth," I told him, giving him a couple of pats on the shoulder.
"Thanks," he murmured.
We stepped out to give him space. There was nothing much we could do now…
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Berta was serving eggnogs to Anna, Summer, Marissa, and me on the Malibu deck.
Summer looked at her. "You don't seem impressed by the story."
We had told her everything that happened earlier.
"There's so much stupidity among you rich people that the only explanation I can think of is inbreeding," she replied deadpan.
I started laughing, making all three of them glare at me. "Come on, you need to appreciate Berta's good humor. And Seth found out before anything even more traumatizing could happen."
Then Charlie stepped onto the deck, gave us a weird look, and forced a half‑smile in my direction. "Hey, son, there's something funny-"
But I cut him off. "Save it, Dad. We are all aware of you and my friend's aunt. It wasn't even the biggest scandal of the day."
He raised an eyebrow.
"Hailey and Kirsten just found out they have a half-sister - who happens to be the girl Anna set up with Seth," I revealed.
Dad winced
Anna protested, "I'm pretty sure the two of us caused that mess."
"No, the only one who caused anything was Caleb. We just found a pretty girl for a friend," I corrected. "We're not guilty of anything."
"Good thing you're dating, Francis," Berta remarked. "Otherwise, you'd be the one who should be very worried about it," she finished dryly.
"I don't have a daughter, Berta," Charlie shot back. "Probably…" he muttered, then shifted topics. "So… is a half-aunt illegal?"
"Possibly," I responded. "In California, Penal Code § 285 refers back to Family Code § 2200. But here's the thing - it considers an uncle or aunt as incest, but there's no inclusion for the word 'half,' unlike the case with siblings."
I concluded, "Genetically, a half‑aunt shares about the same percentage as a first cousin - and first cousins are legally allowed to have relationships (marriage) in some states."
Anna stared between me and my dad. "I don't know if I should feel impressed by your knowledge or disturbed by what we're even discussing."
"Girl, if you're already disgusted by this, I suggest you don't talk to Charlie anymore," Berta said sarcastically before going off to clean the house.
"Hey! I'm still the owner of this house," Charlie complained, annoyed.
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After a few days, New Year's Eve arrived, and we gathered at the hotel to celebrate the end of the year and the beginning of the next.
During those days, we didn't see Lindsay again. She'll still need some time to process everything. At least Seth seemed to be doing better.
"810 million in Gauss LLC, besides the Apple long‑call options and the money from the books," I murmured, doing my financial wrap‑up for 2003.
I continued, "And a group I can call family." I watched the Dunphy, Pritchett, and Harper families in front of me, along with the rest of our friends.
"Why so thoughtful, cousin?" Haley approached.
I placed a hand on her shoulder. "Just thinking about everything that happened in 2003, my little comet."
She smiled, "Can't believe we've only known each other for six months," and gently rested her head against me.
And Haley shifted the subject, "Mom is mad at you - probably because you said, right next to her, 'Hailey is so drunk and already kissing my dad,' making her freak out… until she realized it was the other Hailey." She laughed.
Chapter 67
A week had passed since we entered 2004, and I was making pancakes at the Dunphys' house while chatting with Phil.
We heard Haley yelling, "Just keep your hands off my stuff!"
"I didn't put my hands on your stuff," Alex shot back.
Huh, they actually managed to go a whole week without bickering...
"Hey!" Phil called out, "What's the problem?"
"Alex read my journal!" Haley accused.
Alex denied it. "I did not! Why would I even want to read your stupid journal?"
"Because it contains the details of a life, and you don't have one!" Haley replied sarcastically.
I winced. Wow, that was an emotional damage…
Alex grimaced. "Oh!" And the two stomped off in opposite directions.
A moment later, Claire shouted, "Phil!" and appeared in the kitchen.
"Luke was using my computer for this!" She placed the laptop on the table and turned the screen toward Phil.
"He told me he needed it to do homework, and then I find this - a picture of a topless woman with the biggest boobs I have ever seen, driving a tractor!"
Phil froze, unsure how to respond, while I leaned closer for a peek.
"At least he has good taste," I smirked.
"Jake!" she scolded sharply.
I joked, "Look on the bright side - judging by the woman in the photo, it doesn't look like he has any mommy or sister issues." Then I mumbled, "they are too huge…"
Claire shot me a murderous glare, probably holding herself back from smacking me only because I was standing in front of the stove.
She turned back to her husband. "Phil! It's smut, and our ten-year-old is looking at smut! It's disgusting!"
"Completely unacceptable," he agreed, though with a somewhat guilty look on his face.
I frowned. Maybe Luke wasn't the one who searched for that picture...
"Where are you going?" Phil asked when he saw Claire grabbing her purse.
She answered, "I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover. We need to talk to him about this now."
"Claire, this is a very delicate situation," Phil tried to dissuade her. "If we don't handle it right, Luke might end up with an unhealthy attitude about sex… or agribusiness."
"Okay, fine. But I'm telling him that every time he looks at porn, God kills a puppy," Claire remarked.
"Yeah, why don't you tell him that's how the dinosaurs went extinct?" I added sarcastically
I finished cooking and called the girls to come and eat as well.
The five of us sat at the table (since Luke wouldn't be back until the afternoon), the two of them still refusing to speak to each other.
"Haley, Alex didn't read your diary," I remarked.
"How would you know?" she glanced at me.
Alex jumped in, "Because if I had, I'd be handing you a dictionary right now," she made a mocking face.
Before the two could start arguing again, I warned, "If you keep this up, we're not going to the museum." I looked at Alex. "And I'm not letting you drive the car either," I added, turning to Haley.
Both of them stopped immediately.
But soon Haley commented excitedly, "Marissa and I are going to work part‑time for Margaret. I can save money to buy a car."
"That is great, Haley," Claire smiled, giving me a brief glance. She'll probably ask me more about Margaret later.
Haley told her parents about her 'tutor,' but didn't go into details.
"My baby is growing up," Phil spoke emotionally. "It seems like yesterday you were my little girl on the tricycle."
"Now she'll be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle," I joked.
"Jake!" Haley snapped, annoyed.
"He's not wrong," Alex agreed. "Last time you barged into a park, God knows how."
"It was an accident," she defended herself.
"Oh, that's reassuring! At least my sister isn't a complete maniac," Alex retorted.
I focused on the beautiful pancakes I had made.
-----------------------------
While Alex and Haley were getting dressed for our trip to the museum, the three of us stayed at the table.
"So, who is this Margaret?" Claire inquired. "Haley said she's been learning about fashion, and that you were the one who convinced this woman."
"I did," I nodded. "Margaret is the Fashion Director at InStyle magazine. She's already considered part of the upper echelon of the fashion world. Very few people can open more doors than she can."
I continued explaining, "I only handled the introduction for the tutoring part. Now, the part‑time job is because the two of them managed to impress her."
"If Haley really wants to follow this career path, this will add a lot to her résumé - whether for the job market or for a fashion college."
They were both surprised.
Claire took my hand. "Thank you, Jake. We really appreciate it." She was the one most worried about Haley's future.
"Hey, she's family, and like a sister to me," I smiled, then added, "but it won't be for free. And there's still the Christmas event you punished me unfairly."
She narrowed her eyes. "What do you want?"
"Your husband."
"Oh, you can take him," Claire dismissed.
"Nice! Phil, we're going to Vegas this weekend," I smirked, making Claire squeeze my hand tighter so I couldn't pull away.
Then I revealed, "CES 2004 is happening - the Consumer Electronics Show, with the most modern tech in the world."
"Awesome!" Phil lit up in excitement.
"Jay and my dad will definitely be up for going to Vegas," I added. Just... not to attend an electronics convention.
"It will be a nice boys' weekend!" I declared
The three of us went to the museum, with Haley driving. Later, Phil ended up confessing that the topless-woman photo was his, sent by a colleague (Gil Thorpe), and Luke also admitted that he had read Haley's journal by accident.
Chapter 68 - cheap plot
After spending the weekend in Vegas, our whole family went to have dinner at a restaurant near Jay's house.
"Jay, I think Gloria didn't really like Barkley," I commented, referring to the statue he bought in Vegas.
He dismissed it. "Nonsense! He's a butler and a dog - who couldn't love him?"
Pretty sure the answer is your wife…
Jay went to talk to the waiter.
Phil was excitedly talking about some gadgets we'd bought at the convention, but he froze when Claire inquired if Seth, Ryan, and I had done anything inappropriate for our age.
Haley, who was texting on her phone, came closer to me and asked, "Have you met this Alex that Marissa's dating?"
"No," I replied.
"You're not jealous, are you?" she teased.
"Why would I be?"
She leaned closer and whispered, "Oh, it's just us here. You three are totally in a love triangle," Haley teased me again.
I pushed her head away. "I don't do teen drama, cousin", but I wouldn't mind a threesome…
"I hear drama?" Cam approached, with Mitchell beside him.
I denied it. "There's nothing going on, guys."
But since my life seems to be a TV show (well, there are Modern Family and Two and Half Men...), Marissa showed up - with someone.
"Marissa??" Haley noticed too and called out.
Before she could say anything, the blonde next to Marissa spoke surprised, "Jake?"
"Alex?!" I exclaimed, eyes wide open.
Oh, you must be kidding me. This is just a cheap plot…
"Alex?" Haley looked at the blonde, her eyes widening as she noticed Marissa's awkward, slightly trapped expression.
"Alex!" my cousin repeated, probably putting the pieces together. "Let's get this straight," she started, staring at the two of them.
I cut in, "There's anything but straight happening here, Haley."
Marissa shouted me a glare while Alex burst out laughing.
I turned to Cam and Mitchell. "And I'm not talking about you two."
"Yeah, we got it," Mitchell replied, and Cam nodded, clearly enjoying - or maybe supporting - the moment.
"Alex?" This time it was Manny speaking, also looking surprised.
"Hey, poet boy," the blonde smiled at him.
Jay also came closer and murmured to me, "She's one of the girls Manny gave a love letter to."
"Alex Kelly?" I asked.
"Yep," she confirmed.
She was the girl Manny wrote a love letter to after he found out I was dating Brenda...
Manny looked embarrassed. "Oh, this is pretty awkward - having two girls I sent love letters to here together."
We all turned toward him. "Yeah, pretty awkward moment," I stated, not really because of his love letters. "And when did you give a letter to Marissa?" I frowned.
"On New Year's," he replied.
"Hey, what's going on here?" another voice asked, noticing the small crowd forming around us.
I waved her off. "Alex Dunphy, go over there," I pointed toward the other end of the table. "You're only gonna make everything more confusing," I remarked.
Dealing with one Alex is enough.
She spread her arms, not understanding anything, but sat down at the other end, like a good NPC who realized she was interrupting a cutscene.
Haley finally spoke again. "Doesn't matter what you like, you're my friend, Marissa," she said supportively, and the two hugged. Marissa then looked at me.
"Of course we're still friends, Coop," I hugged her too. "We have so much in common - we like beaches, good food, kids, drinks, books... and chicks," I smirked at the last word.
She rolled her eyes but hugged me tighter. "Thanks, Jake."
"We need tissues here!" Cam screamed in a high-pitched voice, "and champagne!" he added.
-----------------------------
Afterward, we all sat down and placed our orders. Marissa, Haley, Alex Kelly, and I were sitting at the end of the table, with Haley already chatting with Alex for more gossip.
Then my girlfriend showed up and introduced herself, "Summer."
"Alex," the blonde replied.
From Summer's expression, Marissa must have already told her that Alex was a girl; she just hadn't introduced them in person.
Summer went to hug Marissa too. After a moment, she whispered jokingly, "This isn't turning you on, right?" making Marissa give her a playful nudge as the two giggled.
Having overheard it, I leaned closer and whispered, "It's turning me on," receiving a not-so-playful punch from both of them.
"I was joking," I pulled Summer by the waist, and we all sat down again.
The waiter soon served our food, and while we were eating, Marissa seemed to notice something. "Hey, now that I think about it, you two already looked like you knew each other from the start," she pointed out to me and Alex.
Alex gave me a glance, and I said with a straight face, "She was the one who sold me the Ferrari."
She nodded. "Hard to forget a young guy who bought a Ferrari M575," she added.
Especially one you gave a BJ to - and a few other things - I thought. But like her, I figured it was better to leave that unsaid for now.
"I love the Ferrari, everyone here has already ridden in it at least once with Jake," Haley commented.
I glanced at my cousin. Way to phrase it...
Alex raised one eyebrow. "Glad to see you're enjoying it," she smirked, since only the two of us understood my cousin's words differently.
I waited for Alex to take a sip of her drink. "I am, but I'm also using my Porsche Cayenne so Marissa and Haley can join in too," I commented, making her choke.
Marissa handed her a napkin. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just surprised by how rich Jake is," she replied.
Then we heard Claire shouting loudly, "They did what?? They were gambling using fake IDs?"
I could feel a few eyes turning toward me.
Chapter 69 - cheap plot 2
I answered unfazed, "It's not a big deal," about gambling with a fake ID in Vegas.
From the other end of the table, Alex Dunphy muttered with a cynical tone, "Yeah, just a misdemeanor…"
Besides her, the only ones giving me judgmental looks were Claire and Mitchell. To Gloria, something like that wasn't even worth a raised eyebrow.
"I just hope you didn't meet any skank," Summer nudged her shoulder against mine.
Haley pouted, "That's not fair. You do a bunch of wrong things, and nothing happens to you. I would be grounded for months."
"Any luck?" Alex Kelly wondered if I had won any money.
"Twenty grand at blackjack," I replied.
Haley ran her hand along my arm. "How about shopping next week, cousin?"
"A minute ago you were complaining that I never get punished." I pushed her head away, then continued, "And next Saturday I booked CUT by Wolfgang Puck - a VIP private room dinner for all of us."
"You're invited too, Alex," I said, looking at her normally
"Huh, isn't that the restaurant at the Four Seasons that opened in 2002?" Marissa observed. "Any special reason to celebrate?"
"My birthday," I revealed.
Summer quickly turned to me. "Your birthday is next week?"
"That is so sad my girlfriend doesn't know my birthday," I teased, tapping her cheek, though I wasn't really bothered by it.
"Do you know mine?"
"Yours is August 13," I went on. "Marissa is May 4, my cousin Alex is in three days - January 14. I can list everyone's birthday except for the beauty here." I nodded toward Alex Kelly.
"March 10," she replied.
"Okay, smartass, we can all meet at my place on Friday night," Summer suggested, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Have a small celebration just with our group."
I smiled, and we started eating since the food had arrived.
-----------------------------
I was washing my hands outside the bathroom entrance when Alex Kelly stopped beside me.
"You never call me back," she initiated, fixing her hair in the mirror.
"You never told me you were bi."
She gave me a pointed look. "Oh, so that would make a difference?"
"Maybe yes, maybe not," I shrugged. "But let's be honest - you're only pissed because you weren't the one who bailed first."
She just shot me a glare.
"And I've seen the way you look at Marissa during the dinner," I teased lightly. "You look like an 8th‑grader with a crush. Did you write her name in your diary?" I mocked.
"Hey, I'm not like the other three. I will actually punch you," she warned me.
I dismissed her and continued, "Honest, I thought at first sign it was like one of my dad's theories - some girls are so hot or so beautiful that even other chicks would go for them."
I can totally see that happening with Marissa and Alex.
"Your dad is a scumbag," she stated flatly.
"Oh, that he is," I fully agreed.
We talked a bit more before heading back to the table.
-----------------------------
A few days later, Summer, Seth, Ryan, Taylor, and I were in Summer's kitchen, putting the drinks into the fridge.
I opened three Heinekens and handed one to Seth and Ryan, since Taylor and Summer wanted cocktails.
"Cheers, man. Tomorrow - 17 years old," Seth toasted, clinking his bottle against mine. Ryan did the same.
Right after that, Alex and Marissa arrived, carrying a few bags.
"We brought a few more things to mix with the drinks," Marissa said enthusiastically as she walked over to hug me.
"Hi, name's Seth," he introduced himself clumsily to Alex, who greeted him normally.
I lightly smacked his stomach. "Back off, Seth."
He looked at me confused - until Alex got very close to Marissa and brushed her affectionately.
"Oh. My. God," Seth froze with his mouth open. Ryan raised both eyebrows.
"I haven't told my mom yet," Marissa admitted, seeing their reaction. "If you could please be discreet."
"Yeah, don't worry. I know how to keep a secret," Seth replied, still stunned.
"Don't worry, girls. If Seth runs his mouth, I'll burn his comics," I joked.
"Hey," he exclaimed, slightly offended. "I'm not threatening you with scratching your cars…" he paused, "…or messing up your equations."
"Because I would kick your ass."
"No way," he denied. "Ryan, come on, man." He pulled Ryan in front of him. "Jake is a rich kid."
Then Anna, Haley, and Dylan arrived, my cousin immediately wrapped her arms around me.
"Now that everyone is here," I remarked - we had only invited our closest friends - "let's make some drinks."
I began stacking a tower of glasses to prepare one of the most visually impressive drinks I knew.
"What are you doing?" Summer frowned.
"Watch," I said, giving details, "bottom glass gets Kahlúa and blue curaçao." I poured Sambuca into a small cup, grabbed a lighter, and ignited it.
A moment later I poured the flaming Sambuca over the tower, creating a sheet of blue fire cascading down the glasses. To finish it off, I tossed a pinch of cinnamon over the flames, making them erupt in golden sparks.
Everyone admired the drink.
Alex was the first to approach. "Flaming Lamborghini. Not bad." Then she smirked. "You really are a show‑off."
"That is so cool!" Dylan expressed excitedly. "It's like a burning glass tower!"
Seth glanced at him strangely. "That is exactly what it is."
Alex grabbed my beer, poured it into a large glass, added amaretto and rum, then set it on fire before dropping the flame into the beer glass.
She took a sip, giving me a challenging stare.
"Flaming Dr. Pepper," I nodded.
"Well, at least no one here is lighting things on fire with a phone battery," Marissa smiled, remembering how we first met.
Summer pressed herself against me. "I want one too."
I prepared a glass for her, still with sparks falling from the cinnamon in the air.
"Careful," I warned. "This one hits harder than Marissa backing up her car."
"Hey!" Marissa protested, but Summer and Alex were giggling.
Chapter 70: Birthday
After we'd been drinking for quite a while, most of us were pretty drunk. Dylan had already passed out on the sofa.
"Thank you, Taylor," I said as she brought us another round of drinks. At this point we had lost count of how many we'd had.
Seth joked, "Careful, Jake. She could kill you by accident if you said that word."
Everyone who knew the story went, "Uhhh."
"What's the story behind that?" Alex asked.
Taylor answered herself. "After I said, 'I love you' to Ryan, I got a 'thank you' back."
Alex winced, "at least he was polite…"
"Jake, why don't you kiss Haley so you can support Seth?" Ryan fired back.
Haley, still resting her head on my shoulder, raised an eyebrow. "Now I want to know."
"Lindsay is Seth's half‑aunt," Summer revealed, leaning into my other side. "They almost dated."
"Hey, it's still a little traumatic," Seth grumbled, though he'd mostly gotten over it.
"Don't worry, Seth, next time we'll make sure to run a DNA test first," I reassured him.
"Thank you," he replied sarcastically, "and I love you."
Taylor and Ryan chuckled, both clearly past the whole thing.
Alex jumped in. "And here I was thinking my life was messed up. You guys are way worse." She grinned.
"You were kicked out of school," Marissa teased her.
"For what?" Haley was always ready for gossip.
"I brought cigarettes and booze," she admitted, laughing as she took another sip.
"Speaking of that, Jake also got expelled," Taylor added.
"Hey, it's my birthday already. Shouldn't I get immunity during these rounds of embarrassing moments?" I complained.
A unanimous "No!" echoed around the group.
"Okay, fine. I got caught in the principal's office…" I paused, "for libidinous acts…"
Summer bit my shoulder. "Why am I not surprised?" she mocked. "Don't tell me it was with the principal?"
"No!" I protested instantly. "Her daughters."
"Plural??" Seth's eyes widened.
"Twins," I confirmed.
"One more about Jake," Haley encouraged the mob.
"I have one," Alex announced, staring straight at me.
I shrugged - sooner or later it would come out. Better now that everyone was drunk.
"I'm the one who sold the Ferrari to Jake," she revealed to those who didn't know. "And… we had a thing."
"What??" Summer and Marissa shouted at the same time.
"So, you bought a Ferrari and got a bonus test‑drive, huh?" Summer turned to me, dripping sarcasm.
Marissa stayed quiet for a moment, then scoffed. "Of course he did. He also hit on me the first time we met." She folded her arms. "Classic Jake."
"Coop, Alex and me - don't you know how to say a normal hi when you first meet a girl?" Summer made a face.
"I do. Ask Taylor or Anna," I countered.
"What about Haley?" Taylor smirked.
Haley almost sobered up and replied softly, "We met when Jake's mom… you know… passed away."
The room went awkwardly silent.
"It's okay, guys. I'm over it," I reassured them, kissing the top of Summer's head as she hugged me tighter.
I shifted the mood. "And there's a funny coincidence from when we first met, Coop - the cigarette we smoked was Alex's."
"And that was also when I met Ryan."
This time, Ryan was the one who started telling the story of how he ended up living with the Cohens.
-----------------------------
I woke up with a massive hangover. As I rubbed my eyes, I noticed someone else also sitting up in bed, holding her head like it was about to explode.
"My head…" Marissa muttered - then her eyes widened when she saw me.
"Don't tell me we…" She looked around and spotted Summer and Alex also lying in the bed.
"No," I denied immediately. Then, under my breath, I added, "Unfortunately." That earned me a sharp side‑glance from her.
"Oh, come on, a guy can always dream," I joked, raising my hands in surrender, trying to ease her glare.
"You are delusional," Marissa said, but without much conviction…
The other two were waking up as well.
Someone pushed the bedroom door open. "OH MY GOD!" Haley shouted when she saw the four of us in bed.
"Ohhh, who is screaming…" Summer whined.
Alex stood up, glanced at us, then went to her bag to grab something.
"Nothing happened," she told Haley, who still had her eyes wide open.
"How do you know?" I inquired. "You were the drunkest one here."
"We're still wearing clothes," she replied plainly, tossing one of the pills to me. For some reason, there were already bottles of water beside the bed.
"Better luck on the next birthday, big boy," she mocked.
"If anyone had sex here, please clean it up quietly," Summer mumbled sleepily.
"Hey, that would be totally wrong," I protested. "I'm the birthday boy, and I didn't."
"Oh, that's the part that's wrong?" Marissa scolded.
"You guys are meaner hungover than drunk," I commented as I took the pill, then handed it to Summer and Marissa.
"How did we end up sleeping together?" Marissa wondered.
And Alex explained, "It was Summer's idea," she said with a shrug.
"Huh," I looked around. "Why are you on the other side of the bed, Sunny girl?" I questioned, since I was on the left corner.
"That was my idea," Alex answered again. "So there wouldn't be any funny activities while I was asleep."
"Hmm, weren't you afraid I'd get confused and end up with Marissa?"
"You were drunk, but not stupid. You even left these water bottles next to the bed, saying we'd need them in the morning," Alex replied unbothered.
"Kudos to me," I saluted. "And to you - a drunk with memory."
Mine didn't work as well when I got drunk.
This time I asked my cousin, "Where is the rest?"
Haley replied, "Dylan already left, Anna and Taylor are still sleeping in the room we stayed in. And Ryan and Seth are sleeping cuddled together." She smirked.
"Ohhh," I shot up quickly, "we HAVE to take a picture of that."
-----------------------------
Later that day, after everyone had recovered, we went out for dinner at the restaurant. My whole family got together, and for once, nothing unusual happened.
Chapter 71: fifteen percent
I was coming back from a run with Marissa, since Summer couldn't go with us today. We walked in and saw an older woman - in her mid‑thirties - lamenting in the kitchen.
"This is so humiliating. I am so sorry," she muttered, her voice trembling.
"Hey, is this Manny's date?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Jess," Gloria acknowledged, though her eyebrows also lifted in surprise. "How do you know?"
"Well, two things," I explained. "First, I told him to be careful with those chat sites and to only meet anyone here at home." Then I added sarcastically, "Second, I smelled the aftershave from outside."
Gloria rolled her eyes and went back to comforting the woman. "It's okay."
The woman tried to justify herself, "He just seemed so mature online. How could I be so stupid?"
"You're not stupid." Manny served her a cup of coffee. "'Stupid' is not following your heart and taking a chance on love."
"I mean, what kind of eleven‑year‑old talks like that?" she cried again.
"Manny's an old soul," Gloria deadpanned.
I nodded. "He is. That's why I always need to bring my girlfriend or a friend here - otherwise the youngest energy in this house (besides me) is pushing forty."
I had to dodge quickly so I wouldn't get murdered by Gloria.
"Here. Use my handkerchief," Manny offered her.
Gloria spoke flatly, "You see what I mean?"
"I'll just be alone for the rest of my life," the woman whimpered. "And that's okay." She tried to console herself.
"No, don't say that. In my country, there's a saying that means… 'Love is just around the corner,'" Gloria commented, gently rubbing her arm.
"There's a hot woman picture, and sometimes a price tag right after that phrase on the poster, right?" I whispered to Gloria.
She smacked my arm - but she also quietly agreed.
"What?" Marissa gave me a confused look.
"Gloria used a phrase from a love hotel… or, you know… a brothel poster," I clarified.
Marissa made an awkward smile.
"Maybe for you. I mean, men must throw themselves at you every day," the woman said, looking at Gloria.
You have no idea… sometimes I need to tell one of my hidden security guys to give the 'funny' ones a good beating, I thought.
Gloria encouraged, "You just need to find your inner beauty."
"It's hiding beneath a mask of insecurity," Manny added, making a dramatic gesture around her face.
The woman stared at him strangely. "Okay, he's starting to freak me out."
"Manny, go play," Gloria tapped him away.
Marissa stepped closer, offering a gentle smile. "I've been learning a lot about fashion lately - I could help pick out some different looks for you."
Gloria brightened and went to grab her makeup kit and salon tools.
-----------------------------
"I'm home!" We heard Jay's voice at the entrance.
Gloria yelled back, "We're here."
And when Jay appeared, Gloria motioned toward the woman, "This is Whitney. We're giving her a makeover."
"Hi. You have such a nice family…" Whitney gave a small wave. Her hair was pinned back, and she had some makeup on her face. "And a really beautiful house."
"Thanks. You two know each other how?" Jay pointed at Gloria and Whitney.
But Manny was the one who answered, "She's my date."
"Of course she is." He sighed. "I'll be in there." He signaled toward the living room.
Gloria said she'd be right back and went after him. I decided to do the same.
"I'm going to talk to my uncle as well." Marissa, who had been showing me some fashion magazines, nodded.
"Okay, I'll show them to Whitney."
When I sat on the other couch, Gloria was already asking, "How was your lunch with the boys?"
"Good. Ran into Mitchell and Cam."
"Ay, nice."
"You're not gonna believe this," Jay grunted, incredulously. "Mitchell says Shorty's gay."
"Shorty?" She thought for a moment. "Yeah, I believe it."
"Oh, come on!"
"Well, he's a great dresser, a great dancer," Gloria argued.
"That doesn't prove anything."
"He's the only one of your friends who never hits on me."
"My friends hit on you?"
"Yes, all the time. But don't worry, they're a bunch of harmless old men," she dismissed.
Jay threw his arms up. "They're my age!"
"I'm sure it's very hard on Shorty to keep a secret like that. Jay, I think you should talk to him," Gloria suggested.
"What?"
"You're the only one with a gay son. I'm sure he'll appreciate opening up to you."
Jay grumbled for a moment, but then stood up and said he was going to talk to Shorty.
I finally spoke when he left. "Shorty is not gay. You're only supporting Mitchell because Jay probably did something dumb to him."
"Good thing you said nothing," Gloria agreed.
"Yeah, but I'm not taking anyone's side. I just think it's going to be hilarious when Jay tells Shorty that." A mischievous grin tugged at my lips.
Gloria laughed too and pulled me back toward the kitchen.
-----------------------------
After a while, Gloria finished the makeup and hair, while Marissa had already returned with a floral dress for Whitney to wear.
"I'm a little nervous," Whitney said, still hidden behind the divider.
Gloria urged, "Don't be. I'm sure you look beautiful."
"Whoa!" Manny exclaimed as Whitney stepped out, and Gloria gasped.
"What do you think?"
"Look at you! Way better," I chimed in. Marissa and Gloria had done a great job.
"Really?"
"Yeah," Marissa supported her with a bright smile.
Then the doorbell rang, and Gloria went to answer it while we stayed inside.
"Hey, Cam," she greeted.
He handed Gloria some flowers and waved in our direction, saying, "Hi, Manny, Jake, and Marissa."
"Cameron, this is my new friend, Whitney," Manny introduced. "Whitney, this is Cameron."
"Hello."
"It's nice to meet you," Cam added, giving her an assessing look. "That is a spectacular dress."
"What about this hair?" He continued. "Oh my gosh… It's like Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were."
"One of my favorites!" Whitney spoke, excited.
"Me too."
I winced. "Poor girl - she came here for a date with an eleven‑year‑old and now she's going to develop a crush on a gay guy."
"Should we help?" Marissa whispered beside me.
I shook my head. "We did more than enough. I even paid for the dress…"
If it weren't for the three of them, I'd say 'wrong house' and shut the door. In Malibu, that's exactly what would happen.
Chapter 72: Hot crazy chick
A few days after the chaos of Manny's dating disaster, I was kissing Summer on the deck in Malibu when, out of nowhere, I noticed something unusual.
"Hey, usually girls take their clothes off and go inside the house," I called out to the woman who was undressing.
She glanced at me. "Hi, you must be Charlie's son. Name's Frankie." Then she kept taking her clothes off and headed straight into the ocean.
I heard a pointed "hum hum."
"Why don't you look a bit more?" Summer folded her arms and made a face.
I nodded. "Good idea." I immediately turned to look at the woman again, but I wrapped my arms around Summer before she could jab me in the ribs.
I started tickling her. "Stop it, Jake!" she giggled, and I pulled her in for a few more kisses.
"You only know how to take advantage of me," she muttered.
"That I know!" I bit her ear. "Come on, let's go inside," I said, sliding my hand over her shoulder.
"Hey, Dad, there was a woman taking her clothes off and going for a swim," I pointed behind me.
"Yeah. Is this a great country or what?" Dad grinned.
I agreed wholeheartedly. "God bless America!"
Summer nudged me.
"So, who's the chick?" I finally questioned.
Uncle Alan explained everything. "She was trashing a car with a baseball bat when we left the dentist's office and, you know, one thing kind of led to another."
"Was that her car?"
"No, just the psychiatrist's," Alan answered with a hint of sarcasm.
"Well, at least she's not that crazy," I considered.
Summer remarked dryly, "So the psychiatrist part went completely over your head."
"Hey, she trashed a car, then got naked and jumped into the ocean. A psychiatrist was going to be involved at some point in the story - if not in the past, then definitely in the future," I pointed out.
"Hi, Dad. Hey, Uncle Charlie. Hi Cousin Francis and Summer!" Jake came hopping toward us, wrapped in a thin strip of white cloth.
Summer squinted at the sight. "Maybe I'm in a hospice. That's why that woman is here."
"Yep. No wonder you fit right in," I laughed.
She gasped and took a playful swing at me, but I dodged.
"You're just like Gloria and Claire - can't win the argument, so you go straight to violence," I teased, pinning her arms gently before giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Speaking of psychiatric hospitals…" I muttered as I spotted another woman walking toward us.
"Rose, what are you doing?" Alan blinked in confusion, unsure why his son was wrapped like that.
She revealed proudly, "We're playing 'Mummy on a Chair.'"
Summer frowned again. "Where's the chair?"
"In a place like this (hospice), the chairs are invisible," I whispered to her, making her laugh.
Rose didn't hear us and happily ran after Jake (fortunately, not me).
Someone knocked on the door.
"Judith, hi," Alan greeted as he opened it. "I'll get Jake right away."
"Jake, your mom's here!" he shouted toward the hallway. Then he turned to Charlie. "Why don't you go out on the deck and keep an eye out for approaching squalls?" - trying desperately to avoid Frankie showing up at the worst possible moment.
"I'm on it." Dad headed to the deck.
Alan forced a strained smile at Judith. "It's squall season."
She replied flatly, "Remember, I'm bringing him back tomorrow night so I can see my parents." She paused, noticing something, "Why is there a woman's shoe on your floor?"
I cut in before Alan could crash and burn. "It's a new form of art. It'll be a trend in the future." Not entirely wrong - even a banana taped to a wall became 'art.'
"Save your sarcasm, Francis," she scolded, grabbing Jake as he appeared.
Before leaving, she shot one last glare at Alan. "Tell your brother he's a pig."
I answered for him. "Oink, oink," giving a confirming snort before shutting the door so she couldn't add more insults.
Summer crossed her arms. "And here I was thinking my stepmom was bitchy."
A moment later, Frankie showed up wrapped in a towel. "God, I needed that."
"Me too," Charlie smirked.
She continued, "It's like all my insanity and rage have just been washed away." Then she looked at us. "Where can I take a nice hot shower?"
Alan and Charlie exchanged a look.
"I said where, not with whom," she clarified, waving her hands.
Summer volunteered. "I'll show you." And the two of them headed toward the hallway.
"Good, Charlie. Keep hitting on the deranged woman," Alan deadpanned. "While you're at it, why don't you try humping a bear trap?"
"Alan, open your eyes. That is an intriguing and exciting woman. A rare and magnificent jewel," Dad declared as he headed upstairs.
Alan shouted back, "She's hot and you're horny!"
"I'm saying," Charlie called back.
"Good point, Uncle Alan," I added, walking toward the hallway.
"You gonna kick her out?" he asked.
"Not really. I'm gonna take a shower with my girlfriend," I smirked.
-----------------------------
Summer had already gone home - she'd sleep here tomorrow. The four of us were sitting at the table having dinner.
"I just love warm sake," Frankie smiled as Dad poured into the cup she was holding.
Charlie agreed, "Me too." He raised his cup, "Tora, tora, tora!" And the two of them drank.
"I prefer it as a cocktail," I commented, raising my own glass, which had a mix of sake and red fruits.
"You know, Frankie, there are many fine hotels in the area," Alan noted with a hint of sarcasm.
She replied unbothered, "I can't stay in a hotel."
"Why not?"
"Wow, that is a very good question," she said before casually returning to her food.
The three of us exchanged looks when she didn't elaborate.
Uncle Alan tried again. "So, where are you from?"
"Guess," she proposed.
"I wouldn't know where to begin," he blinked, confused.
"Okay," she responded simply, and the awkward silence returned.
Alan eyed us. Dad simply shrugged.