Chapter 370: Howard's Great Crisis
"Because of this man, we can be lonely together, he's become my whole world~"
Once Rajesh got started on this bromance theme, he couldn't stop. Ron took a sip of his bourbon; if there weren't any strippers to watch, listening to Rajesh's comedy routine wasn't bad entertainment. But the atmosphere quickly took a turn for the worse, rapidly deteriorating in another direction.
"We've spent many wonderful times together, like that time we went camping in the desert, staying up all night under the stars, sharing our deepest secrets. I told him I love getting pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his second cousin..."
"She's a very, very distant relative!" Howard shouted anxiously, but everyone just burst into laughter. What was even more terrifying was that Rajesh wasn't finished; he continued his speech.
"That's right, and another time, Howard and I went to Vegas, can you believe it? We actually partied with two actual tigers at Mike Tyson's mansion! Can you believe it? They were real tigers, we even put lingerie on them."
"Hahaha, Rajesh, you must be wasted, how is that even possible?" A Caltech professor shook his head in disbelief. Rajesh immediately became defensive: "I'm telling the truth, Ron can back me up. Ron, please tell them!"
"Yes, I can confirm," Ron stood up. "Actually, I still have the video saved. I'll post it on Twitter right now, you guys can check it out."
Everyone pulled out their phones, and sure enough, Rajesh wasn't lying—he was telling the truth. In the video Ron posted, Rajesh and Howard were each standing behind a tiger, laughing hysterically and gyrating, while Ron was in front of the two tigers, holding their heads down.
The guests couldn't help but exclaim in unison, "That's insane!"
Rajesh was beaming with pride, while Howard felt utterly mortified. If he could, he would just want to duct tape Rajesh's mouth shut right now: "Okay, bro, that's enough, sit down!"
But Howard couldn't move him even after a couple of pulls. Instead, the excited Rajesh grabbed him and hugged him tightly: "Remember that 300-pound girl named Lily we met at that street racing party Ron took us to?"
"I don't remember, sit down!" Howard was practically in tears. Please, stop talking! Otherwise, you'll expose everything!
Rajesh, however, failed to catch the desperation in Howard's eyes. Instead, he became even more animated: "That was the only time I've ever had a threesome, and I'm very proud to say it was with this guy right here!"
"Please, shut up!"
Howard slumped helplessly into his chair, having given up all hope. Rajesh continued recounting their glorious adventure: "Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not saying anything happened between Howard and me. There was a 300-pound woman between us!"
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Howard, his bachelor party was being live-streamed on YouTube, instantly shooting to the top of trending. YouTube was likely to be the biggest winner tonight.
Bernadette, who was at home preparing for her wedding, was feeling a bit tired and decided to relax by browsing some videos. The first thing she saw on YouTube's homepage was this livestream.
"Bernadette, isn't that Rajesh?" Penny leaned over and clicked on it for her. "Oh wow~"
…
The next day, Ron was groggily shaken awake from the couch. He'd drunk way too much the night before and only vaguely remembered that things seemed pretty wild. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Howard's pathetic, pleading expression.
"Jesus, is the bachelor party still going?" Ron rubbed his temples. "Where are we partying next? Should we hit up a strip club?"
"It's over, everything's over," Howard said miserably. "What happened at the bachelor party yesterday got posted online, Bernadette knows everything. What am I going to do?"
"I think I need some water first." Ron got up and headed to the refrigerator.
Rajesh apologized guiltily, "Brother, I'm so sorry."
"This isn't your fault, it's mine. I did all those things, not you." Howard collapsed onto the sofa, defeated.
"To be fair, Rajesh did some of the same things." Ron took a long drink of water, finally feeling somewhat human again. "So what's your plan now? Have you called her?"
"Yes, but she didn't answer, so I wanted to ask if you had any ideas. Leonard said you always know how to handle women. Have you ever been in a similar situation?"
Ron remembered the scene in the apartment building's garbage room where Caroline caught him fooling around with Max, nodded, then shook his head. "Actually, yeah, I've been in a similar spot, but we're different. My methods won't work for you. You'll need to figure something else out."
"Why not?"
Ron helplessly switched his phone to selfie mode and handed it to Howard. "Look at yourself, then look at me. Do you see the problem? No woman can resist a guy with a face like mine. Even if I'm a complete asshole, they can always come up with countless reasons to convince themselves to stay with me. But can you pull that off?"
Howard felt like he'd been struck by lightning. Good Lord, he'd just been dumped by his fiancée over the phone, and now Ron was rubbing salt in the wound. Where could he go to vent? Could life get any worse?!
"I don't know what to do next." Howard sank deeper into the sofa, reeling from the double blow.
"Howard, I've never really understood women either, so, Rajesh, do you have any ideas?" Leonard tossed the question to Rajesh.
"I still have Lily's number, that big girl from the racing party. I can call her for you if you want." Rajesh shrugged.
"I'm not calling her!"
"Fine then, Lily's all mine~"
Ron couldn't take it anymore: "Howard, it's not time to give up yet. Think about it—you were never really in Bernadette's league, but you two still ended up together. What made that happen?"
"Bonding over our overbearing mothers?" Howard seemed inspired and asked tentatively.
"No, it's your persistence!" Ron was exasperated. How did this guy even land Bernadette in the first place?
"So, what you need to do now is the same thing you did back then: keep being persistent. Since she's not answering her phone, go find her in person, explain things face-to-face, and use your trademark move—don't take no for an answer. Trust me, you can definitely win Bernadette back."
"Are you sure?" Howard was still uncertain.
"I'm absolutely positive!" Ron said confidently.
(Would I tell you I'd already seen how this plays out? Of course not~)
"Trust me, not only will you two stay together, you'll even have two beautiful kids someday~"
(End of Chapter)
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