Chapter 226: Incontinent Hilton
"If CSI doesn't show up, what happens to all the evidence I've collected?" Sheldon picked up a sealed bag from the table containing an empty soda bottle. "One of the burglars had the nerve to grab a Coke from my fridge while they were ransacking our place."
"You should be able to get some decent fingerprints off it," Sheldon said, pulling out another sheet of plastic wrap. "These are my prints, so you can eliminate me as a suspect."
"Sheldon, where are mine?" Leonard asked.
"Sorry Leonard, it's too early to rule out an inside job."
"Would it kill you to just tase him?" Leonard complained helplessly. "Ron, look what's wrong with your roommate."
"Hey, you guys are living together now. He's your problem, not mine," Ron gloated.
"I'd be happy to put him on a 72-hour psych hold," the cop agreed. He'd been noticing something off about this guy for a while.
"I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested."
"Yeah, but that shrink might have been a quack. He had a nervous breakdown right after examining you. Maybe crazy is contagious?" Ron muttered while sipping his coffee, earning a death glare from Sheldon.
Ron had just used his federal credentials to check the building's security footage. It really was just two small-time crooks. Several other apartments upstairs had been hit too, and he'd thought it was some major organization seeking revenge. But Sheldon was spooked. They'd actually come to Ron—a rare occurrence—asking to crash at his place.
Are you kidding? Except for childhood when he had to share a bunk bed with little George due to cramped quarters, Ron hadn't slept in the same room as another dude since his freshman year of college.
As the football team's star quarterback, he certainly had the pull to get a single dorm room. American universities are famous for their athlete privileges, especially for someone with Ron's academic credentials.
So naturally, Ron shot down that ridiculous request. However, considering Sheldon's place had just been burglarized, Ron generously offered to let Sheldon crash on his couch for the night.
As for himself, he was heading to Max's place to hash things out with Caroline.
Ron and Caroline were currently on a break due to the whole bakery incident, but that didn't mean they couldn't have some fun together, especially since Caroline had extended the invitation.
When Ron got back to the apartment building, Sheldon's door looked completely different, sporting what appeared to be a high-tech lock system.
"What the hell is that? You turning your apartment into Fort Knox?"
"Ron, it's a titanium deadbolt with a reinforced steel frame controlled by a cutting-edge electronic access system. Want one?"
Howard bragged, gesturing at his handiwork like a door-to-door security salesman. Ron shook his head.
He didn't need it. His combat skills and the claymore mines rigged to his bedroom door were his best defense against burglars and other unwanted visitors.
Sheldon crossed his arms and questioned Howard's claims: "What if they cut the power?"
"It has a built-in 200-watt backup battery system."
Sheldon wasn't satisfied: "What if my keys get stolen?"
"It also features independent voice recognition and biometric fingerprint scanning."
"What if I'm kidnapped, they force me to record my voice, and then chop off my thumb?" If the first two concerns were somewhat reasonable, this third one was just paranoid nonsense.
Ron rolled his eyes: "Then I'll send them a ten-thousand-dollar thank-you check. Any other brilliant questions?"
"Okay," Howard, being the only tech nerd with actual engineering skills in their group, continued showcasing the new security system: "Besides the external features, the apartment now has motion detectors, heat sensors, and cameras all linked to a server running state-of-the-art facial recognition software."
"That sounds pretty solid. Where'd you get this setup? Maybe I could install one at my office."
Ron had to admit he was impressed. For a professional operative like him, this might not stop a serious threat, but it would definitely slow down any intruders. With Ron making more enemies by the day, upgrading his home security seemed pretty smart.
"Uh... that might be a problem," Howard hesitated. "I have a buddy at the Pentagon, and he only had access to one prototype system."
"Only one?" Ron asked suspiciously. "And he just handed it over to you?"
"Well, if I asked nicely, he would. Ironically, their own security isn't exactly bulletproof."
"Great, so if even you can walk out with their classified tech, having it protect my place seems pretty pointless." Hearing this, Ron abandoned the idea of ordering his own system.
As they were talking, Penny suddenly burst through the door. "Raj, your car is blocking my..."
"BEEP! INTRUDER ALERT!"
Penny had barely stepped inside when a massive metal net dropped from the ceiling, completely enveloping her.
"What the fuck is this thing?!"
Leonard quickly untangled Penny from the net.
"It's a perfect security system, but what's with this cheap-ass net? You planning to catch salmon with this thing?" Sheldon scoffed.
"Don't worry, that net is electrified. Anyone caught in it gets dropped and goes into muscle spasms," Howard explained proudly.
"Now that's more like it," Sheldon nodded approvingly.
"How lame! Instead of this crap, we should just install some anti-personnel mines by the door for real security. Anyway, I'm done talking. I didn't get much sleep last night. I'm hitting the hay. Night, everyone!"
Ron said his goodbyes, stretched, and headed to his room. He'd mentioned going on a date with Caroline, but don't forget—that's at Max's place. Besides Caroline, there's also a very hungry Max waiting for him.
Handling two women all night would exhaust even a machine, and Ron was pretty beat, but tonight was destined to be anything but ordinary.
Ron was sleeping peacefully when suddenly an alarm blared from Sheldon's apartment. He quickly grabbed his Glock and rushed over, but when he arrived, he nearly burst out laughing.
At the apartment entrance, Sheldon was lying on the floor, wrapped in the security net, his limbs twitching uncontrollably. Beneath him, a pool of suspicious liquid was spreading, accompanied by a distinctive odor.
Ron pinched his nose in disgust: "Sheldon, please tell me you didn't just piss yourself."
(End of Chapter)
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