Chapter 220: Ron's Learning Life
"Ha! Take that, you old-fashioned plumber!" Ron pressed the item button, and his Bowser threw a banana peel behind him, sending Sheldon's Mario careening into a wall.
Ron's Bowser even had the leisure to reverse and ram the plumber into the gap between the barriers before strutting across the finish line in victory.
"That's not fair! You're a federal agent, so of course you drive better than the average person. Racing against me is basically cheating!" Sheldon complained.
Raj patted Sheldon on the shoulder. "Face it, buddy. Whether it's a real car or a go-kart, you can't handle it. Now it's my turn."
That's right, it was a weekend afternoon—gaming time. Today was a three-player Mario Kart tournament. Ron had been dominating from the start, while the other controller switched between Sheldon and Raj, neither of whom could break Ron's winning streak.
However, Sheldon was basically just there to make up numbers; Ron always managed to lap him at least once. Raj, on the other hand, was quite skilled and could actually compete with Ron.
"I just need to spend more time practicing," Sheldon said with a pout. "I've been devoting too much time to scientific research."
"Even if you played games every day, the result would be the same. What you need are actual driving skills. Or maybe a genie in a bottle to grant wishes to hopeless Mario Kart players."
Raj's trash talk was as sharp as ever when no women were around. However, the good times didn't last long. Penny's sudden arrival immediately rendered the poor guy speechless.
"Sheldon, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"This isn't about shoes, is it?" Everyone knew Penny was broke but loved buying expensive shoes, so Sheldon's concerns were understandable.
"It's not about shoes."
"Okay, go ahead."
"Can we talk privately?" Penny glanced at Raj and Ron.
Ron turned to Raj. "Sorry, man, could you please step out?"
Raj spread his hands, eyes wide. "Why don't you step out?"
Penny also looked at Ron.
"I actually have something to discuss privately with Sheldon too, and I think what I want to discuss will be similar to what you're planning to discuss—both related to academics. What do you think, Sheldon?"
Ron saw through Penny's intentions. It was simply that Bernadette and Leonard had been talking too intimately about physics at dinner yesterday, and she wanted to learn something from Sheldon so they could have more common ground.
Without thinking, Sheldon turned to Raj. "I know it's rude, but they need to talk privately." Hurt, Raj could only retreat to the back room.
With her little scheme exposed, Penny had nothing to hide from Ron. She said sheepishly, "Sheldon, I'd like you to teach me a little physics."
"A little physics?!" Sheldon felt personally offended. "There's no such thing as 'a little physics'! Physics encompasses the entire universe, from subatomic particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to rotating galaxies. All of this is physics. How dare you say 'a little physics'? How dare you!"
"Well, you don't have to sound like you're giving a TED talk. I just want to learn how to talk to Leonard about his work, like Bernadette does," Penny said helplessly.
"Why not let Leonard teach you?"
"I think she wants to surprise him," Ron interrupted, causing Penny to nod eagerly.
"Can't you surprise him in another way? Like, if you cleaned his room, I guarantee he'd be surprised and delighted."
Ron nodded with a smile. "Yes, I'd be surprised and delighted too. Seriously, would you consider this option, Penny?"
"Come on, Sheldon, it's very important to me."
"Penny, you're asking for a lot. My time is both limited and precious."
Ron quipped sharply, "So your so-called precious time is playing video games with me and losing all afternoon?"
Since he was already dealing with one student, Sheldon asked Ron, "Okay, you're right, Ron. Are you planning to learn physics from me too? You weren't interested before."
"But I am now. My interests are a little different from Penny's though. Why don't you help her first?"
Ron grabbed a Popsicle from the freezer and ate it while watching the show unfold.
"Okay, Penny, what's your background? Did you take any science classes in high school?" Sheldon asked reluctantly.
"Of course I did. I dissected frogs."
"You dissected frogs?" Sheldon was stunned.
"Yeah, it was actually pretty fun. A lot of the girls threw up, but I carved up that little frog like I was field-dressing a deer. Hey, Sheldon, you know what? Dead frog legs still twitch sometimes," Penny said proudly, reminiscing.
Sheldon felt his blood pressure spike. "Sorry, Penny, I don't think I can help you."
"Ron," Penny looked to Ron for help, and Ron stood up reluctantly. "Come on, Sheldon, you're so smart, why don't you treat it as a challenge? Or maybe an experiment? Like when you tried to teach your sister Missy when you were kids?"
"An experiment?" Sheldon looked thoughtful.
He had tried to instill scientific concepts in his family before, starting with his twin sister, Missy. Of course, it was Missy who first asked him for help with a math problem.
Then Sheldon embarked on an ambitious experiment: he wanted to see if he could use his genius to transform Missy from what he considered a "dim-witted primate" into a scientist.
The result was obvious: failure. Now, a similar opportunity presented itself again, except this time he had to face Penny, who seemed several times more challenging than Missy.
"Interesting," Sheldon said, showing interest in the proposal. "Since researchers can teach Koko the gorilla to use sign language and dolphins to jump through hoops, maybe I can teach you some basic physics."
"Great!" Penny was both happy and offended. "Although that analogy is kind of insulting, well, if you're willing to teach me, I'll be Koko for a day."
"That remains to be seen. Koko learned over 2,000 words, and none of them had anything to do with shoes."
Penny's grateful expression froze.
"Hahaha," Ron burst into laughter.
"Ron, what about you? Are you planning on learning some basic physics?" Sheldon looked at Ron again.
"Of course not. That's too elementary for a Harvard graduate like me," Ron quickly finished his Popsicle. "I want to learn something more practical. A while back, when I was on a mission in Afghanistan, I found that ordinary explosive devices and standard ordnance did very little structural damage to buildings.
So I wanted to develop more effective methods. I remember when you were in middle school, you tried to build a reactor at home and even got a visit from Homeland Security. Can ordinary people actually do that at home?"
"Of course you can. It's not that difficult. Even a middle school student can do it if they understand the principles. After all, the theory and blueprints are already public," Sheldon wasn't surprised by Ron's question at all. He was the only one who didn't seem to find such questions concerning and instead answered seriously.
Penny was stunned again. No matter how blonde she was, she still understood the word "reactor."
She even began to wonder whether she should call the FBI. But thinking of Ron's federal agent status, she abandoned the idea.
Maybe it really was a work requirement?
"So what would I need to do?" Ron took out a notebook he hadn't used in ages and grabbed a pen to take notes.
"First, you'd need to mine about 3,000 tons of uranium ore and bring it home. After repeated extraction and refinement, you can produce yellowcake."
"I know this part. Back then, you used your mom's credit card to try to buy it from some warlord in Somalia. Your mom actually thought you were ordering takeout," Ron remembered Sheldon's embarrassing story and couldn't help laughing.
"I wasn't ordering takeout!" Sheldon huffed. "I was talking about a compound containing 0.72% uranium-235 and 99.27% uranium-238!"
"Okay, okay," Ron wrote down what Sheldon had just said. "And then what?"
"Then you'd convert it into uranium hexafluoride gas and put it in a centrifuge for enrichment. Since uranium-235 has three fewer neutrons than uranium-238, you just need to run the centrifuge at 100,000 RPM to separate out the uranium-238 like a washing machine on steroids."
Sheldon said it casually, but Ron sensed something was off.
First, where would anyone get that much ore? Then, as far as he knew, a centrifuge running at 100,000 RPM didn't seem like something any average lab could afford.
100,000 RPM meant over 1,600 rotations per second! That seemed a bit unrealistic.
"Okay, is there a simpler method? I remember you ended up using something else. Getting enough ore is a real challenge. Where would anyone even get that much radioactive material? I think Dr. Sturgis taught you another way. What was that about?"
Ron asked, suddenly remembering Sheldon's previous approach.
"Yes, he taught me to use smoke detectors. Smoke detectors contain trace amounts of americium-241, but you can only use those to create small reactors. Ron, what do you need this for?" Sheldon asked curiously, not thinking Ron was genuinely interested in nuclear science.
Ron said nonchalantly, "Who knows? Maybe I'll suddenly get tired of paying the electric bill and want to provide free power to everyone in our apartment building?"
"Oh, Ron, you're such a good guy," Sheldon praised him. He rarely had such high regard for anyone.
"Hey! Hey! Hey!" Penny interrupted their bonding moment. "What about teaching me physics? Sheldon, how are you going to teach me?"
"Hold on," Sheldon had Penny sit down first. He opened a new document on his computer and typed the following:
Experiment Log 1: I am about to embark on one of the greatest challenges of my scientific career: teaching Penny physics. I call it the Gorilla Project, because it's as difficult as teaching a gorilla sign language...
Ron, standing behind Sheldon, watched with a twitching eye. He had no doubt that if Penny saw this, she would bash Sheldon's head in.
However, the most terrifying thing was that, after thinking it over, he had no reason to stop it. In a word: "deserved!"
"Okay, let's get started," Sheldon said, finishing his experiment log and finally standing up. However, when he saw Penny sitting on the couch looking completely unprepared, his expression fell.
"Penny, where's your notebook?"
"I don't have one."
"How will you take notes without one?" Frustrated by Penny's lack of academic preparation, Sheldon pulled a fresh notebook from his drawer and handed it to her.
"Do I really need to take notes?" Penny was reluctant.
"Of course! How can you take a test without notes?" Sheldon said matter-of-factly, and Penny was on the verge of tears.
Ron patted her shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry, Sheldon is a good teacher. He'll base his questions on what he's taught you. As long as you get a B or above, he'll definitely let you pass."
"There are tests too?!" Penny was already regretting this decision.
"Think of it as being for love—love conquers all!" Ron encouraged her, but Sheldon immediately took control of the classroom.
"Of course there are tests, and more than one. It's standard academic policy. I hope I didn't scare you." Sheldon's expression was stern as he followed university protocols.
Ron grabbed a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, enough to drown all of Penny's sorrows, and continued watching the show.
Sheldon's impromptu classroom began: "Now let's start with Introduction to Physics. What is physics?"
"I know," Ron raised his hand to answer: "For example, if I punch you in the face, your face also pushes back on my fist with equal force, so from that perspective, it's equivalent to your face punching my fist, right?"
"Ron, that's just Newton's third law of motion," Sheldon said irritably. "Don't interrupt when I'm teaching. If you do that again, I'll have to ask you to leave my classroom!"
"Well, I've learned what I wanted to learn anyway, and I think Raj will handle the rest for me," Ron called toward the back room: "Right, Raj?"
(End of Chapter)
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