Chapter 103: Cooper Family Affairs 2
"So, are you going to tell them?" Ron narrowed his eyes and stared at Penny, who shivered. "Of course not."
"But I think these guys will still be a little nervous with Missy around," Ron was happy to watch the drama unfold, and a mischievous idea popped into his head.
"How about you take my sister out for a girls' day? She hasn't really explored Los Angeles much."
"A girls' day? Isn't that something you brothers should be doing with her?" Penny rolled her eyes. "Besides, I'm kind of broke right now."
Ron handed Penny his credit card. "Go ahead, get your nails done, hit up some shops, whatever sounds fun, and I'll cover everything today. Missy knows the PIN."
"Sweet!" Penny cheered and planted a big kiss on Ron's cheek, leaving lipstick all over his face. Ron quickly wiped it off with his sleeve. "Hey! Don't go crazy with my money!"
Ron looked at Penny's expression and felt increasingly worried. He snatched the credit card back and called out to Missy, "Missy, Penny wants to get her nails done. She's asking if you want to come along."
"Sounds great." Missy stood up, took the credit card from Ron, and walked out arm in arm with Penny. Before leaving, Penny shot a triumphant glance at the three nerds.
Her look seemed to say: See that? The girl you've all been crushing on is leaving with me!
SLAM
As soon as the door closed, the three geeks who had been playing nice immediately showed their true colors. Howard took the lead: "Listen up, you two—back off!"
Raj pushed Howard's hand away defiantly: "Why should I back off? You back off, dude!"
"Sorry, this is my apartment, and she's my roommate's sister." Leonard inserted himself between the two, trying to use his home field advantage to establish his claim on Missy.
Howard: "So what? You already have Penny."
Leonard: "How do I 'have' Penny? And since when is Penny mine?"
Howard: "Well, can I go after her then?"
"Hell no!"
"Sorry, can I interrupt?" Sheldon finally looked up from his laptop. "I'm getting hungry and was thinking of ordering pizza. Does everyone want pepperoni?"
"And a meat lovers' pizza." Ron raised his hand. "I've got a big appetite and I'll eat a whole one myself. Don't worry, I'll settle up with you at the end of the month."
"You two, can I have a word in private?" Seeing that arguing with his friends wasn't getting him anywhere, Leonard decided to try a more strategic approach.
What a sneaky little guy!
However, Ron saw right through his scheme and shut it down before Sheldon could agree: "If you're planning to talk about Missy, I think we should hash this out right here in the open."
"Fine," Leonard glanced at Ron helplessly, realizing he wasn't as easy to manipulate as Sheldon. He stood his ground and began his pitch, primarily targeting Sheldon.
"Sheldon, don't you realize your sister is incredibly attractive?"
"She does possess that symmetrical, lean physique favored by contemporary Western standards," Sheldon agreed with Leonard. "Historically speaking, fuller-figured women were more desirable because their body weight indicated prosperity."
"Leonard, cut to the chase. What are you getting at?" Ron's question successfully grabbed the attention of the other two nerds.
Leonard quietly took a few steps back, putting some distance between himself and Howard and Raj. "I mean, those two—Howard and Raj—are also interested in your sister."
The two named guys glared at each other.
"Also?" Ron smirked. "So you're admitting you're also interested in my sister, Leonard?"
"It doesn't matter to me. What do I care who she dates?" Sheldon said, confused.
Leonard reminded him sternly: "She's your sister."
"Yes, we shared a womb for nine months, but since then we've gone our separate ways with minimal contact."
"Uh... think about it this way." Leonard began building his case for Sheldon's intervention, so traditionally speaking, the responsibility of making sure your sister dates the right guy falls to you brothers."
"Plus, you and Missy are twins! Do you know what that means?"
"I hadn't considered this," Sheldon had a realization. "We do share identical DNA, so there's a possibility—however remote—that she could produce another me! Another exceptional individual like myself."
Leonard rubbed his hands together excitedly: "Exactly! And you have a responsibility to ensure the genetic quality of your sister's offspring."
"You're absolutely right!" Sheldon said enthusiastically. "If someone wants to get Missy pregnant, they need my approval. I don't want Missy having some dim-witted children like those rednecks back home!"
"Wait, what rednecks?"
Sheldon waved dismissively: "It doesn't matter..."
"Ahem," he was interrupted again, this time by Ron, the Cooper family male with the most authority. "Sheldon, do I need to remind you about Missy's warning?"
"No," Sheldon instinctively covered his crotch.
"Great!" Ron casually tossed his empty ice cream container into the trash. "I've been listening to you guys go on and on. You all want to ask my sister out, right?"
Three heads nodded in unison, staring at Ron with pathetic, hopeful expressions.
"But there's one major issue. Our family comes from a traditional Southern Baptist background, and Missy's favorite foods are fried chicken and barbecue ribs."
Leonard felt triumphant and puffed out his chest, but his two friends immediately objected and began defending themselves.
"Is this because I'm Jewish? If your sister would be with me, I'd renounce my faith and chow down on a bacon cheeseburger right now!"
"Yeah, exactly! For your sister, I'd give up being Hindu and become a born-again Christian!"
Ron facepalmed. Missy's appeal was truly overwhelming.
"Well, gentlemen, if that's the case, let's use the fairest method to decide which one of you gets to become part of the Cooper family." Ron grabbed another pint of ice cream from the freezer, cracked it open, and settled into a comfortable spot to watch the entertainment.
"You know Missy's from Texas, and we Texans settle things the old-fashioned way, so how about you guys duke it out, and whoever's left standing gets to ask Missy out?"
As soon as he finished speaking, Raj immediately tackled Howard and wrapped his arm around his neck. "I'm channeling my inner WWE superstar, and I'm gonna win that girl!"
"I was captain of the math camp wrestling team. Just wait and see, I'll..."
(End of Chapter)
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