Chapter 102: Cooper Family Affairs
The next morning, Ron woke up from the couch in Max's living room, quietly got dressed, and slipped out, feeling a rush of satisfaction.
Last night had been absolutely incredible!
The two women had successfully charmed the editor-in-chief of Food & Wine magazine, landing a quarter-page feature that would be a huge boost for their cupcake business. Ron also collected a hefty tax settlement from the event planner, Paul.
To celebrate, Caroline had polished off an entire bottle of Dom Pérignon. However, with her lightweight tolerance, she'd predictably passed out, so Ron carried her back to her pink Murphy bed, and then...
Max had pulled Ron down right next to Caroline!
Right there beside the unconscious Caroline, the two of them went at it. Of course, that wasn't even the best part. The best part was when Max returned to her bedroom afterward, Caroline came to, and the three of them engaged in round two that lasted until nearly sunrise.
So did that technically count as a threesome?
Ron was lost in thought during his entire drive home, but by the time he reached his apartment building, he had no time to dwell on it. An unexpected visitor was waiting.
"Missy! Haven't seen you in ages! When did you get here? You should've called so I could pick you up from the airport!" Ron was genuinely delighted to see the gorgeous woman sitting on his couch, surrounded by three nerds.
Missy playfully punched Ron's arm and complained, "Your phone kept going straight to voicemail. I thought you were off on some secret mission, so I had to drive all the way to Sheldon's university again."
"I smashed my phone yesterday and haven't had time to get a replacement yet," Ron said, pulling his dead Samsung from his pocket. His warning gaze swept across the three nerds' faces, making everyone who met his eyes visibly shrink.
"What were you all discussing?"
"I was telling them about the time Sheldon modified my Easy-Bake Oven when he was eight and burned off my eyebrow." Even now, Missy scowled at the memory.
"I remember that," Ron rubbed his forehead, "Mom had to draw your eyebrow back on with makeup for an entire semester, and I beat the hell out of several kids who laughed at you. Dad and I got chased home from school by their older brothers every day that month."
Sheldon, who was hunched over his laptop, turned around and said, "I was trying to create integrated circuits at home, and I needed somewhere to melt semiconductor substrates."
"You could've obviously used the university lab furnace!"
Missy settled back on the couch and continued recounting Sheldon's crimes to the three geeks, who kept stealing glances at her whenever Ron wasn't looking: "He also tried to build a combat robot to keep me out of the garage."
"If you hadn't kept breaking into my laboratory, I wouldn't have needed defensive measures. That garage was my research facility."
"Face facts," Ron pulled a carton of orange juice from the fridge and chugged it like he owned the place, patting Sheldon's shoulder with mock sympathy, "You have zero talent for engineering or experimental physics. You can only handle theory. For anything practical, you need other people to do the real work."
At this point, Howard and Leonard puffed out their chests with pride.
That's right, Ron was talking about them!
Sheldon opened his mouth to protest when the apartment door burst open again. Penny held up a pair of blue boxer shorts and announced, "Leonard, you left your underwear at the laundromat downstairs!"
They were Superman-themed boxers, which completely demolished Leonard's brief moment of confidence in front of Missy. He could only wave dismissively and quickly deny ownership: "Those aren't mine."
"Really? There's a name tag with your initials sewn inside," Penny said skeptically, turning the waistband inside-out, whether accidentally or deliberately.
Unfortunately, this maneuver exposed the giant Superman "S" logo on the front to everyone in the room, instantly sealing Leonard's doom.
"Oh, that... that's..." Leonard stammered, then suddenly had an inspiration. "Isn't that the rag I use to clean my spearfishing gear? Yeah, that's right, I'm really into spearfishing."
Americans commonly use three fishing methods: rods, nets, and spears. Spearfishing is considered one of the most macho outdoor sports.
Leonard spearfishing? Ron nearly choked on his orange juice but didn't call him out. He could already picture the scene perfectly.
On some charter boat, Leonard with his stubby legs, wielding a spear gun taller than himself, proudly showing off his catch to everyone. The fish on his spear would probably be smaller than a goldfish cracker.
Whatever. Leonard had zero shot with Missy anyway. Ron continued drinking his juice, thoroughly enjoying Leonard's pathetic performance.
"When I'm not bow hunting, I usually go spearfishing," Leonard continued his fabrication while introducing the newcomer to Penny: "Penny, this is Missy, Sheldon's twin sister."
"Wow!" Penny walked further into the apartment: "You two look nothing alike!"
"Fraternal twins develop from separate eggs, unlike identical twins."
"Thank God," Ron sighed with genuine relief: "At least Missy doesn't look anything like Sheldon, otherwise I don't know if I'd have the mental strength to deal with two Sheldons simultaneously."
For the next thirty minutes, Ron and Penny raided Sheldon's refrigerator while watching with amusement as the three nerds pathetically tried to hit on Missy using various approaches.
Even Penny couldn't take it anymore, so she sidled up to Ron and whispered, "Why aren't you doing anything about this?"
"Why should I intervene?" Ron asked indifferently while chewing his stolen food, "Are you jealous about Leonard, or do you actually think any of these three dorks have a prayer?"
"No way! Leonard and I are just friends, nothing more." Penny quickly clarified, "I'm actually seeing someone else right now."
"Same goes for Missy—she's already engaged." Ron watched Penny's jaw drop in shock and quickly gestured for her to keep quiet.
"Yeah, her fiancé is my best buddy, Forrest Gump. Stand-up guy who'll always treat Missy right. He owns a shrimp boat operation down in Alabama."
Ron shrugged and continued, "But I think commercial fishing is backbreaking work and not great for their future together. I mean, fishermen are away at sea for weeks at a time, you know? So I'm planning to convince him to sell the business and use the proceeds to buy Tesla stock, then move out here to LA to be with us.
Speaking of which, you should probably grab some Tesla stock too. You'll make a killing down the road."
"I'd rather spend that money on a few more pairs of designer shoes. Who knows if the stock market will tank?" Penny rolled her eyes: "But is it really okay to just let this continue?"
"Absolutely. I'm dying to see their faces when they find out Missy's already taken." Ron flashed a wicked grin.
(End of Chapter)
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