Chapter 151: What's it like to have a circle of friends filled with jokesters?
"What a shame about that signed copy of 'Amazing Amy: Growing Up!'"
Detective Amy Santiago shook her head.
"Wow, Amazing Amy, growing up?"
Jake Peralta immediately teased, "How old are you? Still reading kids' books!"
"She's not for kids!"
Detective Amy Santiago snapped, "Don't you know who Amazing Amy is? Haven't you read any of the Amazing Amy books?"
"Oh, please!"
Jake said, "She never rode in my squad car. I know who she is."
"Ugh."
Detective Amy Santiago wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Don't forget our bet."
Seeing her partner's disgust, Jake became more excited. "The deadline's coming up, and then you'll owe me that ride-along."
"You guys?"
Chandler's laughter suddenly stopped, and he looked at the two of them in confusion.
He clearly remembered that the attractive detective had shown interest in him, and he had even asked Jake for confirmation that they weren't dating.
"Don't get the wrong idea."
Jake put his arm around Chandler's shoulders. "It's just a bet. Nothing weird about it. If she loses, I get to plan the most awkward ride-along ever."
"That's easy. You can just recreate my last date,"
Chandler said self-deprecatingly.
"Ha!"
Jake laughed. "Dude, you're hilarious. Why don't you just become a cop? I'll partner with you, and we'll be the funniest detective duo ever. That would be amazing."
"Ha."
Chandler laughed along for a few moments before his smile faded. "I wish I was joking, but I'm not."
"Oh..."
Jake paused, patting Chandler sympathetically.
"Chandler, don't listen to him."
Detective Amy Santiago saw this and jumped in. "Your dating experience couldn't possibly be worse than his. Peralta, tell him about that forensic pathologist."
At this point, she looked at Chuck. "Chuck, remember that medical examiner from our last case? Peralta actually went on a date with her. Turns out she had some unusual interests: she's obsessed with forensics. She got way too intense about it. Not only did she discuss crime scenes over dinner, she even had him lie still while she explained which parts of his body corresponded to which organs in autopsies. It freaked him out completely! Can you believe someone would go on a date like that?"
"Yes,"
Chuck nodded calmly.
"..."
Detective Amy Santiago's smile faltered.
Right.
It was her mistake.
She'd actually thought Chuck would find something like that unusual.
"At least I stuck it out!"
Jake boasted. "Even though it was that weird, I was brave enough to see it through."
He high-fived Chandler.
"Then why didn't you ask her out again?"
Detective Amy Santiago sneered. "Don't tell me she wasn't interested."
"..."
Jake's mouth twitched.
What else could it be? He could handle the initial weirdness, driven by attraction, but as the medical examiner's behavior grew increasingly bizarre, he gave up.
"Chandler, you must know about Amazing Amy, right?"
Detective Amy Santiago, seeing that neither Chuck nor Jake was engaging with her topic, was disappointed and looked at Chandler hopefully.
"Why would I know about that?"
Chandler's mouth twitched.
He sensed something was off.
"You don't know?"
Chuck asked directly.
"...Okay, I do know."
Chandler wanted to deny it, but Chuck's pointed question and the attractive detective's expectant gaze forced him to tell the truth.
"I knew it!"
Detective Amy Santiago pumped her fist.
"Dude, why would you read that stuff?"
Jake looked at Chandler in surprise.
"I didn't want to,"
Chandler shrugged self-deprecatingly. "But as children of writers, my mom thought I had something in common with Amazing Amy, so she sent me those books to show me that writers' kids can have successful lives."
"Your mom is also a writer?"
Detective Amy Santiago asked with interest. "Have I read her books?"
"Oh, that depends on you,"
Chandler smiled wryly. "But I bet Jake has."
"You're wrong. I hate reading," Jake shrugged.
"His full name is Chandler Bing,"
Chuck said.
"Bing... Nora Tyler Bing!"
Jake and Detective Amy Santiago were stunned, then called out Chandler's mother's name in unison.
"There you have it."
Chandler shrugged and laughed at himself, "Everyone knows my mom."
"Say no more."
Jake grabbed Chandler's arm tightly and said with an exaggerated expression, "I officially recognize you as my brother!"
"..."
Detective Amy Santiago was speechless for a long moment before saying with embarrassment and excitement, "But, but, Amazing Amy's parents are children's book writers, and your mom..."
The Amazing Amy series, in essence, follows overzealous parents who document their daughter's life from childhood to adulthood in a series of best-selling self-help parenting books.
This is similar to Beverly's documentation of little Leonard.
However, Beverly's portrayal of little Leonard is more clinical, professional, and academic, while Amazing Amy as portrayed by her parents is more positive, upbeat, and marketable.
So, while everyone in the New York area knows Amazing Amy, few know about the publicly scrutinized Leonard.
"My mom actually is a children's book writer,"
Chandler shrugged self-deprecatingly.
"...Don't be ridiculous,"
Detective Amy Santiago chuckled, thinking about Nora Tyler Bing's romance novels. Countless steamy scenes flashed through her mind.
"Seriously," Chandler said with a straight face. "It sounds a bit far-fetched, but there are indeed places that don't mind children reading these things, so, uh, why wouldn't it count?"
"Where?"
Detective Amy Santiago looked at Chandler in shock, realizing he wasn't joking.
"Europe,"
Chandler said seriously.
"..."
Detective Amy Santiago was speechless.
"Man, you're so funny, you're killing me."
Jake held his stomach and laughed heartily. "That's hilarious!"
In American popular perception, Europe is seen as much more liberal about sexuality, so it's not surprising that in that progressive environment, Nora Tyler Bing's romance novels might be considered appropriate reading material. Compared to what's openly available there, Nora's books would actually be quite tame.
"Chandler was born 30 years too early,"
Chuck said matter-of-factly. "Otherwise, he'd be in textbooks."
"What? 30 years from now, the world will accept my dysfunctional family experiences?"
Chandler scoffed. "And even put them in textbooks?"
"You're quite the comedian,"
Jake pointed at Chuck and laughed again.
"That's not funny,"
Detective Amy Santiago complained. "If America becomes like that in 30 years, I'll move abroad immediately. I don't want my children living in that kind of environment."
"You're overthinking it,"
Chuck shook his head.
"I know, I know!"
Jake covered his mouth, laughing and jumping around, shouting, "Let me explain this. Chuck is saying, Santiago, you're overthinking it. You won't have any children in the future because you won't even have a partner! Haha!"
"That's not what Chuck meant!"
Detective Amy Santiago's mouth twitched, and she glanced at Chuck uncertainly.
"That's not what I meant."
Chuck shook his head.
"See?"
Detective Amy Santiago breathed a sigh of relief, and immediately shot back at Jake: "No partner in the future? No children? Don't project your future onto mine!"
"Then what did you mean?"
Jake ignored his partner and looked at Chuck with disappointment.
To him, that was the funniest interpretation possible!
"What I'm saying is, you can't just move abroad whenever you want,"
Chuck said bluntly. "If you want to emigrate, you have to clear things with the IRS first. I don't think you could, so I say you're overthinking it."
"..."
Amy Santiago was dumbfounded.
"What brutal honesty!"
Jake waved his hand and praised. "You're the first person I've seen who dares to roast the IRS like that. You're fearless."
"I'm not roasting anyone,"
Chuck said seriously. "I'm just stating basic facts."
"Come on. I can see you laughing on the inside,"
Jake grinned.
"Go ahead and laugh. With your terrible finances, the IRS will come knocking eventually,"
Detective Amy Santiago grumbled.
"Come on, the IRS is huge, why would they bother with a small fish like me?"
Jake was incredulous.
"Oh, don't say that!"
Chandler, who had been constantly overshadowed by the jokes, finally broke free from Jake's arm and immediately started teasing him. "If you're brave enough to say out loud that you'll never be audited by the IRS, I'll respect you for it."
"Why wouldn't I be?"
Jake, who thrived on excitement, walked straight to the center of the precinct and declared loudly, "I, Jake Peralta, will never be audited by the IRS!"
With that, the entire precinct fell silent.
"See?"
Jake spread his hands and smirked.
"Haha."
Chandler laughed along, his eyes fixed on Chuck, but Chuck remained motionless.
"That's not how this works,"
Chandler complained to Chuck. "Jake's phone should ring right about now."
"What are you talking about?"
Detective Amy Santiago was puzzled.
Just then, a phone started ringing.
"That's what I'm talking about!"
Chandler jumped up, pointing to the ringing phone at Jake's belt. "That's how comedy timing works!"
(End of Chapter)
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