Chapter 45
Nolan
Jack is in his mancave. By mancave, I mean the spare room he converted into a darkroom where he develops his photos. When he's in there, he's gone for hours—three, minimum. Sometimes more.
I don't mind the silence. Not really. But when the silence stretches too far, I start noticing things.
Like now.
I head to the balcony with a bottle in hand and find Ciel sitting there, absent-minded, golden eyes fixed on the endless stretch of ocean. His body rocks with a faint, automatic rhythm, one hand keeping the baby carrier in motion while his thoughts drift somewhere far, far away.
For a moment, I just watch. He doesn't even realize he's doing it—the perfect loop of a parent's muscle memory. Shake, pause, shake. Like breathing.
The waves crash in the distance, the salt breeze tugging his scarlet hair across his face. And even though his body is here, solid and warm in the twilight, his mind… isn't.
I clear my throat softly, stepping closer. "You'll shake him right out of the carrier if you keep going like that."
He startles a little, blinking up at me, and then lets out a small laugh—quiet, tired. "Sorry. I wasn't even thinking."
"I noticed." I lower myself into the chair beside him and hold out the bottle. "Here. It's warm."
He hesitates, then takes it, brushing my fingers with his as he does. The touch is light, fleeting, but it still sparks something traitorous in my chest.
Ciel leans forward, lifting the baby from the carrier into his arms. The tiny bundle stirs, lets out a soft whimper, then latches eagerly onto the bottle.
Ciel watches him with that small smile tugging at his lips, but there's a weight in his eyes that doesn't leave.
"So what is it?" I ask, settling into the chair beside him.
He exhales, shoulders rising and falling with the sound, a breeze carrying the salt air across us.
"Nothing."
"Uh huh," I murmur.
His mouth twists, and finally, he speaks. "It's just… I like Jack."
My chest tightens, but I manage, "Do you now?" dry as sandpaper.
He chuckles, though it's soft and sad. "Last night we were in bed—well… making out."
Something cracks inside me, but it's familiar. I've lived with it since we were teenagers.
"Okay," I say, clipped.
"When it got heated…" He trails off, gaze fixed on the waves.
I don't want to hear this. I do want to hear this. God help me, I want every detail.
"I can't go to the next level."
Not what I expected.
"My body just freezes up," he admits, voice breaking at the edges. "I want to. I really, really want to. But I can't."
I grip the armrest of my chair a little too tightly. Of all the confessions I expected tonight, that wasn't one of them.
"Ciel…" I start, then stop. Because what do you even say to that?
He's staring at the baby, rocking him absently while golden eyes glisten in the low light. His voice drops, almost ashamed.
"I feel broken. Like my body doesn't listen to me. My heart's screaming yes, but the rest of me just—" He presses his lips together, shaking his head.
"It doesn't matter how gentle Jack is. I can't."
I force my voice steady. "That's not your fault."
I mean it. It really isn't his fault.
I shift closer and take his hand in mine, squeezing it tight. "It's not your fault," I repeat, firmer this time, like if I say it enough he'll believe it.
His eyes flicker, wet at the edges. "What if Jack gets tired of me?" he whispers, voice so small it guts me.
The image of that alpha flashes in my head, broad shoulders and stupid smirk, and I actually snort. "Impossible." The word comes out without hesitation.
Ciel doesn't laugh. His grip tightens on my hand. "But… last night wasn't the first time that happened. It's not the first time I rejected his advances."
I freeze. That's news to me. I thought he was the one tempting Jack, leaning into those touches, those looks. My stomach twists.
"Firstly, I thought it was because I was pregnant," he continues, voice cracking. "Naturally, I couldn't. But now? Now what's my excuse?" Panic flickers in his golden eyes. His breaths come faster, uneven.
"Ciel—" I start, but he cuts me off.
"I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me it's not that big of a deal. That it's nothing."
I clamp my mouth shut, jaw aching. Because he's right—I was about to say that.
"It is that big of a deal though," he presses, desperation bleeding into every word. His hand trembles in mine. "I want to give him everything. I do. But my body betrays me. What if it always betrays me? What if he wakes up one day and realizes he doesn't want a broken omega, he wants someone whole?"
His voice breaks, and so does something inside me.
I want to shake him. Tell him Jack would never leave, that anyone with eyes can see he's in too deep already. Tell him that broken or whole, he's the brightest thing in any room, the only thing that's ever kept me alive.
I squeeze his hand tighter.
"You're not broken, Ciel." My voice is steady, even though my chest feels like it's caving in.
"I am," he says, voice cracking with frustration. "Jack's given me—us—everything, and I can't do one stupid thing?" His eyes flash as he yanks his hand from mine.
"I'm a fucking omega. All I have to do is open my legs, but I can't even do that."
"CIEL!" The word rips out of me before I can stop it, sharp and desperate. His name echoes against the glass of the balcony doors.
He freezes, eyes wide, lips trembling.
I drag both hands through my hair, trying to rein in the storm in my chest. "Don't you dare reduce yourself to that. Don't you dare." My voice shakes, but I force it louder. "You are not some body for an alpha to use. You are Ciel Rosengarde. You are the strongest person I know. And Jack—" My throat tightens, but I shove the words through anyway.
"Jack doesn't love you because of what you can or can't do in bed. He loves you because you're you."
It's not getting through to him.
He pulls his hand away and stands, placing the bottle on the nearby table like he needs both hands free to tear himself apart.
"Yeah, and who am I?" His laugh is bitter, hollow. "An omega he's in a relationship with? An omega who has him raising another alpha's son?"
"Ciel—" I cut him off, sharp.
"You know Jack doesn't care about his parentage," I snap, because he doesn't. Jack never once treated the baby as anything but his.
"Exactly!" Ciel spins on me, eyes blazing. "What are the odds any other alpha would feel that way? What are the odds someone like him stays with someone like me?"
I want to argue, but the words won't come. He's right, in a way. Even I still get blindsided by how steady Jack is, how unconditional.
"I can't lose him." His voice cracks then, raw and terrified. His golden eyes meet mine, desperate and resolved all at once.
"Ciel—Jack cares about you," I try again, softer now.
"It's okay," he interrupts, jaw tight, as if he's made peace with some brutal truth. "If I can't sleep with him…"
My heart lurches. "Ciel—"
"You will."
The words land like a gunshot.
I blink. "What?"
His gaze doesn't waver. His voice is steady, deadly serious. "You're going to fuck Jack."