There's only so much an average person of reasonable moral standing can handle of the void. And that much is usually measured in parts of seconds.
Say, a hundredth part of a second.
Barely.
Someone of feeble mental stability might last a smidge longer, but the only reason you'd think that is you couldn't tell the difference between their before and after.
I, however, consider myself to be a gentleman.
That means I am made of much sterner stuff than a lady such as Enid. Or a mook such as the Headmaster.
That's not to say I didn't think Enid wasn't a tough old bird for her age, but there's a big difference between the leery gazes of malicious old men and the eldritch stare of the Old Twit.
The method of travelling through the void from one place to another wasn't particularly complicated. Essentially, the steps were simply to throw myself into the void via a honking great hole and then hope for the best.
You see, it wasn't up to me where I ended up. No mere mortal, even one as tuned to the void as I, could hope to navigate it and emerge unscathed and still sound of mind. It was entirely up to the mood of the Old Twit Himself as to where I was spat out and in what condition.
I could end up in Chiswick, half drunk, naked, and carrying only a guard's helmet to protect my chilly unmentionables.
To ensure Enid's safety, I would cast a Void Bond. This would keep her firmly at my side until I made it through to the other side.
I would not see her while travelling through the void, but she would nevertheless still be there. As per the rules of being in the void, one is there but is also not there at the same time.
As I cast Void Bond, a purple thread wound around my wrist and snaked out to loop around hers. The thread glowed in a way that sucked the light into it rather than emitted any sort of pleasant glow that normal magic might.
The effect was enough to make her stick her arm out so the loop was as far from her body as she could get it.
"It won't hurt you," I sighed. "It's just so I can keep track of you is all. It wouldn't do for me to lose you in the void. You'd never get out again on your own. The Old Twit might mistake you for a mook and chew on you for eons. Not a pleasant way to go, I'm told."
"Thank you, Taran. That's very comforting."
"You're welcome."
I patted myself down to make sure I had anything, remembering to put my jar of biscuits back into my spatial bag. Briefly, I considered popping the chair into my bag, too, but I'm not a mook and wasn't about to start a new career as a common thief.
Still.
I really wanted that chair.
With a sigh, I turned away from it before temptation got the best of me.
"Are you ready?" I asked.
"I guess so," she said. She stood straight, flexing her fingers as she gathered her mana. She knew her life, as she knew it, depended on this spell. "If I must die, I'd rather die on my own terms. Not cowering in a shoddy little room like this."
"Good for you," I cheered. I'd have patted her on the back, but that's not the sort of thing one does to a lady. "When you're ready, just start casting. Once you're frozen, I'll cut our way into the void, and then off we're go. Hopefully, you won't notice a thing."
"Six seconds?"
"That's right. Not a second less."
"My record so far, I'll have you know, is just under six." She shook her head, looking more than a little concerned. "I was a lot younger then."
"I have the utmost faith in you."
"Twaddle," she said. "Just do me one favour, will you?"
"That depends on the favour."
"If… If I can't hold it that long, and I do go insane…" She took a deep breath. "Please just end it for me? I couldn't bear the thought of being chucked into a lunatic asylum for the rest of my days. Just make sure that doesn't happen, Taran."
I lay a hand on her shoulder.
Nothing intimate, mind you.
Just one human to another.
"I promise you, Enid. Everything will be fine." We both knew this to be a lie, but she did the right thing and nodded along. "But I swear to you now, that if the worst happens, I will ensure you don't feel a thing. Nor will you become a meal for the Old Twit. I'm sure he won't mind losing out on a little protein in this situation."
I felt Him give a gentle nod.
Despite being an eldritch monstrosity capable of wiping out thousands of galactic clusters simply by rolling over in His sleep, He was quite the gentleman Himself.
Most of the time.
"I'm not sure if that makes me feel better, but I'm counting on you," she said nervously. "Alright, then. It's now or never, I suppose."
"When you're ready."
She took a deep breath.
Then exhaled, the words of power riding smoothly over her tongue.
I smiled, recognising Ephrain's Ice Crystal.
As she neared the end, I felt her mana pressing at the air around us. She was pulling everything she had into it. Leaving not even a drop of precious magic behind.
I nodded encouragingly as her eyes glistened with fear.
Fear of failing the spell.
Fear of the void.
Then there was a light pop in my ears and the sound of a great glacial movement. The echoing crack passed through her body and turned her into ice.
In theory, her senses had all been frozen.
Cut off.
She was completely inert.
I didn't waste time admiring her magical skill. I cleaved reality, opening a gap into which I leapt gracelessly. The purple thread felt cold as I hit the void.
Behind me, the narrow slit beamed light into the void causing distant things to twitter and chirp. But, as the slit snapped shut with a crisp snap, silence rushed into my ears.
I was falling.
But I was not falling.
I had the sensation of falling, but there was no air. No wind plucking at my coat.
The closest feeling is that of swimming. But not swimming through water.
Swimming through fizzy sludge.
Six seconds, I had told Enid. All she had to do was hold out for six seconds.
And I hadn't lied. For her, it would be six seconds.
For me?
I watched as something vast and terrible flowed in the distance, approaching slowly.
For me, it would be a lifetime.
As the Elder God approached, I sensed behind it a cosmos of effervescent stars and galactic spirals stretched across a warped plane. Thick tentacles detached from the Old Twit's body, reaching out and plucking lights as easily as you or I might pluck a peach from a tree.
When it drew near, His eyes opened.
First one.
Then ten.
Then millions of them, varying in size from a pea to a planet. All different colours. But all focused firmly on me.
A tentacle, slithered towards me.
A shoggoth shuffled out of the dark, carrying a small tray.
As it approached, a table and chair shimmered in front of me. Conjured by the Old Twit himself. His magic was the magic of creation as much as the magic of destruction. He was, at the end of the day, all things.
I took the offered seat with a nod of thanks and smiled as the shoggoth set the tray down in front of me. Its great hand settled on my head for a moment and I smiled at the feeling of the soft pads of its hand and the fluffy warm fur which reminded me of my childhood.
"It's good to see you, too, Dudley," I told it.
It made a sound which was halfway between a purr and a chuckle and then floated back into the dark. Shoggoths were shy creatures.
The Old Twit's tentacle curled in front of my nose.
Then, delicately, it slid around the handle of a teapot.
Lifted it.
And poured a nice hot cup of tea for me.
On the saucer beside the cup was a little shortbread biscuit.
"Oh," I exclaimed, reaching for the biscuit. "That's exactly what I needed."
The Old Twit rumbled as a chuckle vibrated his immeasurable bulk and caused several holes to form between multiple realities. In that brief moment, wars were fought as entities from one world invaded the other.
Radiation from one layer wiped out all life in another.
Chaos rippled outwards.
Then, as He leaned over me while I sipped my tea, new worlds were born.
Lives flashed before my eyes.
I could feel the Old Twit's question hovering between us. His curiosity burning in his alien heart.
"It's delicious," I told him. "There's a hint of citrus in it, isn't there?"
His tentacle bobbed up and down happily.
Nothing in all the universes seemed to please Him more than a nice hot cup of tea, and this basic expression of a gentleman's class had been passed on to me.
For a moment, I forgot I was within the void.
I forgot that my mind was being assaulted by a constant stream of chaos, paradoxes, and glimpses of realities that no mortal could hope to comprehend.
I smiled up at him. "It's very good to see you again, Father."
***
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