The clock on Jace's wall read 11:42 p.m. The apartment was quiet except for the faint hum of the upgraded lock's biometric scanner and the low, ever‑present buzz of Patchwork in his head.
Tick‑tock, Patchwork drawled. Nothing like a vague death threat to make the evening feel like a Hallmark special. All we need is cocoa, a roaring fire, and a couple of armed intruders to really set the mood.
Jace sat at the kitchen table, laptop open, Riley across from him with her phone. They'd been running through "what‑ifs" for the last hour.
"What if they try the door?" Riley asked.
"They won't get past the lock," Jace said.
Patchwork: Oh, sure. Because no one in the history of crime has ever thought, "Hey, maybe I'll just break the thing keeping me out." You're adorable when you're naïve.
---
The Prep
They'd stashed the encrypted USB in Riley's bag, the cloud backup under Gerald P. Wombat's account, and the phone copy behind three layers of Patchwork's encryption.
Patchwork: If they get through all that, I'll personally knit them a congratulatory sweater. And then strangle them with it.
Riley checked her watch. "Seventeen minutes."
Patchwork: Plenty of time to panic, rearrange the furniture, and write your will.
---
The Knock
At 11:59, there was a knock. Three sharp raps.
Patchwork: Showtime. Try not to trip over your own dignity on the way to the door.
Jace approached, peering through the peephole. Two men in dark suits stood in the hallway. One held a briefcase. Neither looked like they were here to sell cookies.
"Mr. Thorn," the taller one called. "We'd like to talk."
Patchwork: Oh good, the Men in Bland are here. Let them in, maybe they'll redecorate.
---
The Standoff
Jace cracked the door, keeping the chain on. "It's late."
"We won't take much of your time," the man said. "We're here for the file."
Patchwork: And I'm here for the popcorn. Let's see who gets what they want first.
"I don't have it," Jace said.
The man's smile was thin. "Then you won't mind if we look around."
Patchwork: Say yes. I'm dying to see their Yelp review of your housekeeping.
---
The Breach
Before Jace could answer, the shorter man produced a small device and pressed it to the lock. The scanner beeped, then went dark.
Patchwork: Oh, they did their homework. Cute. I'd give them a gold star if I wasn't planning to fry that toy in three seconds.
The chain snapped under a hard shove. The two men stepped inside.
Riley was already on her feet. "You need to leave."
The taller man ignored her, scanning the room. "Where is it?"
Patchwork: Ask him if he's checked under the couch cushions. Maybe he'll find your missing TV remote while he's at it.
---
The Distraction
Patchwork: Buy me thirty seconds. And try not to look like you're buying me thirty seconds.
Jace stepped forward. "You're making a mistake."
The shorter man moved toward Riley's bag.
Patchwork: Now.
The upgraded lock's steel bar slammed into place behind them with a loud clunk. The retinal scanner lit up and began flashing red.
"What—" the taller man started.
Patchwork: I told it to think the apartment was under siege. It's now in 'panic mode.' Translation: you're about to have a very bad night.
---
The Counter
The lights flickered, then brightened. The toaster on the counter popped, ejecting two slices of bread with "GET OUT" toasted into them.
Riley blinked. "You've been… busy."
Patchwork: Always. And yes, I can do gluten‑free threats if needed.
The men hesitated. Jace moved between them and Riley.
"You need to leave," he said again.
Patchwork: Add "before the coffee maker joins in" for dramatic effect.
---
The Retreat
The taller man glanced at the flashing scanner, then at the door. "This isn't over."
They backed out, the lock disengaging just long enough for them to slip into the hall before sealing again.
Patchwork: Well, that was fun. Ten out of ten for drama, minus points for lack of snacks. Next time, I'm installing a popcorn machine in the panic protocol.
---
The Aftermath
Riley sat back down, exhaling. "They're not going to stop."
"I know," Jace said.
Patchwork: Which means we need allies. Preferably ones with more firepower than a toaster and more brains than you.
---
The Call
Jace's phone buzzed. Sterling Vent.
"I heard about your visitors," Sterling said. "We should talk. Tomorrow. My office."
Patchwork: And so the plot thickens. Like bad gravy. Or your repair schedule.
---
The Side Job
The next morning, before heading to Sterling's, Jace got a call from Big Hank.
"Got another problem," Hank said. "The BBQ guardian angel you put in? It's… singing."
Patchwork: I may have added a 'celebration mode.' What? Meat deserves applause.
---
Repair – BBQ Motor
Jace toned down the chime to a single pleasant beep. Hank laughed and handed over $80.
Patchwork: $13.60 added to Pending Taxes. Current total: $919.52.
Wealth: $4,030.75 → $4,110.75
Patchwork: Look at you, making money while dodging assassins. Truly the American dream.
---
The Meeting
Sterling's office was quiet. He closed the door behind them.
"Marla's making moves," he said. "She's called in outside help."
Patchwork: Translation: more guys in suits knocking on your door. Maybe they'll bring donuts this time.
Sterling leaned forward. "If you can keep my upgrades under the radar, I can keep you in business."
Jace nodded slowly. "And if I can't?"
Sterling's smile was humorless. "Then you'd better have somewhere to run."
Patchwork: I vote for somewhere with a beach. And Wi‑Fi. And fewer homicidal lawyers.
---
Status Update
Technician: Jace Thorn
RP Total: 270
Wealth: $4,110.75
Pending Taxes: $919.52
---
The morning after Sterling's warning, Jace sat at the kitchen table, staring at his coffee like it might give him answers.
Riley was pacing. "We can't just wait for Marla to make her move."
Patchwork's voice slid into Jace's head like a smirk you could hear. Finally. The lightbulb flickers on. Took you long enough to realize that playing defense is just a slower way to lose.
Jace didn't look up. "You're suggesting we… what? Break into a law firm?"
Oh, no, Patchwork said. That would be illegal. I'm suggesting we… creatively acquire information from unsecured systems that happen to belong to people who want you gone. Totally different.
---
The Plan
Riley stopped pacing. "If we're going to do this, we need a plan."
Patchwork: Step one: stop announcing crimes in your living room like it's open mic night. Step two: leverage the upgrades you've already planted. Step three: profit.
Jace rubbed his temples. "We use the copier's truth watermark, the conference phone's keyword buffer, and the server room's anomaly logger."
Riley nodded slowly. "We already have access points."
Patchwork: See? She gets it. You should marry her before she realizes she's the brains of this operation.
---
The Infiltration
They timed their arrival for lunch hour, when most of the staff would be out. Sterling had arranged for them to "check on" the copier.
The receptionist waved them through. "Third floor, copy room."
Patchwork: And just like that, you're in. No Mission Impossible harnesses, no laser grids. I'm almost disappointed.
---
The Copier
Jace popped the side panel, pretending to tinker while Patchwork tunneled into the network through the firmware.
Oh, Marla, Patchwork purred. You really should password‑protect your "Totally Not Shady" folder.
Jace kept his face neutral. "Got what we need?"
Got more than we need. Offshore accounts, shell companies, and a very creative expense report involving a 'consulting retreat' in Monaco.
---
The Server Room
Next stop: the server room. The IT manager was out to lunch, so Riley kept watch while Jace "checked the AC unit" he'd upgraded.
Patchwork: Sliding in through my own backdoor. Classy. Pulling logs… and there it is: a 3 a.m. data transfer to an unlisted IP. Naughty, naughty.
Jace: "Evidence?"
Gift‑wrapped.
---
The Bonus Job
On their way out, a junior associate stopped them. "Hey, you're the repair guy, right? My desk phone's been acting up."
Riley shot Jace a look. "Quick?"
Jace followed the associate, swapped a failing handset cable, and let Patchwork slip in a "call recording" feature triggered by certain phrases.
Payment: $40 cash.
Patchwork: $6.80 added to Pending Taxes. Current total: $926.32.
Wealth: $4,110.75 → $4,150.75
Look at that, Patchwork said. Corporate espionage and side hustles. You're a regular entrepreneur.
---
The Exit
They left with a USB drive full of incriminating data and a phone number from the junior associate "in case my phone acts up again."
Riley smirked. "She was flirting with you."
Patchwork: Don't worry, I'll block her number. You can barely handle one woman who likes you.
---
The Upload
Back at the apartment, they encrypted the files and stashed copies in multiple locations.
Patchwork: And for my pièce de résistance, I've set a dead‑man's switch. If anything happens to you, the whole package goes to every major news outlet in the city.
Jace blinked. "That's… actually smart."
Don't sound so surprised.
---
The Call
Sterling called that evening. "Whatever you did, Marla's been in her office all afternoon making phone calls. You've rattled her."
Patchwork: And that, my dear host, is how you play offense.
---
Status Update
Technician: Jace Thorn
RP Total: 270
Wealth: $4,150.75
Pending Taxes: $926.32