[Bitches, where is my morning quickie?] I complain upon waking up and realizing I am alone in the room.
Even the goblins left.
[Ungrateful sluts] the lack of respect abounds around here.
[Umm…]
I examine my body carefully, moving very slowly. The pain is normal by now; it has become background noise, like what you feel the day after a heavy workout routine mixed with a street beating.
[I really need to know what this bullshit is] I say, lifting a withered plant.
Although at first I thought it was a huge plant attached to me, in reality, they are many small shoots like flower buds, which intertwine and stick like ticks to my skin.
Yesterday I noticed that, after reaching a certain size, they fall off and stick to the furniture.
But these withered.
[Is it because they didn't manage to mature?… Well, whatever.]
No use thinking about it right now; we'll see later.
...…
[Shitty cats, you haven't died yet?]
When I go out into the penthouse living room for the first time, I can't help but notice the super-developed cat and the playboy cat sunbathing on the terrace as if they owned the place.
"Grr!" "NYAAAA!"
Both growl at me with annoyance before going back to ignoring me.
[Yeah? I don't give a fuck.] Shitty cats.
By the way, how did the giant cat get its eyes back?…
[Can't you go 5 minutes without fighting with anyone?] Carla appeared complaining, interrupting my important thought pattern.
[Bitch, where is my sandwich?]
[Ahhh, sit down. I'll bring you breakfast] she said and went to the kitchen.
She wanted to appear casual, turning her back on me quickly, but I could see her ears turning red.
Kekeke, smells like easy prey.
[I'm going to hit you.]
[The Rat Kid didn't say anything.]
[From your face, it's obvious you're thinking about something nasty.]
Why can all these bitches read minds?
Anyway, after receiving the bowl of hot cornstarch porridge, it's obvious my sandwich remains a distant dream.
[Since the goblins finally separated from you, I guess you're cured?] Carla sits in front of me and asks while scrutinizing my body with her eyes.
[It only hurts a little now, but I probably won't be able to make sudden movements for a while without facing the consequences] I say between bites. This porridge is so damn good.
[Where is everyone?] I asked finally, scraping the bottom of the bowl.
[Weren't you the one who said we would leave early today? Everyone is helping and you still have the nerve to wake up late.]
[Well, sorry for dying, dammit.]
[Hmph, you look in perfect condition to me.]
[Yeah? Maybe if someone hadn't been calling me in the middle of the night.]
[GYAAAAA, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!]
Today was a wonderful morning.
.........…..
[And the Rat Kid goes vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Long live the Rat Kid, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.]
There was the Rat Kid, sitting in the front seat of a metal beast.
A semi-armored tactical police truck. Matte black. Reinforced grilles on the windows and a front bumper that looks designed to knock down concrete walls (or obese zombies).
And for once, I'm not in the back handcuffed. Instead, I pretend I'm driving like a 5-year-old.
No one can judge me; no father figure played police driver Rat Kid with me when I was little. I have trauma.
And yes, I may have driven one before towards a horde of furious goblins, but it's different. The life-or-death situation prevented me from enjoying it.
It's all about the feeling. Man stuff.
[Hey, if you're not going to help, at least don't get in the way. Your delusion is annoying] the receptionist bitch complains, passing by with a box of supplies.
[I refuse. The Rat Kid goes vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom] in fact, now that I know it annoys her, I'll do it more insistently, kekeke.
This truck is simply great; the Rat Kid feels his manhood growing by the second.
[How many vehicles did you manage to save?]
[More than enough for those of us who survived.]
I nod without further questions. The Rat Kid doesn't care.
By the way, the streets are free of goblins. As I understood, the survivors started fighting for supremacy, but far from here.
The Rat Kid believes the monsters from another world learned a valuable lesson that the living beings of this world learned centuries ago.
Don't mess with an AK-47.
[If you like it so much you can keep it.]
[Grandpa~~~!]
[Grandson~~~!]
I hug my dear grandpa. Is it you? The grandpa I didn't know I wanted?
[I shall call her… Muriel.]
[[[WORK, DAMMIT!]]]
Auntie drags Grandpa along with the rest who are loading supplies and other things into the trucks.
[I don't care about the rest, but scratch Muriel's paint and you're dead.]
[[[[…]]]]
[Look what you did, you stupid old man.]
[But he seemed to like it so much…]
......…
[That was exhausting, but we are ready to leave.]
[[[But you didn't do anything!]]]
[Slander, the Rat Kid gave moral support.]
[[[You literally got in the way on purpose!]]]
[…. I'm tired of this conversation. Auntie, start Muriel.]
[[[How did you do that…?!]]]
[IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I TELL YOU NO!]
While Auntie made excuses for her obviously negligent parenting—me being the living proof of her educational failure—Grandpa Orangutan approached with Shiro and Kuro. Even the 9 millimeters are fine.
[Grandpa…] I get emotional because I had given them up for lost.
[Grandson…]
We hug again. After all, you are my grandpa.
[Hey, hey, what are you giving a child?]
As always, women came to ruin men's fun.
[Well, I thought I should give him his belated birthday presents.]
Grandpa Orangutan says it with a light face.
Best birthday ever.
Because now the Rat Kid can do a good cosplay.
[Astrad, hand them over.]
[Over my dead body.]
[That can be arranged.]
[HIIK!]
I hide behind Grandpa. The Rat Kid cannot hand over his heart and soul. How do you hand over a heart and soul in the first place? Do you want to kill the Rat Kid?
[You will never take Shiro and Kuro.]
[[You named them?]]
Auntie and the receptionist complain, but Grandpa defends me.
[Come on, didn't we talk about this? We'll teach everyone to use weapons and he was already using these.]
[That was an exceptional case. First we have to teach them to use them properly] the receptionist bitch retorts and, for some reason, even the bitches Carla and the others nod in agreement.
Bitches, whose side are you on?
[[[Kug!]]]
When I look at them reproachfully, they look away.
[Besides, even if we give them weapons, why the hell are you giving him Magnums?]
[Obviously because they look cool.]
[[THAT IS NOT A VALID REASON!]]
[THE RAT KID DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK.]
[Ahhh, Astrad, I'm speaking seriously, it's dangerous. Can you yield, even a little? For me?] Auntie uses blackmail, but it's not effective for the situation.
[I can yield on many things for you, but let me remind you where we are] I say extending my hands.
[Welcome to the fucking apocalypse, a place where one moment you're cursing a rat's mother and the next you have a shitty giant octopus wanting to avenge the pain of his race.]
For once, I don't say it with sarcasm; it is literally that.
[So, asking me to drop any tactical advantage, however small… save your breath] I conclude and hop back into the truck.
Auntie and the receptionist bitch clench their hands as if they wanted to refute me, but without having a way.
[Now come here and carry me on your lap so I can pretend I'm driving] I ask Auntie.
Mainly because every memory I have in which I drive ends with me crashing into something.
[Grandson, I…]
[There is no way I'm sitting on a man's lap. You're 17 years and a sex change too late.]
After my refusal, Grandpa goes away crying to the truck transporting the super-developed cat.
The Rat Kid is many things, but heteroflexible is not one of them.
[Ahhh, can you stop embarrassing me? Move over] Auntie finally yields, but instead of wanting to play Rat Kid police driver, she signals me to move aside, while the others get into the truck.
[OVER MY DEAD BODY] I hug Muriel's steering wheel with every ounce of strength I didn't know I had.
[That's starting to sound like an invitation.]
[Hiii! I'm moving, I'm moving.]
Living good, dying bad. It's fine anyway, because Auntie is a woman, so it's not infidelity, it's like a threesome.
Besides, back here I can play harem king.
[Hey, where are you touching?]
[I don't know, where?]
[Hiack!]
[Imbecile.]
[Mrs. Yumi, he is touching me.]
[I am not touching, you are touching.]
[No oo.]
[Yes iii.]
[[[NO OOO!]]]
"GRIIII!"
[That child of yours really is exasperating…]
[Ahahaha…]
Auntie smiles bitterly when the bitter receptionist slanders me.
Bitch, is this how you thank me for letting you ride shotgun?
[If you didn't like it, get out of my Muriel, you harlot.]
[Make me.]
[Do you think if I could I wouldn't have done it already? Stupid.]
[What did you say, brat?]
[Stop touching while pretending to talk seriously with others.]
[Hey, doesn't the pinch hurt? Why don't you let go?]
[You are noisy, behave.]
[[[[But he/they…!]]]]
[Behave or we are not going anywhere.]
[[[[Sorry…]]]]