Chapter 15
To Sleep, To Dream Any Dream (Return to the main story.)
Day 72
Samuel said, "Do you sleep?" It was an innocent enough question for him.
The creature in a giant puffy dress said, "I guess I do, sometimes?"
A stem up petal down flower was the only description that came to the man. He tried not to laugh. He didn't know why he should care about the feelings of this creature. Still, it would be best to try and stay focused. An upside-down pink rose? Yes, it most definitely is an upside-down flower. A rose standing on its head? He asked, "Do you sleep more or less than humans?"
Mercy said, oblivious to his thoughts, "Less than most humans, I think?"
"Do you dream?" He spoke full of curiosity now.
She replied, "I can't answer the question." Her head leans slightly over.
Samuel continued asking, "Do you have a reason? For not being able to answer?"
Without a care, she said, "Often it is very hard to tell the difference between dreaming and not dreaming." She tried to flatten the lower part of her dress. Her hands pushed down in a rhythmic motion like she was paddling. But as soon as her hand moved, the dress popped back up. So, she continued with the same motion.
Samuel tried to offer some understanding. And this could lead to more information about the far place. He said, "I believe, that would make it very hard to know when you're sleeping."
She exhaled, "Very often, it is like that." Mercy continued the fight with her clothes.
The man nodded. He wondered if she was aware of her current behavior. He poured coffee into Mercy's cup and handed it to her. She accepted the cup and kept on fighting with her other hand. But when she pushed down on part of the skirt, another part came up. This seemed to continue for a long time.
He joked, "In the greatest dress and clothes battle of the year the Goddess-Queen called Mercy is ahead by a large number of strikes and licks. The dress never had a chance. The crowd roars." He tried to imitate the sound of a group of people cheering. "Yes! Yes! The Goddess-Queen has won. It was a devastating victory. The dress never had a chance."
Calmly, she finished the coffee and placed the cup in the box. She pressed both hands down on the dress. Her face drifted toward the clouds as she said, "I begin to like humor. Have I told you that? I believe it is true. I am liking humor." She became silent. Then she stared at things that were not there.
A tiny voice whispers, "Hey, Coffee Man, I got a plan. Go along with the monster. She won't hurt you. I think I can stop her from hurting you, and I think she really doesn't want to hurt you."
"Are you the girl?" He asked. In her eyes, the honey ring worked to overtake the grey.
"Thanks for the coffee. Remember, I'll try and do what I can." The voice faded.
Mercy sat motionless with her eyes to the sky. One hand was raised like she was cupping his face. She was like one of those ancient statues he found in old places.
Several attempts later, she had not moved or spoken. But she seemed happy. Wherever she really was. The man could wait for Mercy's return. What choice did he really have? The little voice, he felt certain it could be trusted. Why? He didn't have a reason. His eyes closed as he pondered. Mercy will return when she's ready. He was tired. He slept. Really, what choices did he really have?
The sound was very distant. What is it? There it was again. "Samuel. Samuel, you are slipping." His eyes opened. The world was fuzzy, but the voice was correct. He pulled himself up in the chair. "Oh hello. Heard you talking."
A soft, creepy voice said, "Samuel, we have concluded; you should not sleep in the chair. You are not capable of the proper rigidity."
He answered, "Rigidity? Never had that problem before." What is this thing talking about?
She faced the man with the appearance and movements of a small child as she spoke. "Samuel, we are..." She faded for a moment. "We wish you to eat and rest. You will do so now."
"Mercy," he was agitated, and his thoughts were fuzzy. "Giving me orders...," he stopped himself. "I believe the best way to proceed is if we try not to give each other orders."
She was puzzled and replied, "We believed these were the proper actions for you? We have offended you? We must correct error?"
Samuel interrupted. "Hold on. There was nothing wrong with what you suggested. Your phrasing surprised me. You have nothing to correct. Got it?" She could go on all day, and he had to stop it. Talk too much to crazy and crazy starts coming out your mouth. I'll have to stop myself from becoming too much like it.
"We have offended Samuel? Mercy must correct phrasing." She went on.
Terms of endearment usually calm it down. So, he said, "Little One, I would like to explain. Will you listen to my explanation?" I have to be more careful. I can't start it off on a crazy path and expect to get it back quickly.
She rambled on, "Mercy will listen, if listening will repair offence. Samuel has been offended."
He explained, "When I woke up, I had sleep grouches. When humans wake up it takes a little while for us to understand the world around us. And sometimes, we are grouchy. We just say stuff. We were just sleepy and grouchy. Do you understand?" He hoped she could let this subject drop. in the past she seemed to have trouble letting things go.
She continued, "Mercy will not give human orders. Mercy does not like human to be sleepy or grouchy. Mercy only wanted wellness for human. Mercy had concern; human would fall?"
He spoke calmly but firmly, "Mercy? Mercy, look at me." Sometimes, it really does act like a small child.
She faced the man. She would not say. But suddenly she had the urge to run.
Samuel's head cleared. "Sometimes people act poorly when they are waking up. It was not you."
"Kindness?" She murmured. "Mercy will..." she stopped.
He placed his hand on her knee. "Little One will remember not to be upset by Samuel behaving poorly." That would be good advice for anybody. Pain really does make you kind of crazy.
She said, "We still do not understand such kindness from human. I am beginning to like being called little one." The smile of a serpent returned to her.
He sat back. "I'm glad." It's hard to believe that this thing is responsible for the state of the world. He didn't realize how normal Mercy's world had become to him. Maybe it was too late to care.
"Samuel, if you wish now, I would like to check you for rigidity? I was quite sorry to learn you didn't have proper rigidity." She giggled at the man or at hrself. "I believe I would be very good at checking for rigidity. I was very glad to hear that you do not have a problem with rigidity."
He replied, "My rigidity is just fine. And I'll thank you not to talk about it." He tried not to, but he grinned anyway. "Well at least you're trying to make a joke."
She became very animated and dramatic as she said, "Rigidity. Rigidity. I believe I really like saying rigidity. Rigidity. I will now recite all the ways I wish Samuel to have rigidity...."
Samuel thought that this too would pass.
Day 73
He knew the word, coffee, from the old books. Maybe, it tasted like coffee? He thought. What do I actually know? The voice? Is it really the human part of the creature? It speaks when Mercy seems distracted? Maybe, when Mercy is happy? Off in that place she says humans can't go. Only one or two sentences at a time. Each time, more confident than before? It said it had a plan. It also said the creature won't hurt me. No, that was 'monster.' The voice said 'monster.' I don't believe Mercy can call itself a monster. What is the path ahead? Find out more about the voice, the girl? Or do I go after its plan. I really don't know what it wants. How do I do that without getting Mercy suspicious? What would she do anyway? She does love to talk about her greatness. Well, the voice had a great fondness for what she called coffee. There must be a path forward? Anyway, it is time to decide. Maybe, Alyssa's right, "if you pay attention, the future will show you where to go."
It had a hat like the old man's hat. The felt was softer, and the brim was shorter. But it was like the one Samuel had. The dark gray of the hat went with the dress and boots. Even the blackness of the gloves did not seem out of place. The dress was long and sleek but not form fitting. Samuel was surprised at himself. Each time she came, each dramatic entrance, she appeared to be a little more human.
He raised his eyes to speak. "Less puffy, today? Good morning."
It said, "Good morning, Samuel. I did not like being puffy." With a gloved hand, she brushed the chair seat.
"Nobody does. I guess?" He decided to give the creature a push, a sense of urgency. "Mercy, my time is short. I need you to tell me what you want, before... Well, if you wait, I won't be any help."
"I understand this." She paused to stare at a spot in the sky. "I am sorry. The waiting is needed. We had to complete the gathering. The joining must be decided and completed."
"The gathering is finished? No more sisters come here?" It's not possible for all the Sisters of Mercy to be here. There's not enough food or room. The man would have seen more.
She said, "Yes, it is complete, now." Her gaze had not shifted from her chosen spot. "We are... And many are here now."
The man didn't like those creepy black eyes, but he replied, "I don't understand, the joining must be decided. Tell me about that?"
It explained, "You were with the sisters and the man. It is like that. We decide which part stays and which part stays. Stays here or stays with us. It is decided by we. Some will continue and end. Some will continue and be with us. It must be decided. To end? To join? Does Samuel understand?"
He answered, "Are you deciding who joins you in the far place, and who doesn't?" It speaks good nonsense.
It said, "Yes, this is how it would look to you, Samuel. We must complete. Before." It had not moved.
He didn't say anything for a few minutes. A chill rose up his spine. The creature was sending the stragglers, the weak, or the useless ones to the mad death.? He couldn't be sure. Did he really understand her? Was she ending her sisters? What would that mean? Something is going to happen? She doesn't want any other queens popping up? She's preparing for something? What would that be?
"I didn't get that, before what? I am having trouble understanding what you mean. Could you tell me what you meant?" He asked.
"Before we are ready." Her voice was calm and even.
Samuel stated and asked, "Ready for what? Sometimes understanding you is harder than shoeing the mule, and a lot more confusing. I'm sorry, I know you're trying."
Mercy seemed to be concentrating. "The before must be completed, so the next can be completed. This is how our next is ready. It must be done, so it can be done."
"Mercy, are you trying to say that you have to complete each step before you can move on to the next?" He guessed.
She smiled an empty smile and said, "Yes. I knew my Samuel would understand?"
Concerned, he asked, "Mercy, do you need to go to your sisters now?" It was acting odd? Soon it wouldn't be here at all. And when it drifted, it couldn't be trusted.
"I am going to sit." She replied as she stared blankly into nothingness. Once again, she froze like some ancient statue.
He was sure the creature couldn't see or hear him anymore. He left for the barn.
Several hours later, Mercy stood and paced between the chairs. She waited for the man. Even so, she was so introspective that she did not see his approach.
He was five steps behind the chairs. Something was different with the creature. Anxiety maybe? Some kind of self-contemplation. It didn't feel right to interrupt – whatever it was? But time was running out. And he felt like he needed to force the issue or at least try and find a way to make some progress. He hoped this was the right direction. He said, "I don't believe the ropes can help you anymore. You seem to be falling apart? Maybe I could help you with something. Something that can help you focus?"
She paced and murmured, "We are compelled..." There was a pause and she mumbled, "Mercy has pressure... I have a great urge to tell you the secrets of the girl, Defiant?" Mercy stopped.
Samuel waited.
She looked directly at the man and said, "I am not like my sisters? We are not like them? I know her well, but she is lost to me? I am becoming lost, maybe?"
Samuel said, "Sometimes, just telling the story can help. How about, starting wherever you feel like starting." He lightly grasped her gloved hand and guided her to her seat. Focus, you whiney little creature. Oh God, you' are whiny, aren't you? Sometimes.
It said, "It is as I have spoken. I joined with the girl and became we. In the forming of the we, I became the I that was before. The I that I was before Mercy. It was the beginning of this before that created the first sister. Even with the sisters, I was separate. Not the same, maybe." Mercy paused. Eerie black eyes shined through the man.
"Yes." he didn't know what else to say, "And all of this has something to do with the secret you're compelled to talk about?" I may be in trouble. I think I'm getting used to the nonsense.
"Samuel, a sister can only become a sister through the completion of certain behaviors. We must do with humans?" She paused. "It is that we are all driven to..." Her black eyes blinked. "The joining is done by joining..." She muttered.
"Today, you cannot say the thing you usually cannot stop saying. Can I stop your fumbling around this?" He offered.
"Yes, please." a serpent smiled. "My words do not want to come."
"A sister is created during the transfer of fluids specific to sexual activity. It can be transferred to any individual to any other individual regardless of gender. And..."
"Please stop." She interrupted. "I did not want to cover all the details. I wanted to be sure you understood. Today, the telling of this is difficult." Her eyes turned toward the ground. "The speaking of these words makes pain in my – ears as well. Before the teaching of Samuel, I did not know shame. The learning of shame has made me less. Less Mercy."
"You surprise me, Mercy." He stated, "I believe you may have changed more than you realize. You seem to have gained a respect, or reverence for things you normally make light of."
"This makes me less. Not your words." She hurriedly looked to the man.
"Understanding has changed you? It's alright," he tried to smile, "go on."
She said, "To understand what was not understood. We have learned. I have learned much. I have learned sadness. I have learned to question Mercy. I have learned Defiant will not speak to me. And that is my own doing. I, also, know that Samuel is not mine. That I am a creature to him. It is likely I repulse him, you. He is not mine to hold or have. You are not mine. I have learned I can have fondness for others. That is my secret and my pain. Also, with learning and understanding, I find that I have lost my beloved demon. Defiant, her secret is harder for me to say. I have lost the only two others I have ever loved. One was a demon that was not real. And the other a girl who should have been part of me." She stopped speaking. Creatures do not cry. Mercy does not cry. Tears formed in Mercy's eyes.
"Little One," he lowered himself to find her eyes, "who do you cry for? Mercy, Defiant or me?" I think I found a little bit of a human.
She smiled with a sad smile. "Yes. Look at us, Samuel. A girl from another time with no voice. A broken Goddess Queen. And a dying human. Together on a quest to save – something? Does either one of us really know what that is? We can't get past this tree. And I fear the girl's secret may have to wait until tomorrow. Samuel, you are far worse. Let me help you to the house? I will even refrain from speaking about rigidity, peeing and other sexual matters." She rose and went to the man. She gently touched his face.
Calmly, he replied, "I'm running out of tomorrows. Let's finish today." Could this be compassion?
"May I sit here?" she asked. She gestured at the ground by his feet.
"On the ground?" He took a breath, "By my feet?"
"Yes." She blinked as the honey returned to her eyes. "I think what I am repulses you, but..."
"It's fine." He pointed a playful finger at her. "But get your cushion. No need to sit on the ground." My little wet butt girl creature.
She was gone and back before he could finish.
The man continued. "Hey, hey, hey. No leg hugging. I need those for walking. You can let go now."
"No."
"This is getting uncomfortable. You can let go?"
"No."
"How are you going to finish, if you're playing around? This isn't helping the girl? Or you?"
"I will let go. But I want to rest my head, by your legs." She sat up. "This is not an order. I think Defiant has more safety here? Well, anyway, when you are near, she seems to have less anger."
"No more grabbing and hugging." He scolded the creature like it was a child.
"Agreed, only the telling." She nodded and tried to smile. "I will not talk about how I like my Samuel rigid, or about the many, many other things I enjoy."
"Alright, lean and tell." It's like a really creepy teenager, sometimes?
"Before I begin, I must say, I have grown fond of the hugging." The tip of her finger pressed on his shoe. "Oh, rigidity."
"You said that to get me to react?" He stated. A child's version of prey or predator?
"Yes. But it did not work." She did not explain. "I will lean and tell now." She made a face, and she was quiet.
"You were talking about secrets. How sisters are created? You said Defiant doesn't want to talk to you? Is her secret related to that?" He tried to get her started, focused, and on a path.
"Yes, I took away a choice from her. I decided the path. The creation of sisters. I did not allow for any opportunity that would allow her to follow a different path. I saw her as me, not as another being. Our joining was not true. I only saw it as truth. I took until there was me... I, And no other."
"This is the reason you feel broken? And why you talk about her like she's separate from you?" Movement in any direction was better than more dribble.
She did not answer.
"When did you lose her?" Samuel tried to get her to focus.
"When I stopped her from choosing. She stopped talking to me. I thought the blending was complete. We were one. All come to me, after all."
"What choice did you take away from her?" He asked.
"When the memories returned, I felt they were not my own. I imagined they were. I acted like they were my own. Long ago we spoke to each other. It was like thinking. We spoke in our minds without sound. I think she was smart. Like you, Samuel. I did not give her a chance to show it. One or many? Chance or chances? The amount does not matter when it is all stolen."
"You took away all of her choices? Is this still about one choice?" He questioned.
"I was the one who stopped the joining?" Mercy spoke like everyone should have understood. She spoke like Samuel should have understood. Samuel's understanding was important.
"Did you make her stop the joining? Was that the choice you took away?"
"No. I am responsible for the breaking. That was not it." It peeked at the man. The cold hollowness of its eyes faded, and flecks of honey appeared. She rapped an arm around his leg.
He inhaled. What stopped him from kicking himself free of the creature? Kindness? Maybe? It could have been something else.
"I picked the first human to be with us. I wanted a sister I could easily control. I wanted to keep certain humans away from me. Us? The girl and me. Defiant had a fondness for another. I did not want her to have to be close with the other human. I feared I could not control the human male she was fond of. I had the first sister go to him. The madness took him in eight days."
"You picked the first sister to get Defiant away from someone? You were jealous?" He did not say what he was thinking. Mercy, she is one scary mean creature.
"I did not know the thing you call mad death would come to him. I did not know the sisters would make more sisters. Without her, I let the sisters have the world."
"Mercy, that is horrible." He paused, "How many years did you... do this to people. Over what? Jealousy?" He thought of his friends and family, they would have said that he truly looked into the face of evil. But he knew that all things acted like themselves, and that creatures lied.
"I have learned regret, as well." She moved to her chair.
"So, what is the girl's secret? After all of that, and a confession that is several hundred years past due, what's the secret?" He waited.
"I thought you knew. She's doesn't want me to know; she's trying to kill me."
"How do you know? She doesn't talk to you." Maybe the answer is that this creature is insane.
"The sisters tell me." She spoke shyly.
"Do they talk to her?" He considered ending it, her. He now knew that the creature called Mercy was extremely dangerous. Well, he knew that already.
"No. They do what I say."
"Alright, you can tell me the truth tomorrow." He said, and Mercy lied.
Mercy replied, "If I was her, I would want to end me. The secrets were mine. I thought they were hers. They were not hers. Her secret was me, and I wouldn't let her tell. I stole her choice and voice. I would return both to hear her speak."
"Do you really want to set things right?" He wondered. Could the creature feel guilty for not letting the girl stop it?
"Yes." Her tired gray eyes shined with speckled golden-honey flakes. "That is why you are here. You will end me and the remaining sisters, if I fail. I trust you to do this Samuel. If this is to be; your body will be strong enough. I am sure of this. I know you are not my demon, but you are strong and brave. You will be able to do this for me... us."
"If you fail at what?" He kept trying to get an answer.
"Please, go to your house and rest. I will say no more. I will stay and watch until you are home. Good night, Samuel." I do enjoy saying rigidity. It seems to make you feel so uncomfortable. Oh, my Samuel. To have. To hold. To touch. Maybe? One day to love.
"Mercy, please continue. I believe we are close to finding something that can help."
An eerie playfulness came to Mercy's eyes. "The task must be done before it can be said. If we.... If I fail at this task, we must prepare you for yours. We.... I do not wish to speak of such things. We shall speak of other things." She paused and grinned like a snake. "We shall speak on how much Samuel enjoys watching Mercy. Samuel, did you know Mercy enjoys very much thinking about you and rigidity? Oh, we do enjoy rigidity. Samuel, will you stay while we speak about rigidity? There are so many ways Mercy would like Samuel to be rigid.... Oh, but Mercy has to go pee first. Will Samuel stay and watch Mercy? Mercy does like to be watched by Samuel."
The man rose from his chair. He spoke as he walked away, "Goodnight, Mercy."