Ring. Ring. Ring
Tossing around the bed, I let out a small groan as the continuous ring of the clock irritated my ears. Waving my arm, I tried to silence the sound once and for all. As I lay in bed, I stared up at the ceiling, my hair covering parts of my eyes.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
Turning to my right, I stared at the giant double door.
"Come in." I said softly.
A butler entered. He wore a white suit with a black tie, his body slim, and his face was frail and old. His head was clean shaven, as a small scar slithered across the side of his forehead and a symmetrically white beard. His eyes were gentle and warm. A certain charm followed him as his mannerism stayed professional. I watched as he made his way to the side of my bed with a tray of food. Placing on the desk on my side, he poured in some honey tea.
"You are awaking very late these days, young master." He said, his voice very nonchalant.
"What do I have to look forward to anyways if I woke up?" I asked, lying in bed.
"Life." He replied.
I let out a small scoff. "The same life that took my hope?" I asked.
"Your mother... was marvellous. But that doesn't mean that you stay in your room now because she is gone." He answered.
"She was so marvellous that she went and left her only son." I added.
"Master." He said sternly.
"Do not desecrate your mother's efforts and vain that she went through for you. She would not have wanted you to end up like this. You must understand that. We all lose things in life. Some lose love, some lose lovers, and some lose those who love them." He explained.
"But we have to keep moving forward, in memories of those things. If we stay still and give up, then how would we be able to face those who left their will with us? When we rise up in front of God and he makes us stand in front of our loved ones, what will we say? That it was too hard? That you gave up? We mustn't do something like that. Or else, we end up being the real losers in life." He spoke.
"Maybe, I was destined for losing things then. My father left for another and killed my mother. What more is there that I can lose? If God really existed, then why would he give us challenges that break us. If he wants us to worship him, then shouldn't he show us love as well?" I replied quietly.
"What breaks us shapes us. God knows that all too well. It is only the fools that give up and blame it all on God." He spoke.
"Then I am the biggest fool to ever be born." I added.
He let out a sigh as he saw the sorry state I was in. My eyes began to lose the sparkling emotions it once carried. I rolled over and faced away from him, not saying another word. He stood for a minute before leaving the food on the side and leaving with a smile. I could hear his footsteps get quieter until I knew that he was gone.
Sitting up in my bed, I stared down at my hand. My mind flashed back to the image of my dead mother, and I let out a wince of pain. Tears slowly started to flow down my cheek as I struggled to keep them in. The pain, the feeling of loss, was something very hard to swallow.
So, I cried. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. Until I possibly couldn't. Standing up, I stared into the mirror for a while. My black hair slowly covered parts of my red eyes. The same red eyes that my mother proud fully showed off. I could feel my body getting weaker from the malnutrition.
How many days has it been since I left this room?
I thought to myself, looking at the calendar beside the mirror. My cheeks had lost their colour as my face had turned much paler than before. The eyebags were pitch black as my hands felt wrinkly. Even walking became a challenge. Picking up a piece of bread, I ate in silence, my mouth chewing and savouring every last crumb. After eating, I sat on my chair for a while. My mind spiralling into different thoughts.
Should I go meet my father? How is Mother's business doing? What about all the things that need to be taken care of? Father should die. Shouldn't he? He killed mom. My mother. She didn't deserve it. But can I kill him? Is it right? He took a life, so I should be allowed to. Isn't that how the world works?
Multiple thoughts about my father and mother came into my mind. But I could not do anything about it. So, I sat in my chair in silence, producing thoughts that would mean nothing in the future. After a while, I exited my room and my way down the stairs. Walking into the large dining room, I saw numerous maids cleaning everything.
"You finally left your room, young master."
"I had to one day or another Albert."
"Did you eat the food I brought?" He asked.
"Yes, it...it was nice. Thanks for looking after me." I said slowly.
He let out a chuckle.
"It is my duty to take care of you. Yet, I have a feeling it is not needed. You may be eight, yet the knowledge you possess is godly. I have a feeling you shall be just fine with or without me." He spoke.
"Albert, should my father die?" I asked.
"Do you hate him?" He asked.
"I don't know." I replied.
"Do you want him to die?" He asked.
"I don't know." I replied.
"Then, I can not give you an answer. Your father committed a terrible act. But that doesn't mean he should be killed back. Violence is a cycle. And once someone falls into that cycle, they can never step out of it. That is how killers are born. They taste the feeling of murder once, and like a drug, it captivates them for their whole life. They lose touch with who they used to be and develop this new persona, turning themselves into monsters. Do you want to fall down that path, young master?" He asked, looking at me.
"I don't know. But...as I see it... those who kill are more human than those who don't." I spoke carefully.
"When we came to this world, we lived by killing others. We built empires and kingdoms based on murder. Our whole meaning is resolved around that word. That emotion. I don't think I could blame my father for committing such an act, but I don't think I can forgive him as well." I added.
"If that is what you feel, then you shouldn't kill. Because as of now you have two paths. The path to forgive and the path to avenge. Until you know which path you want to follow, you shouldn't do anything. Otherwise, the only path you will live after is the path of regret." He explained.
"Life is one whole book of regret, isn't it? No matter what we do, there is always something we end up regretting. We can't escape it, so we should embrace it instead. Whatever happens, happens. We can't change that. All we can do is live by it. So, even if I forgive, I still fall into the regret of letting my mother's killer live. And even if I avenge, I fall into the regret of killing my own father. So, I fall into regret anyway. So, no matter what I choose, my only path is to regret it." I spoke.
"Then which regret will hurt you more?" He asked.
"I...I do not know." I said, looking down.
"Do not fret over such things." He sat patting my head. "You are still a child. You may be miles ahead of us in knowledge, but experience is what matters. You are still young, so live your life, young master. Let the adults focus on the harsh reality of life whilst the children thrive in the pleasures of falsehoods." He spoke.
I let out a little chuckle.
"Shouldn't you be stopping me from committing such an act? I am a child, after all." I spoke.
"Maybe. But we both know that you are far from what a child is. I am just preparing you for the harsh reality of the world. One that your mother ran from and one that your father embraced. All that is left is which path you want to follow. Whose footsteps do you want to mimic?" He asked.
"Whichever one my heart desires more." I replied.
"Well, I look forward to seeing which path you choose. But don't forget, I shall always be by your side, for my life's purpose is you serve you, young master." He spoke.
"Thank you, Albert. Keep watching me. And see the regretful monster I have become." I replied.
"Will you be attending school?" He asked.
"Yes, I suppose it has been a while." I replied.
"I shall have everything prepared for you." He spoke, bowing down and leaving.
Walking around the garden, I soaked in the peaceful atmosphere surrounding me. The grass sculptures that towered around the area watched my every step like peasants looking at the king. I made my way to the small area near the corner of the garden where a table lay idly. A glass dome surrounded it like a barrier. Walking up to the glass door, I stood in front of me and stared for a while before entering.
Sitting down on the chair, I stared at the countless papers scattered across the table. Drawings of me and my mother in different scenarios and locations, our faces filled with smiles as joy emanated from the portraits. My mother's gentle and calm face smiling at me, her very presence bring peace back into my life.
Memories of our times together here flashed through my mind as I could feel sadness welling up inside of me. Clutching onto one of the pictures, small droplets of tears fell onto her face as the paper slowly soaked and ripped apart. Letting go of the wet paper, I stared at the clear blue sky through the colourless glass.
Inside the dome, everything felt so peaceful and still. No sound, no noise, nothing. I could see the world through the lens of perfection. The countless flocks of birds galloping through the sky as the sun beamed down with rays of hopeful sunlight. My eyes sparkled through the tears that dripped down my face, captivated by the raw beauty of the world. My breath caught itself in my throat like hands stuck in thorns as I stared in awe of the breath-taking view of the world.
Slowly, the rays of light migrated towards the dome, the glass reflecting bits of light in different directions, brightening up the area as I was covered by thick, yellow light. The whole dome illuminated as I felt that I was ascending up the heaven. It was angelic. A small breeze creeped into the dome as the papers on the table flew into the air.
My eyes quickly darted around each picture, ensuring that I did not miss a single memory with my mother. And then, my eyes fixated on a single picture. It hovered up longer than others as it descended slower than a feather. In it, it was me and my mother and another person standing beside us. My father.
Peace turned into anger as I clutched onto that paper, staring at it with murderous intent. Clouds covered the sun as the sky grew darker. The slight breeze picked up its pace as the trees outside swayed vigorously. My hands trembled in anger as I stared at that man.
"I can't forgive him." I muttered. "I can't. Never. He has to die for what he did. For what he did to my mom."
My mind blurred out as my eyes glowed red with bloodlust. The ground below me began to shake as I clenched my teeth. Holding the paper, I ripped his drawing out as I threw it onto the ground. Staring at it, my blood boiled with rage as the mere memory of him brought immense hatred. I knew what I had to do. No matter what happens after, I knew what had to be done. Nothing could stop me now. No one. Not even my own mother.
"See you in hell...father."
Walking through the school gates was an unusual experience. The multitude of eyes fixated on my every movement was unnerving. The loud happy chatters turning into small whispers with quick side glances as I walked past was irritating. Being around such happy, carefree people brought me anger.
They never knew the real meaning of suffering as they continued to play this charade of youth. Every large gathering I walked past, people hurriedly moved out of my way, fearing that something might happen to them. That some sort of bad luck would befall their very lives. As if I had anything to do with such an event.
As if my suffering was caused by my own wrongdoing. What had I done? What was my fault in all this. My father killed my mother. Why? Because of me? Was I the reason for her death? Looking back, he never had any appearance in my life that was meaningful.
So, to blame someone like me for his actions was wrong. Wasn't it? Perhaps I was to be blamed. Perhaps my very own existence caused such a rift between their relations. But how was that my own choice. I was placed onto this Earth, thrown onto this battlefield, and forced to live regardless of what I wanted. If I am to blame, then every suffering that befalls the parents is caused by the very existence of their own children.
I tried my best to avoid looking in people's eyes. Eyes were the most judgmental parts of humanity. Looking at someone's eyes, you can just tell what they feel about you and what they feel about themselves. You can't explain it, nor can you ever justify why you think they feel like that, but when you look at their eyes, it just clicks. They fear you. They hate you. They worry for you. They love you.
Eyes are windows to the soul, which is what they all say. But if anything, they are the soul itself. Every human emotion and feeling and desire are captured in those tiny little pupils. And everything people want to keep hidden or display is shown through them. You may not will it but will never exist in the first place. What comes out comes out because the world says it should, not because you want it to. So, all I did was keep my head low and shut my mind out to those vulture-like eyes growling with hunger waiting to engulf me. And I walked on without confronting a single pair of them. Why? Because I am afraid.
Sitting in class, I remained at the back corner near the window. I made sure that I distanced myself from everyone. That people didn't come near me. I didn't want any questions to be brought onto me.
"How are you doing?"
"It was so sad to hear about what happened."
"My mother told me this."
"My father told me that."
Meaningless sympathy is all that is. They have been told to say such things to act like they care. But in reality, no one cares about others. All that matters is themselves. Greed and selfishness are human nature. For even Cain killed Abel because of his own jealousy and selfishness.
Looking around, I could see people taking quick glances at me and then jolting their head back as soon as I stared at them. Letting out a scoff, I continued to listen to the teacher as she explained a pretty mediocre subject. Thanks to my mother's fame and wealth, I was able to be tutored from a very young age and was able to learn much more complicated subjects before others. The only reason my mother did not allow me to skip ahead was because of her own beliefs.
"You are a child. Sure, you may be much more talented and knowledgeable than others, but your body is still that of a child's. Just because you are smarter does not mean you are better. You're young, you need to live your life. Make friends and have fun. Fall in love. Fall out of love and then fall back in love again. Such small occurrences in our day to day lives bring massive results for the future."
"That is the most meaningless thing I have heard you say in a while, mother. Why do I need to experience life the same way others do when I have such a great gift. I should be out helping others and changing the world, not stuck in middle school, trying to learn about basic mathematics."
"I won't stop you from helping others. But you only understand the meaning of helping someone when you experience help yourself. You're young, and when you're young, you have these crazy dreams. Good dream, of course, but insanely crazy. We all have been there, but you need to understand that living your life is part of what it means to be human."
"Some days you may get up and feel like you don't want to benefit the world in any way. And that is alright. Because that is what being human means. We all need balance in life. Some days we help and some days we don't. And we gain experience from it. And the more we live, the more we understand about this world. So, when you have the chance, always lend out a helping hand. But allow others to give their hand to you as well, dear. Everyone needs someone. That is what being human means."
What a weird way of looking at life.
I thought to myself as I sat in class bored. In the corner of my eye, I could see a person still staring at me. Looking at them, it was a girl. Blonde hair and blue eyes. Fair skin and small freckles on her cheeks. Her eyes were glued onto me with such curiosity that I could feel my body shiver in discomfort. But I could not take my eyes off her. My dark red eyes, mixing in with her ocean blue eyes, felt so perfect and captivating that I could feel my heart slowly begin to dance.
Ring, Ring. Ring. Ring.
My mind came back to consciousness as I snapped out of the trance. Class had ended as I stood up and left the room intrigued by what had just happened. As I walked to my next class, all I could think of was that girl. Her eyes hook me in like a fish captured on a rod. Shaking my head, I threw the memory to the back of my head and made my way to my class.
Sitting down in the same exact spot as before, I looked to my right as my face fell in shock. It was the same exact girl, her head resting on her hand, which rested on her desk as she stared at me. Her blue eyes glistened intensely at me. And like before, I couldn't look away. She let out a small, soft smile. It was so heart-warming and beautiful that my cheeks flushed into a cool red colour.
Looking away instantly, I covered my face as I could hear her let out a small chuckle. Behind my hand, my mouth couldn't help but let out a small smile. As class went on, I could see her take quick glances at me and smiling uncontrollably. In return, I would peek a look from time to time. She looked beautiful, and her face was captivating. Looking at her, I couldn't help but smile as well.
After class, I left the room and immediately felt a tap on my shoulder. Looking down, she was there fiddling her fingers as she looked down.
"Do you need something?" I asked softly.
"Um...Um ca...can we b...be friends?" She stuttered.
I let out a small smile before patting her head, to which she let out a large blush.
"Of course, I'm ***," I spoke. "Nice to meet you."
"I'm Abi." She replied with a smile.
After school, we met up as I invited her to my house. Making our way to the front gate, I could see her eyes wide open in awe at the massive mansion in front of her. Letting out a chuckle, we made our way in. Immediately, we were greeted with maids who took our belongings and arranged some snacks for us. Sitting down, we talked about our lives.
"Welcome back, young master." Albert said, walking in.
"Thank you." I replied.
"Looks like you made a friend." He said, staring at Abi.
"This is Abi. We are in the same classes at school." I told him.
"Pleasure to meet you, miss Abi. If the young master causes any trouble, please confide with me, and we shall sort out the matter promptly." He spoke.
"Aren't you meant to be on my side?" I asked unamused.
"Your mother always said that treating a woman right is the best way to please a man." He replied.
After he left, Abi and I walked around in the garden. All she did was stare in awe at the vast, green garden in front of her eyes. Running around the place, a huge smile covered her face as she was filled with immense joy. Seeing the sheer amount of pureness that oozed out of her, my mind flashed back to my mother.
Letting out a small smile, I joined her in her adventure and ran with her around the place. After a while, we lay on the grass, tired and out of breath, staring up into the blue sky. Huffing loudly, we stared at each other, our cheeks flushed red.
We smiled at each other as the world felt so peaceful. All our worries and problems disappeared as all we had at that moment was us. Staring at the sky, Alice held her hand up as if she were trying to reach for the stars.
"One day..." She said, huffing loudly. "...I want to explore space. I want to find out what lies ahead. How cool would that be? To see other beings. To talk with other beings. All that is waiting for us up. Just the thought of it excites me. I can't help but feel this bubbling wave of pleasure brush over me."
Her eyes sparkled like glitter as her words had immense passion behind it.
"What do you want to do in the future ***?" She said, turning to face me.
"I don't really know; I haven't thought much about it. I think what I want to be is a kinder and gentler person. Like my mom. I want to help the world and bring about a new way to live. Something that we can lean on for support." I spoke softly.
"Wow." She said, shocked. "That is such an amazing goal. You really are such a good person." She said, staring at me, to which I smiled.
Lying down on the cold floor of my dark room, I stared up at the ceiling. My hair covered parts of my red eyes that glowed dimly in the dark. My whole body covered in blackness as all that could be seen was my blood red eyes that stared with intent to kill. My arms were spread across the floor, and my lab coat lay under me.
To my left was portraits of my childhood. Little moments in my life that I truly felt at peace. Parts of the past that I never wanted to forget. Pictures of me and my mother lay patiently in chronological order from the moment I was born to before the moment she died.
A small razor shaped knife lay beside me face as I picked it up and stared at my reflection through it. The dim light of the monitors allowed me to see a good enough image of my own face through the sharp metal. I could see my eyes had lost that shine it once had. That hopeful expression wiped clean of my face. My soul had been crushed as I lay there emotionless and uninterested with life.
Placing my thumb on the sharp metal, I pressed against it as it slowly entered into my skin. Slowly, blood oozed out of my thumb and trickled down the colourless metal, morphing it into a red blade. The blood continued to make its way slither down the knife and down my arm.
Holding it above me, small droplets of blood dripped onto my face and down my cheek. I stared at my own blood with interest, the colour being a thick red. Seeing my blood was not unusual, but every meeting I had with it always made me fascinated. The way it slithered and the colour it took. The shape it morphed into and the way it fell. How it changed the features of things it touched and how essential it was to me.
To my right, a small picture sat watching me from the darkness. I stared at it, my eyes squinting to make out its features. In the portrait, there was a picture of me and Abi. Her on my shoulders as we were both smiling like children. We looked to be about fifteen in the portrait.
I stared at Abi's hopeful expression. Her ocean blue eyes popped out and stared right back into my dark red eyes. Her smile brought peace to me once again. Her luscious blonde hair flowed down to her waist as she clutched onto the younger me in the picture.
Staring at my own image, it would be hard to believe that once a hopeful teenager turned out to be me. My eyes had so much more life to it. Memories flashed back into my head as I remembered how miserable I had become after my mother's death and how Abi brought me back to life. I started to think of all our joyous moments and all our heartfelt episodes together.
Yet, even with those memories coming back to me, I couldn't even muster a smile. Not even a small one. My face was expressionless. Those joyous memories had no meaning anymore to me. All that happiness was nothing. It led to nothing. The time I had spent with her amounted to nothing. It was all lost in the end. And I couldn't even feel anything now.
What a waste of time love is.
I thought to myself. Staring back the knife, it had completed changed to red now as much more blood flowed out of my thumb. My face had started to become enshrouded with my own red liquid as the feeling of pain brought me immense pleasure.
This is what I should feel. This pain is what I deserve. This is what humanity deserves. Our real emotion is suffering. Whoever thinks otherwise is a fool.
My mind instantly flashed back to Abi and me in the garden as I remembered the dream she entrusted with me. I remember telling her what I wanted to do. That nonsensical wish for a better world. I knew that I was young and stupid, but to think reality could be such way was outright ignorant.
And then my mind flashed back to Abi again. Her smile. Her love. Her warmth. Her passion and excitement. Her care and consideration. Her optimism and confidence about herself. The good she saw in others. The good she saw in me. My mind could never forget that part no matter how hard it tried. No matter how emotionless I became, she was a part of me forever.
Constantly fighting for control, yet always losing, only becoming a painful reminder of my past. I stared at the knife and my reflection inside it that looked emotionlessly.
"Some good person I turned out to be."