CHANNEL 69: THE GREAT DISASTER OF 2126
[SCENE START]
[News Anchor Chad Roadsucker is broadcasting live.
He is wearing a military-grade hazmat suit, three layered gas masks, and has aggressively duct-taped his eye-holes completely shut.
He is shaking a 50-gallon industrial bottle of Febreze like his miserable life depends on it.]
"Good morning, Capitol City! If you are currently eating breakfast, I strongly advise you to turn off your TVs and burn your toast, because our top story today is the absolute biological apocalypse currently raining down from the heavens!"
"The Great Brown Disaster is officially upon us! Due to the streets being literally flooded with what looks like Satan's forbidden chocolate fondue, the Mayor has officially declared a state of emergency."
"All Corporate Hero Academies are closed today, and the city's underpaid sanitation workers are threatening to burn down City Hall!"
"If you look out your window right now, you won't see a beautiful sunrise."
"Instead, you will see the majestic Arc of the Chocolate Kraken!!!! A massive, solid brown streak spanning across the Capitol City skyline like a cursed, unholy rainbow!"
"Thankfully, because this peerless magical assault happened in the early morning, most of you normal, sane citizens were fast asleep in your beds."
"But for the early birds? Well, let's just say they didn't wake up to the smell of fresh coffee!"
THE TRAUMA OF THE INNOCENT WITNESSES
[CLICK. The camera aggressively cuts to a public park.
A man in a fuzzy pink bathrobe is currently being held down and hosed off by three muscular firefighters wielding high-pressure chemical hoses.
The man has the thousand-yard stare of a soldier who has looked into the eyes of God and been violently rejected.]
"I was just doing my morning speed-walk, Chad!"
The witness wailed, his voice cracking with pure, unadulterated horror.
"I looked up into the beautiful morning sky and saw this majestic, sparkly purple streak zooming through the clouds! I thought to myself, 'Wow, what a beautiful new corporate hero!
"Maybe it's a promotional stunt for a new energy drink!' So I opened my mouth as wide as I could to cheer... and—SPLAT!"
Squelch~
"A direct hit, Chad! Right in the old food-hole! I didn't just taste the rainbow...
"I tasted that criminal's entire genetic lineage! I tasted his grandfather's disappointed ghost! My tongue feels like it's experiencing third-degree chemical burns!
"I am currently being fast-tracked for an industrial-grade internal bleach scrub! If I survive this, I'm suing the fucking sky!"
[CLICK. The camera pans to a traumatized office worker holding a melted briefcase.]
"I thought it was a shooting star!"
The commuter yelled, wiping a burning, brown smudge off his safety goggles.
"But then the cloud hit my windshield and the sheer acidity started eating through the reinforced glass!
"A giant clump hit my neighbor's roof, and the smell was so violently offensive that their family dog voluntarily packed its own bags, called an Bumer, and left the city!"
MACH 2 RECTAL PROPULSION
[CLICK. Premium chopper footage shows a massive, dark brown trail cutting through the fluffy white clouds like a sky-writer gone horribly, horribly wrong.]
Whoosh~ Gurgle~ BOOM~
"Witnesses across the financial district report that the D-list petty villain, Iron Spike, achieved unauthorized human flight for two straight hours!"
"Because that mysterious, high-fashion sorcerer cast a peerless, forbidden spell called Nonstop Explosive Diarrhea, the basic laws of physics completely broke down!"
"The man was transformed into a human flesh-rocket, propelled entirely by a pressurized, Mach-2 jet-stream from his own rear end!"
"He was executing accidental loop-de-loops over the MegaCorp skyscrapers, crying for his mommy while painting the city's billion-dollar neon billboards a very unappealing, chunky shade of mahogany!"
"The sludge was so chemically toxic it literally melted the paint off seventeen luxury hover-cars mid-flight!"
THE 59TH-FLOOR SWAMP
[CLICK. Uncensored footage of the bank terrace, which now looks like a Willy Wonka chocolate factory managed by actual demons. It is heavily surrounded by military-grade biohazard tape.]
"Iron Spike finally ran out of biological rocket fuel and crash-landed right here on the 59th floor. First responders found him literally drowning in a five-foot lake of his own creation!"
"The man was doing the actual Olympic backstroke just to keep his nose above the toxic sludge! The acidic vapor is currently melting the tires off our Channel 69 news van as we speak!"
"We are also hearing reports that the bank's severely underpaid cleaning lady has already hired a high-profile bloodsucking lawyer to sue the city for biological warfare and 'soul-shattering olfactory trauma'!"
LIVE FROM THE CRITICAL ASS-ZONE
[CLICK. Shaky, found-footage style camera work in the local hospital corridor. The air is visibly green and foggy. A team of medical interns is sprinting past the camera, violently vomiting into biohazard trash cans.]
Splat~ Squeak~ Gurgle~
"We are live outside the ICU where Iron Spike is currently positioned face-down, ass-up in a permanent, high-alert doggy style!"
"Elite doctors are desperately trying to operate on his structurally annihilated anus, but it is an absolute apocalyptic war zone in there!"
From inside the operating room:
"Put a cork in it! I am telling you, just shove a giant fucking champagne cork up there and superglue my butt-cheeks shut!"
Iron Spike could be heard screaming violently into his hospital pillow, sobbing hysterically as another mini-eruption hit the pristine white ceiling.
"The valve is broken! I am shitting out my actual childhood memories! Do something, you highly paid medical frauds!"
Back to the reporter:
"The situation is so severe that three veteran surgeons have already thrown their scalpels in the trash, quit the medical profession entirely, and fled to the Himalayas to become celibate monks!"
"Every time anyone gets within three feet of the blast zone, the magical curse triggers another projectile fountain!"
But despite the absolute devastation of his lower half, Iron Spike was still fiercely trying to save his fragile villain reputation!
"That purple-suited fashion disaster caught me off guard!"
The villain who lost his dignity and ass hole, howled while four nurses frantically dumped heavy bags of industrial bleach around his ruptured exit.
"The next time I see that drippy bastard, I'm ripping his face off! I am a supervillain! I am a threat to society! I am NOT a human lawn sprinkler!"
THE FURIOUS SEVEN PANIC ATTACK
[CLICK. The scene cuts to the Evening Panel, where three "Super Hero Experts" are aggressively throwing charts of human intestines at each other on live television.]
Expert 1: "Let's talk about the Furious Seven, Chad! They just called a top-secret emergency meeting, and rumor has it they are absolutely shitting themselves with fear! Metaphorically, for now!"
Expert 2: "Let's be real, you can't deflect a magical colon-burst with a cool superhero stance or a Vibetitty shield! Their million-dollar defense strategies are completely useless against biological terrorism!"
Expert 3: "If this Drip Sorcerer decides to target a celebrity hero next, we are doomed! Imagine Sentinal Prime mid-monologue, suddenly launching into the stratosphere like a brown missile! The corporate sponsors would pull out instantly! Nobody wants to buy an action figure that comes with explosive diarrhea action!"
...
"Word on the street is that half the Furious Seven roster is currently refusing to leave their bedrooms without wearing three layers of heavy-duty plastic wrap under their spandex!"
"The stock market for adult diapers has completely broken, soaring up 4000% in the last hour! Every criminal and hero in the city is currently duct-taping their pants shut!"
"Keep your windows locked and your mouths tightly closed when looking at the clouds, Capitol City! We will bring you more updates on the Chocolate Kraken at eleven!"