I STARED off at the distance, my aimless gaze set on the people walking around the plaza. I thought to myself, "Should I be feeling something? Would they feel something in my position?" They walked so aimlessly, yet all of these people had their own lives and experiences, all which made them tick. I couldn't understand it.
I started speaking to myself out loud: "Should I be crying? Maybe I should be sad, but I can't feel a single emotion." Desperation hit me. Did I really not care about the father I just lost? No—my mind wandered on to other, more pressing matters... What should I do from now on?
I had spent my life leeching off my parents for so long, and now I've lost it all—my father in this moment, and my mother only two years before this. I'm truly alone. I have other family, but none of them would sustain the life I've had with my parents. I couldn't feel any sad emotion from my parents' death, but I did feel the despair of having nothing else to rely on.
"I really am a selfish person," I said out loud.
I looked around, but nobody seemed to have taken interest in my situation of despair. That's normal—who would ever take interest in some random man talking to themselves? If anything, it would motivate them to stay even further away. A smirk appeared on my face, followed by a chuckle. Well, maybe I should look at the bright side—I was the only child, so I'll naturally inherit everything...
The downside is that I don't know how to do anything.
As I weighed the pros and cons of my situation, a seemingly homeless man spoke to me... Seems like my self-soliloquizing had brought the attention of someone—not very sure if this is the kind of person I wanted to pay attention to me, though. Shouldn't this be the time for some cute girl to come and console me? Some shit like, 'You don't have to worry, I'll stay with you until the bitter end'? That isn't very realistic, due to the lack of socialization I've done through the years.
"That's a nice spot, ain't it?"
My delusions were interrupted by the homeless man, who had been aimlessly staring at me for a while.
"Yup, it is a pretty good spot. I get to see the passing of human life."
I thought a sarcastic comment such as this would take him aback, but instead, the man sat down next to me.
"I also like this spot! I also like to see the people pass!"
His speech was erratic. He didn't seem to be drugged, but that didn't stop me from thinking so.
"I hate those who complain, you know? I hate them more than anything. They're always complaining about something. They complain about everything."
Huh. Luckily, I didn't show this man how much I was complaining internally.
"They don't know how good they have it. They complain that it will rain—'Oh no, I wouldn't want to get wet!'"
I wanted to tune out the nonsense that he was saying, but in all honesty, I was cautious of him in case he tried to stab me to death randomly due to his erratic behavior. But I also decided to speak back—an action that I did out of a whim.
"How could they not enjoy the rain? I personally like the sound of it and how it pours down on me."
I looked above, and it seemed like it would rain soon... I guess we'll see if what I say is true.
"They are all so annoying! They say that the pigeons are annoying, that they're rats, a plague!!! The plague is them!"
He seemed to be getting more hysterical, but I amused him for a bit.
"Yeah, exactly! Those pigeons are just trying to get by like any other human would."
"Yes, you get it!!! They do no harm! The kids chase after them, but they mean no harm—they are innocent, and they play! I was also innocent! I liked playing like them, but now I have to get up every day and fight for my food! I clean my clothes, and I go out for my food—that's all you need to live!!!"
Huh. So does this guy actually have a job? Wait, what he's saying makes no sense. His clothes didn't look clean—he was wearing rugged clothes that had definitely gone through the test of time. But I guess they were clean? Maybe he's been wearing the same clothes for a while.
I chuckled and responded to his remarks:
"Yeah, food really does drive us all. And it will soon drive me as well."
He didn't pay attention to what I said. Instead, he started rambling about how his landlord was shitty and how they had stolen from him again and again, and that he'd been a kind person. For a person who hates people that complain, he does complain a lot. Not only that, but his rant left me more confused about how he'd ended up the way he is... Oh well.
I continued to hear his rant until something caught my attention:
"Oooohhh!!! Thank God, I've been blessed with a healthy body!"
God? He's thanking God even though he seems down on his luck? From what I'd been hearing, he'd lived a life of misfortune.
"I'll be alright. God will lead my way."
I interrupted him for the first time in the conversation:
"Why do you believe in God if you're so unfortunate?"
He stopped being erratic and looked into my eyes. It took me aback. I waited in anticipation for what could happen.
"God is with us all. He is with you as well. God is good to those who are good to others, and the way He blessed me was with this body. That's enough for me."
Ugh. Yeah, thanks for not answering my question, I sarcastically thought to myself.
He handed me something, and I instinctively grabbed it. It was a Bible. All it said was "Holy Bible" and "Not for sale" on the back.
"What's your name?"
"It's Matthew."
"It was very nice to meet you, Matthew."
The way he started speaking properly and calmly was chilling, but the sensation dissipated after he rushed away.
Hmmm. Maybe I should have asked for his name? Well, it doesn't matter.
I looked down at the Bible I'd been handed and got a glimpse of the floor being soaked by drops of water. I stayed seated and looked at the sky as the rain started to gain more traction. The drops hit my eyes, so I decided to just look straight ahead.
That guy was pretty odd. Maybe he was unwell in the head and not actually on drugs or something.
I looked back down at the Bible. My family was Catholic, yet they never forced me to go to church or follow their religion, so I knew little to nothing about it. Yet, I decided to open it. What could I lose? Isn't it just an amalgamation of stories of the past?
I landed on a random page. I looked around and decided to just start where the big number 39 was:
"Do you know the time in which the sheep give birth? Or did you see them giving birth? Have you counted the time they have been pregnant, and do you know at what time they give birth? They repulse and make their children come out. They go through their pain. Their children get stronger and grow with the grass. They come out and don't go back to her."
I stopped reading and closed the Bible. To me, it just seemed like nonsense... What was I expecting?
I had been drenched in rain... I guess I enjoyed the rain quite a bit today.
Well, I should head back. After all, I have to go recognize—do what my dad wished for with his ashes...
Come on, buddy. You're dead. Why does it matter where I put your ashes?
I headed back home, leaving a dry spot where I was previously sitting, and put the Bible in the pocket of my jacket. After all, it was quite small.