" I tried to move on after that, I tried to make new friends....I just couldn't do it, it wasn't them it was me, they all had interests, always had what they wanted to do while.....I was just there , I hated it, I never felt among and sometimes I felt like I didn't try to feel among, the only thing that made me less lonely was Daniel and that was when he was not busy...I already had two best sellers so life was very much comfortable ,I didn't look for Diah just like she had said , I was scared that she may actually do something to herself if I ever showed my face to her....despite that I kept sending her money every month".
Rhea sighed, rubbing her hand against her knee, she had not heard Denver speak neither had she looked at him, she didn't want to know the kind of expression he would make , she heaved , her breath shaky, " eventually we got engaged, I.....and Daniel...", Denver bowed his head a certain feeling bubbling in as his jaw tucked, " we started living together.....in the public eye we were one beautiful couple who everyone were inspired to be like , but in private we were just mere acquaintances , he was my muse and I was just something to show to his father that he had already matured, but then.....he started catching feelings and one day he told me he loved me...", she paused , she had vowed to herself nit to look at Denvers face while she told this story but.....she was curious, what expression was Denver making , she slowly turned her head and saw that his head was slightly bowed down, despite him trying so hard to hide a certain emotion, it just seemed through , a sort of quiet despair and hurt, she clenched her fist as she quickly averted her gaze , she was nit going to be swayed by his expression , she was going to continue, " at the end of the day I knew that all I could do was take solace in his embrace for I saw him as my refuge.....and at the end of the day we somehow got engaged , I didn't love him back, never was I even planning to love him back but....I felt like as we progressed on the relationship I could end up catching feelings.
" As time went on I felt like I was slowly becoming the background character in my own story ,they only remembered my existence when I was writing a new book, I felt like I was getting too lucky, I was called the golden hands in the industry because anything I wrote became a massive hit. Two years passed and....I....", she bit her lips, she was scared , " I fell into depression , everything made me scared, my success, fame, it all felt too unreal and I felt I was losing control of everything , I was scared I was going to end up alone and no one will be by my side , so one night I called Daniel...we ended up drinking and I vented out all my frustrations at him , he listened to me, something , someone never did for me....we became vulnerable , I became vulnerable ", Denver could hear that hesitation, that shame she was trying so hard to hide, he knew what was coming but...he couldn't even lie to himself hearing this , the intimate moments between them, he felt his chest tighten and before he knew it he held her by her arm, it was sudden, firm yet gentle , his breath somewhat heavy, he couldn't even look her in the eye, Rhea stopped stalking , " please....please don't say it.....don't talk about that moment between you two.....I may sound hypocritical", he looked up at her, he looked pitiable, almost like he was pleading, Rhea placed her hand on her knees as she dug her nails into it, she was ashamed , whay was she telling him this, even her intimate moment with Daniel.
Denver could see her expression , how it had changed and suddenly that feeling he had vanished, what did he just say..., he ungrasped her arm, what did he do?, " R...Rhea I'm sorry , I.....I shouldn't have....", he felt her warm hands slowly intertwining with his , he slowly looked down and saw Rheas hand holding his, " it's something I regret and will keep regretting ", she sighed , a tiny smile forming on her lips, " it...", she squeezed his hand tighter, "it is not something you should feel sorry for ", she looked over at her mirror, she could clearly see herself reflecting in it, " dp you think he will still like you after hearing your story....tsk, you kid yourself", a cruel smile spread across the face of the reflection in the mirror, her past was something disgusting , a burden she didn't want anyone else to bear, so why was she telling him all this?, why did she want to share her burden with someone that she claimed to like, .....once again...she only thought of herself.
She relunctantly withdrew her hand from his, her eyes getting cloudy with tears, then she said in whispered breath, quiet enough for only both of them to hear, " I don't deserve you", she said as she stood up from the bed and went over to her chair, pulled it a little closer towards him but the distance was moderate, right now she didn't want him close , " it's somewhat better....if you don't come close..", she said as she looked away , biting her inner lip, she knew that right now it felt like she didn't trust him, what if.....despite trusting him he looked at her with that expression other people judged her with , what if he looked at her with disgust , why did it seem like she was ready to retreat, she trusted Denver so.....why couldn't she trust herself?, why was she distancing herself, she fiddled with her fingers , she needed to end it, " after that night, I told him that.....he was nothing but a muse, I.....I didn't want to be lonely, I shouldn't have felt that way....depending on someone who I had somewhat ruthlessly discarded as just my muse, it was pathetic".
" He agreed, it seemd like he didn't want to agree with me but probably on my own disposition he agreed,but then....he became distant and before I knew it....Diah came back...she seemed different , it looked like she had forgiven me, she said she wanted to write again and this time I supported her, the only person that had seen me at my worse an the person that had the misfortune of meeting me came back to me, as selfish as it was ...I wanted her to stay by my side, whatever she wanted I gave it to her, when she said she needed my drafts for reference , I gave it to her. At that time Daniel had drifted away and I found out I was pregnant.....", Denver looked away, his heart aching and his eyes calm, she had told him before but he couldn't get over the fact that Rhea had lost a child, how painful could it have been for her? , Rhea smiled sadly, " I didn't tell Daniel.....I didn't want him to be part of my life because I just took him as my muse, it was wrong of me and I knew that, I just didn't want him to bear a responsibility he wasn't ready for, I .....didn't want to be a burden to anyone,....you know what happens after....", she could feel her memory resurface, the pain, blood.....her breathe hitched, and slightly shook, " don't say it.....", she looked up and saw Denver looking at her, his eyes ever so gentle, she tightened her fist, he was too nice, she nodded slowly as she continued. " I didn't know how it happened but I ended up telling Daniel about our child, I felt like I didn't even deserve any comfort which Daniel didn't provide and after that he just left and soon after Diah also left, I didn't know her reason, just a small note that said " I'm leaving ", and one day...I caught them in bed together at Daniels apartment", she looked unfazed, a wound that had closed and was never meant to be open , it was clear that it didn't bother her anymore, it didn't hurt her anymore , " and when Diahsae she had been caught she simply said ..."why do I have to continue living this shitty life.....we both lived shitty lives so why do you have to live such a nice life , why can't I also live a nice life". You know how everything else turned out, she stood up as she approached her window , Denver just watched her curiously , she always looked like she was going to run away, even back then in school it felt like if he just blinked, she could just disappear, " the night we met at the reunion...I had planned to kill myself ", Denver felt the world stop, those words she had just carelessly spilled out without hesitation caused a rust in every fiber of his being, he felt an ache in his heart, it stung, he couldn't imagine how alone she had been, how empty she must have felt to have concluded with that decision and at the same time she just carried the guilt, the harsh words from people and the criticism, he couldn't even be angry because....he wasn't there , he couldn't hold her , what could he even say at this moment.
Then he heard a small scoff, it was Rhea still facing the window, " at the end of the day.....you don't know me as well as you had thought", the sky was starless as that earthy scent of rain wafted in, she turned to him, her expression unreadable just like his, " do tell me Denver...if we had never met before, would you still have believed me"?.