Chapter 15: Raj's Relationship Ruse
Raj Koothrappali was a man who, in his own way, was a genius. He was an astrophysicist, a man who could navigate the cosmos with a smile, a man who could talk to a woman if he was drunk. He was also a man who, in his own way, was a social enigma. A man who, in a world of chaos, was a small, quiet island of sanity. And that, in my own way, made him a perfect target. Because a small, quiet island of sanity, in a world of chaos, is just a target waiting to be hit.
Paige and I were sitting in my office, a look of profound satisfaction on our faces. The "Pop-Culture Problem" prank had been a masterpiece. Penny was a mess, and we were the ones who had made her that way. It was a beautiful, chaotic, and incredibly fun thing. But as all great victories come to an end, we had a new target. A new victim. A new… friend.
"Raj's the one," I said, a wide, triumphant grin on my face. "He's the one who's always there to make a joke. He's the one who's always there to try to get a girlfriend. He's the one who, in a world of chaos, is a small, quiet island of sanity. We're going to break him. We're going to break his sanity. We're going to break his spirit."
Paige, a look of genuine concern on her face, looked at me. "Are you sure? He's a good guy. He's a friend. Are we really going to do this to him? He's a funny, sweet, and incredibly good-looking man who deserves a break."
"He's a good guy," I said, a small smile on my face. "He's a friend. But he's also a man who's looking for love. He's a man who's looking for a soulmate. And we're going to use that against him. We're going to use the System to create a fake online dating profile for him. We're going to send him on a wild goose chase. A journey into a world of pure, unadulterated chaos."
I opened the System's interface, the holographic screen shimmering with a blue light in front of me. I clicked on the "Data Manipulation" function and, with a few simple mental commands, I was in. I was in Raj's dating profile. I was in his romantic brain. I was in his… soulmate.
I started to work, a small, triumphant grin on my face. I created a fake dating profile for Raj that was a series of pop-culture jokes and sarcastic comments about his personality. I made it look like the profile was a beautiful, brilliant, and incredibly funny woman who was looking for a man who was an astrophysicist with a love for pop-culture jokes and sarcastic comments. It was a beautiful, chaotic, and incredibly fun thing.
Paige, who was watching over my shoulder, let out a small, joyful gasp. "You're a genius," she said, her voice a low, reverent whisper. "That's… that's beautiful. That's a work of art. That's a prank that a god would create."
"I know," I said with a triumphant grin. "And he's going to spend days trying to figure out why his perfect, logical, and beautifully elegant dating profile is a chaotic, nonsensical mess. It's going to be glorious."
The next few hours were a work of art. A beautiful, chaotic mess. Raj, a look of profound confusion on his face, was trying to explain to Penny why his dating profile was a series of pop-culture jokes. He was a man on a mission. He was a man on the verge of a breakthrough. Or so he thought.
"What in the world is going on?" he muttered to himself, a look of profound indignation on his face. "I just want to find a soulmate. I just want to find a woman who is a beautiful, brilliant, and incredibly funny person who loves me for who I am. Is that so much to ask?"
He, in a moment of pure, unadulterated panic, let out a small, pained wail. He looked at me, then at Paige, a look of profound resignation on his face. He knew what was going on. He knew who was responsible. And he knew that he was powerless to stop it.
He, in a moment of pure, unadulterated sadness, let out a small, pained sigh and retreated back to his apartment, a defeated man. He was a man who had been through a lot. He had been through a lot of pranks. But this was a new level of pranks. This was a new level of chaos. This was a new level of funny.
I looked at Paige, a wide, triumphant grin on my face. "I think we just won," I said. "I think we just won the game."
"I think we just won the game," she said, her eyes gleaming with mischief. "And we didn't even have to lift a single, tiny, insignificant finger."
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