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What is this feeling, I wonder, this mixture of the melancholy of an ending and the hope for a new year that I feel more strongly as the year-end approaches?
It was New Year's Eve, the sun had long set, and less than thirty minutes remained in the year. We had, as promised, visited a shrine to spend the turn of the year together.
"Quite a lot of people come, huh...?"
"Yeah..."
We had headed to a relatively large shrine near my apartment for no other reason than its size, but the crowd was larger than expected. I knew there would be stalls, but I hadn't anticipated so many people coming for ninen-mairi (visiting a shrine over the New Year). As soon as we entered the approach, it became packed, and now we were shuffling along slowly with the flow of people.
Thump, my shoulder was bumped again. The lack of an apology was just business as usual in Tokyo.
"Don't get lost..."
Saying that, I took Iroha's hand and pulled her closer. Iroha's face, now much closer, looked up at me.
"You're so overprotective."
Iroha's cheeks softened with a chuckle, and I felt genuinely relieved.
Iroha had been a bit down lately, but perhaps thanks to my invitation, she seemed to have regained her usual cheerfulness today. Her cunning smile was the best proof.
"Senpai, Senpai."
Iroha said that, then tugged at my hand with an upward gaze. Seriously, you're so cute and unfair...
"I want to eat that!"
Iroha pointed at a candied apple. Hmm, even what she wants to eat is cunningly cute. Well, even if she chose yakisoba or takoyaki, that would be cunning in its own way, and if she ever chose cotton candy, I'd end up eating it with her.
As Iroha urged, I bought a candied apple, and we both took a bite of the nostalgic treat. As I felt the sweet and sour taste, I looked at Iroha, and the moment our eyes met, she smiled widely. Cute (my thoughts abandoned all reason).
We were walking and eating, but the line for the shrine stopped when it was almost midnight. I had thought it would be best to pray at the moment the date changed, but it seemed many people thought the same.
"The date's going to change soon, huh?"
Iroha said, not sounding particularly disappointed. The sound of the New Year's Eve bell, rare these days, drifted from somewhere far away.
"Senpai."
Iroha called my name, then squeezed my hand, which was still holding hers.
She was looking me in the eye, but her words didn't come out immediately. It was unusual for Iroha, a hesitant pause. Those mere few seconds felt incredibly long.
"You'll be with me next year too, right?"
That question seemed cunning, but the expression on her face wasn't just a smile.
It was then that I finally realized.
That there was a definite, probably larger than I imagined, anxiety within Iroha.
"Iroha."
"Eh, wait..."
Saying that, I pushed through the crowd and exited the approach to the shrine. Someone I bumped shoulders with clicked their tongue, but I didn't care.
I stepped into the shadow of a building that seemed to be a warehouse, adjacent to the shrine office. With my back to the approach, I stood in front of Iroha, shielding her from view. And thenâ
"Mmm..."
I stole her lips. As if to steal away all of Iroha's anxiety.
Gooong, the New Year's Eve bell rang again. Somewhere, applause sprinkled, and I heard New Year's greetings spreading among the people.
"Senpai..."
Slowly, we separated our lips and gazed at each other. When I touched Iroha's cheek with one hand, I felt its warmth.
"...If you do something like this, I'll remember it every time the new year begins!"
Her teasing words, however, were somehow weak. When I touched her hair, Iroha narrowed her eyes, as if tickled.
"Listen, Iroha."
At a time like this, what I needed to tell my girlfriend wasn't "Maybe so" or "Happy New Year."
There was something more important, something I had to convey to Iroha.
"You don't need to remember. I'll be with you next year. And the year after that, and the year after that... Be with me. For as long as possible."
I took both of her hands, which had been dangling loosely. I intertwined my fingers with her slender ones so they wouldn't come undone.
"I'm really terrible at expressing affection, like, it's ridiculous, so I'm sure I'll make you anxious sometimes. But I like you more than you think, Iroha. A hundred times... no, I think a thousand times more. I can't put it into words well, but..."
At times like this, words are endlessly clumsy and incomplete. Even if I say everything, it won't fully convey. Even if it could, it wouldn't be fully understood.
Still, I'm sure Iroha needs those words. If saying them makes them heavier, if there's even a chance the feeling will be conveyed, then I have no choice but to put it into words.
"You don't need to be anxious because of me. I will never let go of your hand, Iroha."
I tightened my grip on our intertwined fingers. In the dim light, I could see Iroha's eyes welling up.
"Ugh... ughh..."
"Eh, h-hey..."
And then, she started crying, big, rolling tears.
She burst into sobs, like a child, and threw herself into my chest.
Did I say something to make her cry like that? I wondered, but her anxiety must have been that great.
"Don't cry so early in the new year..."
"Ugh~... Whose fault do you think it is...?!"
However, her tears suggested that I was indeed the cause, and if so, then this was something I had to accept.
Thinking that, I continued to stroke Iroha's back, holding her closeâ
â-----
I woke up long after the sun had risen.
Recognizing a stirring presence around my arm, I looked to see Iroha. She was clad in the sleepwear I had prepared, breathing softly in her sleep.
Watching her sleeping face brought back many memories. After that, we went home without much ado after visiting the shrine, got ready, and went to sleep together. Looking at the clock, it was already past noon, so it seemed I had slept quite soundly.
"..."
I stared at Iroha's sleeping face, bathed in the light filtering through the curtains.
Looking at her like this, she wasn't just cute; she was somehow divine, so beautiful that I was left speechless. Iroha's sleeping face was so pretty that corny words like "goddess" came to mind.
I didn't want to disturb her sleep. That's what I thought, butâ
"â"
I unconsciously pecked her lips.
I couldn't help but do it, and it felt like a very natural act.
"Mmm..."
Iroha's eyelashes trembled faintly, and her eyelids slowly opened. When her eyes met mine, Iroha had a faint smile on her lips.
"Happy New Year, Senpai."
"Oh... Happy New Year... I guess I hadn't said it yet."
"No, you hadn't."
Iroha chuckled, then quickly stole a kiss from my lips. I wondered if she had noticed me secretly kissing her.
"Please take care of me again this year."
"Yeah. You too, please..."
As I was saying that, Iroha leaned into me and hugged me. I felt the softness of Iroha's body all over, and my heart instantly expanded.
That meant that blood circulation throughout my body improved, which was, in a sense, a normal bodily reaction.
After kissing me while I was making internal excuses, Iroha gave an awkward smile. Ah... this feels like dĂŠjĂ vu...
"Um... are you saying 'you too' to this?"
What Iroha's gaze pointed to was that thing, which had become incredibly hard.
"No, this is more of a physiological phenomenon, or something..."
At times like this, I felt pathetic for only having such clichĂŠs at my disposal. It would have been good if that excuse had made her leave me alone, but Iroha just kept staring at me with her upward gaze.
"Well, if Senpai isn't in the mood, that's fine, but..."
Her hesitant way of speaking was so unlike Iroha.
However, that attitude made me anticipate what she would say next.
"Don't you want to?"
The moment she said it, I felt as if my chest had been shot through with a zuck-yoo-n sound effect.
I wondered if she was doing it on purpose, but her cheeks were faintly red. Cute. Irresistibly cute. Oh no, I'm losing my Hachiman vocabulary...
"...Honestly, I want to."
"...Yes."
When I said it honestly, Iroha's face flushed even more. When she showed such innocent reactions, the gap between that and her usual self was unbearable.
"Please be gentle, okay?"
I knew best that her sudden show of cunning was just her way of hiding her embarrassment.
I nodded subtly, and then, once again, covered Iroha's lipsâ