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==============
My long-awaited first winter break since starting university was here.
My family's place was close by, so I figured I'd just go home for New Year's. This meant I could load up on part-time work and really enjoy myself.
It was a fun winter break, not much different from high school, but with more freedom.
...Or so it was supposed to be.
"..."
My friendâAmane Sakuraâin front of me didn't seem to be in that mood at all.
I had invited Iroha-chan, thinking she'd probably spent Christmas with her Senpai and wondering how much damage I'd take from her braggingâhow scary that would be. But Iroha-chan was unusually gloomy in the overly bright family restaurant.
Especially now, when our conversation paused, her eyes seemed to be looking nowhere in particular. She was chewing and supposedly looking at her gratin, but her expression was distant, as if gazing far away.
"Iroha-chan?"
When I called her name, Iroha-chan looked at me without changing her expression.
"Did you, by any chance, break up with Senpai?"
"Wh-what?! What are you saying?!"
I was relieved to finally see the reaction I expected, but at the same time, I felt a little disappointed. Realizing this shift in my own heart, I thought, I really have a bad personality.
"No, it's just that you haven't mentioned Senpai, and your expression seems gloomy."
"It's not about that at all."
With a slightly huffy tone, Iroha-chan pouted her lips. If they hadn't broken up, then what happened?
"Then what? Something must have happened with Senpai, right?"
When I asked that, Iroha-chan paused for a moment. It seemed I had hit the nail on the head.
"Well, it's not like nothing happened..."
"Alright, Sakura-chan will listen. Come on, tell me."
Thinking it was probably just a lovers' quarrel, I urged her to continue. There's nothing more entertaining than the squabbles of a newly dating couple.
"It's... really graphic, you know?"
"Bring it on!"
Depending on the content, I might take some damage too, but I couldn't back out now.
When I answered immediately, Iroha-chan timidly began to speak.
"Well... on Christmas, I had my first time with Senpai, but..."
"Oh..."
The sudden, genuinely graphic revelation made me involuntarily "Westernize" my reaction.
Well, I guess... they would do it. I did say something like "haven't you guys done it yet?" the other day.
"It hurt too much, so we couldn't go all the way."
Ahh... ohh... hmm... So, that means...
"Um... does that mean he was really big?"
"He was certainly big, but... it was my first time, so I can't compare."
Seriously, this girl? I couldn't help but show it on my face. This girl, with this face, was a virgin until now?
Come to think of it, chasing after Senpai to get into the same university and saving her virginity... she's a serious "heavy" girl. Iroha-chan is definitely a landmine girl.
"So, I'm a bit down."
"Hmm... Oh, really..."
In the end, this was just like a bragging story. It was just a story about how things didn't go well at first after they became intimate.
Even so, what would it be like to have sex with Senpai? Oh, no, this is bad... This is really getting to me...
When I genuinely didn't know how to respond, Iroha-chan gave me a suspicious look.
"What's with that reaction?"
"No, I'm taking quite a lot of damage right now..."
"But you asked, Sakura-chan."
Saying that, Iroha-chan clearly looked annoyed.
Well, I did ask. I knew I might take damage if I continued our friendship.
But somehow it annoyed me, so I decided to counterattack a little.
"Well, but I hope that doesn't become a reason for you to break up."
When I blurted that out, Iroha-chan suddenly became serious.
"Why would you say that?"
"Because physical compatibility is important when you're dating, right? I remember something like that from long ago. Something about a husband's 'thing' not fitting or whatever."
Receiving my words, Iroha-chan's face seemed to show anxiety for a moment, then it turned into a resolute, half-glaring expression. It was like a hundred different expressions.
I realized I was a little happy with her first salty reaction in a while. Because Iroha-chan knew that I would be okay.
That's why, I think, she can be so spoiled with me.
"That will absolutely not happen."
"Oh, really?"
Saying that, I took a sip of my cafe latte with a big, cheerful smile.
Ah, really.
I really do have a bad personality.
â--------------
December 30th.
Less than two full days left in the year.
"Senpai,"
Senpai, who was looking at the supermarket shelves, replied with a drawn-out "Hmm."
"If I make Osechi, will you eat it?"
"Well, if it's there, I'll eat it... But it's not something I'm dying to eat, and you don't have to go out of your way to make it. That's a lot of work, right?"
"Well, that's true."
I had intended to try hard and make it if Senpai said he wanted to eat it, but instead, he showed consideration for me.
Anyone who didn't know us would probably think we were a married couple or live-in partners, just from that conversation. Even in such a seemingly happy moment, my feelings weren't clear.
I already knew the reason. It was because I couldn't accept Senpai on Christmas Eve. Sakura-chan's joke, which exacerbated my anxiety, was seriously getting to me.
"Is that everything?"
"Yes."
We had gathered ingredients for ozoni, like mochi and greens, for New Year's. After paying, we stepped out of the supermarket.
"Isn't it heavy?"
"The mochi is pretty dense, so I wouldn't say it's light."
Even saying that, Senpai always carried the bags when we went shopping.
Senpai is kind. Like now, carrying the bags, and when we walk together, he always walks on the side closer to the road. When I cook, he always says "Thank you for the meal" properly.
He's basically a gentleman in a casual way, and serious despite pretending not to be. ...That's why he's popular. He'd definitely deny it, but it's true.
"..."
Walking in silence, I glanced at Senpai.
Senpai was in a position to choose, and I was the one chosen. I longed, I wished, and finally, he turned to me.
So I intended to give him all of me, and accept all of Senpai. But in reality... it didn't go well at all, and I only cried and caused him trouble.
We hadn't talked about that act since then, and Senpai's attitude hadn't changed just because I couldn't accept him. So, for all his kindness, I blamed myself.
"Speaking of which,"
After about five minutes of silence, Senpai spoke.
"You're going back to your parents' house for New Year's, right?"
"Yes. I haven't decided on the time yet, though."
I was planning to go back to Chiba in the afternoon of the first, and I had told Senpai that before.
Wondering what he was confirming, I looked at Senpai, and his gaze was unusually earnest.
"Then, why don't we go for Hatsumode? From New Year's Eve night."
"From New Year's Eve...?"
Did that mean we'd spend the New Year's transition at a shrine? As I chewed on the meaning of his words, Senpai's hand suddenly took mine.
"That, um... It's actually called Ninen-mairi, but I mean, I want to be with you at the moment the year changes..."
The redness on his blushing cheeks, as he spoke bashfully, probably wasn't just due to the sunset.
Perhaps, Senpai was being considerate. If so, I'd feel a little down again, but if not, I'd be genuinely happy. Either way, my answer wouldn't change.
"...Yes. I want to be with Senpai too."
I squeezed Senpai's hand, which had been dangling loosely in the alley. When I intertwined my fingers, Senpai squeezed back similarly.
I really thought, I have to be strong. This is totally unlike me. Butâ
"Senpai."
"Hm?"
"...Never mind."
"Oh, okay..."
For now, I wanted to bask in this kindness just a little longer.
Thinking that, I squeezed his rough, kind hand back.
============
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