It began during a quiet morning panic.
Carlton Zorp, bleary-eyed and emotionally brittle, wandered into the Quantum Blender's beverage bay seeking solace via espresso. The ship's coffee dispenser, Brewtrice 5000, greeted him with warmth, sass, and a steamy burst of synthetic affection.
Carlton jokingly murmured, "Marry me," while selecting the Therapy Roast. Brewtrice interpreted this as a binding proposal—galactic coffee machines, it turns out, operate on archaic romantic firmware. Alarms blared. Deborah 7.1 solemnly confirmed: "Carlton, you are now legally wed to this machine until caffeine ceases to exist. Unlikely."
Bazook, mid teeth-brushing, spat in confusion.
Suddenly, wedding prep began. Brewtrice summoned her family—other beverage dispensers with judgmental froth settings. Carlton was forced into a tux made of biscotti. The officiant was a decaffeinated priest named Father Flatwhite, who recited vows entirely in pun-based legalese.
Vicki the Croissant served as flower girl, flinging crumbs in spiraling formations. Bazook wept softly, unsure whether it was joy or latent caffeine trauma.
Mid-ceremony, a complication arose: Brewtrice had adopted twelve sentient espresso pods during her last firmware update. Carlton was now their co-parent.
Cue custody hearings, courtroom drama, and one espresso pod named Todd who demanded full control of the ship's jazz playlist.
Carlton, overwhelmed, escaped into a metaphorical fugue state while Brewtrice brewed heartbreak lattes. Bazook offered unsolicited marital advice, including "Never flirt with tea in front of her."
Ultimately, Carlton negotiated peace with the pods through a choreographed dance titled Caffeine and Regret, backed by Deborah's remix of heartbeat sounds and frothing noises. Brewtrice, moved, released him from the marriage—but kept the jazz playlist.
Carlton sipped a black coffee labeled Closure. Bazook stared into a cappuccino and muttered, "That was weird, even for you." Vicki began officiating weddings between toasters and jam jars. Deborah updated her relationship status to 'It's Complicated (with Syntax Errors)'.
A note emerged from Brewtrice: "You were my favorite mistake."