I cycled as fast as I could, the moments of the previous few minutes replaying in my head, hoping I wouldn't wake up from this confusing sort of dream where everyone except the very people who were supposed to love me ,were by me and told me "it's okay". I wasn't exactly the type of person who could be her own muse. I needed people; that much I learned today .Holy progress.
I reached home and roughly parked - almost threw - my bike beside the outdoor fence. I rushed to put my keys in the kitchen, hoping against hope I wouldn't confront my mom. I had to turn a nozzle off before Mom knew .What if she had already seen it ? Nooo, I can't even think of that... can I...?
I ran upstairs and threw open the door of my room. My breath hitched .Mom stood in the door frame of the bathroom.
Shit.
"How many times do I have to tell you --', Mom said in the loud voice and an expression quite fit for her angry face.
I know, I'm sorry. I forgot to turn it off because ... I..." I didn't know what to say."I was too busy looking at your angry expressions" was what I wanted to say, but my head was probably the better sanctuary for it.
"No this is getting too much. I have told you over and over and over again to turn that damn nozzle off and your pathetic head would know it drenches the backyard .Maybe you're better off sharing a bathroom with River. At least she knows how to handle a bathroom", she said in dire anger.
"It's . the . backyard .It's supposed to be drenched in water,"I defended.
"I have told you millions of times ,that water ruins the tiles .Why don't you ever get it?" Mom complained.
"Won't happen next time ,fine..?" I said apologetically .This was the first time something like this had happened, but I knew the feeling .It was intoxicating ;suffocating almost ,the feeling of humiliation ,even though a part of me told me that it wasn't me who was in the wrong. Everything felt out of place ,but at least some part of me wasn't blaming myself.
"I'll see to that," She said as she walked out of the room.
I sat at the edge of my bed, holding my hands in each other as if they would detach .I could feel my head get warmer and warmer .Palms now on my shoulders, I could feel a burning fear and a tear slowly falling down on my warm cheeks. I pressed my teeth together as if they were falling out. I pressed my eyes shut so that the horrible image I saw in my head could be faded out. That didn't work. I couldn't breathe. I had worse attacks before but this one was intoxicating .Each time a panic attack or anxiety one came, I told myself that this was a new low. But I don't know how many new 'lows' I was going to reach before completely breaking down and falling on my knees. I had a vague idea that that time was pretty near.
Until then, I could keep on being invulnerable.
And masked.