Knuckles clenched around the steaming kettle, all my mind could process were unsettling thoughts.
Phone buzzed. A text. Zelda's name lit up the screen:
"I have to tell you something,"
---
A pause, something inside me told me this might be big ,but well right now instincts don't matter if you have no proof, I hated how scared I was,
Three dots. Then:
"Big project ,audition in a week. I think you'll be perfect,"...
---
A strong stillness grip my mind .The belief that instincts could matter without proof, for once my instincts and me mattered then it was all gone, then fear .It hit me like burnt brownies on a rainy day,
I couldn't do this what if I wasn't enough ,good enough...?
I type ,"I can't",
Delete,
type, "You know I can't do this"
Send
---
I moved around and faced my mother sitting on the far end table peeling vegetables, I looked at her solid, rough face full of wrinkles of worry and anger ,how her forehead would always scrunch when I talked to her ,how her lips pursed when she had to talk to the piece of disappointment named journey. To her I was devastation, to myself I was sunshine and rain and that was all that should've mattered. I looked at her for a split second before I averted my gaze to the portrait of me and button ,one of the dogs, beside her, They never had time to fix the broken glass on my frame .My smile on the frame looked fake and in that moment I felt angry, just angry ,I couldn't determine why.
But I just couldn't imagine how she would react if I took the opportunity; the opportunity of a future, a beautiful future of freedom...
But it was all too delusional, too far from me to go. What if the project didn't work out and then what, what about my mum my dad .I shouldn't expect good things for murderers, but well a girl can hope, can't she.
All thoughts aside I had to go to work so I left the kitchen and went upstairs to get ready. My room was as tidy as my mum wanted. I showered when I woke up so now I just had to pick my clothes straighten up my face a bit ,get to work. Oh, I also had to go face Zelda. I really didn't want to go but well .I picked out a pair of jeans from my closet: a pale brown t-shirt and some sneakers. I put them on and put my hair back in a loose clip. I popped on a hint of lipstick on my pale lips and a little mascara so that my eyes didn't look too tear-stricken. My cheeks were already red, too red I walked towards the mirror and looked myself up and down .The overall appearance was pretty ;to some people ,not all .
It was probably just me but the brunette hair looked lighter than usual ,probably all the sunlight I was getting ;enough to photosynthesize. A rare thought but today I looked like someone who had it all together ; that the puzzle was complete even though the pieces were taped. I let a few strands out of my hair, grabbed the oversized tote and my keys from the chipped tray and ran outside to grab my bike and escape the doom ,but a bark held me back. Then another ,then another and then the daily series started.
So I ran to the orchard and to the old stubborn tree where the kennel was situated. It had a wooden frame ,probably built by someone in the family ages ago. A patchy but sturdy roof and it's soft chipped color were the main attraction about it. I left my bicycle by the fence and jogged to the kennel.
"Miso calm down you literally act like I moved to another continent overnight", I could have sworn miso --- clingy and dramatic --- thought she was a cat. You could've given me a million dollars and I would have still believed it.
"Where's Dusty and button, now calm down I'm coming to you too " I said as I opened their doors,
The orchards smell like dew and grass and I looked at the structure once again. The faded light blue used to be my favourite colour when I was 10, now it's rusty brown ,good old evolution.
Dusty was by me in a second ,tail wagging and tongue out .Miso was doing that thing where he ran in little circles as if caffeinated .Reminds me, I forgot my coffee for today, "It's going to be a slow day" ,
Button sat by the gate with watery eyes, like her boy just ran from home,
"Okay I get it you love me more than anyone else in the world", I whispered as I knelt down, peppering kisses to fluffy heads ,as I pulled them close one by one.
"But some of us have to go out and earn dog food money, you know", I scratched miso's chin and brushed dirt off of Dusty's back , then I stood up and took a step back and all three barked again.
"Guys please, I'll be back in a few hours .Button don't look at me like that, ya'll are my favorite reason to cancel plans but right now, I need to pretend to be a functional adult."
Button looked at me with her wet eyes again.
"Fine, two pets each ,only if you don't make that face button"
And maybe he understood because his face widened and he sported a small grin. He always understood.
I went back to the bicycle and took it to the small road ,then I started towards the city .The sun was starting to get warmer and warmer but the roads were quiet, the kind of morning that smelt like someone else's burnt toast; burnt but a good memory.
Every Monday Wednesday and Friday, I left home early ,half an hour early, in fact. Right before the busy area of the city started, there was this row of old red brick houses, all giving off this blurry '80s playlist vibe: Forever Young ,Everybody wants to rule the world ,Girls just want to have fun ,Running up the hill ,
Every little thing she does is magic (1:06 -1:11)