After walking out of her door ,I inhaled fresh air and wiped a hot tear running down my cheek.
" If this is what love feels like ,then I want it to crowd me ,impossible apparently in my case" I thought as I biked through the street. The sky was starting to get darker as clouds crowded the sky ,blocking the Sun ;my favorite kind of weather .I loved rain. It was peaceful as if it cleared my head full of thoughts with the raindrops.
I saw the dark brown wood-walled cafe in the distance. As I got closer ,dread filled me up .I had to face Zelda, I just knew it .What excuse was I going to make this time.
I parked my bicycle outside the cafe and by this time the sky of Portland was filled with dark clouds .The cafe -- daylight and espressos -- was nearly empty when I walked in ;with freshly cleaned windows and a low drizzle of rain. I walked over to the kitchen at the back and hanged my bag. I saw Samantha sitting on a chair a little further away, scrolling on her phone . She hadn't seen me come in ,so I crept over, past the coffee machines and the scent of burnt vanilla, design lunged ,clamping icy hands over her eyes.
"Guess who's infested by her phone again" , I said in a cartoonish growl.
"What the fu** was that?!!" She growled an evilish grin flickering across her face.
"You should've seen the look on your face..!!"I laughed.
"At this point you're too good at this . Also don't do that again, I thought it was a creepy dude Finch again," She said in a hollow tone
" Sorry," I sympathized.
"Don't be ,all's good, "she said apologetically.
I smiled a big smile ,not a real one but one out of sympathy myself.
"Well no customers ,what are we going to do?" I asked.
"Wait , I s'ppose, I've been waiting for so long, not a single person in sight ,probably the rain , Oh and Zelda was here, asking for you, but I told her your shift was late, so she went away but asked me to tell her when you came ,"Samantha went on about the while before.
"Please don't tell her, too much on my plate already," I pleaded .
"Fine, but tell her yourself" she said.
"Okay ,will do" I wasn't going to tell her.
I turned around and started to make coffee for myself when the first customer walked in ,then another ,then more ,slowly filling the place. I got the orders and started preparing them when I heard a familiar jolly voice behind me.
"Can we talk? " Zelda asked.
"I'm on my shift", I said without facing her.
"Well this is just a teeny bit important and I could really use a talk right now." Zelda said unapologetically.
"Fine, give me a sec" , I said as I called Samantha over.
"Hey ,can you watch over, just for 10 minutes, please?"
"Sure, tis' better than doing nothing. But hey, you owe me one" , She said.
A nodded and took off my apron then followed Zelda and sat on the small table at the end of the cafe. Zelda sat opposite me.
(Avoiding eye contact)"You can't just drop life-changing sh*t in a text ,Zelda" I said.
"Would you have answered if I called?"
A heartbeat ,my thumb traced the rim of the cup I was holding.
"I'm not some... project that you think you can fix with a movie role,"
(Zelda leaned forward) "I'm not fixing you, i'm helping you .There's a difference,"
My jaw tightened ,the cafe"s playlist faded into landslide too on-the-nose.
"What if I'm terrible?"
"What if you're not?"
Silence ,the rain picked pace.
(Softer) "You know I wanted to cast you? Because you, Journey ,are begging someone to notice, you notice you drowning; wanting someone to understand. I know that won't solve long-term problems but it can serve as a help ,just one help. I come here almost every day and see you working yourself off with the face that would make anyone cry .You always wanted this and you're exactly what the character needs. You know you need just one chance, one helping hand, Let that be me..."
My breath hitched
"Mom's going to lose it..."
"She already has," Zelda said ,in nothing more than a soft whisper.
My chair scraped as I got up , too much pressure , when Zelda held my wrist --- not crush just enough to say:
"Wait, listen. You turn 18 in two days .You get to choose who you are now . Nobody else does. And if you think I want you in the film for the perfect character, I don't. I just want to help.
"Just give me a little time Zelda ,this is really pressurizing .Please..." ---I gave into the tremor in my voice and the hot tear in my eye --- All my performative toughness crumbling in front of my eyes. I really couldn't take it all at once.
The air between us thickened as if my sudden change in tone silenced everything around us, and suddenly the blob in my throat broke, and a tear rolled on my cheek.
Zelda didn't move, didn't push any further ;just studied me with those filmmaker's eyes --- The kind that would see the un-edited versions of people.
---
"Okay ,"she said finally ,her voice soft and vulnerable; like she'd been waiting to see me break ,the real version of me."Time is really all we've got, isn't it?"
I looked into her soft, sympathetic hazel eyes that stared into mine firmly ,and she reached out; not to grab my wrist this time but to touch my hand, hold it -- the kind of gesture that said "I'm here but I won't crowd you"
I stared at her hand on mine :her's steady ,mine shaking slightly; at her detailed, veiny hand on my dirty, nail bitten one. Then I looked up and for the first time, I noticed the silver streaks in her hair and her mismatched earrings --- one a star, one of moon.
"But hey", she gazed at me with steady eyes. " Pressure's just the universe's way of reminding you that you're alive, And you?" A warm grin "You're so goddamn alive ,it hurts."
She passed a napkin towards me. I didn't even realize I was crying.