"I don't really even know where to start," Yichen sighed. "I guess I'll start from when I had gained enough consciousness to know that I was an orphan."
"I was about three or four years old when I saw a group of kids tugging and annoying an older woman. I assumed that she was their madam, like I had one, but it was really weird that they were so close together and free, until my brother Yixuan explained to me that she was their mother."
"Back in the orphanage, it was only me and Yixuan. The only family I knew of were brothers and sisters. I didn't know there was a thing called 'parents'. But when I found out, I asked my brother where our mother and father were."
"'They are not here,' he said. 'They will never be here because neither wanted us. Do you understand? I know you will be sad, but I cannot feed you sweet lies. They are not here because they have never felt any love toward us. They are not here because they never felt anything for the two sons they abandoned. To hope for them is to hope that roses will bloom in winter and the sun will rise from the west. It will never happen.'"
I had expected Yichen to sob, or at the very least, have tears in his eyes. But no, he remained silent, and we stared at him with nothing but hearts full of sadness and empathy.
"I cried a lot after he said that. Almost every night I wondered if what he said was true, if our mother and father really had left us. I imagined an opposite life, where I had the, laughing and tugging at their clothes as they smiled or looked annoyed."
"Yet it never happened. No matter how much I wished to every god, no matter how much I cried, I still remained an orphan."
"So I stopped crying. It felt like all my tears had run out."
"I decided to try and stay happy. Why should I make my already miserable life worse? So I started to look at the silver lining, my one and only, beloved older brother."
"We spent a lot of time together, mostly playing, but occasionally looking out for each other. The days back in the orphanage weren't so bad. I had almost enough food, and a loving brother I could rely on."
"I remember once when we both got caught by our madam for not sleeping early, so we had to clean the whole dining hall. We stayed up so late, and that night we talked so much. We bonded over secrets we had forgotten to speak of, and thoughts we'd never said out loud. It was the best night of my life."
I felt happy for Yichen. I could see the sweet, involuntary smiles Lianyu and Ariya had on their faces, until I realized I had the exact same expression and quickly tried to cover it. Yichen had noticed our smiles, though he wasn't happy. His eyes had finally started to fill with water as he blinked continuously.
"My brother left me. Yixuan left. When I turned ten, he had turned fourteen, an age ready to start working. He was really skilled in carpentry and had helped at many shops. I knew that one day he would have to leave to continue his passion in a faraway place. I expected it, yet I didn't want to accept that it would be so soon."
"He left me a letter on his 14th birthday," Yichen continued. "The day I had prepared him meaningless gifts and assumed would be a day of happy memories became the day I cried for the first time in three years."
"He said in the letter that he had gotten a job in the palace, where he could carve expensive furniture and earn a good living, and that he'd try to send some money. He told me that once I turned fourteen, I'd also have to leave the orphanage. So he searched for work and left the address of this mansion in the letter."
"All this happened about two years ago. I hated my brother. I didn't want his money, or any memory of him. But unfortunately, that wish also never came true."
"Even after all this time, the only thing I want is to see Yixuan. To know if he's alright. To see how he looks now. And whether he finally got rid of that ugly moustache!"
I chuckled at his words, even though I knew Yichen was trying to distract himself from talking about his brother.
"I decided to come here on my eleventh birthday. I didn't want to stay in a place that reminded me of that person. So I left the orphanage one night and found Miss Lianyu sitting under a tree, looking at the sky filled with stars — though she looked more beautiful than them, as far as I remember!"
Lianyu let out a hearty laugh, followed by a sudden cough that startled all three of us.
"Well, go on now, dear," Lianyu said.
"There's not really much to say, except that I later found out how Yixuan had searched for months to get this job for me. He recommended it, saying Miss Lianyu is a kind woman who would take good care of me."
"Even so… even though I know my brother did so much for me, I could never forgive him. I was his only family, and he was mine. Yet all he left me was a letter and abandonment."
The three of us looked at each other, unsure what to say.
"It's fine. This place is way better. I get more food, and… well, at least I found people I can rely on, who I hope won't abandon me!" Yichen said cheerfully, though I felt a hint of mockery in his voice.
We tried to console him, but he didn't want to hear any of it. He said he just wanted to share his story. Still, my heart felt empty as he spoke about being abandoned by his only family. I wanted to know how he truly felt. I wanted to hold him tightly. I wished I could be his older brother, one who would take care of him, so he could smile cheerfully instead.
"I want to hear Meilina's story now! How was it in Bharat? Oh, and are you also a Buddha?" Yichen asked excitedly, as I wondered when he would finally learn it's Buddhist.
All three of them looked at me like lions eyeing a deer before the pounce.
I finally realized that I had to open up and tell them about my own past.
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Chapter Nine: "Yet, while her blade was sharp enough to cut through flesh, her mind was sharper, solving complex equations as easily as she drew her weapon."