One day, we all went out to a restaurant.
It was late in the evening, the wind grew stronger and whipped against my cheeks with the kind of frequency you'd expect in winter — even though it hadn't arrived yet. Ryan had just turned sixteen, and we were celebrating his birthday.
I sat at the edge of the table while the birthday boy took the middle seat. Mary sat with James and Jeremy across from me, and Malachai and Joshua sat next to him.
"We could go get drinks later," Joshua suggested. He never liked restaurants or crowded places, so he wasn't thrilled that we came here.
"I have work tomorrow morning," Malachai replied.
"Me too. My boss will kill me if I skip again, and I owe my mom fifty bucks. I missed work once and he said if I don't show up on time next time, he'll kick me to the curb," added Mary.
"Come on, it's my birthday — and I'm sixteen!" Ryan urged, supporting Joshua's idea. "At least some of you."
He looked at me and the rest of the group who hadn't said anything. A silence fell. It was broken by a sudden bang against the table. The force of it caused a crack to form in the surface.
"Calm down, Ryan," James said. "You've got anger issues?"
"Says the one to talk."
I lowered my head, trying not to step onto the battlefield that was clearly about to break out. I didn't want to get hit — by accident or otherwise.
"And you, Mike? You coming with us?"
All eyes turned to me.
If Jeremy was going, I'd consider it. If not, then there was no way. Honestly, I didn't like being around Joshua and Ryan alone — their energy felt different when we weren't in a group.
"Ummm… I was thinking maybe—"
My sentence was cut short.
"Mike, it's my birthday. If you come, it'll make me happy."
Do I want to see him unhappy? Of course not. But am I capable of making someone feel bad over something like this?
"We all had our sixteenth birthdays, including you — and we spent them however we wanted, right?"
"Actually… mine wasn't exactly like—" I began, when Ryan interrupted.
"What are you talking about? Don't you remember how much fun we had? You said it was the best birthday of your life."
I don't recall saying anything like that.
"I don't know…"
"Oh come on, just have a beer with us. Your boyfriend's coming too, right, Jeremy?"
Jeremy's eyes widened. He looked nervous, even scared.
"I'll come too," he said.
"He's not my boyfriend," I protested.
"No one's going to believe that. Everyone knows you're gay — and so is he."
"That's not true."
"Keep lying, maybe we'll believe you."
I'm not ready to come out to them yet.
I'm scared of how they might react — they're capable of anything, and I don't want to suffer even more than I already do.
They don't know much about me, and maybe that's a good thing… but it's also exhausting.
Friends are supposed to talk about everything — but this isn't the kind of group you can open up to about everything.
Two hours had passed since we got here. They started talking about all sorts of vulgar stuff — thankfully, nothing was said about me or to me.
Jeremy became the target of jokes at that point.
They mocked him for everything he did, no matter how small.
I felt sorry for him — that he had to go through it.
But I knew that if I said anything, they'd just turn on me instead.
My gaze wandered toward James, who wasn't paying any attention to me. I was curious if he'd look at me right then.
In my head, I repeated: "look at me, look at me, look at me."
Hoping for an immediate response.
It didn't happen.
I started wondering if he liked boys too, or only girls. Even though I knew the answer, I still clung to hope that maybe something would change. Just one percent would make me happy.
It's awful having feelings for someone who doesn't share your orientation.
Why can't I ever have what I really want?
"Alright, shall we go?" Joshua clapped his hands. "I'm so pumped from all this waiting."
James whispered something in Mary's ear, and she laughed a moment later.
"We actually need to go," she announced.
"It's getting late," said Malachai.
We left the restaurant. Heavy rain poured down and soaked us to the bone. James walked off with Mary straight to his car. Once they reached the passenger side, he slapped her on the butt and opened the door for her.
I wasn't jealous of her —
I was jealous that I wasn't the one in her place.
It wasn't fair.
He should be the one opening the door for me.
He should be the one kissing me passionately.
He should be telling me he loves me — and I him.
"Let's go party!" Joshua shouted.
Malachai got into his own car and drove off. He never let me ride with him, and I never understood why. I never got an answer.
"Jeremy, put your seatbelt on. You don't want to die on the way, do you?"
I got into the car and slowly we started driving in the opposite direction from James.
I watched his car drive farther and farther away…
until it disappeared completely.