"Should I go as Oravien, or as Elikear?" Oravien said, thinking aloud, looking at his fake cloak. Then he shifted his gaze to Alietra.
"Yes, let's go... we must see him," Oravien said. Alietra smiled and agreed.
---
After the meeting, Razin and Verina left. Tark came with them. Razin was going to tell Verina what was on his mind, as he had promised, while they walked until they reached the usual garden where they sit. The three sat on the chairs, and there was a moment of silence before Verina broke it.
"So, will you tell me what's on your mind?" Verina said, directing her gaze seriously at Razin. Razin raised his head slightly.
"Well... yes," Razin said in a quiet, sad tone before beginning.
"It really started to bother me... it saddens me a lot... that everyone has passed me by... I was happy when everyone said I was special... but look at the situation now... everyone passed the third stage except me... I am the last... and that bothers me... I wanted to be first or second," Razin said sadly, looking at the ground.
"Why do you always blame yourself?" Verina said angrily while lifting Razin's head so he could look at her. She looked at him sharply.
"It really started to bother me; it hasn't even been a month since I met you and you have changed so much... you rarely smile now!" Verina said with anger and sadness. She continued, "I understand that what you are going through is hard, but why?"
"I'm trying..." Razin said, but Verina interrupted him.
"You're trying, yes, but you're very gloomy!" Verina said sadly.
"Sorry... continue," Razin said.
Suddenly Verina lost control and let out all her feelings instead of the opposite. She felt regret for her action because this session was meant to relieve Razin, not to reproach him.
"I am really trying, Verina... but... really... everyone says I'm special... everyone... while I am the last in the ranking... why? This bothers me a lot," Razin said sadly while looking at her.
"You talk as if the problem is your talent or something like that. You know there are external forces hindering your progress... things in your mind... so why blame yourself?" Verina said sharply.
"I know... it really bothers me... I don't know what I feel... but it saddens and frustrates me no matter how I try to justify it... I'm the last, and that annoys me," Razin said as his expression started to tilt toward sadness. He added, "I love people's praise... I like them telling me I'm special... I enjoy that... I don't want that view of me to go away... especially from those close to me..." Razin said, looking at the two.
"You like people's praise? That's normal... I don't know what you think, but I never doubted that you are special... and I don't think others would doubt it... everyone knows you have circumstances that slow you down," Verina said looking sharply at him.
"Yes... there was a moment when you were in a good state, and you managed to pass two steps in two consecutive days; that's clear proof of your excellence," Tark said trying to encourage him.
Razin understood all of this. He knew everything happening around him, but at the same time, his thoughts made his feelings contradictory. He didn't know what he wanted, what he hated, or what he loved. His thoughts and the pressure on him made him unaware of his emotions. But one thing occupied Razin's mind more than anything:
"My family," Razin said while lowering his head.
"My father... my mother... they trusted me beyond words... always saying I am special... and that I would become the center of attention... and that happened... but now I can't... I'm the last... did I let them down? Would this upset them?" Razin said with deep regret.
"I don't know who your parents are... but I don't think anyone would hate their son just because he failed due to pressure... even if it were you," Tark said with a tone that then shifted to sadness.
"Unless he was like my father..." Tark showed a distressed expression and stopped talking.
Razin and Verina looked at him with disdain then continued.
"This is all I was thinking about... to be honest... these are all negative thoughts, yes... but I can't think positively at this time... sorry, Verina... sorry, Tark, it's really hard... but no one will understand how hard it is because I'm the only one experiencing it," Razin said with frustration.
"If I can't help you... then at least wait for your parents... maybe things will get better with them, right?" Verina said sadly for Razin's condition.
"At this point... I don't really know if I will continue activating my core... maybe I'll go home with my family and leave the school..." Razin said with a very sad expression. Verina and Tark were shocked by his words but could not say anything. They knew what Razin was going through was not easy.
Hours passed and night fell... Razin tried to train as usual like the last ten days... but he failed again because of the noises and everything happening... Razin slept very upset. He was always on the verge of tears during this last period. He felt psychologically broken because of his failure to activate his core... despite being special to everyone... he was still last in the class.
---
Verina's point of view
I know Razin is going through a very bad time... but can I really do anything for him? We don't understand what is happening to him... even the teacher didn't know... is it some external power from the world affecting his thoughts? I have no idea.
So I have no way to help Razin... all I can do is support him morally with some words... but I think Razin has passed this stage already... words from me alone won't help. She thought sadly looking at the floor of her room.
In fact, I feel that every smile Razin has had lately is fake... his actions don't match his smiles... he is drowning in depression but tries to smile in front of us... I realize that well.
Honestly, I have no problem if Razin withdraws from school... it's not the end of the world... but it would be very painful for Razin...
Razin is the boy everyone distinguishes... the pressure on him before entering this school was very strong... and when he entered, everyone expected a lot from him. That is what is destroying Razin now... he's drowning in thought... he wants to leave training... but leaving means disappointing everyone... this is the enormous pressure weighing on the shoulders of the one with the highest first beat in history. Fortunately, I'm not in his place...
But the last hope to restore Razin to his normal state is his parents... I don't think they can say anything special... but still... if he hears the same word from a stranger, a friend, and a mother, the mother's word will affect the most... then the friend's word... then the stranger's.
This is the reality... their words will benefit him more than mine, of course... but will it be enough to encourage Razin to continue? I don't know... let's wait and see.
"I wish you luck, Razin."
I lay on my bed looking at the clean ceiling. As for my condition, I am really in an excellent state... my study in the library was very useful... so much so that I feel that with some training to expand the size of my core... I will at least be able to use one of the basic summoning techniques... I think I know how to summon water... it was the easiest to understand its formation.
Yes, I devoted the last ten days to reading in the library... I learned a lot about the basics... and now only about ten days remain until the teacher begins explaining the techniques... I am very determined... but my enthusiasm is incomplete...
I really hope Razin can activate his core... he is a wonderful friend and a kind person... also, I still want to see what level a person who possesses a first beat equal to 70 will be... it's really sad that Razin would retreat from it and leave the techniques and go back home... he has a very high expected level... no, oh my foolishness... I am putting pressure on him now too...
The final result is that I cannot do anything about Razin except say positive things... and this saddens me. Razin's parents too... probably they can do nothing for Razin except encourage him. Razin himself has no solution... and what he was doing wasn't a solution anyway... continuing despite the crazy voices in his head was an unrealistic solution suggested as a last resort by the teacher, so I won't be surprised if he doesn't succeed, of course... now all Razin can do is continue under pressure... it's really painful... but I trust Razin... I hope he does it...
---
Verina fell asleep after her deep thoughts, ending the twentieth day since the techniques lecture.
The sun rose and pierced the windows... spreading its light all over the rooms... a ray of positive energy filled the place, except in one room... its window was closed...
Razin woke up with a gloomy face... trying to continue but he had given up.
"Another day of failure... no problem," Razin said while washing his face.
Before preparing himself to go to the hall, he sat a little on the bed... lost in his thoughts.
"What will happen if I don't succeed? What will everyone's reaction be? My father's reaction... my mother's... the teachers... everyone who expects a lot from me... they will be disappointed of course, but why? Was this my fault?" Razin said with dead, sad eyes.
"No... I don't think it was my fault... Verina's words are right, but will it change anything whether it was my fault or not? I don't know," Razin said and continued,
"Should I continue or retreat? Should I listen to the voices inside me? Maybe they're saying something useful? I never thought of it from this perspective before... but it's really possible..." Razin said while getting up from his bed.
"When will my parents come? I'm tired of waiting. All that's happening to me are a series of miserable attempts for ten days... I was trying to resist the voices but I never succeeded. At first, I tried hard and was close to overcoming it, but over time... my spark went out... to be honest, I no longer try with the same determination... so my failure in recent days was inevitable."
Razin left his room heading to the main building. He passed by Verina and greeted her—a greeting full of lost passion and determination. When Verina looked at Razin, she saw eyes with no light... filled with darkness.
Verina walked beside him... she tried to encourage him. She tried to start a topic with him, but Razin was not responding well; he was drowning in his thoughts. Will I succeed? Or fail? Should I go back or continue? Will my father come or not?
Verina thought maybe all Razin needs is one moral push... if not from me or Tark... then from his parents... but where are his parents anyway? When will they come? I don't know...
But the last and only hope for Razin's success is his parents. So... I will put my trust in them. I hope they truly convince Razin.
Verina directed her gaze toward Razin's face with a sad expression. She felt sorrow when she saw a picture of Razin from twenty days ago compared to now. His face was full of vitality and smile, but now it was dark... lifeless. All this because of activating the core... how unfortunate.
Verina's thoughts were interrupted by a word from Razin.
"Verina," Razin said her name. She felt a strange feeling... maybe a little happiness. Razin hadn't started talking for days... he was always the one silently receiving. Verina responded with a happy tone, "Yes?" She looked at Razin with a smile.
"My first beat... is it a blessing... or a curse?" Razin asked, looking at the ground. It was a question Verina did not expect much. It saddened her a little... but she was still happy because Razin shared his thoughts with her.
"To be honest... I can't answer well as long as I don't feel your feelings... but I have a general answer, and I think it's correct," Verina said, looking seriously at Razin.
"Really? Speak... I want to hear your opinion," Razin replied with a soft tone. Verina smiled for that.
"In fact... I think it has two sides... it is a curse at first... because you are exposed to severe pressure from everyone before activating it... but it is undoubtedly a blessing when you succeed... because you have a huge field for development and you will surely be special," Verina said smiling.
A very small smile almost unnoticeable appeared on Razin's face.
"That's your opinion? You're telling me to do my best under pressure so I can enjoy later?" Razin said in a slightly louder voice.
"Yes!" Verina said with a smile, trying to encourage him.
"Alright then... I will try my best in the coming days," Razin said after a brief silence, looking toward Verina.
"Thank you," Razin said with an almost unnoticeable smile.
"You shouldn't thank me, idiot... we're friends," Verina said jokingly.
"Yes, I think so," Razin smiled.
This wasn't the perfect answer Verina was waiting for from the usual Razin, but it was better than his previous ones... so Verina relaxed a little. She felt this short talk between them improved Razin's condition... and that made her happy.
They met Tark during their walk, and he joined them.
"Hello!" they all greeted each other. Tark looked a bit more relaxed and somewhat happy overall. They didn't talk much and headed toward the meeting.
Time passed. The meeting held nothing special. Razin was still last in progress to activate the core, but this time he did not show a big reaction.
More time passed, and the meeting ended with some conversations between the students and their teacher. Nothing remarkable happened. Some students started passing the fourth stage. This is normal at this time of the month; usually all students start finishing the fourth stage.
Elsewhere... the sounds of a cart's wheel hitting small stones on the road were heard... scraping everything in front of it... In a long forest separating the northern lands and the eastern lands, Oravien's house was located between the two regions but closer to the north.
Alietra and Oravien were riding with a cart driver... neither knew each other... The driver was a young man younger than both. Oravien was about 29 years old, Alietra a little younger at 27. Based on his appearance, the driver looked about 20. They were heading toward Moraief.
"How long until we arrive?" Alietra asked her husband.
"About six hours left... we just left the forest a little while ago," Oravien answered.
Oravien was disguised as elikear once again... this was his decision, while Alietra was normal. Perhaps if one of the Alethiars' elders saw her, they would recognize her immediately and might suspect Oravien's presence... but this doesn't mean Oravien the outcast is safe.
Their plan was to enter the school as visitors so Oravien wouldn't reveal his identity as Razin's father. This was precautionary since Oravien was expelled from the city. Even if Filmore said his opinion had changed, that meant nothing for the matter of expulsion that had changed... maybe it was just Filmore's personal opinion. Besides, Filmore's opinion didn't matter as long as the father's ruling opinion hadn't changed, so Oravien was never safe.
Razin was outside now after the meeting with Verina and Tark. They went to the school restaurant and ate together. Razin wasn't happy, but his condition was a little better than previous days.
After a while, the three went to the garden and sat under the branches of the trees. Verina and Tark were discussing something, but Razin wasn't engaged in their topic. He was thinking... I have about nine to ten days left... will it be enough to complete the third and fourth steps and activate the core under the pressure of these strange voices? I don't know if I can do it... and I don't think I have enough enthusiasm for it...
I really don't know if I want to continue or not... I don't know... I'm lost... this is too much for me... what can I do? I will stay and try during the next ten days... and suffer from the voices in it...
"Razin?" Tark's call interrupted Razin's thoughts.
"Are you thinking about training?" Tark asked.
"Yes," Razin answered simply.
"I didn't tell you... but I wanted to... to be honest... I still believe 100% that you will succeed... and that we will all succeed. You are special... this won't be in vain. I believe your excellence will also show in activating the core... not just in the first beat," Tark said with an optimistic tone.
For Razin, these were just optimistic words trying to motivate him. He saw no logic behind them. Nothing Tark said seemed related to logic but rather to feelings. This was Razin's view on Tark's words. For Razin, the matter would never be solved just like that... something must change for him to be able to progress.
"I appreciate that... I will try," Razin said quietly.
Verina interrupted them.
"I think Tark is right... Razin, you are special... you managed to pass two steps in two consecutive days when your mind was clear of problems," Verina said.
Razin thought about her words... what's the use of having passed two steps during a clear mind if my current problem is the lack of clarity? I don't understand your point, Verina... how can this be suitable for my current state? Razin was thinking when his thoughts were interrupted by the next sentence from Verina,
"So I think... I think you will be able to overcome it and pass two steps during these ten days... I think this is possible for someone very special like you," Verina said, then paused and gave Razin a sharp look, "But you look like your passion is extinguished... there's no flame of enthusiasm in your eyes... so it's impossible to pass it at all in this state..."
Razin thought about her words... okay, if she could read my condition and thoughts, then... you're not bad, Verina. You're amazing as usual.
"So... I believe if your parents come during these days and talk to you, they will ignite the enthusiasm in you again... I am optimistic about this... I believe the reason for your return and your passing the matter is your parents' visit...There is nothing better than a kind word from your father and mother... that's what I believe," Verina said with full optimism and seriousness. Yet, her thoughts were somewhat different. It was a very hopeful talk... she didn't even know who Razin's parents were, or whether they would encourage him or scold and be upset with him. This was very optimistic coming from her... but also, she thought Razin's parents were kind and would support him. When she first saw Razin, he was very happy and positive. That probably meant that before coming here, his parents treated him very kindly and well. As for Tark, for example... she felt sorry for him. He seemed gloomy from the very first moment... because of his father.
"Do you really think so?.. I'm waiting for my parents' visit... but I don't even know if they will come this month or not. They promised, but maybe they couldn't make it this time... so I don't know," Razin said, looking toward Verina with a neutral expression. "Also, I don't know... maybe my parents will be upset with me... they've always expected a lot from me since I was born..." His expression changed to sadness.
"Trust your parents."
This phrase from Verina shook Razin's entire body and made him tremble. He immediately remembered the argument he had with Verina about three weeks ago.
Again, he was making the same mistake, but this time he quickly corrected himself.
"Yes, I trust them... thank you, Verina." He smiled at her faintly.
"Well done. Your parents will come, and you will tell them everything you want. They will ease your pain and support you... that's what you have to believe in."
Verina's words affected Razin deeply.
"Yes, that's right. Thank you!" Razin said with a grateful expression toward Verina. Those words greatly improved his mood...