Today I killed a man. Well, I wouldn't call him a man let alone a person. More so a disgusting thief. As I slit his throat I couldn't help but remember Father Atri's words. Revenge leads not to redemption or peace but hell and despair. What a joke, I feel so much better now that the bastard is dead. It still hurts, it hurts so unbelievably bad but at least the killer of my little serpent has met his journey's end. I hope he burns in the bowls of Ouros for the rest of eternity.
Still, I have no idea what to do with myself now. My will to live is non-existent and my faith has wavered to an uncomfortable degree. If the will of Ouros truly exists why let a fraud claim the name of his priesthood to trick fools like me. I truly believed, believed that he could cure my little serpent of the black plague or at least reduce her pain.
I was so stupid.
Why is it I still haven't caught it? Despite burying her blackened and puss wrapped body. Despite kissing her forehead goodnight when the pain was at its worst. Despite being exposed for so long. Is this some sort of cruel joke? Is my journey's goal truly so grand it requires the death of my child? What is my purpose? I can't believe in a god who allows such tragedy, I can't have faith in a path so cruel. I can only mourn and await whatever those grand plans are, then just as I ended that bastard I will turn away from God's decisions.
I will leave the islands soon, I'm sure to be hunted like a dog after committing such an act against that bastard, so, I will leave this note for those who look. For my friends, for you father Atri, and for the bastard guardsman who let him walk free.
My only regret is not killing him sooner, I regret attempting to forget and find peace. I have joined the severed and will soon attempt to find the sea's demon in the dead-zone between continents. If I live, If I am chosen and my wish is granted I will return and I will bring my child back from the scales of Ouros. If I am to die, never to return I leave all my belongings to the grand steeple of Ouros. Should anyone or anything else touch my belongings my revenant will haunt you to eternity's end and should you leap from Ouros's tail I will leap too with blade in hand.
Father Atri, you are a kind man. A true example of what a servant of Ouros should be, so much so I felt envious. She truly loved you, she loved playing games at the church with the other children. I wish I could forgive and forget, move on and live my life like you but I am not so kind. I'm tortured by the memories left behind in her loss.
In the morning, if she was awake she would weakly call for me. Her eyes were always half open, it hurt to see her so weak she couldn't even open her eyes properly. She would struggle to speak, coughing violently with every word. When I put on a worried face she would put on a strong smile. I know she wanted a hug, I know she wanted to ride on my shoulders, I know she wanted a kiss goodnight but she couldn't always get them. She was either asleep or in so much pain she could only curl up and hug her knees.
She was only ten.
What sick, cruel, and deranged god would allow this.
why why why why why why why
I don't get it. I don't understand. It hurts.
I want to hold her. I want to hear her call me dad one more time. I want to see her off as she goes to school. I want to wave goodbye as she spends the day playing with her friends. I want to eat a noisy supper with her. I want to hear about her day as she rambles on. I want to tell her about my day. I want to kiss her goodnight. I didn't want to bury her. I didn't want to kill that man. I don't want to lose my faith. I don't want to leave. I don't want anything.
I swear on my name, I will come back and I will kill you bastards that let the man walk free.
Goodbye father Atri, despite everything, despite all that will come to be.
I will miss you.