Vokey stared at the spattered gruel on the floor, the physical mess a perfect reflection of his mental state. He had just been rewarded for mastering a poop rune with five experience points and a chore. This wasn't magic; it was a punishment.
System: Do not be discouraged. Ammonium is one of the most plentiful ions. It is the most common polyatomic cation, crucial in acid-base chemistry and as a component in fertilizers and salts.
"Oh, wonderful," Vokey muttered, wiping his hand on his tunic. "So it's not just a poop rune, it's a popular poop rune. My sincerest apologies for my lack of enthusiasm, Vex."
System: 'Vex' is not a recognized system designation.
"It is now," Vokey snarled. "For 'Just A Really Vexing Intelligent Spirit.' It's got a nice, punchy feel, don't you think? Much better than that soulless 'System' tag. Let's move on to the next polyatomic ion."
Vex: Acknowledged. Proceeding to the next quest group: The Foundational Pairs.
"Wait," Vokey's blood ran cold. "Quest group? How many of these useless ions are there?"
Vex: To achieve the 'Basic Lab Equipment' skill tree unlock, you must master the Tier 1 and Tier 2 ions. Twenty-two remain.
Vokey felt the air leave his lungs. Twenty-two. He was stunned into silence. He thought of the young mages back home. By the time they had learned twenty-five runes, they were casting shields of solid earth, hurling fireballs, and weaving blades of sharpened air. They could hold their own in a duel. They could do things.
And he? He had to memorize twenty-five cryptic, nonsensical symbol combinations just to, what? Unlock the ability to summon a cup? The sheer, mind-numbing inefficiency of it was staggering. This wasn't a system of magic; it was a bureaucratic nightmare designed by a mad god with a love for paperwork.
He let his head fall back against the cold stone wall with a dull thud. He just groaned.
Fifteen minutes later, the groan had subsided into a low, simmering resentment. Boredom, however, was a far more potent motivator than ambition. There was nothing to do in his cell but stare at the walls, and he was already an expert on their chemical composition. He almost wished the guards would drag him to the Outbounds now, just for a change of scenery. But the famed Invoker bureaucracy was clearly doing its work, which is to say, not working at all.
With a sigh that seemed to drain the last of his will to live, he pulled the oatmeal-colored textbook back into his mind.
"Fine, Vex," he grumbled. "Let's get this over with. What's next on the list of profound disappointments?"
The textbook flipped to a new page. The heading read: Nitrate (NO₃⁻).
"Okay, so what's this one's sordid tale?"
Vex: Nitrate (NO₃⁻): A very common anion; salts containing nitrate are typically soluble, making it a frequent spectator ion and component in many reagents.
"Wait a second," Vokey's eyes narrowed. "N... the Duke is at it again. And who are the three lovely O's he's collected this time?"
Vex: Those are three oxygen atoms.
"Oxygen... so, air?"
Vex: Incorrect. Air is a mixture, primarily composed of diatomic nitrogen (N₂, approximately 78%) and diatomic oxygen (O₂, approximately 21%).
Vokey stared into the middle distance, his brain struggling to process the new layer of absurdity. "Hold on. You're telling me that the air I'm breathing is mostly N₂... two of the Duke... bonded to each other? And O₂... two... air particles... also bonded to each other? But this thing, this Nitrate, is one Duke who has somehow wrangled three Oxygens for himself? How is that even possible? It's the same ingredients in different, more complicated arrangements! Who is the dumbass mage who came up with this crud?"
Vex: Nitrates were first identified by alchemists who noted that certain minerals, when mixed with charcoal and sulfur, created an explosive black powder. They called the mineral 'saltpeter,' derived from the Latin 'sal petrae,' meaning 'stone salt,' as it was often found encrusting cave walls and cellars—particularly those with high concentrations of bat guano.
Vokey's eye began to twitch. "Bat... guano."
Vex: Correct.
"So, let me get this straight," he said, his voice dangerously calm. "The first ion was camel shit. And this one... is bat shit."
Vex: That is a chemically reductive but historically accurate summary.
"Of course it is," Vokey whispered. "It's all just different kinds of shit."
"And why is this one so negative?"
Vex: The negative charge indicates that the nitrate group as a collective has acquired one additional electron beyond the total number of protons in its constituent atoms. This creates a net charge of -1.
"And why is that?"
Vex: The charge is a function of valence electron configuration and the octet rule. Nitrogen possesses five valence electrons; each of the three oxygen atoms possesses six. The total number of available valence electrons in the neutral atoms is twenty-three. A stable molecular structure, where each atom satisfies the octet rule, requires an even number of electrons to form bonding pairs. An odd number, such as twenty-three, is inherently unstable. By acquiring one additional electron from its environment, the group achieves a stable configuration of twenty-four electrons.
Vokey's eyes glazed over. He hadn't understood a single word. It was a cascade of meaningless terms, a river of pure, unadulterated gibberish.
"You've got to be kidding me," he finally managed to say, his voice flat with disbelief. "What in the name of the five cycles are you even going on about?"
Vex: Do not worry. The principles of valence shells and covalent bonding are part of a later skill tree. For now, all you have to do is remember the ion's form and charge.
"I knew it," Vokey whispered, a bitter, triumphant laugh escaping his lips. "This whole thing is a complete and utter scam. You're dangling a reward in front of me that requires knowledge I don't even have access to yet."
Vex: The good news is that the next ion in this pair, Nitrite, is structurally similar. Nitrite (NO₂⁻) is simply a nitrate ion that has lost one oxygen atom. This structural difference alters its chemical properties, making it an effective food preservative, as you have already observed in your rations, while still being a component in certain reactive processes, though generally less potent than its nitrate counterpart...
Vokey tuned out the long-winded explanation. He seized on the one piece of information that mattered. "Wait. So the only difference between Nitrate and Nitrite... is that one of them got lazy and lost an oxygen atom? And for that, its name gets demoted?"
He threw his hands up in disgust. "It's the most pathetic naming convention I've ever encountered! It's like calling a Grand Magus 'Mage,' and his less successful brother who can only conjure lukewarm tea, 'Mage-ite'!"
He was done. Utterly, completely fed up. This wasn't a path to power; it was a series of tedious lessons in the universe's most boring and disgusting secrets, all governed by a system that was actively trying to swindle him. He was trapped in a prison within a prison, and his only key was a textbook full of shit.