(1)
Due to the limited number of days I can take off, after attending Yun's wedding the day before yesterday, I flew back last morning with Lee on a 7 a.m. flight. Lili said she just couldn't manage to get up that early, and besides, she only had a few video meetings that she could attend from the hotel, so she booked a later flight. At that moment, the urge to swap jobs with her reached its peak inside me.
Luckily, I had a decent sleep after getting home yesterday.
Before I left for work today, Lee asked if I could swing by his painting studio after work because he had something he wanted to give me. It was only after hanging up the phone that I suddenly remembered that last year, he mentioned he had some unfinished gift he wanted to give me. So, I figured maybe that's what he was talking about.
"Are the kids coming here for art lessons today?" The moment I step into the studio, I catch the strong smell of paint, and my eyes quickly land on some unfinished paintings scattered across the shelves. Some of them are crooked and messy, while others are surprisingly good. But almost all of them feature the same subject: a plate of cherries.
Even though it's already evening, and the lights are off, the way the sunset streams in from this angle makes the studio feel even brighter than the last time I was here.
"Yeah, today was a bit crowded, you know normally my partners take care of the teaching, but there were so many students today that I had to step in and give them a hand. Haven't even properly washed my hands yet," Lee says, showing me his palms still smeared with paint. "Make yourself comfortable."
Then he turns back to the sink nearby and starts scrubbing off the stains.
I sit down on a chair by the table next to him. I remember that last time I was here, I sat in the exact same spot, drinking the coffee he made me. It's at that moment that I notice a plate of cherries sitting on the table.
"Are these props edible?" I joke with Lee.
He chuckles, "Go ahead, eat them. Class is over for the day."
"I'm kidding. I'm not really a fan of cherries," I say, picking up two cherries still attached together. They look crystal clear – surprisingly clean for classroom props. Then I turn back to him and ask, "So, why did you suddenly want me to come over today?"
"Oh, just wait a sec." Lee shakes his hands dry and runs upstairs.
A moment later, he comes back down carrying a box and hands it to me.
The box is about the size of a laptop but much lighter. It's beautifully wrapped in dark blue paper, decorated with light blue stripes.
"This is the unfinished gift you mentioned before?" I look up at him. "You really didn't have to go through all this trouble, especially not for some random occasion."
Lee sits down next to me and says, "Well, since it's a gift, it still needs a bit of ceremony, doesn't it? Let's just say… it's an early gift for the Spring Festival next month. That makes it appropriate, right?"
I smile, realizing that, yes, Chinese New Year is coming soon.
"Can I open it now?"
Hearing my question, Lee suddenly looks a little shy.
"Maybe open it when you get home."
"What, is it something inappropriate?" I tease him, growing even more curious.
"No way," Lee hurriedly waves his hand. "I spent all this time preparing it; it's definitely not something like that."
"I'm just messing with you. Don't I know you?" I say as I slip the gift into my backpack and luckily, it's big enough.
"Actually…" Lee continues, eyes still fixed on the tabletop rather than me, "I wanted to talk to you about something before we went to Shanghai. The gift was ready back then too."
I set down my bag and start listening to him. I feel like I already know what he's about to say.
"But then I thought, since we were about to head to Shanghai, maybe it would be better to wait until we got back," he says. "Oh, actually, I was planning to talk to you even earlier – last year. But then, you saw the photo Chao posted, so I figured I should clear that mess up first before saying anything."
"OK," I nod.
"You know why Lili brought you to that party," Lee continues, still not looking at me. "I just wanted to see if there was any chance… to know if you had forgiven me for what happened back in college."
I think carefully and then answer his question cautiously and honestly, "It's like this: back then, it really hurt. But the more time passed, the more I realized that since you and Kena's plan didn't end up causing anything terrible, I sometimes actually found myself reminiscing about our time together after graduation. So now, I don't feel like it's a big deal anymore. And I even kind of understand why Kena did what she did. If it had been me, I probably would've panicked the same way."
I didn't expect that even after all this time together again, Lee would still care so much about whether I had forgiven him.
"I'm glad to hear that. After that party, I really wanted to find the right moment to apologize properly. But there never seemed to be a good chance, and I didn't know how to bring it up. And then that day, when you brought it up again because of Chao, honestly, I was really panicking inside."
"Panicking over what?" I laugh a little. "I brought it up because it's kind of weird – and funny – how every time we met, it was somehow staged. I wasn't blaming you for what you and Kena did."
"I know you weren't. I totally got what you meant," Lee quickly says, "I just felt that, regarding that whole thing, I owed you a formal apology. I'm sorry."
"Then I accept it," I lower my head, trying to see what Lee has been staring at.
"And…" Lee finally looks up and meets my eyes, "can we start over?"
We finally reach this topic, so I straighten up slightly.
"Lee, being with you truly makes me happy and comfortable. Whether it was back in college or now, whenever I think about seeing you after work, I feel like I have a little more energy to get through the day," I say, looking straight at him, trying to sort through my thoughts. Ever since Yun's wedding, I knew we'd eventually have to talk about this. "I also know very clearly that besides you, I might never find someone who fits me better. Over the years since we broke up, it's not like I haven't tried dating other people."
Lee gives me a faint smile and says, "This is usually when the 'but' shows up…"
That tickles me a little, so I smile too.
"But… you know me, right? There are just some things I can't seem to get over. Even back in college, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be this way. When I was with you, I still couldn't stop another person's image from occasionally popping into my head. Now, of course, I could excuse myself by saying I was too immature back then. But how much more mature am I now? Even after hearing the news that he's getting married, I still feel a sense of loss. It's as if someone who has been away from me for a long time somehow can still be intertwined with my life."
"I know. I've always known," Lee says with a helpless smile. "Even when you didn't say it at college, I always knew that he never really left your heart. But I didn't mind."
I look at him, speechless. He said he didn't mind. But maybe, if he said he did mind a lot, I would feel less guilty. If Lee thinks he owes me an apology for the plan he and Kena made, then haven't I also been hurting him all along? Just in a different way.
"Lee, don't you think you deserve someone better?" At least, I think he deserves someone who loves him more wholeheartedly.
He lets out a sigh. "What does 'better' even mean? You haven't found someone better either, have you? You said yourself that you feel happy and comfortable with me, and you look forward to seeing me. Isn't that enough?"
"But I feel like it's unfair to you. I don't think I can be all in, no matter how much I want to."
"I don't mind. Didn't I already say that?" Lee raises his voice a little. "Even if there's still a part of you I can't reach, I haven't found anyone more right for me either. You might not believe it, but the years I spent with you were the happiest I've ever been."
I thought I had figured out exactly how to discuss this with Lee after coming back from Shanghai, but now, facing him, I realize the words I prepared completely fail me.
The years I spent with you were the happiest I've ever been.
He says it so naturally. And yet, I can't even say the same thing back to him with full confidence.
"I'm sorry." That's the only thing I can manage to say.
"You don't have to be sorry. This is your choice," Lee says with a strained smile. "Everyone has their own life to live. If you think there's no need for us to see each other anymore, I'll understand. But if you want to find me, you know where I'll be."
I stare at the plate of cherries on the table, my mind in complete chaos.
"Can I ask you one last question?" Lee suddenly says.
I lift my eyes to him and say, "What is it? Go ahead."
"How much do you think two people need to love each other… to really be together?"
Yeah, I want to know too. How much does it really take? But even if two people love each other enough, is that really all it takes for them to be together?
"Oh, by the way, I have one more small request," Lee says after we both fall into a stretch of silence, his tone a little too casual to be natural. "Do you have a photo of Chenhui on your phone? Just in case you stop talking to me after today, I kind of want to see the face of the guy I could never beat."
"Are you serious?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
"Yes, I am."
So I pull out my phone and start scrolling through Chenhui's Moments. He really doesn't post photos very often, so it doesn't take long before I find one – a picture of him on a trip with some coworkers.
But the moment I hold up my phone for Lee to see, the smile fades from his face.
"Is that him?" Lee mutters.
"You know him?" I ask, thrown off.
"Remember when you saw Arrogant Bastard Ale on the ACE menu, and I told you I can recognize every guest who's ever ordered it because there are so few?"
"I remember."
"If the guy in this photo is Chenhui, then yeah, he's one of them. I've seen him before."
"It's impossible." I'm a bit startled.
"I don't think I'm wrong. I've worked at ACE for a few years. And he came in more than just once or twice."
(2)
In the taxi ride home, I sit with my eyes closed. Even though the temperature has dropped quite a bit tonight, I still roll down the window, hoping that the rush of cold air will help clear my head a little. News about Chenhui's brief returns and turning down Lee earlier have left my thoughts in a mess. But it appears that the wind doesn't contribute much.
Suddenly, I remember the gift sitting in my bag. I open my eyes and take out the package. As I tear off the wrapping paper, I see that it's a photo frame. Inside, framed neatly, is a painting Lee had finished. Even though night has fully fallen now, the lights along the highway are enough for me to make out the details of the painting.
In the picture, there's a boy wearing glasses and white sneakers, sitting on a bench and looking up at a tall guy standing next to him, dressed in a Levi's jacket, carrying a blank sketch board under his arm and holding a few paintbrushes in his hand. The sun is shining brightly in the painting, but there are small puddles scattered on the ground next to the bench, as if it had just rained a little while ago.
And it suddenly clicks in my mind that isn't this the scene of the first time Lee and I met?
But I remember he was actually carrying a stack of books he had just borrowed from the library, with a Robbie Williams CD resting on top. It was the moment when that CD slipped and fell to the ground that the whole plan between him and Kena had been set into motion.
So, the Lee holding the sketch board – the way he painted himself – is the version he wished he had been.
I feel my eyes starting to well up, so I quickly wipe them with the back of my hand.
Yeah. How nice would it have been if everything had started like that?
And how nice would it have been if there hadn't always been that invisible wall between us?
As the thought crosses my mind, I suddenly have the urge to go somewhere else instead.
"Sir," I say, leaning a little closer to the front seat, "I'd like to change the destination. At the next intersection, could you turn left and pull up in front of a place called ACE?"
(3)
When I walk inside, the bartender, in the same uniform that Lee wears, welcomes me warmly. After all, it's not the weekend, so there aren't so many guests now, and a couple of waiters and waitresses are just rubbing tables and sweeping the floor slackly. I take a seat on a stool in the middle of the row at the counter and put my bag on the stool next to me. Lee used to tell me that if I came during his shift, he could keep my bag under the counter from his side.
This must be the first time I've been here without Chenhui or Lee. With Chenhui, we sometimes ordered Arrogant Bastard Ale simply because we liked the name, or we just had coffee, because we needed to stay awake while working on math questions. With Lee, we usually drank the beverages he made, each one perfectly crafted. And now, as I sit at the counter looking through the drink menu alone, I totally have no idea what to drink.
Since Lee isn't here, I don't even know how to tell the bartender about my preferences so that he could make a decent drink for me. So, just like what we did the first time I came here with Chenhui, I randomly order some alcohol with ridiculous names. And I'm quite surprised to find that there are actually a lot more ridiculous names than I remembered, such as Santa's Butt Porter and Old Speckled Hen, which makes me wonder why we were so obsessed with Arrogant Bastard Ale.
In the end, I simply order everything with strange names, the Bastard included.
At first, the taste of the ale seems to awaken some old memories. It's still the same familiar recipe, still just as awful as ever. But as I go further, I start to realize that my taste buds seem to have gone numb – I can barely tell the difference between all the glasses of alcohol lined up in front of me. Maybe there's no real difference in the first place.
Whenever a guest pushes the door open, I turn my head to look at him, almost involuntarily. It's like I'm expecting someone to show up. It's quite strange that I feel this expectation deep in my heart but can't figure out exactly what or who I'm expecting.
Am I expecting Chenhui to show up? Not really – these couple of days should be his wedding, right? Or maybe he's already preparing for his honeymoon.
Then am I expecting Lee to come here? Doesn't seem like it either. Today isn't even his shift, how could he coincidentally leave his studio and come here?
However hard I try to explore it, this unknown expectation feels like an itch – unbearably uncomfortable, yet offering no clue where to scratch. The more I want to scratch, the more I drink, trying to numb myself with alcohol.
And how ridiculously naïve I was to think alcohol could help calm me down, when what it's actually done is incapacitate me from distinguishing the faces of Lee and Chenhui in my head. I'm literally freaked out by the thought that they're actually the same person – one in memories, the other in reality.
Right now, I'm even not able to tell if I'm still in The Joker's or ACE. Or maybe, there's never really been any difference between the two places at all.
I can't anymore. I feel like my head can't even hold itself up, and my vision is getting more and more blurred, so I can't even read the names of the drinks on the menu in front of me. And when I finally squint my eyes to make out each letter clearly, I realize these words no longer make any sense in my mind. Eventually, I prop my head up with one hand, elbow on the counter.
Gradually, it feels like I can't even hear the sounds around me anymore.
Have all the people already left?
Whatever. I don't feel like opening my eyes to check anyway…