We made our way through the mountain halls, ghosts to all but our guide, not out of rudeness but you simply weren't considered to have arrived until ale touched your lips. Of all the dwarves I'd ever met those were actually the calmest.
I continued to answer the questions that Quatal and Eve asked until I heard the first hammer-falls. "We're nearly there, remember Quatal, you have to sit and drink your milk and do not join in the fight no matter what."
"What kind of milk is it?" Quatal asked in her typical priority order of snacks first everything else second.
"Yer in for a treat Little One, ya get our special mountain bee honey milk with or without spice at all you can drink, Boar to if ya fancy it."
"Papa, I like the stout-folk, they're good people."
"You my friend just earned a feathered serpent's divine protection." I laughed, though he was confused as to what I meant. "Quatal, feel free to show him just don't get too big."
"Thank you papa." With that she transformed to a smaller version, then we heard her voice in our heads. "Mmmm, Papa, this ground is nice, it feels like it's stroking me."
"It probably is, as he said, the mountain is a mother and she loves all children dearly."
"I like Auntie Mountain, she strokes scales softly." She sighed telepathically, causing a low rumble.
"What happened?" The dwarf asked.
"My daughter just called her Auntie Mountain, I think you just got a cousin." Eve laughed.
"Well damn, things are gonna get rougher than I thought." The dwarf grumbled.
Eve looked confused, but I gestured that question time was over as we rounded a corned and the path opened into an almost normal looking street passing through what was essentially a door-less frame of stone.
The moment we passed through it noise erupted and we could hear the cheers and laughter of dwarves ringing out in excess. Our guide continued to lead us, down the street, then took a sharp right down an ominous dark ally, then as we neared the end were met with the golden amber light of a hundred lanterns.
The only building here was a welcoming hall, or tavern as humans called them and our guide strode toward it with heavy steps as though wading into a fight. He didn't open the door calmly but kicked it open as though it had called his mother a wench, making the hinges buckle.
He then took three firm steps inside and we another three behind him standing equal which to dwarves meant family.
"I bring gu!-" He started before being immediately interrupted, which made him gulp, hard.
"You gone senile Ragli? Milk-drinking tall-folk sk-" The man who had interrupted our guide, was then interrupted himself, not by a voice, dwarf or any of us, no, by the mountain itself. A spike shot from the floor in front of him and a wall encircled us. "I guess I spoke to soon... Ragli, please continue good man..." The dwarf finished sheepishly, before bowing around the spike and returning to his seat.
"Ahem! As I was saying... I bring guests! An old friend of the mountain, by the name of Adam. Err, then we have his wife, Eve and his two daughters Cosmael, the deva and Quatal, a feathered serpent who the mountain acknowledged as kin a wee moment ago."
"Bol-" Another spike shot up in front of the dwarf who hadn't learned the lesson his kinsman had, but also in front of Ragli, who apparently didn't do a good enough job.
"Let me rephrase... The teller of tales, of eras long past, a fledgling god of highest caste and above all else our mountain's brother. On to the next we have his lover, the lovely Eve who he loves above all 'ceptin maybe their daughters Cosmael and Quatal." He pinched his fingers together in suspense, forcibly shutting one eye and raising the others brow, waiting to see if his new attempt was acceptable.
When the spike in front of Rigli lowered slowly, everyone, including us took a sigh of relief. Only when the mountain stopped moving did the latest dwarf to interrupt, bow his apology around his spike like the last.
When that one fully receded I looked to the ground, to the ceiling and all around. "Old friend, please relax. I'm a hard man to offend, I won't leave til I have done as I always do and told my tales of past children." This time a warmth spread through the mountain as though the air was embracing all in a familial hug.
"I trust ya all believe what ya saw with yer own eyes." They all nodded silently.
"As I said, I'm a hard man to offend, don't try to hard to find that line and the mountain will stay calm now. That said, a round for everyone, and..." I turned to see what size Cosmael was before answering. "I guess it's four mountain bee honeyed milks, two with spice and two without..." I let their derision simmer for a moment as they thought I was order for all four of us, then chuckled. "I want my kids to pick a favourite so we know what they're drinking... Oh! Do you have that... What was it called... Stone-child spice tea!?"
"Ooooo, going for a third?" One of the barmaids called as she approached with the first milks. Her voice was softer and she was more well spoken than the men were.
"We're hoping we already have, but if Adam thinks it will help, I'll try it."
"I'll get you some, if this doesn't get the bread rising, he didn't do his job properly."
In the end, both girls preferred the spiced and only drank the non-spiced as to not waste it, Eve drank the tea eagerly though the bitter taste made her struggle to not pull a face. "If you don't like it just say." The barmaid said bluntly when she noticed.
"I don't, I'm not drinking to be polite, Adam told me you value honesty, so here. If it makes me a mother, it could taste off piss for all I care." She said, before downing the rest to cheers.
"Careful now you'll make the young dears jealous of the younger." The barmaid laughed, prompting Eve to launch into the story, which prompted the maid to slap me. "How dare you make a woman a mother, before tending to her and what in the stone are you made of." She finished with a groan and Rigli and I signalled the fight was about to begin as everyone downed their latest cup.
"Hey now! That's my girl you just hurt."
"I've never been your's, spindly. only a man who can take a wallop like this one can get me."
Then Eve snapped. "Looks like the women are up first. Get some more drink down yer while ya can." I then shifted to the bar and drank as much as possible while Eve was yelling at the barmaid and vice versa.
Then as I downed an entire bottle of something that could have made a dragon stumble the barmaid went to slap her and Eve countered with a slap that sent her spinning dramatically into a table and signalled the start of the real fight.
'Don't worry, you two are far too weak to kill anyone easily for now, have fun.' As cosmael sent the message I grinned and cracked my neck.
"Hey! I told you that's my woman! You better rein your's in." The same dwarf shouted.
"Sorry, I couldn't hear you before over the sound of her rejection." I laughed, making him throw a mug. "Come on! Only angry wives throw dishes! Be a man and throw a punch!"
That was the last coherent thing that was said, Eve was left fighting all the barmaids, who were also fighting each other and I was left fighting all the men, who were also all fighting each other, only the barkeep was left out to bring milk to the children.
You may think fighting a group of dwarves would be easy but if there is one thing fighting them had taught me after all those exchanges it is that you never underestimate an opponent who can headbutt you in the crotch whilst wearing a helmet.
As I rediscovered that lesson on that fateful night, I luckily remembered the best counter was to grab the beard as you fell and drag their face into a clenched fist and never forget to back hand the guy behind you with a raised stool.
I was bleeding from my nose and mouth, had a swollen right eye and a smile on my face, then as I threw the next attacker to the far end of the room like a shot put, I did what is in dwarven, the most daring of things and order a bottle mid-fight.
This was no simple taunt, it was a challenge of honour and the man that drank that bottle from neck to empty was the winner of that night and the declaration of that challenge made you every man's target.
Dwarves rushed in like madmen desperate to drag me from the bar, if they could break my hold of it, I was disqualified and then I displayed my absolute dominance.
With my free hand I reached to the far side of the bar and pulled my body in as they all pulled at legs, then I kicked back, let go, turned and grabbed the closest dwarf to throw him along the ground and bowl the others other then casually pulled the cork and downed the bottle.
Then as I sat down and prepared to saviour my victory a voice cut in from the entrance, stopping the fighting immediately. "WHAT ARE YOU LOT DOING!"
"Welcoming the guests Lord." A dwarf said both startled and confused at the newcomer's arrival.
"Guest? This is the honoured brother of Gravalon.."
"Oh for fuck sake." The words slipped out, the disbelief so visceral I fell of my chair, and my reaction made the mountain do its version of blush with embarrassment, which was to turn the whole welcoming hall into an instant sauna. "Sorry... Gravalon... You have to know how bad it is... that is. Can you please cool down."
"Our mountain's name is bad?" The newcomer asked.
"I'm sure she'll tell you later, she definitely doesn't want everyone knowing and I know better than to reveal a woman's secrets." I laughed.