I didn't mean to look back.
I really didn't.
It wasn't planned. There was no conscious thought, no tiny voice inside whispering, "Turn around."
It just… happened.
Like blinking.
Like breathing.
Like I've always been looking for him without knowing it.
I'd walked out of school the same way I always do head low, earbuds in even though they weren't playing anything, bag tight against my side like a shield. The hallways were still buzzing behind me, Kaori's laugh trailing somewhere in the distance.
The sky was overcast. The kind that feels more like a ceiling than a sky.
And then… I felt it.
That sensation.
Like someone was waiting for me.
Watching.
But not in the way I'm used to not with cruelty. Not with the eyes that ask, "Why are you even here?"
This was different.
Softer.
Almost warm.
And so, without thinking, I turned around.
And there he was.
Souta Ren.
Leaning against the bike rack, hands in his pockets, pretending not to notice the world.
But I saw the way his shoulders tensed just slightly. Like he wasn't expecting me to turn but maybe hoping I would.
I looked at him.
And he looked at me.
We didn't smile.
We didn't wave.
We didn't speak.
But in that moment, something passed between us.
Quiet and huge.
Like a wire finally connecting.
When I turned the corner and he disappeared from view, my heartbeat didn't slow down.
It sped up.
Faster than it ever has in any exam room. Faster than when Kaori cornered me after that group project in first year. Faster than when I stood at the front of the class, reading my poem while everyone whispered.
It wasn't fear.
It wasn't panic.
It was something... new.
All night, I kept replaying it in my head.
Not just the glance but what came before it.
How he sat with me at the café.
How he didn't ask me to explain my sadness.
How he didn't try to fix it.
Just… stayed.
His presence was a kind of quiet I didn't know I needed.
And then today, in class, I sat one row closer.
Not to be bold.
Not to be near him.
Just… because.
And when I looked up, he met my eyes again.
Just for a second.
But it was there.
That same feeling.
And now I can't stop asking myself:
Why did I look back?
Maybe part of me wanted to confirm it wasn't a dream.
That he really was there.
That he really saw me.
Or maybe…
Maybe I just didn't want to feel alone anymore.
That's the scariest part.
Because I've built my world around being okay with invisibility.
I've taught myself not to need anyone. Not to crave kindness. Not to expect it. Because when you expect it, and it doesn't come it hurts worse.
But then he noticed my drink order.
Sat with me in silence.
And looked at me like I wasn't a burden.
And now…
Now everything inside me is starting to unravel.
He doesn't know what this means for me.
That looking back at someone like him someone golden, someone adored isn't small.
It's huge.
Because I've never done that for anyone.
Never let myself believe someone might want to see me.
Never dared hope someone like Souta Ren might not be faking it.
And the thing is?
When I looked back… I didn't regret it.
Not even for a second.
Even though Kaori might've seen. Even though I might be setting myself up for pain.
Because for that one second, I felt human again.
Seen.
Not as a joke.
Not as a charity case.
But as a girl.
Just a girl.
And he was just a boy.
And there was something there.
So maybe I looked back by accident.
But I think…
I think I'll choose to look again.